Thursday, January 31, 2008

alone with company.

so i left work.
juan and i walked out together.
we headed down wooster, about to
make a right on grand.

the surrounding area outside
of deitch gallery had turned
into a mini times square.

droves of stagnant people.
camera flashes.
bright spotlights.
standstill walking traffic.
the only difference is that
everyone here looked petite,
european, and immaculately

juan wasn't
he broke right, and i proceeded
to jump in line to push
my way into the gallery.
(get inspired)
i did.

the exhibit is filled with
images that force words to
surface. with each
picture side by side...
sentences are made.

the re-occuring idea
is that messages/stories
are everywhere.
kitchen tables...tshirts...
silly putty...wherever.

i like his thoughts.

layering has been a concept
that i can't shake.
after tonight...i will
revisit it again.


i knew that we had met
before...and i thought
that her name was amanda.
she was meeting with a man,
and i chose not to interrupt.
i ordered my
situated at the table...pulled
out my book and ipod...prayed...
and prepared to eat my food.

i saw him put on his hat.
after glancing at her body
language, i could tell that their
conversation was coming to an end.
i leaned over and tapped her...

"hey...we met at powerhouse
this summer. i remember you were
from maryland. you're a photographer...
i don't recall your name"

"i DO remember you. i took a picture
of you...i'm amanda."

i was i didn't guess.
well...i didn't want to disturb you guys,
just wanted to say 'hello'"

she smiled.
i put my headphone back in my right ear.
in my peripheral i could see his legs
walking out of the door.
i glanced up just in time to see her
chair move closer to mine.
i took my headphones off altogether.

"mind if i join you?"
..."nope. please do"

its funny.
i remember her very clearly from our first time
meeting. she doesn't too much recall
me. she was high that night.

we backtracked, and conducted our
introductory conversation all over again.
she is really personable...i like her.
i didn't mind hearing her story again.
...its a good one.
she asked for my website.
i told her i didn't have one. again.
she asked for me info.
i gave it to her. again.

"amanda...we did this already.
we've emailed one've seen my
stuff...i've seen yours"


" was a long day. i had
a million meetings. you're randomly
the 5th chick i've met from spelman
TODAY. its just a crazy day."

i laughed.
..kinda random response.
but funny nonetheless.

i rose to hug michaela and express
my excitement for the sister circle
on saturday.

i told her.
"i knew that i was gonna see you.
i'm powerful like that"
(because i am)

she smiled.

i returned.
i told amanda where i was headed
to next, and that
she was more than welcome to
come along.

we left together.


about a year ago i spotted
him at a reggae. apparently
he had done the same. he extended
his hand offering me to dance with
him. i happily accepted.
we danced.
we talked.
we exchanged info.
he hesitantly confessed that he had "a lady"
i was quietly irritated.
he looked sheepish.
he called me to inform me about his parties.
i kept the convo at a minimum...and never had contact with him again.

....until tonight.

so amanda and i are pretty much best friends by this point.
she came with me to a ridiculous screening...and she
knew pretty much everyone in the space.

i was being introduced to her friends like we had history
(which we kind of do...but only i remember it).
this STUNNING woman embraces amanda and sits down at the table with us.
she feels sweet.
she catches up on old news with amanda...while steadily
trying to keep me abreast so i didn't feel left out.

amanda asks
"where is your fiance tonight?"

beauty breaks out in laughter
"girl i haven't seen you in a minute. i am MARRIED!"

involuntarily i slap beauty a high five, and congratulate her.
she explains to amanda that after traveling to senegal, and
seeing their relationship from another perspective...she was
clear that this man was her husband, and there was no need
to wait any longer.

beauty GLOWED.
i was genuinely happy for this complete stranger.

amanda says
"okayyyyy....i wasn't ready for that. where is he?"

beauty responds
"girl...standing right there"
she catches his eye and motions for him to
to come over to our table.

it was him.
that guy.
from that night.

he did not notice me in the least.
he could not take his eyes off of his wife.
he smiled and stared at her as she spoke.
he was proud. and in love.

i know for a fact that man did not remember me.

so....we met.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

quit. moving.

its like my heart found a new home.
in a ziploc that is sealed tightly.
and she can't breathe...she constantly gasps for air.

but there isn't any.
no air anywhere.

she quickly learned this new place very well...
but she just can't commit to one particular space.
she fidgets too much.

she scoots left, and becomes nostalgic.
down a bit...enraged.
if she shifts to the right, optimism takes over.

but if she sits still, she is relieved.

...and then she moves again.
she is suffocating.

this is just now.
just now.

Monday, January 28, 2008

we date!

tell alllll your friends.

okay. we don't.
but he doesn't mind my still tell alllll your friends.

(we love this guy

Friday, January 25, 2008

quiet baby.

i need a new brain.
mine has only one thought.
and its making me crazy.


i hate feeling judged.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

she made me cry.

it was random.

we wandered into a promotion for his new book.

