therapy...finding my delight.

tonight.
i sat on my stoop to eat dinner.
a cat welcomed himself to join me.
at first i was angry at him and
told him to leave.
then he laid down.
so i then decided to not be angry,
and chose to be nice.
he sat at the bottom.
and i sat at the top.

he left.
and i tried to meditate.
well, actually, i had tried earlier, but my phone rang.
i was relieved + and answered it.
we hung up.
the had cat left.
so i tried again.

breathing is such a gift.
time moves when i get still.

i'm always proud of myself
when i take time to listen to myself.

i then came upstairs and did this.
















i like it.

shep!

yesterday i was remarkably transparent.

today i was difficult to read.

similar crowd. no drastic change of environment.

....

he used to tell me

"you're consistently inconsistent"

back then, i honestly believed that i had masterfully set aside all of my good JUST for him.

wanting to be both perfectly supportive and cute at all times.


looking back, i can only come to two conclusions:

1. i was so disconnected from my insides that i didn't recognize disappointment from adoration.

or

2. he was a soothsayer...

........
(mumbling)
or maybe its #3...
i was young and open.
and he got me for who i was.
who i am.
who i was.
who i am.
........

it continues...

it ALWAYS continues.

it all counts.

its all very tricky
when you are not paying attention.

when woven into the lives of those
around you...it can sometimes feel
as though what's theirs is yours.

...not the case.

the confusion is understandable.
the confusion is a nuisance.

what's mine is mine.
i take that to bed with me at night.
what's theirs is theirs.
they wake up with that in the morning.

the web is only tangled if we mistake
where the lines cross.

.....

my anxiety is low.
my persistence is high.

i'd be a fool to not pay attention

she said, loud and clear,

"do not work from a needy place.

it's desperate.

and when you really trust in your work,

you don't behave desperately."

....

ashe + amen.

e-pen pals

cool hunter introduced me to this guy.

everyone, meet pedro.
my new e-pal that lives in portugal.

after spending lots of time on his website,
i put together a collage for my design lovers
and sent out his work.

"who's heard of this guy?...he's mine!'

before leaving the house, i decided to send him an email
telling him how connected i felt to his work...and how
much i enjoyed that feeling.

i went out...got clothes...and returned to an email
that read:

Thank you so much, that words means a lot to me.
I knew your work/ website before, so its a really nice surprise your email.

Could i ask you something, how is to live in NY?

Thank you,
Pedro

whaaaa?
so of course i got extremely emotional and hyper.
i love that there are communities of folks that see one
another.

even when its hard to see...i will always have somebody.
somewhere.
that is a gift.

....

-the end.

rich (or lame) beautiful men

(titled by sunflower face)

lets talk about it
........

8:19 wasn't extremely late for our 8:00 date.
while walking up the steps to his building, i gazed
out past the holland tunnel exit, looking at the
river. pretty. he opened the door, grabbed me,
led me into the elevator, and pushed 2.

on the other side of the elevator door was a
real door. we stood in the elevator as he
got out his keys to unlock it. after exiting the
elevator shaft and entering his home
i stopped dead in my tracks. sounds funny, but
my first thoughts were
"wow..this is a mansion"...a mansion of
an apartment. i had a strong urge to politely
excuse myself...purchase an evening gown from
a nearby store....and quickly return with proper
attire.

i can't begin to imagine the square footage...i choose
to believe that this is a space where movies are filmed.
everything was so surreal...i felt like i was on a set.
it was a huge open space that housed a kitchen,
dining room, lounge area, and a sitting space.
with flat screens, amazing light fixtures,
plush couches, smart tables, massive paintings, huge
bay windows along the periphery of the room, and
stately statues strategically strewn about. my eyes became
intoxicated. i was amazed by how well arranged
and cohesive all the elements in his home came together.
well done.

without having to pee, i requested the whereabouts of the
bathroom. i just wanted to see the back of the palace...
the bathroom resembled the second bedroom in my apartment.


"welcome pamela"

i smiled, took off my shoes, and shimmyed
into the kitchen. as i sat cross-legged in
a throne (literally) across the room, i watched
him prepare our salmon. he's a
beautiful man...early thirties...stable
in his career...and genuinely into me.

none of this is new...we met last summer
and attempted to date. after i faded, so
did our communication. due to a recent inadvertent
reunion here we are a year
later...in a "mansion"...trying again.

