let me think...

i've started, erased, and restarted this blog a couple of times....
not getting too far at all...
my mind has an overload of thoughts....

i miss being robin's wife (she really is married now)
i am not that excited about my shoot this weekend
i need my money for this barbershop project
something in me wants to cry right now...
cry hard.
he said i am great at what i do....
i am a stylist.
i gotta read the bible
that ed hurley was legit!
RENT....hmmmm, but i LOVE musicals...i dunno, that one was a bit rough 4 me
remember community
some days i miss my long permed hair
ready for change....i think.
moya is beautiful.
i think (pretty sure) i have my first magazine shoot.
sister circles are beautiful.
i love women.
....men are cool too....
i'm not sad that its over, i smile because it happened.

correction....i want to cry hard AND scream.
i love my heart!

......

pics from my product.retail shoot.
i see that its hard for me to completely
let go of a model. i can't solely work with product.
much of my connection is to the body....


photographer: davonne
models: lovely pakistanian women
stylist: pamela a. shepard

everything comes full circle....everything

hmmm....
definitely just had a meeting with one of the partners from that awful fashion show.
she's not javaology partner.
and she's not mississippi.
she's the oblivious one.

yea...we met.
update u ask?
javaology and mississippi have joined forced to build an empire. (evil empire?)
oblivious is a one woman show.
she said it was a tough experience and she has learned her lessons
she says she wants to do work...she respects what i do and is ready for what i have to offer...
i told her my day rate...and what my role as STYLIST entails...

*i have a shoot dec 5.

cold busted show was fabulous. jabari g. is a walking example for me right now.
and i appreciate that. left ACEmedia today.
too much shade, not enough profit....that balance sucks.

still doing what i do....
model: enin
photographer: future
stylist: moi

yo....this concept was the best....now note, i am a prop in this set i am the "make up artist" but know that i did style this shoot....

thanks mississippi

...yeah about that show...
first and foremost...GLORY BE TO GOD. your presence is real...i couldn't deny it if i wanted to...and i thank you for choosing to deal with me. wow. i'm am such a mess, and the mere of that is overwhelming. out of all of your children you choose to give me personal attention.
thank you.

sigh....i could no longer sit on the idea of girls walking around with jeans and tshirts. it was beginning to eat away at me. in an annoying kinda way. friday afternoon i met with one of the three partners at javaology....the first words out of her mouth to jump off the meeting...
"one of my partners is in mississppi, and will not be back until 4pm tomorrow. (day of the show) and i have no idea where my other partner is. we need clothes because we are uncertain as to whether or not the clothes that we are supposed to be getting will even come thru. this is a mess. there is an urgency for us to get clothes".

i sit there thinking...."hi melissa, good to see u too" instead i embrace her, tell her that i have been exactly where she is, assure her that everything will work out and that a great production will be produced, and then we proceed to talk. in conclusion, i was asked to use some of my resources to try and get more clothes. now that i think of it, it is amazing that the no parts of me questioned whether or not i would be able to get clothes, fire clothes at that, in less than 24 hours for a show the following night. she left me with the men's clothes, and i proceeded with my day.

i woke up saturday morning ready to begin my day. my mother's flight left at 4pm, but i had to say goodbye to her early because i knew that i had a full day ahead of me. we hugged and kissed one another and whispered our adioses. i was out of the house by 10, and at bad rags by 11. i left there with 4 pieces....God bless monica. i then went to shoe freak.....left with 2 pairs of seven jeans, and a million shirts....and with an invitation to return for shoes later. i was headed to (hmmmmm, how do i go about this, don't wanna put her business out there). okay. i couldn't get in touch with the owner of the last boutique. her line was staying busy for her home phone. eventually she called me back sounding absolutely drained.
"yea, so last night i spent time with the woman that my husband has been having an affair with"
whoa.
"ARE U OKAY?"
"yup.....i like her."
"HOW'S YOUR HEART?"
"100% better"
.....another story for another day.
after hearing that i didn't even want to ask her for anything
"pam, what were you calling for?"
once i told her, she provided me with the illest jewelry and clothes. her store alone was about to make the show.

women. wow. and i'm one too. i'm honored.

this night was long...the story is longer....
basically i worked hard to organize three solid scenes. i worked to match up jewerly, shoes, purses, put together pieces....i had 3 solid scenes with clear concepts. i sat down with the models and gave them the prep talks

"you love these clothes, you respect these clothes, you honor these clothes, you do not do anything to hurt these clothes. be careful, i don't want to see any makeup....rips, nothing. if it doesn't fit, do not force it!"
.................sidebar.............
during the fitting earlier in the day i felt tension from the mississippi partner. it eventually surfaced that she was mad at the partner that i met with for questioning her ability to come thru with the clothes. and her irritation was being channeled my direction, and i believe its because i came thru with better clothes at the drop of a dime. and i don't say that in a cocky way, but my clothes were of more quality and more interesting and fun to watch at a fashion show. her other two lines consisted of denim.
..........we're back...........

i set three scenes.
innercity coutoure
vintage soul
and my store (the third store i went to)....can't catch me....
scene 1.....i dress the girls...the girls walk....done
scene 2......i dress the girls....the girls walk....done
scene 3.......i dress the girls.....the girls walk....prepare for final walk.

at this point the girls look flawless. this is a finale.....memorable. i was pleased at an all time high. models line up to take their final walk. mississippi comes out of no where...."guys we're gonna get the leftover clothes and do a fourth scene".

pamela shepard is livid! yo....God was in me, cuz i was somehow controlled and composed....but my soul was literally on fire. mississippi threw together random pieces from each line....told the girls to grab jewelry and get ready to walk....

(calm down pam.....)
i am no longer in control. models are running up to me asking me how they look. i coulda screamed that they looked horrible. it was in me to throw a fit and refuse the models to walk out in those clothes. nia rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. i love her for that 1 moment. it was effective.

i began to gather together my clothes....and go off to be away from everyone.
javaology partner "are u okay?"
me "nah, but i'm not putting another ounce of energy into this until this is over"
javaology partner "oh no....what happened?"
me: "not now".

so of course she badgered me a good three more times...and i keep tellin her to just wait...we'll talk. the models return...and i congratulate them on a job well done. they're oblivious...and really i have no beef with them at all. they're tellin me how great i did....how much they wanna work together in the future....blah blah blah. yay models.

mississippi approaches me....
"i didn't mean to offend u....but u just have to know my personality. and i thought it was best for me to make an executive decision and extend the show....i didn't mean to offend u, u just have to know me"

......sidebar....knowing ur personality makes u being wrong acceptable? KILL THAT!.........

me.....
a CALM ME.....
"u have every right to make executive decisions, just know that the way u went about making that one was extremely unprofessional. this is my work with my signature on it. we all have roles...i am the stylist. things become problematic when you begin to step outside of your role."

irritated mississippi.....
"WELL....i am being woman enuff to come up to you and tell u that i didn't mean to offend u. u really do just have to know me....i'm sayin....i thought the show needed to be longer."

a CALMER ME....
"cool hun...u felt the show should have been longer. communicate that next time. stuff comes up and decisions need to be made, but its best when everyone knows. u articulated nothing to me. there was confusion from me to the models. and as a result there was no consistency in that last scene. i think its cool if u take the time to speak on it..."

and that was that.
GIVE ME A STANDING OVATION. i spoke in truth, not in a spiteful manner, and i had a calmness. the biggest thing is that i am striving for this to be my career. everything that my name is behind needs to be golden. so when i am asked to get clothes for a show (as a stylist, someone who just puts stuff together and doesn't actually retrive clothes) i do it, and make sure that they are the best clothes i can contribute. why? because i am affiliated with the project. sometimes u just have to do what u have to do. and i did. i worked hard man. and it still came out ....ugh. wrong.

life happens....
i waved goodbye to everyone and left with a smile. i want this to be my profession and i refuse to act stank due to a reactionary spirit. your attitude is your reputation. thanks mississppi, u challenged me. and i am pleased with my outcome. i gotta learn somehow.

i have faith that it will be better next time.

what a fall.....

i am sure that this is something that i say during every change of season....BUT i am feeling like this fall will be memorable forever. i drive down the street and literally get tears in my eyes. everything looks absolutely crisp. the blending of the colors are perfect.
i whisper goodbyes to the leaves as i watch them float from the branches to the ground. their lives are over, and their jobs have been served. like really...i wave goodbye to them.
and i think to myself...u did a good job, God is happy, u served your purpose. i guess i wanna be just like those leaves.

