i am disgusting. i lack responsibility. and its officially time to grow up. now. ....... yesterday i woke up around 9am. sat up in my bed, looked out the window and got extremely excited to see that it was raining hard. i then slid my body back under the covers, and just laid there. after about an hour, i pulled out my laptop and began to research paid internships in london. applied for a couple of jobs. responded to a couple of emails. planned shoots with photographers. i finally hopped out of the bed around noon. so on any other day, noon is the hour before i get off of work. hmmmm. i got up. decided to stay home and look for a new job. didn't even call my job to say i wasn't coming in. and was COMPLETELY OKAY WITH MY BEHAVIOR. ugh. that was trifling, and i vow to never do that again. before i went to sleep i told myself....don't lie tomorrow.
.....no one said a word to me. just welcomed me with smiles..... WHAT? i deserve so little of what i have. geez. ............
yesterday jabari called me around 5pm "get up, and meet me at turner field. the show is at 7:30. i have tickets for you, lets to to the circus" oh wow. i was excited, but not really, because by that time of the day i had become irritated with my actions (or lack of) from earlier in the day. i told him to stay by the phone. i called bridget... "hello sister...what ya'll doin?" "nothing. i do nothing now pam." "okay...." "i put in my 2 weeks notice, and valentines day was my last day" oh wow. bridget has spoken of how much she has despised her job in corporate for at least 3 years now. over time it has only gotten worst. her husband skipped town to pursue his dream. quit his job, and is now in LA. she has followed his lead. "we prepared for this, so that if we don't work for a year, the family would be okay" so much inspiration within my own family. i am soooooooo ready to work. work more. produce better.
they went to the circus last night .......... y-3 party friday night. gotta get my stuff together...i will be a walking advertisement. ........... BIG UPS TO TERESA....npr makes the world go round. such a big deal. do you get it? that consumed my thoughts all of yesterday. your journey is gonna be fun to watch....has been thus far.
so i got a job. i have had a job for about a month now. for about a month now, i have been acting like a jerk. i pride myself in being consistent, and secretly frown upon moody people. i have gradually become that moody person.
i work for bronner brothers part time 8 to 1. i do data entry and graphics design work. sigh......it has been SO hard for me. initially i told myself that i would work the first 5 hours of the day, and dedicate the rest of my day to styling. so far so good. hey hey....! my main project right now is styling for the UNIVERSOUL circus. this is soooooo cool to me. i shopped with the ringmaster and his sidekick (zeke, a little person... which was the TRUE challenge). i had to design. man, it's been dope. next on our agenda is a photo shoot.....60 people. this is crazy, exciting.
so yea. i work part time everyday now. and lately i have been abruptly ending phone calls, declining invitations, avoiding social gatherings, sulking, crying, really just acting up, but multiple times throughout the day. i am officially getting on my nerves. well, i was. i had to really sit and think when this behavior triggered, and i tracked it back to when i began working. i then evaluated how i act at work. and i came to the conclusion that i am a completely different person. i am not inviting.warm.genuine. talkative....i am brand new. i go...do what is asked of me...and move on.
the other day a co-worker asked that i teach her a program...and when i hung up the phone i mumbled (embarrassment rising) "i am not here to teach" WHOA! in that moment i realized that my greater purpose here is to serve and teach. when i came here, there was nothing that i felt like i could not do. nothing. i felt like i really didn't belong in this space....ITS CORPORATE, AND I HAVE TO DRESS UP....ugh.....it came down to me feeling better than this job. i suck. i suck. i suck.
in the short amount of time that i have been here, i have contributed a great deal to providing a facelift to many products. this was a full time data entry position...i requested that it be part time, they obliged, and now i do way more design work (i have so much to learn) than data entry.
i am here to help.teach.and serve. and to do it with a smile. (exhale. i feel sooooooooooo much better)
whoa. lent doesn't start till march 6th. made that up alllll by my lonesome. an entire month early. typical pam.
