i miss grace i miss karla i miss milan i miss nia i miss ebony i miss us.
i am becoming such a loner and a fleeting clique joiner that i forget that i had a unit. people that used to move with me. yo, its like we all had one schedule. i can't even imagine that now. i keep saying, i am not sad that it's over, but i smile because it happened.
i feel so grown now. i go to parties that require us to bring a bottle of wine. i drink wine. i get invited on dates at sushi or tapas bars. i sit in corners, and don't prance around the dancefloor for every single second of the night. forget, what i get invited on dates to eat.....I GET INVITED ON DATES. from different people. i attend benefits. i have small talk and exchange cards at art receptions. i get acknowledged with definition "the stylist". i like this part of growing up.
this past week, most people that love me and know me well have brought him up. they seem genuinely concerned with our "conclusion". in the beginning i asked him "are we in each others lives for a reason, season or a lifetime?". with no hesitation he replied " a lifetime". in retrospect, that was cute. could be dead wrong or completely accurate. doesn't matter either way. i do still think of him, but he just no longer consumes my thoughts. i wonder. does he remember? hmmmmm. i am not sad that it is over, but i smile because it happened.
........... (sidebar.....THE COSBY SHOW IS ON WHERE THE KIDS SING TO THE GRANDPARENTS.....RAY CHARLES...RUDY "BABBBBBBYYYYYY" this make me smile.....i am a cosby kid). ..........
i am styling the cd cover for a rock band manana. why am i so nervous? they want to look like japanese rock bands. i did so much research and homework. they said "we don't want to be the typical anti-image band. we prefer to be fashion concious". oh young grasshoppers, that is exactly how i want you to be. i got all their clothes from a european boutique....to achieve the japanese look. aHA. chic, tailored. black and white, with splashes of color thru accessories. i'm excited, but still nervous. my main concern is that we didn't have a fitting, and these clothes may run differently. spelman's finest, keonna yates, wants to start styling so she will assist me tomorrow. yippeee.
.......... i am so selfish. do better pam. ..........
you are a loser. literally, a loser. "oh pam, you choose style over vision", says day. and you did pamela. you chose to go out with your cool blue personality glasses, and stick your purposeful coke bottles in your suitcase of a purse. pam, sometimes you make no sense. you say that blue compliments your red and white far better than brown. true, but still dumb. you go out to a place that is dark. the random flashing neon lights do nothing in assisting you to see clearly through your flawless blue frames. you stare at people that you know and love with no emotion. you're too smart for that loser. never should you have to explain to people that you couldn't see them when they were inches from your face. so vain pam. so vain that when you exit the club and see that it's raining, you reach into your fabulous luggage shoulder bag and pull out a hoodie to keep your perfectly "wild" hair from transforming into a limp bush. as you stroll with your hoodie perfectly covering your steadily swelling hair.....you pulled out your functional glasses and dropped them on the ground. may they r.i.p. dummy. i sit here and shake my head at you. you try so hard and what do you end up being in the end? pitiful.
you sit sadly insecure in the resteraunt unable to see, damp, and with big dry hair. you'll learn vain one. i swear, you will learn.
you just live. and that's all you can do. if you don't like something, change it. if you do like something, embrace it. but just "keep on livin."... grandma was on point with those words. i get it now.
why do i feel like my life has just begun? what were those first 21 years about? its like out of no where i have to really think things through, make an effort to make wise decisions, be mindful of who i let in, i dunno it all boils down to being wise.
i am really trying to work on sacrificial living and consulting God in everything i do. "if this is supposed to work out, please let everything run accordingly, if this is not Your will, place stumbling blocks in my path". that's the thing, i know my will, just tryna make sure that my wishes are in alignment with Her's. a tug of war to find that balance.
in the alchemist, santiago speaks to his heart as though the heart is his best friend. he hears his heart speak to him, and has grown to learn how fickle his heart can be. MY HEART IS SCREAMING AT ME THESE DAYS.... and i like it. i like listening. its just funny the little things (really not little at all) that i am justbeing introduced to now, things that are literally apart of me. i now realize how frequently i denied my voice in the past. now that i think about it... who else did i think it was? i guess i took cartoons to heart when i saw an angel and a devil on each shoulder. it's evident...i embody a bit of both.
not new. just paying attention. ...............
"hello is this ms. pamela shepard?" sidebar...now i get GEEKED anytime my phone rings and it says area code 212 (ny) "yes, speaking. may i ask who's calling?" "yes this is tara from elizabeth gillett" "OH, hello. how are you today?" "i am well....i was just calling to tell you, that we have what we need and are not moving any further with interviews" pause "noooooooo....(really whining) but i did a photo shoot for this" "i know, we did like you and we will keep you on file" no hesitance..."okay thanks. goodbye"
no parts of me were trippen. i went right back to researching fashion magazines. my heart didn't hurt. it was cool. for a brief moment, i sat with my head in my hands....and then i called all of my contacts to organize another shoot friday. ..........................
my brother bought me an atari flashback. heh heh heh...gotta use that in a shoot. shawn leaves to go to LA this week....dreams don't die. they may be ignored (simply because life happens), delayed, maybe even repressed but they don't die. he is everything i want to be. "daddy i cried in the backseat when you said that you were leaving to go to la" i smiled.... ............................
