whas goin on with you pam...

the year is NOT over...
two entire days are left....
yo...a rack of stuff can go down in two days. smile.





.....i feel like a nomad....i am a nomad.....
.....i am beautifully broke.... (i'm just glamorous, it's really not beautiful at all)
.....i am applying to jobs. like real jobs. my man got the email addresses of every designer and pr contact in NYC......
......i am no longer intimidated by the idea of NY.......
.....holding tight to my faith in regards to my abilit with styling.....
......i've personally emailed every designer and pr contact in NYC....
....GOT MY FIRST DECLINE TODAY...."i really like your work. we're just not hiring right now, i'll be sure to keep you on file though"....
-----------------oh boi, i have a fan (an industry fan)--------------------------
.....he said the documentary footage is beautiful......
.....antonio got my on the list to his show in dc.....
.....i've been partyin @ the 9:30 club since i was about 15....went back last week for his show.
fertile ground performed. no lie, i had a serious out of body experience. nah....i'm lying. i had a MOVING experience. i saw passion.
again.........


drumroll....and this is a secret....don't go screaming this to america....
........i will be having a new neice or nephew that i have instructed the immediate family to name
rainbow (as opposed to "it"). she loves rainbows. she is 7.5 weeks pregnant....
......LADIES: this is the season of pregnancy, if you do not care to be a mommy right now in life...ummmm u might want to take MAJOR precaution......
.....officially letting go.....
......i love u grace. karla, i'm moving in.....aHa....
.....jeremiah 29:11
for I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and hope.
ASHE
ASHE
ASHE.......
......i dress like i'm staying at the hamptons.....and i like it
.....last photo shoot sucked! model looked MAD ancient.....
......gotta SHOOT!......
......need a job.......

so like i said. 2 days. 48 hours.
IT'S FIXIN'A POP OFF.
let's go....

i feel like her! yea, her right there.....

no matter how old i become...i always feel like "the baby" when i come home. tightly wrapped up in a comforter with my body in a ball on the couch. when i was young, it used to be a big deal to me to only take up one cushion on the couch. its a bit pitiful that i still even attempt to do that 17+years later and about
3 feet taller. it feels good to hear my parents move around. i sit here, at 22 years old, and choose to watch jimmy neutron and get excited about the new disney musical that comes out next month. its crazy. i like doing childish things here. i like dancing just
to watch my parents crack up. i like pretending like my mom's soup is
the only in the world worth eating (hmmmm). i even may secretly like hearing my father
scream at me to button my jacket up to the "neckline".

at least i like it now. and i will savor in the now.
cuz God knows...this too shall pass.....

..........

this year is closing out, and i have a smile on my face. i dunno, for some reason its in me towant to say that this has been a bumpy year, many ups and downs. but the more that i think about it, i'm not so sure that it was at all. this was a good year. i started styling. i created a documentary. i loved. i was rich. i met beautiful people. i loved. i graduated college. i still see my grandma. i met new aspects of me. i still love. i created. i got jobs. i continued styling. i see and have more understanding of what it means to honor a faithful walk. i can't be mad at this year at all. its really all good.....

last night i styled for a show at sutra lounge. rocked it! the clothes were awesome. the girls performed. i was able to humble my spirit. i saw many friends support. rashan alii hosted. there were a number of celebritiy shout outs. it was crazy to me...simply because i was apart of this. scar was there. hi scar. he peformed randomly (but it was comfortable, not annoying) during the show. i gotta introduce myself to this young man. its crazy when u feel like u know someone but u haven't carried one conversation of substance with them.

my boys supported me.
i love how i can help them with their events, and they can show up to mine and simply be impressed. its like they're my teachers or something. and when stuff is mine...i gotta pass the test. much love 3 wise men.

hmmm....i walked last night. and i LOVED it. i wore huge shades, cuz i didn't want makeup on my stye. sigh....God stop it. please....not telling, asking. i have become quasi comfortable with my stye. well its no longer on my mind every hour of the day. thats a step in the right direction. right God? ....we can talk later....

magazine. (print)
WB (tv)
sutra lounge (fashion show)
3rd week of december brought me work.
coming to a nice conclusion for this year.
not tryna be completely done though....still have 11 more days in 2005.
lets do work MD!

tryna holla at some of that KING KONG love!

yo.....

america creates the craziest shit to praise/celebrate/recognize white blonde haired women....
king kong was ji sexy?
i mean...dude saved her....challenged her....protected her....fought 4 her.....sought after her....
LOVED HER.
i was cryin so hard it was ridiculous.
the child in the movie on the island was flawless....the people of the island were nice to look at
beautiful folk.
the movie depicted white people well...
the movie was pretty....not an excess of dialogue (i like that)
i am finally growing up...because i didn't keep my eyes covered the entire movie
dunno...i liked it. a lot. surprisingly.

anywho....
for once, i don't think i'm seeking love (sigh, even though knowing me, i secretly somehow still probably am). just seeking truth. yea....i romantacize everything. EVERYTHING. and now i am just taking stuff for what it is....not working so hard....trying to just let life happen.
S C R E A M. its so hard for me not to be involved....

we kicked it at javaology and he stepped me through the creation of my myspace account. as a mucisian that gets mad connects and business thru myspace....he felt like it would be a great
way to promote myself as a stylist. he is such a flirt...and its funny because when i look at him i literally see my 10 year old cousin. he's 34.
"just come thru with me tonight to eat sushi with my friends. its my friend's birthday and we are celebrating. u can be my date"
thinking. thinking. thinking. "oh nahhhh...."
"why not?"
"i dunno u like that and i hate being the one person that knows no one in already formed cliques. i'm cool on that, thanks though"
he looks at me and after a long pause, busted out laughing. "yea, i feel u. i don't like being the outsider either. okay well look, after that i am going to a small party at earthlink. wanna come there?"
"damn dude...aren't u quite the night owl. ummmmm....yea. i guess. i hope there aren't a lot of people. how long do u think it'll last? what u just want me to meet u up there? damn..i look like a teacher, i gotta go home and change....."

he just stares at me.
"u done?"
"sorry...yes."
"good. we won't be out all night grandma. meet me up there in an hour. u look great, don't change"

.....eddie murphy RAW voice...."ok"
as we leave i wave goodbye to the BEAUTIFUL young man that is the cashier at the shop.
"damn girl he was anxious for u to turn around and wave. its so obvious u want him"
whoa..."i've learned the difference between finding people attractive and actually being interested"
"ohhhh u have sensei? well teach me"

we went our seperate ways.
we met again.
"dammit girl! u changed."
"shutup. i don't go out after 6 lookin like a teacher"

i like our energy. its not forced. it is what it is. i'm comfortable.

we walk up the stairs to earthlink...and i too, simply because i'm with him, am somebody.
anthony. ANTHONY. aNtHoNy......everyone is hollerin at dude...
we take the elevator up to the loft...and we walk into this great space with a great band.
he guides me in front of him...i see a couple folks i know...and he is straight working....
exchanging cards, cds, catching up with folks....workin.
he keeps saying "ok, i don't want to leave u here alone....i just"
"dude...this is what u do. this is business. go to work. i'm cool. i can stand alone. contently even"
he smiles.
I HAD SO MUCH FUN. i enjoyed meeting with new people. dancing to the band. standing in a space pretty much off to myself. experiencing new talent. being move.d it was nice. really nice.
he kept coming around to check up on me. it was peace.

we had simple talk. updated one another on whats coming up in one another's lives....got in our cars...went our seperate ways....


