Thursday, July 28, 2005


i write for those who: think that they might have talents in, are early in their careers of, or are on the verge of making it in the realm
i write for those that: think they might possibly have talents in....are early in their careers of, or are on the verge of blowin up within....the realm of fashion. THIS IS NOT FOR THE EYES OF THOSE WHO ARE COMFORTABLY SUCCESSFUL ON THE OTHER SIDE!

i know what u mean...polish disclaimer

the sex issue
the music issue
the bootleg issue
the fashion issue
the money issue
the slept on issue

goal....hmmmm, perhaps a different goal for every issue.
sex issue- how to revolutionize modeling so that sex is no longer the selling tactic!
slept on-cotrice couture....paper competition
money issue-clothes no longer denote social status....????

all i got. topic at a time.
topic 1...slept on.

Thursday, July 21, 2005


hmm.... and this is my mind...

it comes in lapses. i look back on work that i've created and become genuinely surprised by my results. its nothing that i carry with me at all times...its time to learn how to conjure it up when i lack it altogether.

i can't design now. last week i was given a project to create logos, and i delivered 5 in a day. one week later i cannot retrack and create one logo for the same client. "those were great, but it looked more abstract in my head". maybe thats the problem, once given direction i begin to lose any fleeting focus that i once had.

focus and discipline go hand in hand.
it is imperative that i just get it done.

Monday, July 18, 2005

lalla essaydi

there are three silences...
the first of speech
the second of desire
the third of thought

Saturday, July 16, 2005

beauty overwhelms me...its everywhere

i walked in the house around 10pm. my auntie laid on the couch with many scarves wrapped around her head.
smile..."you look cute"
"pam, only you would think wanna see?"
what the hell is she talking about?
she proceeded to remove all fifteen scarves from her head to reveal her freshly shaven head.
AHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh"dude, u look SO CUTE!!!!!"
"shutup pam."

it was less painful for her to just cut it all off. the toxins were not only battling cancer cells randomly dispersed about her breast, but also caused her hair to fall out by the root. her hair had begun to look brittle and broken with patches of her scalp exposed. it just looked like it hurt. whatever that "it" was..somewhere between the cancer and the cure.


she worked hard to convince her 15 year old daughter to come with us to the wig store. as much as i tried to inquire courtney's opinion on the various wigs, she made a point to keep her distance. i could see her visible discomfort whenever the asian man (aHA) would remove and replace wigs on her mother's head. however, her issues were in no way comparable to the pain that her mother was obviously in. everyone hurts. i try not to real reason to.

i strongly suggest a human hair mid-back length wig. black with a couple of brown streaks. courtney looks at me like i have lost my complete mind, "nah ma...pam is trippin". i then explain to both of them that she can take the hair to a beautician and have her cut into a short, more realistic style (layers). they both agree that its a good idea.

her wig looks cute.
i want a wig.

thursday, june 14, 2006 10am
"hey pam, my girl told me about a breast cancer support group tonight at grady. what you doing tonight?"
"ummmm, coming with you"
"cool, i'll meet you up there at 7:30"

that night i came into contact with some of the most strikingly beautiful women i've ever seen. i don't mean,'ve experience struggle and triumph, and your story is beautiful and inspiring...nah, not of that. i mean i saw some bad ass dimes...who just happened to be breast cancer survivors, or surviving. like...really i am tryna be on your level at 46 and 52. their stories were encouraging as well.

the fact that God was constantly acknowledged throughout the meeting did wonders for my spirit. His power and presence was undeniable. and to top it off, the meeting ended in prayer. ahhhh...i love it.

i can only praise God from whom all blesings flow.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

this universe...

we have never held stuff in. even when we were together, we always made it a point to be honest. regardless of what may be at cost, we felt an obligation to TRY...i mean put forth major effort to speak in truth.

circa 6/?/02
"pam, u tryna make it official? i wanna be your boyfriend."
"pause...pause...not yet...we're getting there, but i'm not ready yet"

2 weeks later...
"well chico, i mean its cool because i KNOW that i am the only girl u talkin to..."

...that same damn silence!

"chico...somethin on your mind?"
"....i mean, you don't talk to nobody else? cuz i assumed u did when u said u weren't ready yet."

...whoa. who is this bama? how does one possibly go in pursuit of others just cuz i said ...not yet, we're getting there. "nah chico, i don't talk to anybody else"

"well, yeah, i'm kinda talkin to this other girl"

ouch. oh boi, i truly felt that one. backed up. turned my back. and walked to my car.

once we established what labels meant to us "talking, messing, a.k.a. gray area bullshit", we then discussed what we wanted for ourselves. we became a couple.

three years later, i still feel the need to be open with asim.
so yes, that meant bringing a cease to dodging topics and manipulating the direction of conversation...and more of just answering questions.
so yes, that meant telling him that i had a special moment in time with his friend.

thank you donovan...thank you donovan...thank you donovan!

this universe is crazy. sometimes i feel like i'm gettin wayyyy too much attention from her to just be lil ol me. how is it possible that asim and i shared the exact same predicament? how is it that we were both the ones that conciously chose to overstep boundries being fully cognizant of everyone that was involved? ni....K-boog...yes we were equally slut whore bags. aHa.

and now, i feel good about myself!