(disclaimer: all is not well) well, its going the way its supposed to be...sigh.
at any rate, i still feel light on my feet, creative, desired, kind, i dunno, i feel good.

lets see....updates...
well this weekend was absolutely eventful. two photo shoots and one meeting for a fashion show. the first shoot was dope...indian models....(some of the most hood women from pakistan i had ever met)....exotic jewelry...my product/retail shoot. i was SO excited. great shoot. long. but still great

*models are starting to get on my nerves....to all models out there...U ARE NOT THE STYLIST, U ARE A WALKING (SOMETIMES SITTING) HANGER...BE QUIET AND PRETTY*

second shoot was a bridal shoot on monday. sigh....pamela shepard doesn't even get geeked offa wedding dresses. and it was such an unconventional shoot simply because everything was provided. the dress, jewelry, shoes, the bride to be had all of that. the only thing was that her dress had not yet been altered...so i was there for that. we did that shoot in the suntrust building downtown. beautiful.

sunday, i was the last person to arrive for the meeting. "this is pam...she is a stylist, we are humbled to work with her cuz her work is awesome". whatta intro. so as i stood there with a goofy grin, after a delayed silence, i said "thank you". i waved, and sat down. the meeting was brief. i gotta feel for the theme of the show. number of models. blah blah blah. as everyone continued to sit aroud and socialize, i dipped out.

O
K
first rehearsal was last night. what have i gotten myself into. now mind you, the day i came to the first meeting, one of the directors pulled me aside and said "girl i might need u to walk in the show!"
"but i'm the stylist"
"oh we can work it out so u can do both"
"thats a little much, i'd rather not"
"ok...ok."
i go up there last night with nia. i needed someone to write down the order of the models and who wore what. she was my assistant. sidebar....at my bridal shoot i had a 40 year old woman as my assistant. THAT TICKLED ME. she was sweating me for so much ifno...i admire her!
back to nia
the directors pull me aside "oh we may need her in the show". i look at them like...damn do ya'll have women models...whats the issue, why are u recruiting everyone with breasts? i sigh, look at nia, who is the midst of the male models quasi posing and doing a great job of acting non interested in her surroundings.
"yea she'll do it".
they squeal with delight. "well does she need any training?"
"nope...she is a performer"
"great!".
i tell nia she has been recruited...she acts momentarily irritated and stressed, as she gets in the back of the model line all in one swift motion.
okay...so as i stylist i do print work. there i come up with the looks...and bring the aesthetic together. ummmm...this is so different. i don't want to step on any toes, so i make sure that i meet the vision of the designers and boutique. so basically i execute what i am told. and i feel like what i am being told is wak. wiggaty wak!

one store comes in with six pairs of jeans. and thats it.
he says "the girls are gonna walk with just the jeans, no shirts, covering their breasts".
creative pam "YES! and we can put sooooo much jewelry on them that little skin shows. the jewelry with serve the purpse as the shirts. bangles up their arms. chokers, neclackes, neckpieces, the whole nine. long earrrings..."
"no, we were just thinking, bangles"
...sad pam "oh, okay..."
that is so wak. wiggaty wiggaty wiggaty WAK. women with no shirts, orginal right? NO. not at all. and THEN he had the audacity to pick only two models for the six jeans. so ur scene is not only just jeans....but two girls wearing them. thats absolutely uninteresting.

so now i am concerned. when i am acknowledged at the end will people think that i styled the entire show? like those were all my ideas....? geez....i gotta figure this out. i am so agains that jean segment...thas not gonna work.

two models (out of maybe 15 girls) can walk. two. nia (surprise, surprise) and this chick shayla. everyone else looks damn near silly. but then i don't wanna overstep my boundries, cuz that is not my role. but then i don't wanna be apart of a silly wak show. pray pam. do somethin.

.....
pics from the retail/product shoot are not exporting from the camera. this is delaying my sending the pics to the company. i give it to God.

all will be well...its too beautiful outside for it not to be.

She is so awesome....

its up to us to pay attention to the omens. both good and bad. God wants our attention, and quite frankly, she of all people deserves it. (i'm feelin like God is a woman today...she's been so compassionate and nurturing these past couple of days).

so i am really hard on myself with this styling stuff. and i almost feel like if something is not popping off for me at least once a week...then i am seriously wasting time...not doing what i need to do. and i think that i have come to the conclusion that my thoughts are only partially true. yes, i do need to stay busy and engrossed with this...this needs to become my everything...but on the flipside, this is the type of work that can be wishy washy. nothing about freelance styling is synonomous with 9 to 5 stability. i get it.

so this week, and last week (even though i did place the warriors party as my priority) i haven't really had any styling projects. and that frustrates me. my mentor told me that a great deal of the market here in atlanta lies in styling for product/retail. not solely people. so this week it is my goal to get that in my portfolio. even though i am dreading it, because i have not one creative idea when it comes to the thought of styling a camera or a piece of jewelry or even a toaster. sigh....i don't even think of that as styling...thas set design. but, i do want to show my versatility. karla encouraged me to look though magazines when i expressed my difficulty with strong ideas. i tried...but when i look through magazines, i am damn near thinking up ways to slightly copy what i see. not the route...

tuesday i had lunch at slice. it was me...nia...t.i....and the rest of the commoners. LOL...well t.i. was there, just not with us. my friend came and sat by me...
"so ms. pam what are u up to?"
"staying on the grind to be the best stylist i can be...and u?"
"styling."
"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU STYLED....WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS?"
"yeah....i just did ludacris "georgia" video. and i style for this rock band"
"oh..."

why did i get SO down after that conversation. u have to understand that this young man and i used to model together. we also graduated at the same time. i felt so behind. discouraged even. so i kicked rocks throughout the rest of the day... i mean i was really down, just feeling like my progress is moving so slowly.

i love how God screams at me. honor your journey. within hours a weekend packed with events surfaced for me....
thursday...meeting with a makeup artist and local photographers
.....meeting with the art renaissance project (art and fashion) so i can show work and meet with the models so i can style for the fashion show ( i believe its friday)
REWIND...
wednesday...got a call from ambrosi (image consulting company) about sending samples of my work. AHAHHHHHHAAAA!
friday....i presume the fashion show
saturday.....modeling for a shoot with a new boutique in lil 5.....a nous (check it out) dope and affordable accessories......styling for a shoot for another boutique bombay gal (auburn ave) good stuff too....
all of these opportunities came up in hours

by monday i should have shot enough product/retail to send into ambrosi as an addition to my portfolio....

praise God from whom all blessings flow...thank you for being so attentive and timely.
i feel that you're always attentive (but in my immature point of view) not always so timely.
thanks for this though!

warriors....come out and PLAYYYY....

quite honostly...i have no earthly clue what i came out as....a 3 year old playing in her mom's closet? it was fun. the creativity of grown folks never ceases to amuse me!

yo....KDY PRODUCES STARS!

praise God for john. f. kennedy high school. i am a product of this institution...and quite proud of it. i left to go to college fully prepared, a bit confused by my lack of a workload, and really had a sound understanding of time management. kennedy was good for me. a good 4 years. i left out as homecoming queen, apart of sga, a leader on the debate team....yo i did it all. LTI (leadership training institute) was the signature program that i was a member of for 4 years. we were kinda shut off from the rest of the school. it was a big deal to me to make sure that i was involved with activities outside of LTI. i was the loser that tried to hang out with the artsy kids. i had no real contribution or talent...but i just knew that i felt connected to them. so yea...to give a mental picture...i would walk down the hallway with the "cool kids" (the ashleys...for u recess fans), and veer off to talk to the goth chick that wore all black with black nails black hair and black jewelry....

"pam...who is that? she looks crazy...."

...long story short....praise God for those kids cuz we make GOOD WORK 5 years later....
photographer: eli
model: dorthea
stylist: yours truly

friday night.....

COMe THru man! this is about to be soooooo fun. its an atl warriors party....they hold em in NY often, and now its our time to shine. i went to the venue yesterday and its DopE. even though its a halloween party, and lot of work has gone into the set design. its in thi huge warehouse over near the grafitti tunnel on Krog street....man this huge space is so well designed. its crazy cuz the set designer is the same guy that did busta's gimme some mo video where everyone like cartoonish with big eyes. so i walked in and there were huge flipmode signs lit up. come as a gang (gangs are 4 or more people). be creative! ima be at the door to greet ya'll. so after sonia and amiri.....i say we party together.....9pm to 3am. if u have any questions hit me up, and if u don't have my math (hahahhahha....philly kids), just leave a comment on here.

they came home!

dope.
dope.
dope.
this weekend was absolutely dope.
the end.

sike. let's see....
by thursday everyone was present. the fam was BACK. and that alone did wonders for my heart. chante....nia....ros....eb (sigh...those akas)....milan.....justin....delmar....stacey....ashley....the end. that was it....everyone able to watch one another blink and breathe yet again. i get so happy when we're all together...its like we never left. we all remember our roles for our functioning clique...and get to work. it felt good.
we all went to djgango for the OFFICIAL spelman and morehouse alum party. alum + django = a fluke move. perhaps i was the only one person that was told the word official. ? django is one of my spots in this city...and thrusday night it was a cool breeze flowing through the entire space...i mean desolate. i was a bit disappointed. but oh well...kept moving. perused the visions district and ended up at dragonfly. not my scene at all....the dj played songs in their entirety. i didn't hear one mix. highlight of dragonfly? the club has like church pew/quasi bleacher seating....and we did the wave multiple times during the course of the night.

friday.....i dunno. i missed my friend's opening at her gallery. i suck. I SUCK. i completely forgot. gotta call and beg her forgiveness. went to harlem bar. went to milan's. got dressed. ended up at insomnia. i love atlanta "around the way" clubs. that was the move.
.....pimp, if u want me....u can find me in....
THE A
THE A
THE A
THE A.
.....
good times. we met mad people that night. i got offered a modeling contract....i quickly volunteered my styling skills with whatever agency he works with....the business card was promptly removed from my fingers. lol...that tickles me now.