.........5 minutes later.....
"pam. are u home yet?"
"ugh. nope."
"lets go dance. lets go to the peacock"
"now?"
"yup"
"ok"

we went.
we danced.
we laughed.
we talked.

and nothing was forced. nothing. it really was like old friends kickin it.

its always to find a guy and feel like he can just be a friend.
thanks anthony! i really appreciated the purity of thursday night.
......

now back to that KING KONG love...i met a photographer at friday's shoot....sigh.
LOL. ima mess.
still love u Heart!
wish i had a seperate heart, so that this heart could have the simple role of feeling the love that i have for it. one heart to give. one to receive.
damn...that would be a doosie.

come if u can....

i think i miss feeling happy more frequently...don't think i'm depressed or anything...just not happy??

i don't feel good. i am sad. all i really wanna do is cry.
and sitting here at a coffee shop, i am quite comfortable doing so.
hmmmm....
this morning i woke up to suze orman giving a lecture on GPB
called young, fabulous, and broke. God is soooooo good!
so so so good. i dunno whas goin on with me right now.
i never want to give up this dream....haven't even really gotten
started, but styling is getting on my nerves.
i am young.
some days i'd like to think i'm fabulous
and i am for damn sure broke.
that lady said some great stuff. some really key things for me to think about.

pamela shepard is a focused wanderer.
...ready to set some goals....

move on girl....

let's see.....
i endured one of the most intense interviews ever...
GRIP Magazine...up and coming, last issue featured Purple Ribbon Allstars....
that made me happy. hi janelle. hi scar. the office is actually designed by
my billionare friend....senor richard taylor. its beautiful how people are able
to let themselves shine thru their work. richard actually helped me to pick out
the pics for my portfolio. the same portfolio that i was preparing for my interview
with GRIP. the same GRIP that is in the space that he (richard taylor) designed.
i see u God....

the fashion photographer ripped my portfolio apart. taught me a GREAT deal in
that 45 minute session. spoke of the angles, lighting, contrast, makeup, location,
EVERYTHING in every single pic.
"one thing i can say is that your styling is consistent. you're good at what u do"
he and the editor took it upon themselves to have an intern fetch clothes from his
trunk. "i just want to see what u can do right here in the moment"
part of me is geeked, and the other part is nervous. the intern entered the office
with bags filled with lacoste, juicy couture, calvin klein....MENSWEAR. ugh.
me love women.... BUT THAT'S OKAY.

i lay the clothes on the floor, sit on the floor, and go to work. as i'm working the editor
says "david (the photographer) has his masters in fashion photography"....
ok. why'd u say that? i continued to work.
david says "i know how I would put it together....just curious what u would do"
ok. now why'd U say that? i continued to work.

as i was done putting items together, i left out what didn't mix. i explained why i put
pieces together. i explained color combination and texture. i explained additional
accessories i would add that were not actually there. yea....they felt it.
he then showed me his combinations, and explained why. he also explained who the
clothes were purchased for.....that would be scar himself.
WOW. if he did it, why can't i.
woo hooo!

got the job. i will assist on the upcoming shoot, and i will be head stylist for the following shoot.

"the best part about your portfolio is that ur work doesn't look like u. u have range,
and your personal style isn't forced in the pics. yea, you're ready to grow, lets do work"
good deal.
---
left there and went to sutra lounge. i have a show there on monday night. models are great.
clothes are AWESOME. choreography is dope. venue is cool. guy i'm working with....sigh.
i'll learn one day. i put forth 100% and pray for the best. can't possibly be worst than last time.
----
left the lounge and went to WB. my first show, the finale of the season. i aws the stylist. i dressed the host all my own. we went to the boutique and played dress up. it was hard for me because she is the oldest person i've ever worked with. she is hella conservative. after a stressful search (i felt a lot of pressure for this to be my first tv shoot) i came up with winter white slacks....silver tank....and a sequined pink shrug. very adultesque. smile...
i was fearful that the crew would not like my work. long story short....she was a perfect
contrast from her set. had i put her in the traditional christmas colors, then she would have
blended in the set.
"that's the best she has looked all season" said the producer.
hey hey hey!
and the head stylist was there for the shoot, and she rubbed my back
"i'm strokin ur ego girl. u did good"

triumphs....
................................

i have a stye on my eye and my insecurity is at an all time high.
God is hollerin at me about vanity.
i finally called him.
goin home. whats a girl to do there?
anthony and i kicked it.
ima groupie 4 pj mortan
went to the peacock. first time in years.
she just told me she is gonna be a mommy.
wow.
and she just had her baby.
common makes me smile.
just BE. i like that.
time heals.
gotta work. gotta re-evaluate
life is crazy.
grace attracts love. nice.
now that i think about it...she's been a mommy for a while.
honor time. honor being proactive. honor work ethic (teach me more tiona)


....seasons are changing.....

less starving. more artist.

got my phone cut back on today.

work without a job....nah i do have a job. sigh....

yesterday was my first day without a job.
remember? i quit.
and yesterday was STILL A PRODUCTIVE DAY!

sienna and i met up to talk about the photo shoot she
wants to take place. we went by a really nice boutique
on peachtree. miz scarletts. yo, DON'T EVER support
miz scarletts. the energy that the woman gave off
was staight up disastarous. ugly man. i'm trying to
inquire about the store (really trying to gaze the like-
lihood of me pulling clothes from the store). that woman
was evil dude. she was really talking to me like i
dirt. so i just continued to make my way around the
store...she kept trying to ask stuff....i guess i answered...
i dunno. she was the worst. we then went next door to
joe muggs to look through magazines. after that
we went to different boutiques and stores to look
at clothes. sienna has a particular dress in mind, and
i am trying to find it. i took her to a black owned shop
that was comparable to miz scarletts.

i wonder if i would like it if i were white....

no.

i got a phone call from WB....yup, warner brothers....
i met with them at 4pm. they are looking for a new
stylist assistant. the show is called ATL insider...
i sat there and met with mad people. showed the
woman interviewing me my work. told her my goals.
blah blah blah....long story short, i am the stylist
assistant for a show sponsered by WB called
ATL insider. (i wrote that really nonchalant, but i
am geeked). my name will be in credits! first show is
dec. 14. soooooooo.....i have to put the host in something
holiday-esque. ironically enough, while i was sitting there
AMBROSI (image consulting company...needed retail
shots) called me. it was insane.
"hello, ms. shepard? this is ambrosi. my name is _______
and i am calling from the chicago office"
....awwww shitttttt......
"i got your portfolio, and i just wanted to know where you
stood."
......AWWWWW SHITTTTTT......
"you are too fashion forward. we do more set design,
and even your product styling was highly fashion based"

"wait, i know i can do set design. those were just a couple shots.
if u give me a week, then i know that i can have many more
shoots that are solely set design. i know i can get it done!"

sidebar....why the hell did i say that when that product shoot alone
was ridiculously hard for me? was i really mad at her critique?
well in the moment, i was.

"well ms. shepard we are looking for portfolios of people that
do this for a living. i mean people that have a portfolio
filled with retail.product shots"

"well i just know that this is what i want to do. and i know that
you guys do some type of styling with fashion"

-clearly this woman is beyond ready to get off the phone
"ms. shepard, home depot is our biggest account down there"

WHAT THE HELL?
"oh."

"how about i do this, i will keep you on file for fashion jobs"
...."yeah thats cool".

my heart was broken. i was really sad. now mind you, this entire
conversation took place at WB. i sat in the studio and continue to
watch the show...i was sad, but i did feel a little better when
i received a phone call from the WB folks later on that night.

"hey pam, you're a stylist...and probably a super shopper....
u think ur a tv person?"

"yes...well, i think i can be. why?"

"well we were thinking we could interview you on the next
show in regards to holiday shopping...and how we can get
a bargain for our bucks".

"oh yea...i would love to do that. i'll be doing research
in the meantime."

