i was a still model...and it was wak.

so i'm sitting in this gold chair...at the top of the escalator. when people finally reach their level, coming off the escalator, i am the first thing they see. i say thing because i was a mannequin.

when i was a little girl i really wanted to be a still model. it was rare when i would see them in store windows, but when i did i was captivated. i guess it was as simple as me not being able to fathom being still for such a long time. i suppose i still, at 21, can't really fathom being still for such a long time. smile..."gettin still", as mom puts it, has really been a lifetime mission for me thus far.

day is a makeup artist for mac. she thought i was fun to be around and would serve as a great candidate for her live still show to promote mac's fall line. i don't care to model...just cuz i don't think ima great model...BUT day was good people and i didn't mind doing her a favor.

it was mandetory that we wore black. with silver accessories. "you know i want you guys to look HOT, like you're going to the club". well i don't look HOT (in a conventional short skirt, tight shirt kinda way) even when i do go to the club, so i knew that was gonna be a lost cause. i was silent after she made that comment. she proceeded to say "well pam, you're my funky girl, and you're a stylist. wear what u want" cool. that i could do.

as i walked into the store i was told to go upstairs to get prepped for my makeup. the second i reached the top of the escalator i was staring at this absolutely beautiful woman, in a startaling kind of way, that was motionless. i kept glancing at her nervously. i had no idea if she was real or fake. as i walked past her i kept taking quick glances at her to see if she had made any sudden movements. none. i was perplexed.

day saw me, and ran up to me. "awww pam, i knew you wouldn't fail me".

the models were beautiful women. i mean, really beautiful women, in a flawless kinda way. i kind of just laid low, and acknowledged everyone with a warm persona. the models were nice. day is the homey! she introduced me as "a wonderful stylist, just doing me a favor". thanks day. when the girls kept going on about how they thought i was a professional model signed with an agency, i really couldn't take them serious.

couldn't take them serious at all.

so i got made up...and really look d like i needed to be on someone's stage playing a role of a fantasy creature. i smiled, nodded, and asked what to do next. i was placed on this display with two other models. they weren't moving. dammit. i was told to get into a fun pose, and hold it. the girl threw my leg over the side of the chair, told me to arch my back, relax my hand in a "boogie tea time" kinda way....anndddddd hold it. jesus.

the deejay directly in front of us was playin tribe,ollllllddddd tribe, and then mixed right into common's "go". and ur telling me to HOLD IT. sigh....but i wanna dannnnceeeeee.

i held it. i was then guided off the display and escorted to the golden chair. you know, the one at the top of the escalator. i really didn't wanna be there. too much pressure. i mean people were really dissecting you. i picked a comfortable position and got still.

people literally waved their hands in my face...and i would ask them to stop. OH SHIT SHE IS REAL. i scared the hell out of so many people it was ridiculous. when people stared from a distance, i was cool. distance being a measly 5 feet. anything closer...i got so uncomfortable i would have to move. the few times i blinked and people caught me, they would act all melodramatic like they were in the beginning stages of a heart attack. it was soooooooooo wak.

and then the spelman squad came and spoke directly in front of me. no mind you, none of them were paying me too much mind, so they assumed i was a mannequin. these young ladies were incoming freshwomen. they were talking about their classes, getting dorm keys...and then i heard the three words

a

d

w.

i tried to warn them speaking quietly and quickly "don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed, don't be alarmed, i went to spelman!"

yeah, bad move. after jumping back and then busting out laughing those girls were genuinely tickled. i felt so wak. like i couldn't engage in conversations, just could take them in. an outsider. maybe some homeless people feel like that...invisible. wak.

well for a moment i felt like royalty sitting in that gold chair. all the young ladies were my kingdom hanging onto my every word. i am excited for every single one of them. "did u do fashion at spelman?" retrack, not so excited for her...she hasn't read the course major offerings list too closely.

at any rate....i actually lived one of my childhood dreams. sigh...well, now i know.

in conclusion...still models and some homeless people are one in the same.

the Mrs.

praise be to God from whom all blessings flow.

ladies and gentlemen...i would like to introduce you to mr. and mrs. broughton. the young girl went ahead and did the damn thing! fa sho! mannnn kids, i can't even express how proud i am of my sister. this journey up until this moment has not been a walk in the park. robin has really displayed serious patience. dude, its evident at this point that the first person she honored was God, and understood that she was to walk the path that She.He had already carved out for her. God is good, and She.He really does reward faithful servants.

how awesome it feels to know that God is proud that you did what you were supposed to do.

robin and david jumped the broom alone. no family. no friends. just some random white woman that conducted the actual ceremony. two years ago when she told me that she was going to elope i walked a thin line serving as her confidant. as the only informed family member, i encouraged her to follow her heart as well as to live in truth with no secrets. as contridicting as it sounded...she heard something in my words (and God's) because she did not get married then. two years ago i felt that she should include the family, because the fabulous 5 (dad, mom, shawn, robin, and i ) have a communal foundation and operate openly. or so i thought. as the younger sister i had to be at her wedding. i had to help plan and be in it.

i
i
i

two years later, it does so much justice for my heart to be genuinely happy for her and not even think about myself. that was stupid...it was HER wedding. it had nothing to do with me at all.

ok God...i am getting it, you don't have it scream it so loudly.

robin nicole shepard broughton. oh you know she is a PhD....has to keep whats her's...shepard.

sand in your toes...a massive body of water beside you....clear skies....my type of wedding.
st. thomas virgin islands...
she looks precious right? well i di help pick out her wedding dress...and had no idea. she had emailed me and asked me my opinion about these 3 styles of dresses. i chose that style because it most complimented her body shape.
u rock girl!
in SO many ways...you rock.

weekend update

i feel kinda weird today.
i am very awake
i am extremely anxious
i am moving pretty slow
damn....its taking me forever to articulate how i feel....

anyway....this weekend was uneventful socially and ultra productive businessly. you know, in a business sense, it was productive.

