Thursday, June 15, 2006
there is truly an uncomfortable balance between being anxious for nothing and steadily moving in a progressive direction. you can't be so lax that nothing is getting accomplished...and you can't rush rush rush into everything. i'm uncomfortable. i am ready for the NEXT in my life...next job....next home....next car(HA)....next man (1 guy consistently). but then i know that i am NOT ready for so much. i am so off. *sigh*
this is such a humbling season....i feel like i'm literally being broke down. ya know how on cartoons the big guy holds the little ANGRY guy's forehead to avoid getting hit from his aggressive jabs in the air. yea, i'm that little guy. get this....my mom said "well you might need to find out the bus schedule so you can get to work"...(montgomery county, maryland pam coming out)...."FOR WHAT?"....."pamela...you've totaled your car, do you have another option?"
"i mean..."....yea. no real other concrete options.
i feel really dependent...and its close to painful for me.
but i gotta be honest with me, through all of this, there are no real complaints....a bit of melodrama, but no complaints. everything of importance is taken care of. from whom much is given...much is expected. and i GOT A LOT! always time to work!
its time to go about some things differently, because clearly certain tactics are not being effective. THINK pamela.
live in truth (do better)
big ups to eric jabari bell (!?!?!)
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
yesterday i was on auburn ave. standing with my friend outside her boutique. a woman walked up and welcomed herself into our conversation. it was cool... shaunaz had known her from seeing around the auburn community in the past. her name was daisy. she was cute....she had on a gold NY fitted and a black jumpsuit. her chocolate skin was flawless, and her smile was enormous...her missing front tooth made her look like a child. daisy spoke of her life...the man that just left her....her father that was in politics....her sister that was james brown's secretary.....her ex husband that robbed her for $55,000... and every other possible downfall she may have had in life. she was RIDICULOUSLY articulate...and she was a very proud woman "oh i am nothing like these people on these streets. i will be off of these streets next week when i get my check".
as we all stood in a circle a man walking at a brisk pace was coming down the sidewalk. i ALWAYS look at people's faces (generally eyes) before i hone in on anything else. for some odd reason i stared directly at his arms first. he had very dark scars on his forearms and at the mid-section of his arm. i then followed his grey t-shirt up to his face. his cheeks were puffed out as though he was about to blow out candles on a birthday cake. he was walking so hard, and it was clear that he didn't really see us. as i was standing in the doorway i mentally said "stand firm". it annoys me when i see people back up, or try to shrink themselves when in the midst of certain people. its offensive...and again, i have to remind myself to not act in such a manner.
as the man approached the threshold of the door, i continued to stand there, anticipating him to glance up so i could offer a smile. when our bodies became adjacent with one another a force literally knocked me backwards. i lost my balance and was pushed back. it was physical. i stood dazed for a moment with my hand over my heart...genuinely confused as to what had just happened. it felt like someone had taken their hands and placed them on my shoulder to gently guide me back. it was spiritual. after seconds had passed i stepped forward again and looked out the doorway to watch the man continue walking down the street.
my senses were heightened. i glanced up and down the street and just saw so many sick people. and then i was prepared to see what we don't usually see. off some straight patrick swayze Ghost stuff, with the spirits at the end that melt into the pavement.
and it was better.
there is SO much going on right now that is way bigger than me. and it continues to present
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.
shahnaz gave daisy earrings.
i gave daisy a bag of clothes.
she walked off and begged the next man for .80 cents.
(tv on the radio....GREAT MUSIC.