"okay, we'll call you soon with the specifics"

.....
i need a job.
LOL....i do.
life is good.
random as hell, but good nonetheless.

let me think...

i've started, erased, and restarted this blog a couple of times....
not getting too far at all...
my mind has an overload of thoughts....

i miss being robin's wife (she really is married now)
i am not that excited about my shoot this weekend
i need my money for this barbershop project
something in me wants to cry right now...
cry hard.
he said i am great at what i do....
i am a stylist.
i gotta read the bible
that ed hurley was legit!
RENT....hmmmm, but i LOVE musicals...i dunno, that one was a bit rough 4 me
remember community
some days i miss my long permed hair
ready for change....i think.
moya is beautiful.
i think (pretty sure) i have my first magazine shoot.
sister circles are beautiful.
i love women.
....men are cool too....
i'm not sad that its over, i smile because it happened.

correction....i want to cry hard AND scream.
i love my heart!

......

pics from my product.retail shoot.
i see that its hard for me to completely
let go of a model. i can't solely work with product.
much of my connection is to the body....


photographer: davonne
models: lovely pakistanian women
stylist: pamela a. shepard

everything comes full circle....everything

hmmm....
definitely just had a meeting with one of the partners from that awful fashion show.
she's not javaology partner.
and she's not mississippi.
she's the oblivious one.

yea...we met.
update u ask?
javaology and mississippi have joined forced to build an empire. (evil empire?)
oblivious is a one woman show.
she said it was a tough experience and she has learned her lessons
she says she wants to do work...she respects what i do and is ready for what i have to offer...
i told her my day rate...and what my role as STYLIST entails...

*i have a shoot dec 5.

cold busted show was fabulous. jabari g. is a walking example for me right now.
and i appreciate that. left ACEmedia today.
too much shade, not enough profit....that balance sucks.

still doing what i do....
model: enin
photographer: future
stylist: moi

yo....this concept was the best....now note, i am a prop in this set i am the "make up artist" but know that i did style this shoot....

thanks mississippi

...yeah about that show...
first and foremost...GLORY BE TO GOD. your presence is real...i couldn't deny it if i wanted to...and i thank you for choosing to deal with me. wow. i'm am such a mess, and the mere of that is overwhelming. out of all of your children you choose to give me personal attention.
thank you.

sigh....i could no longer sit on the idea of girls walking around with jeans and tshirts. it was beginning to eat away at me. in an annoying kinda way. friday afternoon i met with one of the three partners at javaology....the first words out of her mouth to jump off the meeting...
"one of my partners is in mississppi, and will not be back until 4pm tomorrow. (day of the show) and i have no idea where my other partner is. we need clothes because we are uncertain as to whether or not the clothes that we are supposed to be getting will even come thru. this is a mess. there is an urgency for us to get clothes".

i sit there thinking...."hi melissa, good to see u too" instead i embrace her, tell her that i have been exactly where she is, assure her that everything will work out and that a great production will be produced, and then we proceed to talk. in conclusion, i was asked to use some of my resources to try and get more clothes. now that i think of it, it is amazing that the no parts of me questioned whether or not i would be able to get clothes, fire clothes at that, in less than 24 hours for a show the following night. she left me with the men's clothes, and i proceeded with my day.

i woke up saturday morning ready to begin my day. my mother's flight left at 4pm, but i had to say goodbye to her early because i knew that i had a full day ahead of me. we hugged and kissed one another and whispered our adioses. i was out of the house by 10, and at bad rags by 11. i left there with 4 pieces....God bless monica. i then went to shoe freak.....left with 2 pairs of seven jeans, and a million shirts....and with an invitation to return for shoes later. i was headed to (hmmmmm, how do i go about this, don't wanna put her business out there). okay. i couldn't get in touch with the owner of the last boutique. her line was staying busy for her home phone. eventually she called me back sounding absolutely drained.
"yea, so last night i spent time with the woman that my husband has been having an affair with"
whoa.
"ARE U OKAY?"
"yup.....i like her."
"HOW'S YOUR HEART?"
"100% better"
.....another story for another day.
after hearing that i didn't even want to ask her for anything
"pam, what were you calling for?"
once i told her, she provided me with the illest jewelry and clothes. her store alone was about to make the show.

women. wow. and i'm one too. i'm honored.

this night was long...the story is longer....
basically i worked hard to organize three solid scenes. i worked to match up jewerly, shoes, purses, put together pieces....i had 3 solid scenes with clear concepts. i sat down with the models and gave them the prep talks

"you love these clothes, you respect these clothes, you honor these clothes, you do not do anything to hurt these clothes. be careful, i don't want to see any makeup....rips, nothing. if it doesn't fit, do not force it!"
.................sidebar.............
during the fitting earlier in the day i felt tension from the mississippi partner. it eventually surfaced that she was mad at the partner that i met with for questioning her ability to come thru with the clothes. and her irritation was being channeled my direction, and i believe its because i came thru with better clothes at the drop of a dime. and i don't say that in a cocky way, but my clothes were of more quality and more interesting and fun to watch at a fashion show. her other two lines consisted of denim.
..........we're back...........

i set three scenes.
innercity coutoure
vintage soul
and my store (the third store i went to)....can't catch me....
scene 1.....i dress the girls...the girls walk....done
scene 2......i dress the girls....the girls walk....done
scene 3.......i dress the girls.....the girls walk....prepare for final walk.

at this point the girls look flawless. this is a finale.....memorable. i was pleased at an all time high. models line up to take their final walk. mississippi comes out of no where...."guys we're gonna get the leftover clothes and do a fourth scene".

pamela shepard is livid! yo....God was in me, cuz i was somehow controlled and composed....but my soul was literally on fire. mississippi threw together random pieces from each line....told the girls to grab jewelry and get ready to walk....

(calm down pam.....)
i am no longer in control. models are running up to me asking me how they look. i coulda screamed that they looked horrible. it was in me to throw a fit and refuse the models to walk out in those clothes. nia rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. i love her for that 1 moment. it was effective.

i began to gather together my clothes....and go off to be away from everyone.
javaology partner "are u okay?"
me "nah, but i'm not putting another ounce of energy into this until this is over"
javaology partner "oh no....what happened?"
me: "not now".

so of course she badgered me a good three more times...and i keep tellin her to just wait...we'll talk. the models return...and i congratulate them on a job well done. they're oblivious...and really i have no beef with them at all. they're tellin me how great i did....how much they wanna work together in the future....blah blah blah. yay models.

mississippi approaches me....
"i didn't mean to offend u....but u just have to know my personality. and i thought it was best for me to make an executive decision and extend the show....i didn't mean to offend u, u just have to know me"

......sidebar....knowing ur personality makes u being wrong acceptable? KILL THAT!.........

me.....
a CALM ME.....
"u have every right to make executive decisions, just know that the way u went about making that one was extremely unprofessional. this is my work with my signature on it. we all have roles...i am the stylist. things become problematic when you begin to step outside of your role."

irritated mississippi.....
"WELL....i am being woman enuff to come up to you and tell u that i didn't mean to offend u. u really do just have to know me....i'm sayin....i thought the show needed to be longer."

a CALMER ME....
"cool hun...u felt the show should have been longer. communicate that next time. stuff comes up and decisions need to be made, but its best when everyone knows. u articulated nothing to me. there was confusion from me to the models. and as a result there was no consistency in that last scene. i think its cool if u take the time to speak on it..."

and that was that.
GIVE ME A STANDING OVATION. i spoke in truth, not in a spiteful manner, and i had a calmness. the biggest thing is that i am striving for this to be my career. everything that my name is behind needs to be golden. so when i am asked to get clothes for a show (as a stylist, someone who just puts stuff together and doesn't actually retrive clothes) i do it, and make sure that they are the best clothes i can contribute. why? because i am affiliated with the project. sometimes u just have to do what u have to do. and i did. i worked hard man. and it still came out ....ugh. wrong.

life happens....
i waved goodbye to everyone and left with a smile. i want this to be my profession and i refuse to act stank due to a reactionary spirit. your attitude is your reputation. thanks mississppi, u challenged me. and i am pleased with my outcome. i gotta learn somehow.

i have faith that it will be better next time.

what a fall.....

i am sure that this is something that i say during every change of season....BUT i am feeling like this fall will be memorable forever. i drive down the street and literally get tears in my eyes. everything looks absolutely crisp. the blending of the colors are perfect.
i whisper goodbyes to the leaves as i watch them float from the branches to the ground. their lives are over, and their jobs have been served. like really...i wave goodbye to them.
and i think to myself...u did a good job, God is happy, u served your purpose. i guess i wanna be just like those leaves.