"you really should come to our office downtown and get some headshots tomorrow....i know you would be a great model for us. u don't look like anyone we have thats apart of our troop"

"yea? well ima a stylist, and i am sure you guys work with a photographer consistly....maybe we can meet and i can show you my book for styling...."
"no. i wanted you to model...i need my card back."

lol. ok ok ok. for some odd reason i didn't go to sleep until like 5. i don't too much recall what came after insomnia...i feel like we just went back to the halfway house...milan's. or maybe we ate. i dunno...but i went to sleep late. slept with the mommy to be...aerial. i laid on her tummy and rubbed her stomach in the bed. night night baby ade.

saturday i got up really early. i was pressed to get in the shower first. ahaaaa. we eventually got out the house around 4 and made it to campus. when i saw all the tailgaters, tears were almost brought to my eyes. saw old friends...made new ones...laughed....hugged....kissed....danced....it was nice. half of us made it in the step show...i happily missed out.

everyone looked so beautiful. happy...fun filled...new familes...new jobs....new institutions.....folks looked great to me. everyone! randomly crossed paths with kwabena. i returned his wave from afar...not really recognizing him...when he got closed i aksed that he shared his food (didn't matter if i remembered him...he waved) then he triggered my memory. long story shot...he kicked it with us that night.

the funny thing is.... i randomly picked his best friend up, and kicked it with him a year ago. great guys.

went to magnolia...everyone was extremely high. i wasn't and i was tickled. yet again. groove phi groove...swings....i dunno. they're funny to me. cool concept...i guess...i dunno.

IF I PUT MY MIND TO IT, I CAN DO ANYTHING! everyone wanted to go to the club. i didn't. i mean i'm talking at least 10 people against me. wanting to get out the house. hahhh hahhhh hahhhhhh we never left the house and had a blast. woo!
aaronica came over....jesus that chick is hilarious. ashland...annoys me. i still love him though.

sunday....aerial's surprise baby shower was at 1. i arrived at 1:05. others arrived at 1:15. aerial arrived at 1:20. the rest of teh party came around 1:45. MY CLIQUE CAME AROUND 2:15. yea....i temporarily disowned them for the day. it was a beautiful baby shower. my heart was filled. i saw the beauty of spelman...womanhood...intimate love...a spirit of wanting to help/aid.....yo it was great. everyone cried.

justin and delmar came back to us. we sat around...laid on top of one another and talked. or just laid quietly. went to willys.....tofu burritos...here we come (suggestion by moi). hahhhh hahhhhh hahhhhhhh! had great convo. nia, justin, and i say inside...while the others sat outside in the mild blizzard.

"i can't even see u with kids....you're too on the go. and beyond that u never trip off of dudes...."

ok justin. can't really say anything to that. we talked about love and relationships. God is good. it was a great convo. made me think. we took stace and delmar to the airport....had dramatic goodbyes...and returned to milans to watch desperate housewives and grey's anatomy.

God bless you all....i need all of you....i love all of you...i wish the absolute best to all of you!

oh yea....

come thru ya'll....sis is GENUIS!
opening....friday night (october 21) 5-8pm

love without ownership

i love him. love him deeply. i love the idea that he was once my boyfriend... and we are no longer together... AND I STILL LOVE HIM. i mean we speak openly to one another about our lives. we talk about other people...the stages that we're in....expressing how wonderful.crazy.non-existant other people are. i know for a fact that with him i have a grasp on love without ownership. i get it. loving someone profusely and unapologetically for who they are...welcoming all the flaws. being okay with them loving other people. there is a true security in our relationship, because i never feel threatened about what other person may come along. i know that there is a place in his heart for me. only me. just as i have one for him. this is peace.

after reading the alchemist this time...the message that kept screaming at me was love without ownership. for about a month and a half i have really been meditating on what this means. i have come to the conclusion that i am very much of a selfish lover. and this selfishness transcends many relationships....best friend...sister....my man. i realize how important it is that my relationship take priority over any other realtionships that a person may have outside of me. i would always make it a running joke....
"damn dude...why u keep talkin about (whomever i may feel threatened by) so much?"
"oh thas your new best friend?"
blah blah blah....so yea...i would jokingly make these comments, but really be quite serious. its almost as though i had to be the BEST relationship that someone had. the most fruitful...progressive....fun....fulfilling relationship.

....that is twisted thinking....

i mean...God has granted me the daily blessing of being able to call awesomely OUT OF THIS WORLD people....my personal friends. i mean these people are world changers...progressively moving towards their personal goals. these folks have definitely contributed to my life. it wouldn't be virtually possible to be the same person had i not met them. with all that said...it is absolutely retarded for me to be so selfish to think that i should be the sole person (or at least one of the few....you know, childhood friendships, family...they might take precedence) to be so blessed by this interaction.

i am so pleased to know that i have acheived the idea of love without ownership in at least...one realationship. God is so timely and on point. this is a reoccuring lesson for me during my time alone. i am learning to honor this season. even when i try to entertain "him" something screams....hell no pamela, this will be probelmatic, quickly move away! quite honesely, it all reverts back to contentment with self.

....i hear ya God, i'll get it soon...

keep movin!

dc trip was LIKE THAT! kicked it with the fam...produced GOOD work (not only styled but had the freedom to come up with concepts as well)...played rich black girl with my best fried for 3days in the hotel...received a standing ovation for the video presentation for dad....dad cried....i cried...dc was GOOD man.

x-fares is the work of the devil. and even though i am not yet too old to stop using it, i choose to stop using x-fares. both leaving atlanta, and leaving baltimore to return to atlanta was a hassle. i wasted mad time in the airport. but made friends both times. cool folks. now that i think of it i came into space with many angels that were helping me out in those airports. i had bought a salad from o'charley's. but they didn't have honey mustard and only had lowfat ranch. ugh. so i went to another food spot to inquire about some honey mustard.
"you gonna join us and eat here today?"
"no sir. i was just wondering if u guys have honey mustard? "
"nah....we sell wings"
he aint have to play me...i've dipped wings in honey mustard before, but whatever.
i scoffed, smirked, and walked away.
YO....I RETURNED TO MY GATE....WHY WAS DUDE ON MY BACK LIKE 5 SECONDS LATER WITH TWO PACKS OF HONEY MUSTARD. aww man...he boosted my life times ten. i was not so much looking forward to that salad any longer...and he, that quickly, shifted my outlook as to how that salad would taste.

i was a happy girl to say the least.

so whatever...xfares sucks. air tran workers suck (well 2 do). i had to speak to a manager about 1. i was too rushed to get on the other woman's back. jerkwads...for NO reason. i dunno, i just remember my 5 years in customer service...and yes i had bad days...but damn dude my role was still to serveeeee customersssss...

got back to the a. i love this city. its home. the weather was fabulous when i stepped outside of hartsfield. i had to buy hoodies to stay warm in dc. went back to my aun't house to get changed.
"pam, my time is growing short here. i am just trying to make sure that your aunt and the kids are taken care of. i see my mother so clearly now. i hear my brothers laughter in my ears all the time. and i just see life clearly. what is and isn't important. yea....death is close...."

geez. i constantly speak to him about his attitude. his attitude about life sucks. however, he spoke to me with such a clarity that i had no words to offer. i sat silent. i have a message to relay to him (since he foresees his departure)....God please help me to relay the words with clarity and conviction....please all for a moment, and help me to recognize the moment, when it is best for me to speak....please allow his spirit to be receptive.

