Thursday, October 20, 2005

love without ownership

i love him. love him deeply. i love the idea that he was once my boyfriend... and we are no longer together... AND I STILL LOVE HIM. i mean we speak openly to one another about our lives. we talk about other people...the stages that we're in....expressing how wonderful.crazy.non-existant other people are. i know for a fact that with him i have a grasp on love without ownership. i get it. loving someone profusely and unapologetically for who they are...welcoming all the flaws. being okay with them loving other people. there is a true security in our relationship, because i never feel threatened about what other person may come along. i know that there is a place in his heart for me. only me. just as i have one for him. this is peace.

after reading the alchemist this time...the message that kept screaming at me was love without ownership. for about a month and a half i have really been meditating on what this means. i have come to the conclusion that i am very much of a selfish lover. and this selfishness transcends many man. i realize how important it is that my relationship take priority over any other realtionships that a person may have outside of me. i would always make it a running joke....
"damn dude...why u keep talkin about (whomever i may feel threatened by) so much?"
"oh thas your new best friend?"
blah blah yea...i would jokingly make these comments, but really be quite serious. its almost as though i had to be the BEST relationship that someone had. the most relationship.

....that is twisted thinking....

i mean...God has granted me the daily blessing of being able to call awesomely OUT OF THIS WORLD personal friends. i mean these people are world changers...progressively moving towards their personal goals. these folks have definitely contributed to my life. it wouldn't be virtually possible to be the same person had i not met them. with all that is absolutely retarded for me to be so selfish to think that i should be the sole person (or at least one of the know, childhood friendships, family...they might take precedence) to be so blessed by this interaction.

i am so pleased to know that i have acheived the idea of love without ownership in at realationship. God is so timely and on point. this is a reoccuring lesson for me during my time alone. i am learning to honor this season. even when i try to entertain "him" something screams....hell no pamela, this will be probelmatic, quickly move away! quite honesely, it all reverts back to contentment with self.

....i hear ya God, i'll get it soon...

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