Thursday, April 27, 2006

i throw tantrums when i don't get my way....

my heart is always eager to love. i love that about me...and i hate that about me.

God operates in seasons, and the closer we get to Her (today), the better we learn how to adjust to the time(s). Time is to be honored. Yesterday i ran up the steps and stopped dead in my tracks, and touched the sihlouette of my body, and i got chills. i announced to myself...."i love this moment...i love 22". and i do....because i know that once its gone, its gone. i am learning how to reverse situations and seek progression. i cannot be still. there is no success in wasting time. its amazing how i will have days where i can get sooooooooooo much accomplished, and weeks where i am talking more than moving.

no season is ever a bad season. each one has its perks and downfalls. everyday is blessed.
why? because God is still in control...
and that brings me absolute hope and peace.


i've been asked to read for a part in For Colored Girls.
"i know you're a stylist, but i can foresee you having a strong stage presence. you were one
of the first people to pop into my mind".....
well....i did used to act.....
i was ranked in my county for performance....
as insecure as i am about being in the midst of trained actors, i am equally excited.
i'm gonna try my best.


when dealing with people, nine times out of ten, i have a pretty solid gaze on how our friendship/realtionship will grow. and even when i am wrong initially, i am generally pretty
pleased with our outcome.

today i am wrong. well, i am wrong for now. its amazing how easily i
get so caught in moments...knowing that this is a breif moment in time, i am good for forcing that moment to be all, end all.

even though i may be displeased with the outcome parts of me doubt that this is best.
*hmph...arms folded*
so many lessons to learn.


i am brilliant.
i am gorgeous.
i am talented.
i am fabulous.
~God's daughter.

***i've been reading random people's blogs lately...its amazing how many DOPE people the world hosts. its beautiful.

...cute, happy belated. that was fun.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

akeelah and the bee....GO SEE IT!

driving into work this morning, NPR covered the duke rape story. but they covered it in more of a "durham has such a racial divide" kind of way and less like a woman was raped by two men. it was fascinating to listen to, i felt like i was in another era. i could mentally picture every person that was interviewed. big country white men that wore too tight suits, and clean distinguished black men that were dressed impeccably.
white official (i don't remember, some position of clout) "well, i mean if you're a stripper do you really expect anything else to happen" *heh heh heh*, coming from a self righteous fat man.
black men.....duke professor "i mean, i never knew how the community felt about duke until my friends are telling me that they feel like we dictate everything" *wimper wimper, cry cry*, coming from a grown, displaced, and lonely man.

when someone is raped, until justice is served (legally, because Lord knows its never really served), then no other issue outside of getting to the bottom of who did what needs to be discussed. i have been going to durham for 22 years now...there is nothing new about the segregation in the city. it annoys me when everything outside of the actual issue takes precedence for dissection and analyzation.

two white duke lacrosse players rape a black woman that is a stripper.
two white college students rape a black stripper.
two white boys rape a black woman.
a woman was raped.
simple as that.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same....

-Marianne Williamson


every single day is not a purpose driven day.
i know what i want to do...i know what i do....
i have no plan. the goal?
to be able to live off of styling.
the plan? grind.
no...thats what you do.
the plan?
can't what i do be apart of the plan?
yes. but grind towards....?
the plan?


pick up a book genuis.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

sometimes u feel like a nut, sometimes you....nah i feel nutty

i have an anointed gift to be able to see the Beautiful. i am humbled, for i feel that this is a great gift to have. however, i now realize that i have so much to learn when it comes to understanding my gift. at twenty two, i am just now beginning to dig beneath the Beautiful....a lot is no longer looking the same. my eye is changing. much of what i used to deem as the Beautiful is now hard for me to look at.


do i rejoice or cry in the painful truth.


Monday, April 17, 2006

we kick rocks....

he sat on pluto and i stared at him from uranus. i admired the way his long legs dangled...his whole body was long. the entire galaxy waited on us. everyone anticipated out next move...
we moved slow.

his chocolate skin was the perfect contrast to the hot pink space surrounding him. he was a star, and all the way from uranus i knew it. i figure that he had to see me. i was sitting right in front of him; from millions of lightyears away i stared into his face.

every now and again i received gifts of sun splashes or crowns created from the stars. i never seemed to actually catch my secret admirers because i was too busy staring at him. something in me knew that the gifts weren't from him.

not yet at least.

Friday, April 14, 2006

but hun u got the madeline woods...

i am MAD tired.
....karla talks about her credit score. i am scared to remember i have one....
.....robin screamed on me when i said i didn't do taxes. ?????
......i am no longer a child....
.......he plays soccer, does copoeria, dj's, and is in grad america, i don't like him.....
........i bought my baby rainbow his or her first article of clothing. its soooooooo cute.
a itty bitty teeny tiny mint green shirt with africa stiched on the front in a brilliant
red yellow and green. and on the sleeves red yellow and green stripes. MAD CUTE.
way too much money for an inch of fabric...... week in atlanta is goin down (sigh...this city) and i've been called on a couple
........i met 5 stylists yesterday.....random!....... stuff was at her house. how'd that happen?........
........i really have a crush. blower......... i over it?........NOPE........
........spring time in atlanta, its a BRAND NEW CITY, and i live for it.......
........ryan turns 12 tomorrow YIKES.......
........first easter away from mom and dad. traditions are changing so much......
.........i need to shoot asap, well just anxious......ugh......
..........2 new summer dresses. i feel pretty. tailored chic. hasta la vista b girl......
...........i am not a child..........
.........karla. sigh........

Saturday, April 08, 2006 DANCE!

so yea...earlier this week i was ready to pack my bags and leave the city of atlanta.
off some straight running stuff....i hate the major market down here for styling (video hoe),
and my work just aint here. my portfolio is in a place that i am quasi comfortable with. MOVE pamela....God is so timely. its humbling. i know that i am anointed, and
my journey definitely is as well, just need to remember that at ALL times. the crazy thing is...when stuff goes down i always say "this is a second in your life...push through it" and i STILL TRIP.

beautifully human...


i don't just leave. i am not a go off whim type person. more of a strategic planner. and its
funny because people always label me as being spontaneous, but i'm not at all. i just may do
stuff that they don't ordinarily do. anyway, i was tapping into another me. this whole
duality within me is SO REAL right now.
pam1: "okay, karla is in NY....netta knows some folks in london. get what u need, and leave"
pam2: "you're not serious because you KNOW that its not time for you to leave"
pam1: "its time to work. work isn't here. its time to leave"
pam2: "you're not done"

pam2 was louder. so much louder that she has folks that i happen to love on her side.
someone i love:"its funny because everytime i want to move on, i realize that it hasn't happened
because my package that i am to leave this space with is not yet complete. something is missing".

and after the other night, i get it.
my portfolio has not yet begun.
as of now, my book follows the formula.
tall. size 2 or less. fraile. women that i KNEW
every eye would find "beautiful".
yeaaaaa....its time for my book to redefine beauty.
no two models will look alike.
its not so much of a challenge to dress women that
have the same body type...and are in the same age range.
a true skill is displayed when a stylist is able to
hone in on what does it for THAT PERSON...and focusing
in on that. forcing an eye to see that which is undeniably beautiful.
sigh....i have to start scouting out new models.
making a list of my new models
got some research to do.
PLANNING SHOOTS. strong concepts. stories.
i got a lot to do....

.......time to work. again.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

me against me

i have been fighting with myself all morning.
i wanna get outta this city sooooooo bad....
but i say that its not time.
whas really goin on?