God is good man.

went to the city. went to work. had a lot to do. met with milan at that thrift store (location remains disclosed). went shopping....wow....went to eat....went to javaology to do work. couldn't because there was a party goin on around me and who did pam meet...
only an extremely established FREELANCE STYLIST in this city. sis was awesome. she wrote out a buttload of information for me. gave me words of encouragement and direction. gave me her cell and and email and told me to stay close. mentor. DING DING DING. i like her spirit.

so yesterday i applied, for the first time ever, to a position entitled STYLIST. yo...usually stuff is like bits and pieces of what i want to do, but never the actual job. life is good.
pictures are coming in....ha ha hahhhhhhh!

went to morehouse.spelman fashion show. BIG UPS TO AL! wowsers. best show i've seen since i've been in college. it was beautiful! got a lil sad....wasn't modeling...wasn't directing....wasn't helping out backstage....just a lame graduate in vip. sigh...awesome show nevertheless. i knew mad photographers last night, and that did wonders for my spirit. i'd like to announce....pamela shepard is getting around....LOL.i welcome this reputation with open arms!

i saw tiona....hi tiona! tiona...i enjoy your style...everytime i see u...its such a treat!

had a freakin power couple sitting in front of me. he was flawless...she was cute...and their baby was adorable. they knew every single person in vip. and everyone was so geeked to talk to them. yea...definitely had to figure out who they were...and in turn tell them who i was. the power couple does like everything withing fashion in atl....modeling agency....image consultants....photo studio....the list goes on....

"oh pam, i am so glad you spoke....way to be observant. yea man we are always looking for new stylists. let me get your info....care if i give u mine?"
"please do."

.......
the moral of the story is....regardless of what the outcomes may be...the possibilities in the moment are SO encouraging.

i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist!

a mere glimpse....

there is SO much work 2 b done.
get it done ms. shepard!

back in the good ol MD...

it feels good to be home again. bittersweet though. i always want things to stay the exact same as a last remember it. never really happens that way....sigh....change is good though.

so my plane landed at 11:35pm sunday night. hmmm....why did i arrive to hartsfield at 4:15pm....anticipating to hop on the 6:25 flight. (deep breath) only airtran. i have NEVER had xfares fail me. in the past i always got on the flight that

*sidebar...my cousin is eating ice cream out of a mug and scraping the hell out of the mug with the spoon....its blowin me might hard right now.....

k....i always get on the flight that i arrange to get on. yea ummm....got to the gate....got a ticket....got an official seat...and the young girl was boosted. as usual...all was going well.

"pammmeelllaaa....i have bad news, u were on stand by, and people that had confirmed seats actually arrived. so i need to take your ticket back."

damn dude did my ticket really get revoked? lol, yeah it definitely did. removed from my fingertips and all. well for some odd reason i was on the verge of tears. LOL...i really wanted to cry. i walked down to the customer service to get "placed" on the new flight. i had a talk with the woman at the desk about the ethics behind giving someone a ticket and then taking it back. i really felt like the agent was wrong...it was her fault she gave me the ticket...it should be mine to keep. right? i told the woman at the desk that the agent was an indian giver. LOL....this is all so funny to me now. she told me that she was pretty confident that i would board the next plane.

i assumed that a tornado.hurricaine.flood.tsunami...something drastic had to be happening in baltimore because our flight that waas supposed to leave at 8:10 did not depart until 9:30.

i touched ground at 11:35...and the weather was beautiful.

robino picked me up. walking in a drunkened stooper...our constant giggles slowly woke her up. we went back to her fabulous apartment and stayed up late in the early morning. she is so great.

we went to the harbor on monday. ate at this cute sushi bar. went to markets. watched construction men construct. just kicked it. karla came and went thrifting with me on tuesday. went thru fells point and found the cheapest quality stuff we could afford to buy. karla left...kara came (thats robin's friend). she spent the nite.

today we came home. silver spring. when i snuck behind her my mom just stared at me..."u are so wild girl....why didn't u tell no one u were comin to town?"
i think it hurt her a bit that i came sunday....and just made it home today. she'll be okay...we will enjoy one another!

photo shoot with dorthea tomorrow.
life is good. no break here at home.
.......

men aren't actually stupid, they just pretend to be. and THAT is annoying.

whats on my mind...

....meat fast this week (broke the fast last week....so we'll try again....
....no looking in staring in mirrors and windows everytime i pass them....fix yourself in the morning and be done with that part of the day....
....get your damn pictures from raquel....
.....email break magazine.....
.....finish filling out health insurance forms.....
.....think long and hard about what you're giving milan.....
.....prepare to go to dc......
......finish video presentation for dad's banquet.....
.......re-email john crooms and zach wolfe....
......create a timeline (even though u spit on them).....
.......bug the hell out of bill hallman.....
......be content alone....this is a season for you....honor it.....learn....pay attention....
.....let him go....God help me....you owe it to yourself......
.....wait for nothing...u keep progressing.....
love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.

back in the day...well not that far back.

sigh....oh the memories...this pic makes me happy...almost as happy as the guy behind us!

kindred spirits....

dream 1.
as she laid on the couch she began to fantacize....his huge black truck....long locks...and she was the perfect trophy wife.
"God please remove these thoughts from me..."
following her please, she turned over she fell asleep immediately.

she saw herself on a stage accepting an award. everyone cheered and clapped to congratulate her accomplishments. she stood there in her fine gown mentally preparing to give her acceptance speech. as a black community leader that always nurtured and worked with the youth, she wanted her words to be perfect. at the end she said "and i'd like to thank God". she said it simply because its the thing to say...u know, rapper, football player, actress, dancer....it is always protocal to first thank God. she turned off t
he platform and headed backstage....

-
she was smiling in her sleep...took a deep breath...and knew that she could die in that moment a fulfilled woman....
-

the moment she reached backstage she began to float. she was amongst angels. they all floated outside of the venue and flew directly to a train. this was the train to heaven. everyone was extremely warm and welcoming. there were many humans and angels. she watched as the angels went from one person to the next and congratulated them on their meaningful lives and complimented them on how well they lived for God. she watched the exchange of many hugs and kisses. as the angels approached her

-she took a deep breath-

they immediately pushed her off the train and told her that she never relayed the message of God's love.

-
she woke up. her eyes opened and she became worried....and instantly she fell right back into the dream
-

as she floated away she was surrounded by different people. she was comforted in knowing that she wasn't the only one kicked off the train. she even became prideful and excited about the idea of meeting knew people. seconds later she felt the presence of evil. she was surrounded by demons...

-
she woke up. she was stuck and unable to move. pinned to the couch. with her eyes wide open the ceiling began to turn into darkness. she could no longer pinpoint her surroundings in her aunts house because everything became dark.

"jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus"

she arose and sat there puzzled as to what was the dream and what was reality.




.........
dream 2
i don't dream. well i probably do, but it takes a lot for me to actually rememeber what happened in my dream. as the day progresses i can see or hear things that will trigger my memory...and i will say ...."that was in my dream". everything is always fragmented. i can count the number of dreams i have remembered in my lifetime.

all i remember is that kanye and diddy threw me a surprise party.
(no segue)
it was an outer body experience because i watched the blood spread on my wife beater. i was shot. my perspective switched because i saw that i was shot in the back also. i then watched my body fall backwards.

i woke up staring at the ceiling fan. the atmosphere was not right. i didn't want to move too much. the vibe in the bedroom was eerie. i looked around....prepared to see someone or something. i am good for seeing images that aren't there...and i know that they aren't there...but they are so real and vivid to me and my eyes. i looked out the window prepared to see anything walk by. it was wrong in there. i just prayed that God would allow me to escape and return back to sleep. the weird thing was that i wasn't trippin. i watch NO violence. i am so sensitive to the imagery that i take in. so the two dreams i have ever had with other people getting shot have really effected me. and last nite, i watched myself die(?)....nah i dunno that i died but i watched myself get shot and i wasn't trippin. i was cool. i woke up with a peace. but the air around me was wrong.

we both dreamed of our deaths.
and i don't dream....

hmmm....

asha bandele checked me....and i'm appreciative....wow.

.....getta load of this.....

