Monday, August 22, 2005

memories can stifle or help with progress...

grace told me to be wary....she understands that we went our seperate ways for a us still remaining friends is cool but its imperative that we are very clear in our wants and needs for one another. i know grace, i know. thats all the more reason why i prayed to God for me to be easy before i left to go to his house at 12:30 am.


got there.
had the dramatic viewing of one another.
and kinda just looked at how we've had slight changes, in the past 2-3 months.

he says that we're extremists. either we can't sleep without laying beside one another or we won't see one another's face for a matter of months. well, last night broke the m.i.a. spell, but for some reason i don't think we're falling back into the intimacy spell.


we left the house to walk to the nearby church parking lot. we skateboarded in circles and he gave great critique on my lack of technique. he then took the time to look at the board i was using, only to anounce that it sucked. he gave me his was pretty much up there with eric's. (ha...inside joke). due to the many cracks in the concrete, we walked back to his house, hopped in the car, and drove to a nearby park.

as i drove up, i read the from 6am- 12 midnight...we proceeded to drive into the park. after watching me struggle to perfect a curve time and time again, he gave me his board. i went into the tennis courts and felt like i was floating on clouds. it felt really really good. smooth. i could have stayed out there all night, but since he wasn't skating with me i felt kinda bad for having his board.

before i went into the tennis courts i gave him my glasses.
i'm blind.
so while i was in the tennis courts, i couldn't see his actual body...not even the outline. he blended with the many colors that were all around me. anything outside of the board, my red shoes, and the tennis nets all began to overlap and become one. just a huge mural of dull muted colors surrounding me. although i couldn't see him, i knew that he was hidden somewhere within that mural. and i was comforted like hell. i would call his name every now and again to just get verbal confirmation that he was near.

i couldn't see him, but i'd like to think that he just sat there and watched me. for some odd reason, just the thought of that makes me giddy.


....the reason really isn't odd at this point, its clearly natural.

we left. went back home. i was soaked from a mixture of sweat and the muggy atmosphere. pretty gross.
he let me play his new electric guitar. outside of my many made up songs, i performed the one song i know how to start off....redemption song.
his body language says so much, i've grown to know and understand it well.

then he played. i was elated by his progress since the last time i had heard him play.

he gave me shorts. i changed. we watched million dollar baby. he gave me his bed and his pillow. he played that damn song. i miss him so easily. its like i'm fighting my body to not do what my limbs, hands, fingers, are programmed to do. and then i evaluate why we have made concious decisions to go our seperate ways so many times.

it makes me realize that us existing in the platonic world is so ....ummm....forced. i am forced to hold back that comment, i am forced to push away that thought....i dunno.

no i do know...the day has to come soon where either it is or it isn't. i vow to never again indulge in the best of both worlds with him....

....maybe i really don't know....


Grace the Globe Trotter said...

NEVER AGAIN??? Pam, never is such a strong and unecessary word... let´s just say that your next intentions will be honorable... and whatever happens next will be honorable as well... :) I absolutely love reading your blog... i know it is kinda unfair because i am not writing.. but it is coming....

wild cowgirl said...
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