.....

"enough about me..tell me more about you"

"i don't wanna go alone, i want to go with you!"

"i was signed...i modeled for years. you didn't know that?"

"high five for being so pretty"

"well...you do know that i play semi-pro right?"

"i tell my co-worker all the time, 'you should really think like me'"

"soooo what happened to us?"

"i mean really...i stand out as a leader in that group"

"i drive a saab, you've been in it right?"

"oh...women approach me all the time"

"do whatever you want in here, my space in your space"

"you are so young, and you have so much wisdom.."

"at this rate, i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have a kid before
i get married"

...........



thrones or not.

i can't.

...........

mom: you are so judgemental...you can't judge someone off the first date pamela.

quiet, irritated, inside voice pam: ...is it safe to judge him after the 10th date that
took place over the span of an entire year?

mom: you hear me talkin to you?

me: yup. i hear you. there is a backstory. i'll share it another day.

mom: no you won't.

she's probably right about that.

........

sigh.

my foresight is ill...

...i just KNEW that this was perfectly fine for a ten year old.

behind the scenes from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

yes yes...the song is problematic for a million + one reasons.
wanna know what else is problematic for a million + one reasons?

nike.
mcdonalds fries.
greygoose.
rich, beautiful men.
pollution.
dirty fingernails.
gossip goons.

...glad we covered that.

this video is gawgeous!

Kid Cudi - New Music - More Music Videos

oh me. oh my.

little dragon from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

revelation of the moment

i am not a workaholic.

...i just don't have an amazing work ethic.



the work just comes...it simply happens.

chance favors the prepared mind...luck is being prepared for an opportunity.

blah blah blah.

working on my discipline.

hello, i am a stylist.

a blue yawn

good morning buttercup.






no, no, you mean goodnight ladybug.




either one, both are good.

reunited.

i sat at the table doing everything in my power to not stare. stirred the sugar at the bottom of my drink, initiated conversations on instant messenger, added some arbitrary tasks to my "to do" list...i tried very hard to appear busy. he had already caught me looking at him twice, and i was feeling embarrassed. for some reason that i couldn't pinpoint back then, i chose not to rush out with my belongings and a bowed head. i stayed put.

moments later, i realized that he was working with his back towards me. as he prepared lattes, i happily watched him move. the swiftness of his turning around caught me off guard. i had no time to look away. as our eyes met a third time, i began to feel sensations. i had to speak.

"okay. hi. my name is pam, and i know i keep looking at you, and that's weird. i don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable,(pause) but you are perfectly beautiful. you are making me feel a certain way...and its not romantic or sexual...just really really good. i feel good looking at you."

pause

"okay. out of all the things i imagined you, or me, saying...this was not it. wow. wowwwww."

pause

"i know. its random. but i felt like had to speak. i feel really drawn to you...i feel crazy for saying this, but its like i know that you're good and about good things."

"i'm honored. truly. this is such a huge compliment."

"can we be in touch? i'm assisting as a stylist, and i am starting to work on my portfolio. i think it would be awesome to work with you. i feel so much when i see you"

"the funny thing is, i am very uncomfortable having my picture taken. i just finished interning at fader magazine, and they asked me to pose for some stuff, and it was kind of hard for me to do. but, i will give you my info, and we can talk about it. i'll try my best"

a week later we shot.
it is still one of my favorite projects.



we spent close to every day and night together for the next eleven months.
he yelled at me for still living in atlanta and not moving to ny to
seriously start pursuing my work. we look at one another now and comment on how much we've aged and ascended into new people. even with distance and over time, our spirits still speak clearly with one another.

......

four years later, i now know to never question what is sensational.

if i feel it...then it is good.
forever & always.

two weeks

temporarily lost my blackberry, broke up fights, went deaf in my right ear, glimpsed a potential car accident, inhaled salt water, suffered from sunburn, was diagnosed with swimmer's ear, shaved a chunk of skin out of my ankle, misplaced my atm card and id, had an emergency doctor's visit, listened to michael's funeral, argued with my father, paid $188 to rent a car for a day, lost my favorite sunglasses, watched stef lose her flip flops to the ocean, listened to my mother complain about how i make her tired.

it was a perfect two weeks.

mini and major me

l

o

v

e

previous responses:

january 9, 2008

i live for color and capturing moments.
documenting life through photos and or words excites me.
creating a marriage between text and a photo...
and telling a cohesive story is allll i want to do.