Pam-

Thank you for all your kind words, and yes, that does sound like my wild
beautiful Aries girl. She must have seen something in you. About Essence,
I left the magazine about a year and a half ago to pursue a fellowship at
Columbia. Since then there have been great changes in leadership, not the least of
which is the magazine's sale to Time, Inc. They also have a new editor in chief.
It's a hard moment to try to read where things are going and the best way to
introduce yourself. On the one hand i would imagine that a new editor in
chief will make tremendous changes to the staff and likely bring in people she
knows who can shore her up in what I would imagine is a challenging time
for her. On the other hand, because there will likely be changes, maybe they are
looking for fresh, new talent. My best advice would be to reach out
to--and stay connected to--the human resource department at Essence, which is headed by a lovely woman named Judy Jackson. Please let her know I referred you. Ms. Jackson and I sort of passed each other--she arriving and me leaving in the same month or so. But all my interactions with her were warm, smart and
satisfying. One last thing I would add Pam--and I say this certainly not knowing your
talent. Before reaching out to Essence, which remains the premier
lifestyle magazine for Black women, make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Make sure when you show up, you show up ready. I didn't go to Essence until I had
been publishing with magazines for 10 years, had a master's degree and written 2
books. Even still, there was a great learning curve. I don't say this to
discourage you from applying, but to make sure when you step up, you know
you're stepping up with some tremendous talent--and competition. I hope that
makes sense and doesn't come across as harsh. I don't mean it to. I just always
want to remind the beautiful and talented young folks who are poised to take
over industries across this country, that it means something to pay your dues;
it means something to wait for your moment, to earn it; and that it means
something to be prepared. That, at least, was my experience and the road I took.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Be well,

asha bandele

colorful naked ice cream!

lets start this off with a sidenote....in about 2 weeks...all baskin robbins in the atlanta metropolitan area (ITP...inside the perimeter).....will post a sign saying "DO NOT SERVE THIS WOMAN!" with my picture beside the text. and its crazy...cuz i am not EVEN acting up. i figure that it may be in these folks culture to get so aggressive with customers...i dunno.

so yea....on my birthday i got yelled at for requesting two flavors in one scoop.

a week prior to that i got replied to recklessly when i commented on how the baskin robbins was short of 31 flavors, and asked if i could get a discount on my purchase since i was not satisfied with the flavor that i was forced to order....(right like someone had a gun to my head)

YESTERDAY...we voluntarily walked into hell yet again. only because its 1.00 scoop tuesdays. am i ignorant for asking if two scoops are two dollars? i mean thats nothing short of logical in my mind. "NOOOOOOO...2 scoops is the regular price. you can only get one scoop for one dollar!" i have been yelled at 3 times in the past two weeks. only 3 times though. no one else has raised their voice at me.

"okay well i will walk out...sit in my car...eat this scoop....and return once i have finished and am ready for my second DOLLAR scoop." ....nia harris.

lesson to learn? either stop eating so much damn ice cream. OR holla at jakes...cold stone....smoothie king....bruesters....i need to find a black owned ice cream shop....where is the water ice youngin from clark?.....well, somethings gotta change.

who's with me? the revolution against lame ass baskin robbins begins today! spread the word.

okay....let me tap into non spiteful pam....tapping....tapping....well....she'll surface eventually.....

i JUST got an email about styling for a nude shoot. now i think that i am imaginative...exploratory...and down right creative when it comes to styling and this has NEVER crossed my mind. this shows me how high i place clothes. this is so exciting for me. extremely challenging. this will completely turn my thinking pattern upside down. i mean, hmmmm....hmmmmm! i think body art is going to be involved. i dunno why i just said that. nothing in the email said anything about body art. which do i value more? the woman's body or color? i have a strong attraction to both. and to eliminate one completely.....

wow. i have to think differently and i am excited.

.....

quote of the day...

i come to art to be seduced, i come with a desire to be moved. so go ahead move me, please go ahead and try to seduce me.

~hollywood africans....

the 22 year old pam

praise God for another year.
oddly enough i feel like a great deal of my growth in the past year occured when is 21 and 363 days old. funny right.


i woke up to a text message from brazil. "good morning pam, go to church because you can. have a good day"

i rose out of the bed and it was almost as though people then got a memo that i was awake because my phone began to ring like crazy. i decided to let some calls go to voicemail and to actually answer others.

"good morrrrrrrningggggg"
chuckle..."hey pam. how are today?"
"i'm goooooooodddd, how are youuuuuuuuuu?"
"i'm good. ur in a good mood today"
"why yes i am."
pause
silence
"ummmm, chico?"
"wassup?"
"uh uh, say it"
pause " say what?"
" oh HELL NO....SAY IT"
"pam what is the matter with you? say what?"
"chico today is my birthday, i have someone on the other line i have to go"
"dfajkfjakjfdkajkfdjlkjadkljaf blah blah blah blah blah blah it IS your birthday blah blah blah fksajfkdajjlajdfkjfkldjalkdjfl Happy Birthday blah blah blah"
"bye chico"

i clicked over and continued to speak with chantae. smile...he is an ex. purposefully.

anyway i got myself together...decided that i wanted to feel cool at church. i wore a white tee, my huge jeans ripped in the knee, a small green and yellow hoodie, and pink slippers. yeah i felt cool. lol...i am so lame because i am so serious.



so God granted me with two personal gifts. one being the photo shoot that i ROCKED the day before. first real paid styling job. well second, but this one was big. booyaw grandma. second gift, the message at church.

man matthew 6:25-34 read it kids. read it and be comforted. i felt like the only person in the congregation. the words were pertaining to me so personally and relating to thoughts that i had been meditating on the past couple days...it was awesome!

went in the parking lot only to see a number of balloons and candy strewn on my car. oh pink jacket lipstick wearers...u girls rock.

proceeded to go to the atlanta art expo by myself. white people kill me. i was one of the youngest and among the few brown people there. "oh my heavens i LOVE your hair, its just so....so....free". shut ur face.

left there and headed back to my car. this guy approaches me....attractive, cute lil style..."sis, i just had to approach you....your hair" STOP. ok sir u shut ur face too.

met with nia at milan's. we went to borders. she did homework. i read more of the alchemist aka my personal diary and went through all the fashion mags. more ideas for MY SHOOT ON SATURDAY. smile. left borders...
"i knew i recognized that hair"
and it was cameron, the one white boy i went on a date with. sigh. yea.

i then got yelled at at baskin robbins for asking to split two flavors in one scoop. i was tickled and offended all at the same time, left promptly.

milan nia eb and i went to piedmont to skateboard. fun fun fun. we skateboarded and took pictures. we even met torie. he tried to teach my tricks. torie and tierra, some of the cutest kids ever. they were so friendly and kind.

"do you have dreads or is your hair just loose?"
"loose"
"hmmmm....oh"

we walked from piedmont to that thai place across from apre diem. nice.
this was by far the most low key birthday i have ever had in this city....in the last 4 years. i LOVED it. i had no expectations and everything was so simple. just enjoying the people i love.

i ended my day with a text message from brazil...happy birthday pam, i love you.

thank you God for clarity and confirmation. thanks for my gifts also....all of them.

to the stranger i knew...

my heart is heavy. my heart is heavy for someone that i did not know. i only saw her in passing when i was cosby groupie, and lingered on that side of campus. i knew her name before i knew her face. i liked her name. her name sounded smart to me. and then finally some point in time came where i was able to put two in two together.

ohhhhhhhh thats her? i've BEEN seen her...

i used to watch and observe her whenever we crossed paths. she was so tall and slim. i wondered if i carried myself like her. we had similiar builds, and i admired the way walked. head held high, natural poise, and a sensuality that was embedded in her hips. i liked that, and i wanted to be like her.

perhaps she noticded me watching her, because she always made it a point to acknowledge my presence. it was cool feeling like i knew her, even though i really only knew her name and her awesome stride.

nothing is promised. NOTHING IS PROMISED. fear nothing. love everyday. sacrifice everyday. dance everyday. laugh everday. speak in truth everyday. work with purpose everyday. touch everday. remember everyday. cherish everyday.

my heart and my prayers go out to her family, friends, and spelman college.
r.i.p. nikia bazemore

i was a still model...and it was wak.

so i'm sitting in this gold chair...at the top of the escalator. when people finally reach their level, coming off the escalator, i am the first thing they see. i say thing because i was a mannequin.

when i was a little girl i really wanted to be a still model. it was rare when i would see them in store windows, but when i did i was captivated. i guess it was as simple as me not being able to fathom being still for such a long time. i suppose i still, at 21, can't really fathom being still for such a long time. smile..."gettin still", as mom puts it, has really been a lifetime mission for me thus far.

day is a makeup artist for mac. she thought i was fun to be around and would serve as a great candidate for her live still show to promote mac's fall line. i don't care to model...just cuz i don't think ima great model...BUT day was good people and i didn't mind doing her a favor.

it was mandetory that we wore black. with silver accessories. "you know i want you guys to look HOT, like you're going to the club". well i don't look HOT (in a conventional short skirt, tight shirt kinda way) even when i do go to the club, so i knew that was gonna be a lost cause. i was silent after she made that comment. she proceeded to say "well pam, you're my funky girl, and you're a stylist. wear what u want" cool. that i could do.

as i walked into the store i was told to go upstairs to get prepped for my makeup. the second i reached the top of the escalator i was staring at this absolutely beautiful woman, in a startaling kind of way, that was motionless. i kept glancing at her nervously. i had no idea if she was real or fake. as i walked past her i kept taking quick glances at her to see if she had made any sudden movements. none. i was perplexed.

day saw me, and ran up to me. "awww pam, i knew you wouldn't fail me".

the models were beautiful women. i mean, really beautiful women, in a flawless kinda way. i kind of just laid low, and acknowledged everyone with a warm persona. the models were nice. day is the homey! she introduced me as "a wonderful stylist, just doing me a favor". thanks day. when the girls kept going on about how they thought i was a professional model signed with an agency, i really couldn't take them serious.