(disclaimer: all is not well) well, its going the way its supposed to be...sigh.
at any rate, i still feel light on my feet, creative, desired, kind, i dunno, i feel good.

lets see....updates...
well this weekend was absolutely eventful. two photo shoots and one meeting for a fashion show. the first shoot was dope...indian models....(some of the most hood women from pakistan i had ever met)....exotic jewelry...my product/retail shoot. i was SO excited. great shoot. long. but still great

*models are starting to get on my nerves....to all models out there...U ARE NOT THE STYLIST, U ARE A WALKING (SOMETIMES SITTING) HANGER...BE QUIET AND PRETTY*

second shoot was a bridal shoot on monday. sigh....pamela shepard doesn't even get geeked offa wedding dresses. and it was such an unconventional shoot simply because everything was provided. the dress, jewelry, shoes, the bride to be had all of that. the only thing was that her dress had not yet been altered...so i was there for that. we did that shoot in the suntrust building downtown. beautiful.

sunday, i was the last person to arrive for the meeting. "this is pam...she is a stylist, we are humbled to work with her cuz her work is awesome". whatta intro. so as i stood there with a goofy grin, after a delayed silence, i said "thank you". i waved, and sat down. the meeting was brief. i gotta feel for the theme of the show. number of models. blah blah blah. as everyone continued to sit aroud and socialize, i dipped out.

O
K
first rehearsal was last night. what have i gotten myself into. now mind you, the day i came to the first meeting, one of the directors pulled me aside and said "girl i might need u to walk in the show!"
"but i'm the stylist"
"oh we can work it out so u can do both"
"thats a little much, i'd rather not"
"ok...ok."
i go up there last night with nia. i needed someone to write down the order of the models and who wore what. she was my assistant. sidebar....at my bridal shoot i had a 40 year old woman as my assistant. THAT TICKLED ME. she was sweating me for so much ifno...i admire her!
back to nia
the directors pull me aside "oh we may need her in the show". i look at them like...damn do ya'll have women models...whats the issue, why are u recruiting everyone with breasts? i sigh, look at nia, who is the midst of the male models quasi posing and doing a great job of acting non interested in her surroundings.
"yea she'll do it".
they squeal with delight. "well does she need any training?"
"nope...she is a performer"
"great!".
i tell nia she has been recruited...she acts momentarily irritated and stressed, as she gets in the back of the model line all in one swift motion.
okay...so as i stylist i do print work. there i come up with the looks...and bring the aesthetic together. ummmm...this is so different. i don't want to step on any toes, so i make sure that i meet the vision of the designers and boutique. so basically i execute what i am told. and i feel like what i am being told is wak. wiggaty wak!

one store comes in with six pairs of jeans. and thats it.
he says "the girls are gonna walk with just the jeans, no shirts, covering their breasts".
creative pam "YES! and we can put sooooo much jewelry on them that little skin shows. the jewelry with serve the purpse as the shirts. bangles up their arms. chokers, neclackes, neckpieces, the whole nine. long earrrings..."
"no, we were just thinking, bangles"
...sad pam "oh, okay..."
that is so wak. wiggaty wiggaty wiggaty WAK. women with no shirts, orginal right? NO. not at all. and THEN he had the audacity to pick only two models for the six jeans. so ur scene is not only just jeans....but two girls wearing them. thats absolutely uninteresting.

so now i am concerned. when i am acknowledged at the end will people think that i styled the entire show? like those were all my ideas....? geez....i gotta figure this out. i am so agains that jean segment...thas not gonna work.

two models (out of maybe 15 girls) can walk. two. nia (surprise, surprise) and this chick shayla. everyone else looks damn near silly. but then i don't wanna overstep my boundries, cuz that is not my role. but then i don't wanna be apart of a silly wak show. pray pam. do somethin.

.....
pics from the retail/product shoot are not exporting from the camera. this is delaying my sending the pics to the company. i give it to God.

all will be well...its too beautiful outside for it not to be.

She is so awesome....

its up to us to pay attention to the omens. both good and bad. God wants our attention, and quite frankly, she of all people deserves it. (i'm feelin like God is a woman today...she's been so compassionate and nurturing these past couple of days).

so i am really hard on myself with this styling stuff. and i almost feel like if something is not popping off for me at least once a week...then i am seriously wasting time...not doing what i need to do. and i think that i have come to the conclusion that my thoughts are only partially true. yes, i do need to stay busy and engrossed with this...this needs to become my everything...but on the flipside, this is the type of work that can be wishy washy. nothing about freelance styling is synonomous with 9 to 5 stability. i get it.

so this week, and last week (even though i did place the warriors party as my priority) i haven't really had any styling projects. and that frustrates me. my mentor told me that a great deal of the market here in atlanta lies in styling for product/retail. not solely people. so this week it is my goal to get that in my portfolio. even though i am dreading it, because i have not one creative idea when it comes to the thought of styling a camera or a piece of jewelry or even a toaster. sigh....i don't even think of that as styling...thas set design. but, i do want to show my versatility. karla encouraged me to look though magazines when i expressed my difficulty with strong ideas. i tried...but when i look through magazines, i am damn near thinking up ways to slightly copy what i see. not the route...

tuesday i had lunch at slice. it was me...nia...t.i....and the rest of the commoners. LOL...well t.i. was there, just not with us. my friend came and sat by me...
"so ms. pam what are u up to?"
"staying on the grind to be the best stylist i can be...and u?"
"styling."
"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU STYLED....WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS?"
"yeah....i just did ludacris "georgia" video. and i style for this rock band"
"oh..."

why did i get SO down after that conversation. u have to understand that this young man and i used to model together. we also graduated at the same time. i felt so behind. discouraged even. so i kicked rocks throughout the rest of the day... i mean i was really down, just feeling like my progress is moving so slowly.

i love how God screams at me. honor your journey. within hours a weekend packed with events surfaced for me....
thursday...meeting with a makeup artist and local photographers
.....meeting with the art renaissance project (art and fashion) so i can show work and meet with the models so i can style for the fashion show ( i believe its friday)
REWIND...
wednesday...got a call from ambrosi (image consulting company) about sending samples of my work. AHAHHHHHHAAAA!
friday....i presume the fashion show
saturday.....modeling for a shoot with a new boutique in lil 5.....a nous (check it out) dope and affordable accessories......styling for a shoot for another boutique bombay gal (auburn ave) good stuff too....
all of these opportunities came up in hours

by monday i should have shot enough product/retail to send into ambrosi as an addition to my portfolio....

praise God from whom all blessings flow...thank you for being so attentive and timely.
i feel that you're always attentive (but in my immature point of view) not always so timely.
thanks for this though!

warriors....come out and PLAYYYY....

quite honostly...i have no earthly clue what i came out as....a 3 year old playing in her mom's closet? it was fun. the creativity of grown folks never ceases to amuse me!

yo....KDY PRODUCES STARS!

praise God for john. f. kennedy high school. i am a product of this institution...and quite proud of it. i left to go to college fully prepared, a bit confused by my lack of a workload, and really had a sound understanding of time management. kennedy was good for me. a good 4 years. i left out as homecoming queen, apart of sga, a leader on the debate team....yo i did it all. LTI (leadership training institute) was the signature program that i was a member of for 4 years. we were kinda shut off from the rest of the school. it was a big deal to me to make sure that i was involved with activities outside of LTI. i was the loser that tried to hang out with the artsy kids. i had no real contribution or talent...but i just knew that i felt connected to them. so yea...to give a mental picture...i would walk down the hallway with the "cool kids" (the ashleys...for u recess fans), and veer off to talk to the goth chick that wore all black with black nails black hair and black jewelry....

