Sunday, June 29, 2008

both today and tomorrow.

i am an amazon times ten.
the female version of paul bunyan.

quite perfectly, i walk with grace
and poise. its never my intention
to make anyone feel threatened.
i am the easy giant.

i like many people, but i know
not everyone likes me.
however, i do captivate.
many are curious.


i still live in the city...even though
i tower miles above the tallest
skyscrapers. i pay close
attention to make sure that
i am not stepping on anyone's
prized territory. its not my style.

i move only when clear with
my directions...otherwise i stand
still. many view me as a statue.
i don't mind being looked at.
i like holding my head
high in the heavens. this way
my eyes stay on God.

just moving forward.
just minding my business.

Friday, June 27, 2008

la dee da...(eh....3.0)

i am tired of writing about the boo boo cops in my neighberhood...
the story ends with me asking for daily circulation between
certain times....the times when suspect activity is at its
peak (1-3am)...
the cop (the one hour late cop) looks at me, and asks me where i'm from...

....i paused...hesitant of where she was headed with that question

"look. welcome to bedstuy. i mean you chose to live here. this is
bedstuy. you live in the heart of the 79th precinct...and this
is where its the worst. welcome to the SEVEN NINE...i mean
this is what it is. so if you want to live here...i mean....
expect stuff like this"

in conclusion 79th precinct cops:
1. lie and make up stories.
2. lie again.
3. arrive far after danger has passed.
4. tell you not to expect safety, but rather ruckus and unsafe excitement.


okay...allan my turn, my turn.
my results are kind of funny.
play along friends...the results are kind of interesting.
this is some music meme...activity...i guess.
and you sort your itunes a to z...and write out
the first song for each letter that comes up.

make sense? probably not...
here is another explanation: a better explanation

A...abet wubet...gigi

B....baba says cool for thought....lupe fiasco me (instrumental)...slum village

D...da rawness....melo-x

E....e luxo so....rosa passos

F....f.i.r.s.t....algorythm (HOLLLLERRRR)

G...the game....common

H....half day closing...portishead

I....i adore you....esperanza spalding

J....jacob's ladder....mickey factz

K...keep it moving...hi-tek nuit d"octobre....serge gainsbourg

M....madelena....elis regina

N....naima....angelique kidjo

O....ode to billy joe....lou donaldson

P....p.d.a.....john legend

Q....querelas do brasil....elis regina thru time...kathy diamond

S....sabatical with option...prefuse 73

T....take off your cool...outkast feat. norah jones

U....u, black, maybe...common


W....walk it out...andre 3000 mixtape


Y.....yeah you....nerd

Z..... no go

i don't like my results...
i wanna do it again....
and lie.
and choose songs that i think make
me sound cool and deep.
(because i have plenty of songs that make me
seem cool and deep)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

79th precinct 2.0

"its all clear guys"

i watch the backs of the anxious cops as they walk out the door...
only one stays behind.

"okay. really was probably nothing. probably
just some guys up there smoking weed on the roof. when
they looked down and saw all of us, they probably thought
that we were here for them...and freaked out".

i am staring at this man intensely as he dives deeper into
his hypothetical story...

"or probably not sir. if you enter a building from the roof,
then you have a clear motive. and i'm confused, where did the guys
go? and what do you mean 'probably thought we were here
for them' were here for them right? you had responded
to my roomates 911 call"

he doesn't know where to begin.
so he is quiet for a moment.

"the reason why we were here was as a response to a police
radio alert. we heard that a cop was shot in the building
next door. we had no idea what had happened here in 355.
so no, initially we were not here for your incident. and i am
guessing that the guys on the roof saw us, got scared, saw
your hatch, broke in, and escaped"

"but to escape they had to walk out the front door. directly

"well mam...we don't know who is a resident of every single

....he's right.
i'm so irritated...and he's totally right.

"okay. who do i need to call to feel safe? apparently
the cops that are already informed about our situation
have yet to arrive. its been like forty minutes.
this is a building with all women residents...we complain
about the building next door DAILY. shit keeps going
down, and now your saying that cop got SHOT?! next door
is nothing but locks...people just walk in.
we need safety. i don't think anyone smoking on the roof
thinks that the best escape route is breaking and entering...
its bigger than that. who do i speak to?"

he looks at me and asks for a pen and paper.
he writes the words community affairs, a number, and
a couple of names.

"this is who you call. and ask for these people.
here is my badge number and my name...oh, and 311
is always an option"

..."i know. i've spoken to 311 plenty of times"

he begins to walk out...

"SIR...WHAT NOW?! our roof is wide open...and
you're leaving?"

"oh...ummm...well emergency services is on their
way. they will conduct an investigation up there"

"will there be an overlap? are you going to wait
until they come?"