......... when i walked in the lounge, he was by my side in a matter of seconds. he literally stood and stared. partially discomforting, partially a turn on. "pam you look gorgeous...i'm moved...." hmmmm. he offered me drinks. entertained Day. and sat down for conversation.
prior to entering the space i said "day, i have had a serious energy shift. i don't even wanna go in here any longer, i wanna go home". after coaxing and logic (we had just driven about 40 minutes to reach our final destination), she told me that were going out and we were going to have a good time. she's good at pep talks.
i wasn't completely feeling him or his self centered conversation. i grew tired. he bopped around from table to table, and kept checking on me periodically. "i can't stop looking at you" -well, stop. "i like you so much pam. forreal" -do u? forreal? "please come home with me tonight" -nope.
he walked away irritated only to return with a bright eyed.bubbly young lady "Ohhhhhh, you're the girl from last night. artmix. i saw your hair" tiffany. we talked. talked. talked. it was cool. nothing too forced. just nice conversation. she kept bringing him up. saying just enough to let it be known that they have some type of relationship...she's just not saying enough for me to decipher what kind. it doesn't matter either way. i just listen.
walking past me one last time, wearing his jacket and scarf, he grabbed me out of my chair (sigh) "let's go" -c'mon...we've been thru this "pam. please. just come with me. we don't have to do anything, i just want to be around you tonight" -stop talking. i liked u. i swear i did. maybe not all of u per se....but i liked enough. i thought.
he left. i wasn't relieved, pretty indifferent. i stayed in the same chair for the entire night. i sat alone for the bulk of the night. i enjoyed my peace in the chair...moreso after he left. perhaps i was a bit relieved.
Ohhhhhh yea. about 5 minutes after he left, bright-eyed.bubbly tiff left too. "you were great...can't wait till we sit down and talk again" -the pleasure was all mine ms. tiffany.
day returns. we laugh. we mingle. we enjoy one another. after about 10 minutes my phone rang... after picking up the phone i hear him already in conversation, and i hear her dying laughing in the background ... "hey, where u at?" -_________......same place i was when u last saw me...10 minutes ago "oh you're still up there? whats the next move?" -day was in the middle of planning where our early morning meal would take place "cool. your new best friend, tiffany, and i are gonna come pick u guys up right now. and we can all eat"
i hung up confused. why are u coming? new best friend? i don't get it...
yea, so 10 minutes later tiffany busted through the doors to inform us that our ride was sitting on the curb. we hopped in the car. 5 minutes later i was at landmark eating with him, day, tiffany, (that suits her better...awww i sound like i'm hating), slick&rose, and another young lady. dude is STARING AT ME...and acting on tiffany. hmmmm...ok. as i was engaging in multiple conversations i was thinking....is this my punishment for not coming home with u?
wow. boo. that sucks. last night was good though. dunno how soon i would have seen that other side. i dunno, i think i'm just trippen over the fact that he is oldest man i've ever kicked it with...and he can't SEE the maturity of men in my past. that was some straight 3rd grade....poor sharing of emotions....foolishness.
i guess this is the cool thing about this new found phenomenon called dating....NEXT.
well do i really? yea, i think i feel pretty good.
i went to an artmix last night. i went with a young lady...and met up with some guys. i sat alone...and had an absolute blast. the two guys were engaged in a conversation with her about why they don't date models. (huh?) i sat off to myself...and zoned out. it was awesome. i felt really lifted during that time. christian sohl was the dj, sigh... it just felt great. i felt beautiful. i felt warm and tingly. i felt inviting. i felt content. it was really really nice. i am not sure that i've experienced that in such a setting before. ....... i styled one of the winners that made the band (haha), juanita. i was honored when i got the phone call to work with this photographer that has really made his name down here for music industry photographer. "okay pam...i hear you're dope, BRING IT! let's see what u can do this saturday". oh geez...i was all nervous. he had such a strong NY accent..and sounded so intimidating. (later i found out her was from new orleans....hmmm) "yea...i look forward to it"
i was told that the theme was scarface. michelle pfeifer by the pool scene. (well, ummmm, i have always been overly concious of graphic images that i take in....and ...well i've never seen scarface). i immediately googled the image. nothing. i searched the internet to find this look. nada. so then i decided that i needed to get the actual movie. the bathing suit was being custom made by a designer. the more involved i am getting in this shoot, the more i am realizing how established this team is that i am working with. ...ok pam, calm down...just do what u do. no worries... i go shopping with the designer for fabric. WE CLICK. dude is maddddddd cool. 27 years old, doing his thing. he was a strong clientele, and does a lot ofwork for our (atl) artists. ciara, luda, outkast....