couldn't take them serious at all.

so i got made up...and really look d like i needed to be on someone's stage playing a role of a fantasy creature. i smiled, nodded, and asked what to do next. i was placed on this display with two other models. they weren't moving. dammit. i was told to get into a fun pose, and hold it. the girl threw my leg over the side of the chair, told me to arch my back, relax my hand in a "boogie tea time" kinda way....anndddddd hold it. jesus.

the deejay directly in front of us was playin tribe,ollllllddddd tribe, and then mixed right into common's "go". and ur telling me to HOLD IT. sigh....but i wanna dannnnceeeeee.

i held it. i was then guided off the display and escorted to the golden chair. you know, the one at the top of the escalator. i really didn't wanna be there. too much pressure. i mean people were really dissecting you. i picked a comfortable position and got still.

people literally waved their hands in my face...and i would ask them to stop. OH SHIT SHE IS REAL. i scared the hell out of so many people it was ridiculous. when people stared from a distance, i was cool. distance being a measly 5 feet. anything closer...i got so uncomfortable i would have to move. the few times i blinked and people caught me, they would act all melodramatic like they were in the beginning stages of a heart attack. it was soooooooooo wak.

and then the spelman squad came and spoke directly in front of me. no mind you, none of them were paying me too much mind, so they assumed i was a mannequin. these young ladies were incoming freshwomen. they were talking about their classes, getting dorm keys...and then i heard the three words

a

d

w.

i tried to warn them speaking quietly and quickly "don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed, i went to spelman!"

yeah, bad move. after jumping back and then busting out laughing those girls were genuinely tickled. i felt so wak. like i couldn't engage in conversations, just could take them in. an outsider. maybe some homeless people feel like that...invisible. wak.

well for a moment i felt like royalty sitting in that gold chair. all the young ladies were my kingdom hanging onto my every word. i am excited for every single one of them. "did u do fashion at spelman?" retrack, not so excited for her...she hasn't read the course major offerings list too closely.

at any rate....i actually lived one of my childhood dreams. sigh...well, now i know.

in conclusion...still models and some homeless people are one in the same.

the Mrs.

praise be to God from whom all blessings flow.

ladies and gentlemen...i would like to introduce you to mr. and mrs. broughton. the young girl went ahead and did the damn thing! fa sho! mannnn kids, i can't even express how proud i am of my sister. this journey up until this moment has not been a walk in the park. robin has really displayed serious patience. dude, its evident at this point that the first person she honored was God, and understood that she was to walk the path that She.He had already carved out for her. God is good, and She.He really does reward faithful servants.

how awesome it feels to know that God is proud that you did what you were supposed to do.

robin and david jumped the broom alone. no family. no friends. just some random white woman that conducted the actual ceremony. two years ago when she told me that she was going to elope i walked a thin line serving as her confidant. as the only informed family member, i encouraged her to follow her heart as well as to live in truth with no secrets. as contridicting as it sounded...she heard something in my words (and God's) because she did not get married then. two years ago i felt that she should include the family, because the fabulous 5 (dad, mom, shawn, robin, and i ) have a communal foundation and operate openly. or so i thought. as the younger sister i had to be at her wedding. i had to help plan and be in it.

i
i
i

two years later, it does so much justice for my heart to be genuinely happy for her and not even think about myself. that was stupid...it was HER wedding. it had nothing to do with me at all.

ok God...i am getting it, you don't have it scream it so loudly.

robin nicole shepard broughton. oh you know she is a PhD....has to keep whats her's...shepard.

sand in your toes...a massive body of water beside you....clear skies....my type of wedding.
st. thomas virgin islands...
she looks precious right? well i di help pick out her wedding dress...and had no idea. she had emailed me and asked me my opinion about these 3 styles of dresses. i chose that style because it most complimented her body shape.
u rock girl!
in SO many ways...you rock.

weekend update

i feel kinda weird today.
i am very awake
i am extremely anxious
i am moving pretty slow
damn....its taking me forever to articulate how i feel....

anyway....this weekend was uneventful socially and ultra productive businessly. you know, in a business sense, it was productive.

(warning now...this blog is about to be a tough read)

on friday i went to work. don't remember what came next.....came back to milan's around 11. everyone was sitting around drinking greygoose smoothies...and talking. i wanted to go out, everyone agreed but no one moved. ummmm....yeah, didn't go out friday night. went to bed pretty early actually, 12ish, 1ish.

got up at 9:45 to get ready for my meeting with the model...tatiana terry. i like her name. i don't like her. i got to my 11 oclock meeting at 11:15....damn that mapquest. i felt awful...i despise being late. she's tall, thin, big butt, all proportionate, small breasts, longgggggggggg hair, she aighttttttt. nah, she's cute. just a damn princess.

"well tatiana to show your versatility we'll do 4 looks, 2 commercial, 2 high fashion"

sqeaky, whiny voice...."ummmm, how about 4 high fashion?"
did u hear me dummy? damn. i just looked at her. luckily her mother interjected "no tatiana, u need to show that you're versatile"

i asked her to show me her personal style and what types of clothes she likes. this kid is so new york its crazy. buku chains, the gaudy HUGE belly ring, a belly chain, chains around her neck, bangles on her arms, the baby hoops. ugh. all of her clothes are baby phat, she wears nuthin but sneakers and hoeish stilettos (u know, the ones from rainbow)....i was like
"okay....i think i have a feel for what you like. ummmm, i will work hard to incorporate your style in the shoot" now why the hell did u say that pam? now u gotta actually try.

...rolling my eyes....
AND....well u know my phone is cut off. so i couldn't call before coming. this broad (tatiana terry) repeated 3 times...."we thought u might be lost....pause....we tried to call you". by the third time i was like "yeah, my phone is off". no explanation, nothing. SHUTUP kid. whatta kid....whatta 16 year old kid....from the bronx....ugh, i woulda hated her in high school. i hated ny kids in high school. they always thought they were better then us native marylanders.

jerkwads.

anyway....left there, went to javaology. said my rounds of "hellos". i used to actually sleep, drink, eat, do everything at that spot. my visits have dwindled...so now my time spent in there is more precious. i love those guys!

went to little 5 points. got my swagger...cuz it was time to hustle. first spot...cherry bomb...shot me DOWN. no. unless ur work is going to be in some major magazine...no. okay, i will get at her in 6 months. maybe a year. went to see my man 100 grande, al.
"you are a pretty girl pam"
its weird. i only really get geeked from compliments on beauty when they come from either a gay man or woman. thanks al.
went to fusion...."damn girl, u wearin ur look, u GOTTA be confident with that hair".....okkkkayyyyyyy...dunno how to take that, but cool. long story short, i get clothes to pull if i model for her. whatever...just as long as i get the clothes.

kept it movin to the bazaar just to say hey to some folks. i love black women. sigh.....
long story short....networked for some potential collaborations on shoots, spoke with owner about pulling her clothes...FA SHO....anddddddd got an interested filmaker that needs a stylist for her short film.

badabing....badaboom.

went to milan's. went for a walk from tuner field to grant park. we spoke about this wonderful thing called the universe...and we were silent. my kinda walk. eb came home and cooked for us. we ate. watched runteldat. went to sleep.

got up, went to church. saw JT MONEY!!!!! justin. he kicked it with us after church. went to the patty hut, got some patties and platains. went to my aunties. came back to milans. did some work. kinda watched the vmas. people lacking humility, and just OVERLY prideful/boastful make me tired. jay-z....wow i really enjoy that guy. like, really.

after hours of tossing and turning, my mind finally shut down.

boys boys boys....boys i do adore.....

today is a lost day. about once a month i go thru these lapses where i feel almost like a wanderer. yes i am making things happen. yes i am seein things into fruition. but my hopes and dreams i wish to make happen seem trivial.

okay....

i forced everyone to get out the house at 9pm. i knew that the place was gonna be packed, and yes we were on the list, but it was still first come first serve. and i figured that it was a pretty long list. messing with them meant that we didn't get out the house till 9:30. i'm working on my flexibility so i didn't complain too much. a little complaining is better than a lot.

after about 30 minutes of finding a parking spot, we made it to the club and walked right in.
no person at the door.
no huge crowd hovering near the entrance.
no hot breeze filled with smoke.

