Thursday, August 18, 2005

hey ma! i have a response....

i am so accustomed to operating around me. i am my priority. even when others have different agendas from me, naturally, i'll figure a comprimise; never will i automatically fully give into their agenda.

the other day mom told robin that she wished that i had a real job. damn ma. when i asked her why she said that, she replied "because i do". well there is nothing that i can really say in response to that. this period of my life is packed with purpose (as all periods are), but i see this purpose now. in the moment. ususally stuff becomes clear for me in heinsight, seldomly in the now. walking in faith isn't too much of a challenge for me, because i know that i am obligated to get a great deal done, i know that i have to work hard and actively seek, therefore i feel like i will inevitably end up where i am supposed to be.

hope that makes sense.

i've never been a very flexible person. i am fairly regimented and honor schedules. i can name a number of people that have been placed in my life for the purpose of helping me with both my flexibility and patience. i don't have a very high tolerance for myself when it comes to being late, not getting stuff done, failing to follow through, basically half assing. as a result, i have even a lower tolerance for others, especially people that i love...yea, i'm working on it.

all this to say that my life has been catapulted in a direction where queenpammy can no longer always be placed at the top of my list. this is a time where i am forced to think outside of myself. i am not to concern myself with myself.

i have always considered myself to be a thoughtful person. but now the more i think about it, the more i realize that i was thoughtful with motives. i would do things more for a reaction and less for genuinely enjoying committing the action. i recite to myself multiple times in a for no audience, only God matters.

with that said, i would like to stress that i do have a real job. creating shifts in personalities past the age of 0, is a chore. although there is an influx of sickness and death around me, i praise God for all of it.

i have had revelations about myself that have afforded me with the opportunity to both step outside of and get over myself.

far beyond any 9 to 5 i've ever had.

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