he says that he wants to help me along my way. "you're serious, and i can tell....lets shoot!" i show him my work...and he stops me "i LOVE your work...oh yea, let's really do some stuff" i like people that get excited with ....new-ness.
i go to work. i get all these platform heels. wedges. boots. 70's style shades. floppyhats. woven bags. huge beaded necklaces. everything i possibly could have pulled that represented the 70's. (all browns/ tans)
as things unravel....i see how horribly this shoot is organized. its not organized. MAN....I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
long story short... 1. juanita d. woods is a genuine spirit with a pure heart... i hope bad boy doesn't corrupt her. 2. for one look, the shoot took 7 hours (oh nah) 3. location was supposed to be on a rust vintage couch...she ended up in the middle of a sprayed down auburn ave (wak wet looK). the street was blocked man....WHAT? complete lost of theme 4. the photographer was a BIOOOTTTTCCCHHH! boo. i don't care who u are. never again. i'm confused sir...r u tryna holla or completely take my job as a stylist? boo again. 5. 40 degrees 6. that was no styling done by me. i was a puppet. i lost the fight. 7. in conclusion, my hands dressed her, and sis looked like a video hoe. 8. bathing suit...boots....wet street.... 9. i couldn't sleep....and i got up the next morning feeling weak.
that joint was the TOP NOTCH WORST! i had to call juanita the next day and tell her how that was NOT me or my work. we talked. we talked. we talked. mannnnn....i don't even have nothing else to say about that. no i do... never again.
............ styled for universoul circus. ringmaster and sidekick. i shopped with the circus. what an experience. my favorite person in the bunch...SHOUT OUT TO ZEKE. mr. jb graham....please know that you are forever loved by me. thank you. i don't feel like i brought it the way i should have. it was more designing...i realized how much i have to learn.
i'm taking sewing classes once a week. my auntie is a seamstress...and she is ready to start sewing again. nice. ............. what to say? he's old. older. cool. he's spoiled. clingy. not cool.
now let me think this through.... my purpose for sacrificing is to get closer to God. whats the direct correlation though? i go without, having faith that God will sustain me with what i need? or is it that lack reveals to you what you have had all along? i really am trying to think...
because i am sitting here with extremely selfish intentions. "well my sacrifice with automatically make me a successful stylist" what? no....no no no. and i feel like sacrificial living should not be surrounded with motives. but i suppose that i can't really call the desires of my heart, motives. thinking in circles.
ok...retrack. the goal is to make sure that God's will and my will are in alignment. mom has always said "if your willing, then God's willing".... and that is another one of those cliches that i can't stamp with absolute truth.... "u can't have your cake and eat it too"....i dunno, i guess i get it, its just stupid to me. who doesn't want that? "beauty is only skin deep"....is it? okay...maybe these are just going completely over my head.
i think too much. i believe that God's willing, when your will is righteous. and i dunno that my will is always righteous. i know that my will is not always righteous. there are times when i act for show. i have to recite to myself sometimes "live for no audience". i know that its not by happenstance that i choose to be in an industry that revolves around vanity. the external. hmmmm....so what?
well....i suppose i need to seek balance. remember what matters. so the reoccuring theme is doing everything with purpose. begin with the end in mind.
so why am i sacrificing? (i have been writing this for over an hour now)
beauty is truth, truth beauty- that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -john keats
i commit to sacrificing to seek truth and purpose behind everything i do. patience. discipline. drive. THAT is beautiful. ............ i wish i were with coretta at her homegoing service today.