........

Everything I do has to come from an honest place, not to just sound good.
I know the power of art and I hate that it is wasted on empty messages
when so many people need the therapy that music can offer. I feel fulfillment
when I can capture a moment, or an idea, or an emotion in words.

......

self contentment and still having the ability to produce...my motive is the passion.
it feels good getting paid for doing something you love...and even you don't
break even...at least you got your name out there a little more.

........

I feel like I finally just found peace with WHO I am... now it's about fig. out
what I'm supposed to do. FASHION has always been a given since I can remember...
I live for life's ideals, life's luxuries, beauty in every form-
art/dance/color/sound/people/the unknown/the unusual.. I've always seen
fashion as this global entity that I wanted to be a part of...

........

in turn, the children inspire me to be patient, humble, innovative, and understanding.
they force me to be better as a child would be for their parents. i am reminded daily
that if i am not at my best, they are not at their best.

......

many are called, but few are chosen.

oh yea...

1. i was a brown child, and i now remember why.

2. i forgot how much i hate peeing while wearing a bathing suit.

3. spf on your lips help.

4. butterflies are harmless, spastic, but harmless.

5. let your body lead, and your feet follow

6. follow through is everything

7. board games are supposed to be a good time.

8. singing and giggling simultaneously is most fun.

9. handstands under water are far easier than headstands out of water.

10. joaning never gets old.

.......

14 y/o him: "yea, but she is like in her twenties right?"

moi: "yup."

14 y/o him: "oh okay, so she is married right?"

moi: "nope."

14 y/o him: "oh. that's weird."

moi: "is it? i'm in my twenties and not married."

14 y/o him: "yea...but you're like, busy."

two old men on the bus

"son...its crazy...everyone is dyin"
"yea. i mean if you think about it, there is only one 'four top' left"
"luther..."
"gone"
"james..."
"gone"
"isaac hayes"
"yea, he gone too"
"son, son, that funeral is gonna be crazy"
"CRAZY SON"
"like, how much are seats gonna be to sit at the funeral?"
"son, i know they're already like sold out"
"i mean they HAVE to be...he had fans in...london"
"i know right, london. and france. and paris"
"all over!"
"but you know what"
"what?"
"farrah aint get no love forreal"
"i mean who would? its mike! its MIKE SON...he like, was cool with the queen"
"true, he sure was cool with the queen"
.....

i walked down from 42nd to 14th listening to my sister speak on the phone
about how michael was a big part of the household before i was born.
today mom said that he was eccentric, but obviously had a core of love.

...i giggled because i just read the other day
"if you have money, we call you eccentric...if you're broke, we call you crazy"

sorry, this hasn't shaped up to be the tribute that i was aiming for.

as a little girl, i adored michael. he was a shimmering light that
never stopped beaming. (literally)

i trust that it still won't stop.

black girls...

it

is

okay

to

smile

back.




(encouraged even)

so clear.

1. i create work for me. its greatly selfish. if i don't like it, then i don't care to show the world.

2. listen.

3. i rarely alter myself for different people. i am who i am.

4. if it makes no sense to me, then i don't assume that anyone else will understand.

5. i am serious.

saturday night.1

Hi from Multitouch Barcelona on Vimeo.

super.

jenny holzer: truisms.

some of my favorites.



you owe the world not the other way around

using force to stop force is absurd

true freedom is frightful

teasing people sexually can have ugly consequences

strong emotional attachment stems from basic insecurity

spending too much time on self-improvement is antisocial

romantic love was invented to manipulate women

redistributing wealth is imperative

raise boys and girls the same way

people are responsible for what they do unless they are insane

people are nuts if they think they are important

nothing upsets the balance of good and evil

mostly you should mind your own business

leisure time is a gigantic smoke screen

knowing yourself lets you understand others

it's crucial to have an active fantasy life

it's better to be naive than jaded

in some instances it's better to die than to continue

if you have many desires your life will be interesting

if you can't leave your mark give up

....
more to come +++

eyes + ears meet.

...and i know that i can always work on my humility...

but i never think of myself as "just a little person"

hmmm...



jon brion ROCKS MY world (consistently)

synecdoche, new york. the movie.