"...mmhm, i'll be around. they're on their way"

he left.
and emergency services never came.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

79th precinct. 1.0

i grew up in silver spring maryland.
its the suburbs...about 15 minutes outside
of northwest dc.
two car garages, clean sidewalks,
synchronized streetlights after midnight,
perfectly maintained parks,
familiar neighbors, annual
carnivals at the local elementary
school, bike ramps, creeks
with crawfish, swim team,
communal tennis courts.

you can see it right?
*if not, think "father of the bride" scenery.


my roomate knocks on my bedroom door...
she is holding her 14 month old niece.
"hey pam...don't overreact, but when
tammy and i were coming up the stairs
we passed two men coming down. now,
i don't think they're guests because i didn't
recognize them, and when we reached our
floor, we saw that the roof hatch was open.
so they somehow broke it. ....and now
i just looked out the window, and our entire
building is now surrounded by police".

my heart stopped.
and i stared at her niece.

i lifted my laptop from my thighs,
hopped out of bed, and grabbed
the shorts laying on my chair.

i prayed. loudly.

..."amen"....i had forgotten tammy was here.

i stepped on my bed, stood in the windowsill
and looked down at the chaos taking place
on the street. about fifteen cops stood outside
my front door, and neighbors talked amongst
themselves. i collapsed and sat still for a second.

i ran to the front door...and made sure everything was locked.
tammy and abby sat on the couch.
they looked comfortable.
abby stood on her mother's legs and bounced around.

being on the top floor puts our apartment at immediate
risk for anyone entering from the roof. in the back room,
windows open up to the fire escape that scales the length
of the entire building.

"did you make sure all windows are locked in the back?"
"well...theyre locked now, but they were open earlier while i was out".
"ummm, did you check and make sure we're alone?"
" room is cool."
"okay...close your door"

i go back into my room and sit in my windowsill.
i open the screens, and literally lean out of the window.

not one policemen looks up.
i am scared.
i don't want to yell.
i am staring down at the heads of the cops...and over
the many random onlookers.

this is a scene.
everything feels unreal.

i am trying to speak...and its taking me a moment
to actually hear my voice.
an officer looks up...then what seems like a sea
of people turn their faces our direction.

i can hear my roomate from the living room
window speaking to him. fingers are
pointed at us. i retreat back onto my bed.

within the minute i hear a stampede of
footsteps coming up our stairwell...
they came quick.
,,,too quick.

i was expecting a delay assuming that
they would apprehend the trespassers first.

"hey ladies. whats going on?"
my roomate speaks.
sitting on the floor, tammy continues to
play with abby.
"two men? when? where?"
she speaks again.
"but we didn't see two men.
were they coming or going?"

i'm confused.
either they went back up onto the roof.
or they forced entry into one of the remaining apartments.
or they walked out the front door.

judging from the baffled expressions,
i am leaning towards number three.

a couple climb the ladder to search the roof,
while others go into the back room to make sure
no one else is in the apartment.

they all briskly walk towards the back with their
hands on their guns.

God save me.


Monday, June 16, 2008

chosen family. (the older brother)

he lives in his head.
i live in my heart.

we don't talk much.
and when we do...the
conversation is memorable.

he shakes his head at my sarcasm.
i dismiss his chauvinism.

we work.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

blindsighted at my core.

i'm sitting on the train and its somewhere between 3 am and 4 am.
my inner thighs are stiff from the cartwheel races, and my right hip
hurts altogether. i push my butt deeper into the seat, lean over, and press
my elbows into my thighs. i take my glasses off and set them
so that my knees are now wearing them. with my chin in my
hands i begin to look around.

i can't see anything.

faces are blurred. the train feels accelerated, kind of like
a rocket ship. i think. i close my eyes and the sensation
escalates it all feels even more frightening. i turn
my head to the right, my friend is sitting
perfectly still with his eyes closed. his eyelids
aren't even moving...he seems comfortable.

..this strikes me as being odd.

i squint my eyes to make out facial expressions
from the blur of colors surrounding me. everyone
seems genuinely comfortable. i mean, no one
looks uncomfortable. no one seems to look
the way i feel. i place my glasses back onto
my face, feeling like i am moving at a warped speed.

its confirmed...everyone is comfortable.

i look at the seats diagonal from me, and that
guy is sitting there. i see him all the time,
and we always acknowledge one another.
i hope he doesn't think i am shady because
i didn't speak. ....but i guess he didn't speak
either. maybe he saw that i was feeling panicked,
and that i couldn't see. i wouldn't want to speak
to me either.

i have high energy.
i am blind.


makes sense...i did watch STEVIE WONDER sing tonight.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

lets talk

you, my dear, have been an absolute mess.
either stay in your room, or shape up when you're around folks.
its unacceptable, and you need to grow up.
make some decisions...commit to changes...
and continue to move forward.

or just simply move.
look back
take notes
and remember how to move.

no more outbursts.
no more dismissals.

just deal.


thank you all for not escorting me to bellevue.


ummmm.....this is hella random.
but i am SO clear on why i am the way i am.
she danced. dressed. and gave "the help" gifts...
between rudy and polly...keisha knight pulliam
was my role model from age 6 until 12.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

i am the happiest girl you know...

i just reserve my smiles for public settings.

...or so it seems.

heart shaped box

i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn black.

its kind of what we did.
feelings got hurt....
our colors shifted...
and we ate it all up.

i ate it all up.