"pam...who is that? she looks crazy...."

...long story short....praise God for those kids cuz we make GOOD WORK 5 years later....
photographer: eli
model: dorthea
stylist: yours truly

friday night.....

COMe THru man! this is about to be soooooo fun. its an atl warriors party....they hold em in NY often, and now its our time to shine. i went to the venue yesterday and its DopE. even though its a halloween party, and lot of work has gone into the set design. its in thi huge warehouse over near the grafitti tunnel on Krog street....man this huge space is so well designed. its crazy cuz the set designer is the same guy that did busta's gimme some mo video where everyone like cartoonish with big eyes. so i walked in and there were huge flipmode signs lit up. come as a gang (gangs are 4 or more people). be creative! ima be at the door to greet ya'll. so after sonia and amiri.....i say we party together.....9pm to 3am. if u have any questions hit me up, and if u don't have my math (hahahhahha....philly kids), just leave a comment on here.

they came home!

dope.
dope.
dope.
this weekend was absolutely dope.
the end.

sike. let's see....
by thursday everyone was present. the fam was BACK. and that alone did wonders for my heart. chante....nia....ros....eb (sigh...those akas)....milan.....justin....delmar....stacey....ashley....the end. that was it....everyone able to watch one another blink and breathe yet again. i get so happy when we're all together...its like we never left. we all remember our roles for our functioning clique...and get to work. it felt good.
we all went to djgango for the OFFICIAL spelman and morehouse alum party. alum + django = a fluke move. perhaps i was the only one person that was told the word official. ? django is one of my spots in this city...and thrusday night it was a cool breeze flowing through the entire space...i mean desolate. i was a bit disappointed. but oh well...kept moving. perused the visions district and ended up at dragonfly. not my scene at all....the dj played songs in their entirety. i didn't hear one mix. highlight of dragonfly? the club has like church pew/quasi bleacher seating....and we did the wave multiple times during the course of the night.

friday.....i dunno. i missed my friend's opening at her gallery. i suck. I SUCK. i completely forgot. gotta call and beg her forgiveness. went to harlem bar. went to milan's. got dressed. ended up at insomnia. i love atlanta "around the way" clubs. that was the move.
.....pimp, if u want me....u can find me in....
THE A
THE A
THE A
THE A.
.....
good times. we met mad people that night. i got offered a modeling contract....i quickly volunteered my styling skills with whatever agency he works with....the business card was promptly removed from my fingers. lol...that tickles me now.

"you really should come to our office downtown and get some headshots tomorrow....i know you would be a great model for us. u don't look like anyone we have thats apart of our troop"

"yea? well ima a stylist, and i am sure you guys work with a photographer consistly....maybe we can meet and i can show you my book for styling...."
"no. i wanted you to model...i need my card back."

lol. ok ok ok. for some odd reason i didn't go to sleep until like 5. i don't too much recall what came after insomnia...i feel like we just went back to the halfway house...milan's. or maybe we ate. i dunno...but i went to sleep late. slept with the mommy to be...aerial. i laid on her tummy and rubbed her stomach in the bed. night night baby ade.

saturday i got up really early. i was pressed to get in the shower first. ahaaaa. we eventually got out the house around 4 and made it to campus. when i saw all the tailgaters, tears were almost brought to my eyes. saw old friends...made new ones...laughed....hugged....kissed....danced....it was nice. half of us made it in the step show...i happily missed out.

everyone looked so beautiful. happy...fun filled...new familes...new jobs....new institutions.....folks looked great to me. everyone! randomly crossed paths with kwabena. i returned his wave from afar...not really recognizing him...when he got closed i aksed that he shared his food (didn't matter if i remembered him...he waved) then he triggered my memory. long story shot...he kicked it with us that night.

the funny thing is.... i randomly picked his best friend up, and kicked it with him a year ago. great guys.

went to magnolia...everyone was extremely high. i wasn't and i was tickled. yet again. groove phi groove...swings....i dunno. they're funny to me. cool concept...i guess...i dunno.

IF I PUT MY MIND TO IT, I CAN DO ANYTHING! everyone wanted to go to the club. i didn't. i mean i'm talking at least 10 people against me. wanting to get out the house. hahhh hahhhh hahhhhhh we never left the house and had a blast. woo!
aaronica came over....jesus that chick is hilarious. ashland...annoys me. i still love him though.

sunday....aerial's surprise baby shower was at 1. i arrived at 1:05. others arrived at 1:15. aerial arrived at 1:20. the rest of teh party came around 1:45. MY CLIQUE CAME AROUND 2:15. yea....i temporarily disowned them for the day. it was a beautiful baby shower. my heart was filled. i saw the beauty of spelman...womanhood...intimate love...a spirit of wanting to help/aid.....yo it was great. everyone cried.

justin and delmar came back to us. we sat around...laid on top of one another and talked. or just laid quietly. went to willys.....tofu burritos...here we come (suggestion by moi). hahhhh hahhhhh hahhhhhhh! had great convo. nia, justin, and i say inside...while the others sat outside in the mild blizzard.

"i can't even see u with kids....you're too on the go. and beyond that u never trip off of dudes...."

ok justin. can't really say anything to that. we talked about love and relationships. God is good. it was a great convo. made me think. we took stace and delmar to the airport....had dramatic goodbyes...and returned to milans to watch desperate housewives and grey's anatomy.

God bless you all....i need all of you....i love all of you...i wish the absolute best to all of you!

oh yea....

come thru ya'll....sis is GENUIS!
opening....friday night (october 21) 5-8pm

love without ownership

i love him. love him deeply. i love the idea that he was once my boyfriend... and we are no longer together... AND I STILL LOVE HIM. i mean we speak openly to one another about our lives. we talk about other people...the stages that we're in....expressing how wonderful.crazy.non-existant other people are. i know for a fact that with him i have a grasp on love without ownership. i get it. loving someone profusely and unapologetically for who they are...welcoming all the flaws. being okay with them loving other people. there is a true security in our relationship, because i never feel threatened about what other person may come along. i know that there is a place in his heart for me. only me. just as i have one for him. this is peace.

after reading the alchemist this time...the message that kept screaming at me was love without ownership. for about a month and a half i have really been meditating on what this means. i have come to the conclusion that i am very much of a selfish lover. and this selfishness transcends many relationships....best friend...sister....my man. i realize how important it is that my relationship take priority over any other realtionships that a person may have outside of me. i would always make it a running joke....
"damn dude...why u keep talkin about (whomever i may feel threatened by) so much?"
"oh thas your new best friend?"
blah blah blah....so yea...i would jokingly make these comments, but really be quite serious. its almost as though i had to be the BEST relationship that someone had. the most fruitful...progressive....fun....fulfilling relationship.