"man this party is poppin pam"

ok ok ok. so i messed up. just because everyone i knew was talking about ninth wonder didn't mean that all of atlanta was gonna be there. we sat down for a moment, and then decided that we would leave and return. we strolled down the street to insurrections. i am always entertained when we go into that store as a group. we walked around, looked at the sex toys, engaged in serious discussion about how outdated pornos are in there, how we should get paid doing 2005 pornos catering to every market (gay, lesbian, asian, transexual, straight, middle eastern....u know, everybody). we swiftly moved from section to section, as i picked up a whip milan spoke of how she can never get into bondage because her father has stamped a serious fear of spankings on her heart.

highlight of insurrections? standing at the cash register and speaking with milan who was standing on my left. i took a moment to glance back and check on my girls....only to see a woman in a see thru top and a thong standing to my immediate right. oh my. hello.
i never knew that place had strip shows upstairs.

we continued to stroll down the street to gladys knights chicken and waffles. upon our entering the threshold of the door all eyes were on us. they (milan, eb, and nia) were a bit done up to eat dinner. i myself, simply looked like a soccer mom. and i liked it. my goal before i left the house was to look like a soccer mom.

mission accomplished.
(not a wak one, but a cool soccer mom)

our waiter was a man that i KEEP meeting at random spots. everytime i see him i have to remember where we met before....wendys drive thru, urban outfitters, club, now gladys knights. he is such a cutie. and everytime i look at him, he stares at me. and i say "where do i know you from?" he says "ugh, u never remember." and i say "no i do, really i do, just remind me" and he says "which time? first time was wendys drive thru".

ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah! we laugh together. nice guy. terrell....pharmacy school. he looked out for my friends at the table. i thanked him, told him "until next time" and proceeded on my way.

we returned to djangos only for me to be turned away. "mam u do not have your license and i cannot tell your age from a credit card"

dammit, i rushed everyone out the house only to be the mess up.

i told eb and nia to go in. milan and i walked down crackhead central to get in the back entrance. my man and his compradre at the back door were spittin game to me before i even got close to em. hahah....soccer moms get it too.

"sir, i don't have my license, my friends are in there. i am a grown woman, i am on the list, please let me in...."

he smiles, and ushers me through the door. I LOVE U CARLOS!

we meet up with the girls, get a table, get a waitress, and get ready to....drumroll....SMOKE THE HOOKAH! while we were sitting there we are mingling and cracking jokes. the hookah is there, and good times are ready to roll.

why was the damn hookah broke? ugh man....is this foresight of whats to come tonight?
nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

every single one of us got individual love. i'm seeing people that i used to talk to....old friends....people i've worked with....and who is standing directly behind me? his name is eric.

that would be the original guy that took me skateboarding. we chatted it up. i told him how much i am improving. he asked where i had been, i returned the question. all this to say...yeah, we'll be skateboarding sometime this week.

i still can't get over how much love dudes were giving the soccer mom. this was a night where i picked an outfit to lay low....not so much to stand out. my girls stood out. i looked wholesome and matronly. it was crazy.

.....

i turned, and there was mr. bell. jabari came.
kfdajjajkdfjakfjafkdjjnmnafnajeriuajklljrea;jkreak;jrekajrelkjwamraw/.m/fsma.faoiklkakfajfaj;jkjaiga
yea...

just do your part pamela!

yesterday was a good day. got a new shoot....sept 10....gotta new party to attend....sept 10....gotta new show to organize sept 27. YES! its just a matter of me seeking it all...God has already placed it at my fingertips. its sickening how much i'm not reaching.

so a while back grace was apprenticing with this photographer named raquel. i was on one shoot, kinda helping and slightly styling. nothing major. lets see....raquel was cool in a i' m a freshman and you're a junior in high school kinda way. she's very high school to me. her work is decent. she is a photographer that can get the job done, but i don't think she has a creative mind. when i looked at her portfolio, i just thought she took pretty pictures. or maybe she had pretty models. i dunno, the attraction of the pictures was somewhere between her skill and her objects.

she does wayyyy too much in photoshop. i hate that...makes stuff look cheesy.

at any rate, i got an email that she is looking for a stylist for an upcoming shoot. i called her immediately and told her that i would love to work with her. she remembered me, and said that since i am new i can do test shoots with her. cool. so on saturday i have to meet with the model...tatiana...16.....36b....25.....37. 5'11. we share similiar measurements...so i already have a pretty good feel for her body.

"tatiana says that she wants to look like a victoria secret model"...says taitana's mom.
whoa.

i have a couple stores allowing me to pull from them. monica at bad rags and shoe freak. ima holla at fusion, cherry bomb, and bombay gal.

4 looks.....2 high fashion....2 commercial. cool.

monica says "sure pam, u can always pull from my store...matter of fact i'm having a trunk show on the 27th of september...maybe you can help me with that"

FA SHO!
when i entered the store monica was speaking with another woman. ...who also happened to be a stylist..."look man, its a cut throat industry. you're attractive, folks are gonna hate, so really gravitate towards and embrace those that really want to help you".

secretly...i think i might marry a black woman....

ran around the corner to holla at my boys from laced up. "PAM, u gotta come thru our party on the 10th. its gonna be on the rooftop again, make sure u come thru".....ummmm yessir.

so, i got another shoot....i got stores....i got social engagements....i got WORK to do...life is good man.

oh yea...my phone is cut off.
aHa. and life is still good.

went skateboarding last night...we went to those same tennis courts. most of our time was spent throwing tennis balls at one another....

ninth wonder tonight. party hard...and smoke the hookah!


........saw ms. moya the other night....that made me happy....and ali too, man i am really a graduate....jesus.

"why are you skateboarding at 21 pam? when i think of skateboarding i think of juvenile boys. AND your health insurance is up in 2 months!"

it wasn't as unocomfortably hot as it has been the past 2 days. it was fairly moderate. we left the house to walk up to the parking lot in turner field. she looked at me and laughed as we both had our skateboards tucked underneath our arms.

"okay if we were real skateboarders, we definitely would be skating to the parking lot"
i chuckled..."nah, i think skateboarding uphill is stupid...well maybe just too much work"

by the time we reached our destination i realized how ridiculous i looked. i still had on my work clothes, with my many necklaces and gaudy earrings...i had just thrown on some dunks to replace my slippers.

i took the time to show her how to balance herself on the board, how to push off, how to adjust her feet once she actually got on the board, and how to lean her body with her weight on her back leg to steer the board. many lessons for one day.

she was a great student. we made a great deal of progress in those three hours.

i took the board up the hill. i pushed off, hopped on, turned my body...and somehow i flew off completely. my entire body flipped up, my feet became level with my head...and then gravity began to do its job. my tailbone was the first part of me to greet the concrete. my upper body continued to fling back and my head bounced off the ground like ball. by the time i popped back up i had shooting pains all over me. i sat there stunned...still trying to figure out how exactly i fell off the board. i felt my ass aching, but that soon was replaced by the pain on the right side of my head.

she looked at me...and in mid-giggle ran over to ask if i was okay. still sitting there i was still in disbelief and just said "ummm, yeah".

okay, so i've fallen before, but this was serious. i was hurt forreal.

after a couple of minutes i walked back to the house to clean my scrapes in the small of my back with alcohol. SHIT...i actually screamed aloud. i immediately remembered why we always used peroxide...pain free.

i walked back to the parking lot, and the pain in my head was replaced by the pain from the alocohol on my lower back. that subsided.

i did some more teaching and a lot more skateboarding. at first i was hesistant and just doing really simple skating just to make sure that i wouldn't die. a couple minutes later i was comfortable again...exploring what more i could learn.

to conclude our session, 5 boys from around the way came to watch us. i am not one for audiences...well i am...but only at stuff that i am absolutely without a doubt good at. this isn't one of those things. i welcomed the boys to skateboard with us...these kids had never been on a skateboard before and were doing more tricks that i can learn in a week. it was great. after the older boys requested that i shake my laffy taffy and asked for hugs, i decided that it was time to wrap that up.

jermaine was my favorite. he was smart and humble. and the best skater. good luck in life jermaine!

last night we partied, only to return to turner field around 1 am to explore some more.


one day later....
i am in pain....BUT what matters is that.......

my bruise looks kinda sexy right above my buttcrack. has more meaning than a cheesy butterfly....heh heh....

memories can stifle or help with progress...

grace told me to be wary....she understands that we went our seperate ways for a reason...so us still remaining friends is cool but its imperative that we are very clear in our wants and needs for one another. i know grace, i know. thats all the more reason why i prayed to God for me to be easy before i left to go to his house at 12:30 am.

aHa.

got there.
had the dramatic viewing of one another.
embraced.
and kinda just looked at how we've had slight changes, in the past 2-3 months.

he says that we're extremists. either we can't sleep without laying beside one another or we won't see one another's face for a matter of months. well, last night broke the m.i.a. spell, but for some reason i don't think we're falling back into the intimacy spell.

hmmmm....

we left the house to walk to the nearby church parking lot. we skateboarded in circles and he gave great critique on my lack of technique. he then took the time to look at the board i was using, only to anounce that it sucked. he gave me his board...it was pretty much up there with eric's. (ha...inside joke). due to the many cracks in the concrete, we walked back to his house, hopped in the car, and drove to a nearby park.

as i drove up, i read the sign....open from 6am- 12 midnight...we proceeded to drive into the park. after watching me struggle to perfect a curve time and time again, he gave me his board. i went into the tennis courts and felt like i was floating on clouds. it felt really really good. smooth. i could have stayed out there all night, but since he wasn't skating with me i felt kinda bad for having his board.

before i went into the tennis courts i gave him my glasses.
i'm blind.
so while i was in the tennis courts, i couldn't see his actual body...not even the outline. he blended with the many colors that were all around me. anything outside of the board, my red shoes, and the tennis nets all began to overlap and become one. just a huge mural of dull muted colors surrounding me. although i couldn't see him, i knew that he was hidden somewhere within that mural. and i was comforted like hell. i would call his name every now and again to just get verbal confirmation that he was near.

i couldn't see him, but i'd like to think that he just sat there and watched me. for some odd reason, just the thought of that makes me giddy.