"the hardest (working) man in showbiz"

ron jeremy's animated voice served as the soundtrack for our scene.

jenna jameson...charlie sheen...never
paying for sex...heidi's girls...30+ year career...

we joined in laughter at his crude anecdotes.

we halfway listened to the insightful questions from the followers of his work.

we sat in awe when he spoke of the first time he kissed his very own penis.

as she began to speak, i stopped hearing him.
i shared space with a porn star only to talk about love.

i asked her how her weekend was.
and she told me.


selflessness. +. adventure.

it is so easy.
to strictly capture the good from people.
to take their wit.

and to not even engage in their stupidity.

it's a choice to acknowledge everything about somebody.
when you choose not to ignore the stuff no one enjoys,
then you really care.

a lot of folks really care for me.
i'm thankful.

she really has love for him.


if my every interaction is an exchange...
then nothing will feel like a waste of time.

today ended perfectly.
i learned.
due to an exchange.

and i am so happy.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

maturity + love + accountability = this.

on the train i was thinking...

and i realized.

that if i don't feel appreciated.

then i don't try to change anyone's mind.

my ego is pierced.

and i move on.

it doesn't interest me to attempt.

to make anyone think differently.

i am not so sure if this is the answer all of the time.

...more than likely, it isn't.



lets not celebrate martin with lots of liquor and wild dancing.

me? how do i celebrate dr. king?

oh...well i celebrate him every day.

i too live in my dreams.



Saturday, January 12, 2008

on my mind.

he asked me "do you know what a black hole is?"

i replied "yes. its a place in outer space...where stuff gets lost"

he laughed. "that might be the best answer i've ever heard"

"i know there is more to it please...tell me, what is it?"

"well, in a sense, stuff does get lost. it can be the result of a dead star"


Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky!

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the traveler in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
Till the sun is in the sky.

As your bright and tiny spark,
Lights the traveler in the dark,—
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

(who knew?)


if stars die...and become black holes...then its like they never existed.
or is a black hole visible?

a black hole is a region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing can escape after having fallen past the event horizon. The name comes from the fact that even electromagnetic radiation (e.g. light) is unable to escape, rendering the interior invisible. However, black holes can be detected if they interact with matter outside the event horizon, for example by drawing in gas from an orbiting star. The gas spirals inward, heating up to very high temperatures and emitting large amounts of radiation in the process.[2][3][4]

i like this.
so if huge, luminous balls of gas basically disappear and are identified only when outside elements are involved...then anything is possible. really... anything!
this is a phenomenon.

stuff dies...even stars.

today's sermon has left me with a lot of hope and understanding (a lovely combo)
conclusion: change and evolution happens and is ultimately necessary.

if it happens in outer space, then it also happens in inner space. (me)

Friday, January 11, 2008

i remember this dream.

this was our first time seeing one another in about a month.
or perhaps it was years.
i saw everything from my perspective, so i spent a lot of time
simply staring at you. studying you.

we were at a family reunion.
it was summertime, and you
resembled how you used to look
about 3 years ago.

long hair.
two cornrows.
small, dingy white tee.
over-sized gray basketball shorts.

a lot of your family was there...
really just your sister stands
out. she kept co-signing with
your words, and spent a lot of
time up close near my face.

it was all very uncomfortable.

the grass was a healthy green.
the picnic tables were old and rustic,
i was concerned about splinters.
the bark from the trees blended
with the tables. i know that
they were big trees; the base of the
trunks and the roots were huge.
i never saw any leaves, or sensed
any shade.
just felt lots of sunlight.

it was painful for you to look at me.
and whenever u did look into
my eyes, i wanted to disappear.
you were livid, and hated
me for how i handled things.

a threatening frown was stamped
on your forehead. your eyes were
small, and you consciously controlled
how wide your mouth opened...your
clenched jaw and shaking voice
made it clear that you were fighting
back screaming.

you said i was immature and selfish.
amongst many other things.

after so long, you couldn't even
speak to me any more. i watched
your back as you walked away.

i remember thinking that i deserved
to feel like shit.

...and then i woke up.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

either you do. or you don't

he wants to jump.

and i will. (did)


if it felt like a good idea at first...
then its a good idea.

now i just have to do it.

(a tribute to p.j.)

Sunday, January 06, 2008


i'm just a soul whose
intentions are good.
oh Lord
please don't let me
be misunderstood.

miss. understood.

i think that it's
my intentions are far
from always being good.



karla is love.
i don't cherish her enough.
peace corp will cause us to
have oceans between us.
2 years is a long time.
but we've done it before...
so we can do it again.


Thursday, January 03, 2008

thank you best friend.

....quite a gift indeed.


p.s. iowa caucus...word?
now that wikipedia tells me what exactly that is...
hmmmmmm...i choose to start caring now.

i have at least one foot on board ms. brantly.
(perhaps my interest is a bit delayed...
but ya know, sincere excitement is becoming harder to come by)

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

i'm ready to dream.

i want to sit in the stands an watch a matador and a bull dance.

i want to dress my brother for an awards show.

i want to love a man that only cares to see me.

i want to take a road trip across the united states.

i want to write a book highlighting the brilliance of my chosen family.

i want to go bike riding in brooklyn.

i want to sponsor my parents in living out their wildest dreams. monthly.

i want to host a tea party wearing victorian costumes.

i want my mind, eyes, and hands to become perfectly in sync.

i want to live in a place where my surroundings are always in technicolor.

i want to dance with my mother to live music.

i want to lay on my back and look up at the aurora lights.

i want to have a backyard with hills.

i want to speak many languages.

i want to feel kisses that give me chills.

i want to have an account solely for funding loved ones.

this is all for now.

boots and bows.