....that is twisted thinking....

i mean...God has granted me the daily blessing of being able to call awesomely OUT OF THIS WORLD people....my personal friends. i mean these people are world changers...progressively moving towards their personal goals. these folks have definitely contributed to my life. it wouldn't be virtually possible to be the same person had i not met them. with all that said...it is absolutely retarded for me to be so selfish to think that i should be the sole person (or at least one of the few....you know, childhood friendships, family...they might take precedence) to be so blessed by this interaction.

i am so pleased to know that i have acheived the idea of love without ownership in at least...one realationship. God is so timely and on point. this is a reoccuring lesson for me during my time alone. i am learning to honor this season. even when i try to entertain "him" something screams....hell no pamela, this will be probelmatic, quickly move away! quite honesely, it all reverts back to contentment with self.

....i hear ya God, i'll get it soon...

keep movin!

dc trip was LIKE THAT! kicked it with the fam...produced GOOD work (not only styled but had the freedom to come up with concepts as well)...played rich black girl with my best fried for 3days in the hotel...received a standing ovation for the video presentation for dad....dad cried....i cried...dc was GOOD man.

x-fares is the work of the devil. and even though i am not yet too old to stop using it, i choose to stop using x-fares. both leaving atlanta, and leaving baltimore to return to atlanta was a hassle. i wasted mad time in the airport. but made friends both times. cool folks. now that i think of it i came into space with many angels that were helping me out in those airports. i had bought a salad from o'charley's. but they didn't have honey mustard and only had lowfat ranch. ugh. so i went to another food spot to inquire about some honey mustard.
"you gonna join us and eat here today?"
"no sir. i was just wondering if u guys have honey mustard? "
"nah....we sell wings"
he aint have to play me...i've dipped wings in honey mustard before, but whatever.
i scoffed, smirked, and walked away.
YO....I RETURNED TO MY GATE....WHY WAS DUDE ON MY BACK LIKE 5 SECONDS LATER WITH TWO PACKS OF HONEY MUSTARD. aww man...he boosted my life times ten. i was not so much looking forward to that salad any longer...and he, that quickly, shifted my outlook as to how that salad would taste.

i was a happy girl to say the least.

so whatever...xfares sucks. air tran workers suck (well 2 do). i had to speak to a manager about 1. i was too rushed to get on the other woman's back. jerkwads...for NO reason. i dunno, i just remember my 5 years in customer service...and yes i had bad days...but damn dude my role was still to serveeeee customersssss...

got back to the a. i love this city. its home. the weather was fabulous when i stepped outside of hartsfield. i had to buy hoodies to stay warm in dc. went back to my aun't house to get changed.
"pam, my time is growing short here. i am just trying to make sure that your aunt and the kids are taken care of. i see my mother so clearly now. i hear my brothers laughter in my ears all the time. and i just see life clearly. what is and isn't important. yea....death is close...."

geez. i constantly speak to him about his attitude. his attitude about life sucks. however, he spoke to me with such a clarity that i had no words to offer. i sat silent. i have a message to relay to him (since he foresees his departure)....God please help me to relay the words with clarity and conviction....please all for a moment, and help me to recognize the moment, when it is best for me to speak....please allow his spirit to be receptive.

God is good man.

went to the city. went to work. had a lot to do. met with milan at that thrift store (location remains disclosed). went shopping....wow....went to eat....went to javaology to do work. couldn't because there was a party goin on around me and who did pam meet...
only an extremely established FREELANCE STYLIST in this city. sis was awesome. she wrote out a buttload of information for me. gave me words of encouragement and direction. gave me her cell and and email and told me to stay close. mentor. DING DING DING. i like her spirit.

so yesterday i applied, for the first time ever, to a position entitled STYLIST. yo...usually stuff is like bits and pieces of what i want to do, but never the actual job. life is good.
pictures are coming in....ha ha hahhhhhhh!

went to morehouse.spelman fashion show. BIG UPS TO AL! wowsers. best show i've seen since i've been in college. it was beautiful! got a lil sad....wasn't modeling...wasn't directing....wasn't helping out backstage....just a lame graduate in vip. sigh...awesome show nevertheless. i knew mad photographers last night, and that did wonders for my spirit. i'd like to announce....pamela shepard is getting around....LOL.i welcome this reputation with open arms!

i saw tiona....hi tiona! tiona...i enjoy your style...everytime i see u...its such a treat!

had a freakin power couple sitting in front of me. he was flawless...she was cute...and their baby was adorable. they knew every single person in vip. and everyone was so geeked to talk to them. yea...definitely had to figure out who they were...and in turn tell them who i was. the power couple does like everything withing fashion in atl....modeling agency....image consultants....photo studio....the list goes on....

"oh pam, i am so glad you spoke....way to be observant. yea man we are always looking for new stylists. let me get your info....care if i give u mine?"
"please do."

.......
the moral of the story is....regardless of what the outcomes may be...the possibilities in the moment are SO encouraging.

i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist!

a mere glimpse....

there is SO much work 2 b done.
get it done ms. shepard!

back in the good ol MD...

it feels good to be home again. bittersweet though. i always want things to stay the exact same as a last remember it. never really happens that way....sigh....change is good though.

so my plane landed at 11:35pm sunday night. hmmm....why did i arrive to hartsfield at 4:15pm....anticipating to hop on the 6:25 flight. (deep breath) only airtran. i have NEVER had xfares fail me. in the past i always got on the flight that

*sidebar...my cousin is eating ice cream out of a mug and scraping the hell out of the mug with the spoon....its blowin me might hard right now.....

k....i always get on the flight that i arrange to get on. yea ummm....got to the gate....got a ticket....got an official seat...and the young girl was boosted. as usual...all was going well.

"pammmeelllaaa....i have bad news, u were on stand by, and people that had confirmed seats actually arrived. so i need to take your ticket back."

damn dude did my ticket really get revoked? lol, yeah it definitely did. removed from my fingertips and all. well for some odd reason i was on the verge of tears. LOL...i really wanted to cry. i walked down to the customer service to get "placed" on the new flight. i had a talk with the woman at the desk about the ethics behind giving someone a ticket and then taking it back. i really felt like the agent was wrong...it was her fault she gave me the ticket...it should be mine to keep. right? i told the woman at the desk that the agent was an indian giver. LOL....this is all so funny to me now. she told me that she was pretty confident that i would board the next plane.

i assumed that a tornado.hurricaine.flood.tsunami...something drastic had to be happening in baltimore because our flight that waas supposed to leave at 8:10 did not depart until 9:30.

i touched ground at 11:35...and the weather was beautiful.

robino picked me up. walking in a drunkened stooper...our constant giggles slowly woke her up. we went back to her fabulous apartment and stayed up late in the early morning. she is so great.

we went to the harbor on monday. ate at this cute sushi bar. went to markets. watched construction men construct. just kicked it. karla came and went thrifting with me on tuesday. went thru fells point and found the cheapest quality stuff we could afford to buy. karla left...kara came (thats robin's friend). she spent the nite.

today we came home. silver spring. when i snuck behind her my mom just stared at me..."u are so wild girl....why didn't u tell no one u were comin to town?"
i think it hurt her a bit that i came sunday....and just made it home today. she'll be okay...we will enjoy one another!

photo shoot with dorthea tomorrow.
life is good. no break here at home.
.......

men aren't actually stupid, they just pretend to be. and THAT is annoying.

whats on my mind...