(sung by deanna storey)

this just in

art and commerce's divorce rates are at an all time high.

not for me.

nope, not for me.

uh uh.

i'm dedicated to the boo and his (or her...depending on the day) bank account.

committed. for better or worse.

beacon of light.

http://www.myspace.com/tionamproductions


i don't recall how exactly we met...i just know that someone told me to find her.

...actually, many people said that she would serve as the perfect candidate.

at the time, i was looking for subjects for my documentary about how sexism affected the artwork that women produced.

a filmmaker would have served as a perfect addition.

she was 22 years old...and the direction that was moving in was blaring.

up. way up.

....
her dedication, wisdom, proficiency, and security inspires me greatly.

this documentary is a MUST see.

"black./womyn." 3min excerpt from tiona.m. on Vimeo.

support.

never. again.

i do believe in tapping out...and sometimes choosing not to be present.

escaping can be necessary.

and healthy.

......

friday 2am - saturday 8am was an imaginary block of time.

...i can only imagine.


perhaps i flew to rome with the rainbow wings growing out of my back.

or maybe i sat indian style on a cushy shag carpet.

then again, i could have been finger painting with molasses.


i'm not too sure.

friday 2am - saturday 8am was neither necessary nor healthy.

i can't even confirm my misery.

i'm just certain that saturday at 8:01am didn't feel so good.

my immediate surroundings were unfamiliar.

...and stained.

frightening.


......


water is a superhero.

it both cleans and purifies.

it equally meets the needs of both a shell and its interior.

amazing right?!

it just pushes the bad guys out of the way.

and you know what else?

its tricky and trippy.

....it can be a solid, liquid, or gas.


my new nickname is SPLASHY.

please address me as such.

fashion is perverse. he said.

go pam gooooooooooo. further. higher. lift that leg...and now the other. fly. because you can.

.......

the year that i was born is when he was assisting for french and italian vogue.

"i am a photographer, that can shoot fashion. i never aimed to be a fashion photographer. i am trained, i am creative, and i am good."

he is. good at least.


"juergen and i often talk about the proper formula for becoming successful. the answer is that there is none. although i will say, partnerships help. venetia changed
his life"

i propped myself in the windowsill of his 22nd floor apartment. he walked over to close the window, explaining that it makes him nervous when women sit so high up next to open air.

"pamela, its been a very long time. you look different. last time i saw you, i was still with my girlfriend. ugh, that woman. soooooo long ago"

he asks that i wait for a moment while he finishes tinkering with the images projecting over his two massive monitors. i sit and look at the table filled with the comp cards of prepubescent models. his two packs of cigarettes. his stark white sheets. his bookshelf filled with equipment. his shiny hardwood floors.

"i'm so tired of this. i am not this young generation, and i will not pretend that i am. i can't just shoot any old thing. i am tired of shooting these young girls that haven't yet lived and can't convey life experience. there are few that i believe. ...sure i have crushes on them, big crushes..but that's physical, it has nothing to do with my work. "

silence

"my two biggest advertising clients went bankrupt. my major parisian magazine that i worked for has a new editor-in-chief, and she is bringing in her own teams of people. work that has sustained me for years has now collapsed. i have no clue how to move backwards and start over. i don't even remember what the beginning looks like."

silence

"when i saw your email and you said that you want your images to provoke a deeper conversation...those words struck a chord with me. i am so done with this industry. i just want to create good work...and not be alienated because its not some baby girl
that has no tits looking drunk under a high flash"

i said "word. so moving forward what are we shooting?"

"get clothes. and let's make a story. i'll get us a believable model. and she will know how to speak english...or at least french. jesus, i love the look of the russians, but if i get sent another girl that can't utter her name i will pass out. and no egos. i am so tired of all these insecure crazies. i am not using that german girl for hair again...i could care less if you styled for the last miu miu show. these people are so stupid. so yes. you get clothes and that's from where we will move forward."

"sounds good to me"

"but wait. question pamela..."

"yes?"

"what is your background?"

"ummm, in regards to what?"

"where are you from?"

laughing. "oh. well my parents are from north carolina" laughing harder "i am from maryland"

"oh. ...you're just american, american"

"yup...that's just what i am. i suppose i am so much so that you have to say it twice"

he laughed. kissed my cheeks. and watched me walk down the hall.

margiela + louboutin...for work.