RAINBOW IS REAL FOLK! 12 weeks and all......
location: anthony's studio concept: its a series shoot. male model. female model. interaction shows potential dynamics in a male.female romantic relationship. 3 moods. irritated.content.affectionate. studio is dark....color's worn are pastels.whites (3 outfits each) irritated.....non suggestive.well tailored.serious content......loose fitting.free affectionate.......suggestive.fitted.adult fabrics (lace.satin.silk) same angle for all pictures. different positioning on the couch....for different interaction. never actually touching. yea....
he likes me.....he really likes me. got me all messed up. i scream my desire for platonic, i get platonic and trip when he isn't sweatin me (crazy). i get more than just friends and i end up confused.
platonic never stays that way for me. hmmmmmmm..... smile.... its cool....ALWAYS GREAT TO BE ADMIRED.....AND TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE BEING ADMIRED?......never, ever, mad at that.
praise God from whom all blessings flow... lets start off with that.
from day one...my entire time at home, and in north carolina was spent finding work. seeking work. researching work. attempting to force work. i have come to the conclusion that i need stability, i need a 9 to 5 doing what i love to do. i surrender. freelance isn't for me now. maybe i lack drive, contacts, persistance, location or maybe i have it all....dunno, doesn't matter. just not for me now. i've decided that, and i'm sticken to it
in maryland i emailed all local photographers. i sent them my package (resume, cover letter, samples of my work), and expressed my interest in conducting a photo shoot. i got a number of interested responses....for after the new year. that was a problem, because my time spent in md was limited. i left jan. 3. so i had to move on.... i was so fortunate to get the contact information of every designer (both small and major) in NY, and personally emailed each one. i lied by using a NY address (many of my peers have told me that companies tend to be more responsive to inquiries that are local and accessible).
christmas was spent researching. new years was spent emailing. ....a bit different for the party girl....
i claimed it, and i KNEW that my jumpoff would arrive before 11:59:59 on december 31, 2005. i anticipated and waited. i went to bed with no prospects. and i woke up to nothing. wasn't terribly devastated...i really feel like stuff in coming. i do. guess i have to believe that. nah...i know i have to believe it.
the next day i recieved a number of phone calls passively declining me. "we love your work, we're just not hiring....we'll keep you on file though for future work" fasho!
a couple of days later i received an email from elizabeth gillett. a high end accessory company that is in need of an assistant designer. i had already sent them my package...they requested my resume again. after sending off my email i received an email from them about an hour later requesting that i confirm my time for an interview. WHAT DUDE? wow...i looked up at carmen and said..."i gotta shoot".
i was asked to confirm an interview for thursday, january 5, 2006. only issue was that i have NO money...and my flight was out for atlanta the following day. as my friends came and left, the only thing on my mind was how i was going to work this our. with parents that seemed hurtfully indifferent (damn, they SO don't get it....the can fathom the end result...just don't get the process). i had no desire to ask them for anything. that sucked. on so many different levels it sucked. they are beginning to amaze me. i feel like i am constantly being compared to my "corporate america with benefits" friends. and questioned as to what the hell i am doing. i mean...i get the questioning and confusion...but i feel an overwhelming energy filled with doubt and misunderstanding. and a very surface (close to non sincere) support.
it was killin me. this trip made me realize how much i want my parents to approve... wow.
my night sucked. i prayed. prayed. prayed. my mom came downstairs and stared at me "pam you are sad...whats goin on?" my heart was hurting because i didn't feel anything from them...nothing positive or negative...so close to indifference. i didn't feel like putting the energy into the conversation and crying and being mad at myself an hour later because i missed out parts of my argument. "i just have a lot on my mind, and i need to make wise decisions"
its amazing how much i avoid because of laziness. simply not being up for things. another story for another decade.
i sat down with my father. i dunno how to put it. it's like the effort to being concerned.interested.sincere is obviously forced, and that shit angers me beyond belief. simply because you're my parents, and my dreams and your dreams. right? granted, u spent a boatload of money for my degree in computer science and math. BUT i listened and i was obedient. u said sciences were safe....i had no idea what i wanted to do....so i listened. i hated it...still had no idea...so i pressed on. i did what u suggested...passively said. but now man...its crazy the amount of support i got when i was struggling through school...but now, to struggle through personal interests, growing passion....wow.
i had to go to sleep. my thoughts were beginning to drain me. all of me. so i said no reply confirmation emails before i sleep. woke up....walked straight to my phone ...called elizabeth gillett....
"hello, this is pamela shepard, and i have an interview for the assistant designer position"
"oh hello" (a ridiculously calming.peaceful voice) "how are you"
"i am well, in a bit of a quandry, but well. first off, thank you for inviting me in for an interview. that is both honoring and exciting. i need you to know that i highly interested in this position. i am in a difficult situation because i am in dc right now, and i have a flight to atlanta this evening"
"it is my desire to be in attendance for this interview, and i have exhausted the many ways for me to get to NY, but i honostly cannot afford to reroute everything to be in NY by thursday"
"oh no, we understand completely. we have a trade show sunday-tuesday. is thursday of nexy week cool?"
"YES! it's soooooo cool. thank you so much. so u still like me right? nothing against me? i'm still in the running?"
laughing "yes dear, stuff happens, its cool".
damn right stuff happens just said to me today...."life happens when you try to start living life". REAL TALK!
we make decisions, and we cannot second guess ourselves. just know that your choice is exactly what you were supposed to choose. for we are exactly where we are supposed to be. decide. commit. move on.
so MOVING ON.... i got a feel for their accessories, so i have organized a shoot for friday. dainty...ultra feminine...soft. got my photographer. makeup. hair. potential location.... and a model just fell out of the sky. wow.
my man is back, so i can get my printing done.
i am trying to WORK for any and everybody in the next week. if that means me tap dancing on a corner...its goin down.
FOR I KNOW THE THOUGHTS THAT I THINK TOWARD YOU, SAYS THE LORD, THOUGHTS OF PEACE AND NOT OF EVIL, THOUGHTS TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE.
...thank you for thinking of me.... you move in your own time...and you are faithful to your word. 'ppreciateyafolk!