....meat fast this week (broke the fast last week....so we'll try again....
....no looking in staring in mirrors and windows everytime i pass them....fix yourself in the morning and be done with that part of the day....
....get your damn pictures from raquel....
.....email break magazine.....
.....finish filling out health insurance forms.....
.....think long and hard about what you're giving milan.....
.....prepare to go to dc......
......finish video presentation for dad's banquet.....
.......re-email john crooms and zach wolfe....
......create a timeline (even though u spit on them).....
.......bug the hell out of bill hallman.....
......be content alone....this is a season for you....honor it.....learn....pay attention....
.....let him go....God help me....you owe it to yourself......
.....wait for nothing...u keep progressing.....
love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.

back in the day...well not that far back.

sigh....oh the memories...this pic makes me happy...almost as happy as the guy behind us!

kindred spirits....

dream 1.
as she laid on the couch she began to fantacize....his huge black truck....long locks...and she was the perfect trophy wife.
"God please remove these thoughts from me..."
following her please, she turned over she fell asleep immediately.

she saw herself on a stage accepting an award. everyone cheered and clapped to congratulate her accomplishments. she stood there in her fine gown mentally preparing to give her acceptance speech. as a black community leader that always nurtured and worked with the youth, she wanted her words to be perfect. at the end she said "and i'd like to thank God". she said it simply because its the thing to say...u know, rapper, football player, actress, dancer....it is always protocal to first thank God. she turned off t
he platform and headed backstage....

-
she was smiling in her sleep...took a deep breath...and knew that she could die in that moment a fulfilled woman....
-

the moment she reached backstage she began to float. she was amongst angels. they all floated outside of the venue and flew directly to a train. this was the train to heaven. everyone was extremely warm and welcoming. there were many humans and angels. she watched as the angels went from one person to the next and congratulated them on their meaningful lives and complimented them on how well they lived for God. she watched the exchange of many hugs and kisses. as the angels approached her

-she took a deep breath-

they immediately pushed her off the train and told her that she never relayed the message of God's love.

-
she woke up. her eyes opened and she became worried....and instantly she fell right back into the dream
-

as she floated away she was surrounded by different people. she was comforted in knowing that she wasn't the only one kicked off the train. she even became prideful and excited about the idea of meeting knew people. seconds later she felt the presence of evil. she was surrounded by demons...

-
she woke up. she was stuck and unable to move. pinned to the couch. with her eyes wide open the ceiling began to turn into darkness. she could no longer pinpoint her surroundings in her aunts house because everything became dark.

"jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus"

she arose and sat there puzzled as to what was the dream and what was reality.




.........
dream 2
i don't dream. well i probably do, but it takes a lot for me to actually rememeber what happened in my dream. as the day progresses i can see or hear things that will trigger my memory...and i will say ...."that was in my dream". everything is always fragmented. i can count the number of dreams i have remembered in my lifetime.

all i remember is that kanye and diddy threw me a surprise party.
(no segue)
it was an outer body experience because i watched the blood spread on my wife beater. i was shot. my perspective switched because i saw that i was shot in the back also. i then watched my body fall backwards.

i woke up staring at the ceiling fan. the atmosphere was not right. i didn't want to move too much. the vibe in the bedroom was eerie. i looked around....prepared to see someone or something. i am good for seeing images that aren't there...and i know that they aren't there...but they are so real and vivid to me and my eyes. i looked out the window prepared to see anything walk by. it was wrong in there. i just prayed that God would allow me to escape and return back to sleep. the weird thing was that i wasn't trippin. i watch NO violence. i am so sensitive to the imagery that i take in. so the two dreams i have ever had with other people getting shot have really effected me. and last nite, i watched myself die(?)....nah i dunno that i died but i watched myself get shot and i wasn't trippin. i was cool. i woke up with a peace. but the air around me was wrong.

we both dreamed of our deaths.
and i don't dream....

hmmm....

asha bandele checked me....and i'm appreciative....wow.

.....getta load of this.....

Pam-

Thank you for all your kind words, and yes, that does sound like my wild
beautiful Aries girl. She must have seen something in you. About Essence,
I left the magazine about a year and a half ago to pursue a fellowship at
Columbia. Since then there have been great changes in leadership, not the least of
which is the magazine's sale to Time, Inc. They also have a new editor in chief.
It's a hard moment to try to read where things are going and the best way to
introduce yourself. On the one hand i would imagine that a new editor in
chief will make tremendous changes to the staff and likely bring in people she
knows who can shore her up in what I would imagine is a challenging time
for her. On the other hand, because there will likely be changes, maybe they are
looking for fresh, new talent. My best advice would be to reach out
to--and stay connected to--the human resource department at Essence, which is headed by a lovely woman named Judy Jackson. Please let her know I referred you. Ms. Jackson and I sort of passed each other--she arriving and me leaving in the same month or so. But all my interactions with her were warm, smart and
satisfying. One last thing I would add Pam--and I say this certainly not knowing your
talent. Before reaching out to Essence, which remains the premier
lifestyle magazine for Black women, make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Make sure when you show up, you show up ready. I didn't go to Essence until I had
been publishing with magazines for 10 years, had a master's degree and written 2
books. Even still, there was a great learning curve. I don't say this to
discourage you from applying, but to make sure when you step up, you know
you're stepping up with some tremendous talent--and competition. I hope that
makes sense and doesn't come across as harsh. I don't mean it to. I just always
want to remind the beautiful and talented young folks who are poised to take
over industries across this country, that it means something to pay your dues;
it means something to wait for your moment, to earn it; and that it means
something to be prepared. That, at least, was my experience and the road I took.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Be well,

asha bandele

colorful naked ice cream!

lets start this off with a sidenote....in about 2 weeks...all baskin robbins in the atlanta metropolitan area (ITP...inside the perimeter).....will post a sign saying "DO NOT SERVE THIS WOMAN!" with my picture beside the text. and its crazy...cuz i am not EVEN acting up. i figure that it may be in these folks culture to get so aggressive with customers...i dunno.

so yea....on my birthday i got yelled at for requesting two flavors in one scoop.

a week prior to that i got replied to recklessly when i commented on how the baskin robbins was short of 31 flavors, and asked if i could get a discount on my purchase since i was not satisfied with the flavor that i was forced to order....(right like someone had a gun to my head)

YESTERDAY...we voluntarily walked into hell yet again. only because its 1.00 scoop tuesdays. am i ignorant for asking if two scoops are two dollars? i mean thats nothing short of logical in my mind. "NOOOOOOO...2 scoops is the regular price. you can only get one scoop for one dollar!" i have been yelled at 3 times in the past two weeks. only 3 times though. no one else has raised their voice at me.

"okay well i will walk out...sit in my car...eat this scoop....and return once i have finished and am ready for my second DOLLAR scoop." ....nia harris.

lesson to learn? either stop eating so much damn ice cream. OR holla at jakes...cold stone....smoothie king....bruesters....i need to find a black owned ice cream shop....where is the water ice youngin from clark?.....well, somethings gotta change.

who's with me? the revolution against lame ass baskin robbins begins today! spread the word.

okay....let me tap into non spiteful pam....tapping....tapping....well....she'll surface eventually.....

i JUST got an email about styling for a nude shoot. now i think that i am imaginative...exploratory...and down right creative when it comes to styling and this has NEVER crossed my mind. this shows me how high i place clothes. this is so exciting for me. extremely challenging. this will completely turn my thinking pattern upside down. i mean, hmmmm....hmmmmm! i think body art is going to be involved. i dunno why i just said that. nothing in the email said anything about body art. which do i value more? the woman's body or color? i have a strong attraction to both. and to eliminate one completely.....

wow. i have to think differently and i am excited.

.....

quote of the day...

i come to art to be seduced, i come with a desire to be moved. so go ahead move me, please go ahead and try to seduce me.

~hollywood africans....

the 22 year old pam

praise God for another year.
oddly enough i feel like a great deal of my growth in the past year occured when is 21 and 363 days old. funny right.


i woke up to a text message from brazil. "good morning pam, go to church because you can. have a good day"

i rose out of the bed and it was almost as though people then got a memo that i was awake because my phone began to ring like crazy. i decided to let some calls go to voicemail and to actually answer others.