"my life isn't lavish...

and i am not in the business

of pretending that it is"

- pamela shepard

....


i am comfortable. (for now)

middle ground.

he said: because i love old new york. people were so hungry, and everything was much less contrived.

i said: what is that about? it's crazy you're saying this, because i have had this reoccurring thought this past week. we're always trying to recreate the past...we want stuff to resemble how things once were. we all do it all the time.

he said: hmmmm

i said: like the stevie wonder party, everyone talks about how much better it was last year. and the year before that. and the year before that. we are always comparing to how things were before. complaining because everything was so much better back then. WAS IT SO MUCH BETTER? i dunno...

he said: i think the future is scary.

i said: hmmmm

he said: there is something wholesome about the past. we can identify with it because we have lived it.

........

... from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

that jumpsuit.

Judy Holliday (June 21, 1921 – June 7, 1965) was a Jewish-American Academy- and Tony Award-winning actress best known for the screwball comedy Born Yesterday and other films. She had a distinctive and endearing New York accent and persona. In 1952, she was called to testify before the Senate Internal Security Subcommittee to "explain" why her name had been linked to Communist front organizations. In spite of her 172 IQ,[2] she was advised to play dumb (like some of her film characters) and did so.[citation needed] She used this technique to avoid giving up names of people she knew to be Communists. Holliday experienced blacklisting during the anti-communist witchhunts of the 1950s and died of cancer in 1965 at the relatively young age of 43.

"You have to be smart to play a dumb blonde over and over and keep the audience's attention without extraordinary physical equipment."



brilliant film.
folks used to write + folks used to act.

........
*it's amazing what black and white films teach you about color.

precious.

"so how did you and uncle joe meet?"

..."girl, in the club. its not there anymore, but
we met at tremors in north raleigh"

"this is getting redundant...i have been here 4 days, and you are the
3rd person to talk about meeting her husband in the club.
hilarious.."

"girl yea. i met my man dancin. and you know what else??"

"what?"

"i knew that he would be my husband that very night. i told my girlfriend"

...

we sat on the porch as she smoked. my aunt wilma. hails from puerto rico
with her baby face, wide eyes, friendly smile, and wavy, grey streaked hair.

...she's cute, i too would have noticed her in a crowd.
...


my folks are my friends.






.....

eb wanted me to come to adam's morgan.

milan wanted me to meet her for happy hour.

mom and dad invited me to run to cvs, return the movie to redbox, grab water ice, and CRUISE.


now you tell me how my night unfolded.

quimby the jerk.

Quimby The Mouse from This American Life on Vimeo.

i kind of hate him.

my folk.

:) from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

..from a distance...

when you meet someone that

a. doesn't let you slip away after you begin to squirm

b. speaks honest intentions from day 1

c. shares your thoughts

d. pushes you to produce

love them HARD.
...not just because they are loving you,
but because they simply deserve it.

we started over a year ago.
...and we are still progressively getting better.

i have so much control.

1. don't chase the money.




2. understand that your work isn't for everybody.




3. if the project doesn't resonate with you, don't do it.



4. only showcase the work that you believe is worthy of an award.

tonight was so sexy.

i strolled out of my house to make the
9:00pm yoga class.










the teacher ended class
saying "ummm, that was delicious"

speaking of holy...

today ryan was baptized.

..and not baptized like aunt pam at 7:
7am "mom, i think i wanna be baptized today."

"really pam? why?"

"ummm, its just time" (signal #1 the child is shuckin and jivin, the vague, deep, but not deep at all response)

pause. pause. pause. "well, we'll see how you feel in service"

"yup, i'm doin it"

little pam, goes to church, and sleeps the entire service.

end of service.

mom rubbing me on my back.

"ummm, pam. its call to worship. but i don't think you're..."

"oh no mom. i'm going"

wipe the sleep out of my eyes, hop up. walk down from the balcony.

march to the front. join church.

so sad. i should be really embarrassed by that story.

ryan, on the other hand, is 15. as he told me this morning
"i am a mid-teen. its rough here. i'm not a kid, and i'm not grown."

he's right...he is exiting childhood and growing up.
thinking independently. moving in his own time. and making decisions
for himself.

....
wanna see/hear/feel some more religion?

When I Grow Up from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

i BELIEVE in her.

dey

.