I KNOW GRACE! geez.

....the reason really isn't odd at all....at this point, its clearly natural.

we left. went back home. i was soaked from a mixture of sweat and the muggy atmosphere. pretty gross.
he let me play his new electric guitar. outside of my many made up songs, i performed the one song i know how to start off....redemption song.
his body language says so much, i've grown to know and understand it well.

then he played. i was elated by his progress since the last time i had heard him play.

he gave me shorts. i changed. we watched million dollar baby. he gave me his bed and his pillow. he played that damn song. i miss him so easily. its like i'm fighting my body to not do what my limbs, hands, fingers, are programmed to do. and then i evaluate why we have made concious decisions to go our seperate ways so many times.

it makes me realize that us existing in the platonic world is so ....ummm....forced. i am forced to hold back that comment, i am forced to push away that thought....i dunno.

no i do know...the day has to come soon where either it is or it isn't. i vow to never again indulge in the best of both worlds with him....

....maybe i really don't know....

hey ma! i have a response....

i am so accustomed to operating around me. i am my priority. even when others have different agendas from me, naturally, i'll figure a comprimise; never will i automatically fully give into their agenda.

the other day mom told robin that she wished that i had a real job. damn ma. when i asked her why she said that, she replied "because i do". well there is nothing that i can really say in response to that. this period of my life is packed with purpose (as all periods are), but i see this purpose now. in the moment. ususally stuff becomes clear for me in heinsight, seldomly in the now. walking in faith isn't too much of a challenge for me, because i know that i am obligated to get a great deal done, i know that i have to work hard and actively seek, therefore i feel like i will inevitably end up where i am supposed to be.

hope that makes sense.

i've never been a very flexible person. i am fairly regimented and honor schedules. i can name a number of people that have been placed in my life for the purpose of helping me with both my flexibility and patience. i don't have a very high tolerance for myself when it comes to being late, not getting stuff done, failing to follow through, basically half assing. as a result, i have even a lower tolerance for others, especially people that i love...yea, i'm working on it.

all this to say that my life has been catapulted in a direction where queenpammy can no longer always be placed at the top of my list. this is a time where i am forced to think outside of myself. i am not to concern myself with myself.

i have always considered myself to be a thoughtful person. but now the more i think about it, the more i realize that i was thoughtful with motives. i would do things more for a reaction and less for genuinely enjoying committing the action. i recite to myself multiple times in a week...live for no audience, only God matters.

with that said, i would like to stress that i do have a real job. creating shifts in personalities past the age of 0, is a chore. although there is an influx of sickness and death around me, i praise God for all of it.

i have had revelations about myself that have afforded me with the opportunity to both step outside of and get over myself.

far beyond any 9 to 5 i've ever had.

...just don't feel like it....

its crazy...i go thru these periods where blogging serves as my release...and then there are times when i don't even have the energy to begin writing a focused blog. i've felt that way for like a week now. don't even really feel like blogging today....

hmmm...
updates:
fell really bad skateboarding...haHA getting closer to the skateboard society
men are becoming more ridiculous by the second
atlanta's "artistic" circle is wayyyyyyyy too small...feel like i'm in high school again
i miss maryland
trying to scheme a way to buy this condo....oh man its great!
i miss both jabari and chico at an all time high...they're looking like gods when compared to who has been approaching me lately
went on a 13 hour photo shoot yesterday...the work was SICK
modeling for MAC on friday
going to NC this weekend
playing mom for ryan and stef this week




still don't like buatra
need to tell her i don't like buatra
grace is blowin me
i miss my mom
i need to get my car serviced
i need to start waitressing to cover car insurance...
in my mind, i suck as a waitress...need to get that out of my mind NOW
NOCHE tonight.....lets eat ladies
9th wonder is next week, i'm excited

right now, ur life is not about you pam.
continue to think of others.

this guy...

he sat at the bar with his back towards me...i did peep him as he watched me walk into slice and walk to my seat. i gave him the cordial head nod...and kept it moving. as i stared at his back, i thought that maybe he recognized me from somewhere...and began to attempt to remember when our paths has previously crossed. i came up with nothing. he kept looking back. i said nothing...not even to ebony, who i assumed had caught on to his uncomfortable glances by now.

"pam people really stare at u...that annoys me"...said robin. my look is loud, and i'm pretty used to it by now. don't phase me none.

his friend comes to join him at the bar, only to take on the ways of his man. they're both habitual sporadic glancers. at this point i am so over them...it does annoy me when people continuously stare, but say nothing. speak dude.

he pays for this meal, stands up out of the bar stool, pulls a card out of his wallet...and becomes frozen. i sit here and stare at this man's back...he moves slowly, and write something on the card. stuck again. his friend playfully shoves him, and leaves.
OKAY sir...clearly...and i'm just watching your back and its still evident...ur interested.
i lean back on the booth and wait.
he turns my direction, glances at me again, grabs the card from the counter, and walks out the door.
oh...
guess i called that one wrong. eb continues to talk to my as i sit there and giggle to myself...."sometimes...just sometimes, its not about you at all pam". said myself.

we pay for our food and leave slice. as we walk out i see him standing with his friend outside. he runs up to me and says that he could not leave without introducing himself.

"this is my second time seeing you here, and i think you are absolutely beautiful...u intrigue me" yeah yeah yeah...as always, ya got my attention.

he gently guides me out of the street back onto the sidewalk..and i realize that this is the first time that i've really looked into his face.
eric
28
cartoonist
conneticut...
cutie. i must say that it is always kinda comical to me when preppy guys approach me. i'm not mad at it, because i openly welcome all men. men of color. preferably black...but its still funny to me nevertheless.
.....

a week and a half later we kick it. he takes me to apres diem for dinner. he is an odd man. quite a character actually. he is one of these people that knows a lot about nothing. jeopardy champions. cool company though.

we walked over to piedmont to go skateboarding. i had WAY too much fun. i'm just learning, and he is like tony hawk himself. he taught me a lot, and i made a lot of progress in those two hours that we were out there. i felt like a true student, and he was actually an awesome teacher.

he asked what i had next on my agenda for the evening...and i told him that i had an article to write. GO PAM....its so easy for me to play always.

....he had surgery yesterday for an oversized prostate gland (random right)...hope he has a quick recovery cuz i wanna skate asap...

is that selfish?

my star

we will potentially be different people in a year. that doesn't concern me because i know that we are constantly growing to be better people. although our time together thus far has been rather brief, it has been more fulfilling then some relationships that i have maintained for years. grace you are a star...for some odd reason stars always gravitate to me (smile).

i am so excited about what this year will bring! we will have so much to talk about...relationships, new found love, new passions, the moving of clouds, lessons learned, pictures taken, orginization of shoots, family updates, new stars we'll meet...all this to always share that new truth.....which we will do because we made a pact, well i made one for us.

i just reread the first line i wrote...scratch that...we need to be different people in a year.

again, i request graphic visual imagery! it will keep me alert and interested.

we will cherish. every single day...we will sacrifice. every single day....we will love. every single day....and we will appreciate. every single day. i foresee this is going to be a great year. hey, we should treat this as our new year. august 1.

the true challenge will lie in making it seem as though you've never left...and honostly, i don't think that will be hard. there was a time when i wanted our future paths to be the same...i had the same wish with karla...i've learned that they may not be the same, but we will be together.

i love u!


where is that picture from you ask? the night, the sea of people parted...art beats + lyrics.

peace of mind...

the silent family care ride is comforting.
no balled up fists smacking skin
no bickering
no senseless banter
no yelling
no crying
no uneasy laughs
no hurtful words
no foot dragging along the tiles
no scratching of a bald scalp
no whining
no increasing the tv volume
no gerbil frolicking in his wood chips
no stomping up and down stairs

....

no scarred egos
no straining to lift a limb
no nausous stomachs
no frustration
no lonely spirits
no insecure bodies

no pain.

i hear none of this on the silent family car ride. and i like it.