"good morrrrrrrningggggg"
chuckle..."hey pam. how are today?"
"i'm goooooooodddd, how are youuuuuuuuuu?"
"i'm good. ur in a good mood today"
"why yes i am."
pause
silence
"ummmm, chico?"
"wassup?"
"uh uh, say it"
pause " say what?"
" oh HELL NO....SAY IT"
"pam what is the matter with you? say what?"
"chico today is my birthday, i have someone on the other line i have to go"
"dfajkfjakjfdkajkfdjlkjadkljaf blah blah blah blah blah blah it IS your birthday blah blah blah fksajfkdajjlajdfkjfkldjalkdjfl Happy Birthday blah blah blah"
"bye chico"

i clicked over and continued to speak with chantae. smile...he is an ex. purposefully.

anyway i got myself together...decided that i wanted to feel cool at church. i wore a white tee, my huge jeans ripped in the knee, a small green and yellow hoodie, and pink slippers. yeah i felt cool. lol...i am so lame because i am so serious.



so God granted me with two personal gifts. one being the photo shoot that i ROCKED the day before. first real paid styling job. well second, but this one was big. booyaw grandma. second gift, the message at church.

man matthew 6:25-34 read it kids. read it and be comforted. i felt like the only person in the congregation. the words were pertaining to me so personally and relating to thoughts that i had been meditating on the past couple days...it was awesome!

went in the parking lot only to see a number of balloons and candy strewn on my car. oh pink jacket lipstick wearers...u girls rock.

proceeded to go to the atlanta art expo by myself. white people kill me. i was one of the youngest and among the few brown people there. "oh my heavens i LOVE your hair, its just so....so....free". shut ur face.

left there and headed back to my car. this guy approaches me....attractive, cute lil style..."sis, i just had to approach you....your hair" STOP. ok sir u shut ur face too.

met with nia at milan's. we went to borders. she did homework. i read more of the alchemist aka my personal diary and went through all the fashion mags. more ideas for MY SHOOT ON SATURDAY. smile. left borders...
"i knew i recognized that hair"
and it was cameron, the one white boy i went on a date with. sigh. yea.

i then got yelled at at baskin robbins for asking to split two flavors in one scoop. i was tickled and offended all at the same time, left promptly.

milan nia eb and i went to piedmont to skateboard. fun fun fun. we skateboarded and took pictures. we even met torie. he tried to teach my tricks. torie and tierra, some of the cutest kids ever. they were so friendly and kind.

"do you have dreads or is your hair just loose?"
"loose"
"hmmmm....oh"

we walked from piedmont to that thai place across from apre diem. nice.
this was by far the most low key birthday i have ever had in this city....in the last 4 years. i LOVED it. i had no expectations and everything was so simple. just enjoying the people i love.

i ended my day with a text message from brazil...happy birthday pam, i love you.

thank you God for clarity and confirmation. thanks for my gifts also....all of them.

to the stranger i knew...

my heart is heavy. my heart is heavy for someone that i did not know. i only saw her in passing when i was cosby groupie, and lingered on that side of campus. i knew her name before i knew her face. i liked her name. her name sounded smart to me. and then finally some point in time came where i was able to put two in two together.

ohhhhhhhh thats her? i've BEEN seen her...

i used to watch and observe her whenever we crossed paths. she was so tall and slim. i wondered if i carried myself like her. we had similiar builds, and i admired the way walked. head held high, natural poise, and a sensuality that was embedded in her hips. i liked that, and i wanted to be like her.

perhaps she noticded me watching her, because she always made it a point to acknowledge my presence. it was cool feeling like i knew her, even though i really only knew her name and her awesome stride.

nothing is promised. NOTHING IS PROMISED. fear nothing. love everyday. sacrifice everyday. dance everyday. laugh everday. speak in truth everyday. work with purpose everyday. touch everday. remember everyday. cherish everyday.

my heart and my prayers go out to her family, friends, and spelman college.
r.i.p. nikia bazemore

i was a still model...and it was wak.

so i'm sitting in this gold chair...at the top of the escalator. when people finally reach their level, coming off the escalator, i am the first thing they see. i say thing because i was a mannequin.

when i was a little girl i really wanted to be a still model. it was rare when i would see them in store windows, but when i did i was captivated. i guess it was as simple as me not being able to fathom being still for such a long time. i suppose i still, at 21, can't really fathom being still for such a long time. smile..."gettin still", as mom puts it, has really been a lifetime mission for me thus far.

day is a makeup artist for mac. she thought i was fun to be around and would serve as a great candidate for her live still show to promote mac's fall line. i don't care to model...just cuz i don't think ima great model...BUT day was good people and i didn't mind doing her a favor.

it was mandetory that we wore black. with silver accessories. "you know i want you guys to look HOT, like you're going to the club". well i don't look HOT (in a conventional short skirt, tight shirt kinda way) even when i do go to the club, so i knew that was gonna be a lost cause. i was silent after she made that comment. she proceeded to say "well pam, you're my funky girl, and you're a stylist. wear what u want" cool. that i could do.

as i walked into the store i was told to go upstairs to get prepped for my makeup. the second i reached the top of the escalator i was staring at this absolutely beautiful woman, in a startaling kind of way, that was motionless. i kept glancing at her nervously. i had no idea if she was real or fake. as i walked past her i kept taking quick glances at her to see if she had made any sudden movements. none. i was perplexed.

day saw me, and ran up to me. "awww pam, i knew you wouldn't fail me".

the models were beautiful women. i mean, really beautiful women, in a flawless kinda way. i kind of just laid low, and acknowledged everyone with a warm persona. the models were nice. day is the homey! she introduced me as "a wonderful stylist, just doing me a favor". thanks day. when the girls kept going on about how they thought i was a professional model signed with an agency, i really couldn't take them serious.

couldn't take them serious at all.

so i got made up...and really look d like i needed to be on someone's stage playing a role of a fantasy creature. i smiled, nodded, and asked what to do next. i was placed on this display with two other models. they weren't moving. dammit. i was told to get into a fun pose, and hold it. the girl threw my leg over the side of the chair, told me to arch my back, relax my hand in a "boogie tea time" kinda way....anndddddd hold it. jesus.

the deejay directly in front of us was playin tribe,ollllllddddd tribe, and then mixed right into common's "go". and ur telling me to HOLD IT. sigh....but i wanna dannnnceeeeee.

i held it. i was then guided off the display and escorted to the golden chair. you know, the one at the top of the escalator. i really didn't wanna be there. too much pressure. i mean people were really dissecting you. i picked a comfortable position and got still.

people literally waved their hands in my face...and i would ask them to stop. OH SHIT SHE IS REAL. i scared the hell out of so many people it was ridiculous. when people stared from a distance, i was cool. distance being a measly 5 feet. anything closer...i got so uncomfortable i would have to move. the few times i blinked and people caught me, they would act all melodramatic like they were in the beginning stages of a heart attack. it was soooooooooo wak.

and then the spelman squad came and spoke directly in front of me. no mind you, none of them were paying me too much mind, so they assumed i was a mannequin. these young ladies were incoming freshwomen. they were talking about their classes, getting dorm keys...and then i heard the three words

a

d

w.

i tried to warn them speaking quietly and quickly "don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed, i went to spelman!"

yeah, bad move. after jumping back and then busting out laughing those girls were genuinely tickled. i felt so wak. like i couldn't engage in conversations, just could take them in. an outsider. maybe some homeless people feel like that...invisible. wak.

well for a moment i felt like royalty sitting in that gold chair. all the young ladies were my kingdom hanging onto my every word. i am excited for every single one of them. "did u do fashion at spelman?" retrack, not so excited for her...she hasn't read the course major offerings list too closely.

at any rate....i actually lived one of my childhood dreams. sigh...well, now i know.

in conclusion...still models and some homeless people are one in the same.