Saturday, July 09, 2005

black mind

"what are you thinking about?"
pause..."...ummm nothing. my mind is black"
"nah stef, you're always thinking about something"
pause "not mind was black"

for about a month and a half i have been thinking about how my mind is never black. there is always something on my mind. but then i consider the idea of different ways of acheiving what a black mind has to offer...nothing. even though i know that my mind is constantly racing with fleeting thoughts and ideas, it is always a challenge for me to remember what was the focus of my thoughts. therefore, i have come to the conclusion that in my own way i have achieved black essence nothing. how ironic, a cluttered brain for me and a blank one for stef (who by the way turned 7 years old yesterday) are equivalent.

so then the question arises...when am i seriously thinking?

....forty some odd minutes later....

i can only come up with two times...
1. i am thinking when i am forced to focus--> dialogue/conversation
2. when i have or want to create something-->concept for a shoot, logo, article...whatever

how interesting. i seriously think when i am in exchange with someone or something else. ha!

it took me way too long to think about when i think.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

deep waters

today was the first day i saw it. when i flew to the virgin islands i noticed that deeper waters were different hues of blue. this is exactly what it reminded me of. her nipple was an island, the areola was sand meeting the waters, while the actual breast was where the depths of the ocean varied. i cringed. today i discovered that she has advanced breast cancer with threat to the skin.

"since my first chemo treatment, my skin now looks a lot better"

it doesn't look painful, just severely discolored. i suppose i cringed simply because i know that she is in pain.

she stood with her back facing me. her brown skin complimented her lavender capris. i studied her back. it was beatiful, even-toned, and smooth...even with the inch long scar in the dead center. mentally i associated that scar (10 years old) with her current pain.

"i think that a tumor must be pressing a nerve that is causing pain in my back"

i cringed a lot today.
he touches her breast, tells her to take deep breaths. he says that the depths of her water appear to be more shallow. she smiles and agrees.

"get dressed, and i will talk to you about some things in a moment"

well...i do not like the tone of his voice for one thing. and i actually already did not like him because he took a phone call from his other office immediately after entering the room.

"blah blah blah...a new drug....blah blah blah....we're changing your treatment....blah side effects...just because we want you in remission asap"

she wants her body healed. she has prayed over the people that are treating her..both in the ability of their hands and the wisdome of their judgement. her faith is strong. i suppose mine lacks because i being with the questions...

"ummm, exactly how new is this drug?"
not that new...3 years, its just REALLY getting great reviews in the news and media
"and its just as effective in african american women?"
oh racial differences.
i whisper a prayer over her decision to change treatments and walk with her to the chemo room.

God physically carries us in trying times. angels guide us according to His will. ancestors speak to us giving us the confidence to press on.

as she sits here, toxic chemicals enter her body one drip at a time. she reads, re-reads, and researches everything about these medications. her obedience and hunger for knowledge is inspiring.

sitting here with grandma's sweater, grandma's warmth is comforting her (literally, the side effect of this new treatment is chills). grandma is here.

so i do it in my mind, and if it is Your will, please just do it. let the cancer dissapate, let the white blood cells spread. let their roles reverse. let all tumors shrink. let her waters gradually begin to level.

....we gotta go wig shopping...

Friday, July 01, 2005

done and over with

i would like to report that i am all moved out. my body is so angry with me and i am announcing that i will never again in life move by myself. that shit was a task. i stored everything at my auntie's and eMAC's house. i thought that i would be SO much more emotional about leaving 4th ward highland walk. i think that my body is too tired and limp to really care right now. my final night there i thought about how everything really does come full circle. my final night there reminded me of my first night there. no bed...laying on the floor....looking up out the window. i chose to sit there and attempt to remember all of the phenomenal times that i had in that space. i came up with many, and i'm sure that i forgot more. life is good!

the last being that i had to move out was charlie and her fish tank. oh charlie is experiencing what her mother is going thru. i had to move charlie to a small cup from her fly mansion of a wall tank. i figure that if charlie can hang with me during this transition...then we really were meant to be together.

my half cousin? (my uncle's child before marrying my aunt) is definitely tryna holla. dude....get outta here!

hmmm....i miss grace, karla, and dorthea. its so interesting how much of kindred spirits K and i are. we are always in different space going thru comparable situations. we both have shifted from living alone to living with family. God bless us K!

4th of july weekend. hheeeeyyyyy. MJQ tonight....on and poppin. why so you ask? oh only because CARMEN VALENCIA BROWER is crunk about being in attendance. ...not only does she want to go, but she wants to bring her posse with her. booyaw grandma. skies are changing or something.