(warning now...this blog is about to be a tough read)

on friday i went to work. don't remember what came next.....came back to milan's around 11. everyone was sitting around drinking greygoose smoothies...and talking. i wanted to go out, everyone agreed but no one moved. ummmm....yeah, didn't go out friday night. went to bed pretty early actually, 12ish, 1ish.

got up at 9:45 to get ready for my meeting with the model...tatiana terry. i like her name. i don't like her. i got to my 11 oclock meeting at 11:15....damn that mapquest. i felt awful...i despise being late. she's tall, thin, big butt, all proportionate, small breasts, longgggggggggg hair, she aighttttttt. nah, she's cute. just a damn princess.

"well tatiana to show your versatility we'll do 4 looks, 2 commercial, 2 high fashion"

sqeaky, whiny voice...."ummmm, how about 4 high fashion?"
did u hear me dummy? damn. i just looked at her. luckily her mother interjected "no tatiana, u need to show that you're versatile"

i asked her to show me her personal style and what types of clothes she likes. this kid is so new york its crazy. buku chains, the gaudy HUGE belly ring, a belly chain, chains around her neck, bangles on her arms, the baby hoops. ugh. all of her clothes are baby phat, she wears nuthin but sneakers and hoeish stilettos (u know, the ones from rainbow)....i was like
"okay....i think i have a feel for what you like. ummmm, i will work hard to incorporate your style in the shoot" now why the hell did u say that pam? now u gotta actually try.

...rolling my eyes....
AND....well u know my phone is cut off. so i couldn't call before coming. this broad (tatiana terry) repeated 3 times...."we thought u might be lost....pause....we tried to call you". by the third time i was like "yeah, my phone is off". no explanation, nothing. SHUTUP kid. whatta kid....whatta 16 year old kid....from the bronx....ugh, i woulda hated her in high school. i hated ny kids in high school. they always thought they were better then us native marylanders.

jerkwads.

anyway....left there, went to javaology. said my rounds of "hellos". i used to actually sleep, drink, eat, do everything at that spot. my visits have dwindled...so now my time spent in there is more precious. i love those guys!

went to little 5 points. got my swagger...cuz it was time to hustle. first spot...cherry bomb...shot me DOWN. no. unless ur work is going to be in some major magazine...no. okay, i will get at her in 6 months. maybe a year. went to see my man 100 grande, al.
"you are a pretty girl pam"
its weird. i only really get geeked from compliments on beauty when they come from either a gay man or woman. thanks al.
went to fusion...."damn girl, u wearin ur look, u GOTTA be confident with that hair".....okkkkayyyyyyy...dunno how to take that, but cool. long story short, i get clothes to pull if i model for her. whatever...just as long as i get the clothes.

kept it movin to the bazaar just to say hey to some folks. i love black women. sigh.....
long story short....networked for some potential collaborations on shoots, spoke with owner about pulling her clothes...FA SHO....anddddddd got an interested filmaker that needs a stylist for her short film.

badabing....badaboom.

went to milan's. went for a walk from tuner field to grant park. we spoke about this wonderful thing called the universe...and we were silent. my kinda walk. eb came home and cooked for us. we ate. watched runteldat. went to sleep.

got up, went to church. saw JT MONEY!!!!! justin. he kicked it with us after church. went to the patty hut, got some patties and platains. went to my aunties. came back to milans. did some work. kinda watched the vmas. people lacking humility, and just OVERLY prideful/boastful make me tired. jay-z....wow i really enjoy that guy. like, really.

after hours of tossing and turning, my mind finally shut down.

boys boys boys....boys i do adore.....

today is a lost day. about once a month i go thru these lapses where i feel almost like a wanderer. yes i am making things happen. yes i am seein things into fruition. but my hopes and dreams i wish to make happen seem trivial.

okay....

i forced everyone to get out the house at 9pm. i knew that the place was gonna be packed, and yes we were on the list, but it was still first come first serve. and i figured that it was a pretty long list. messing with them meant that we didn't get out the house till 9:30. i'm working on my flexibility so i didn't complain too much. a little complaining is better than a lot.

after about 30 minutes of finding a parking spot, we made it to the club and walked right in.
no person at the door.
no huge crowd hovering near the entrance.
no hot breeze filled with smoke.

"man this party is poppin pam"

ok ok ok. so i messed up. just because everyone i knew was talking about ninth wonder didn't mean that all of atlanta was gonna be there. we sat down for a moment, and then decided that we would leave and return. we strolled down the street to insurrections. i am always entertained when we go into that store as a group. we walked around, looked at the sex toys, engaged in serious discussion about how outdated pornos are in there, how we should get paid doing 2005 pornos catering to every market (gay, lesbian, asian, transexual, straight, middle eastern....u know, everybody). we swiftly moved from section to section, as i picked up a whip milan spoke of how she can never get into bondage because her father has stamped a serious fear of spankings on her heart.

highlight of insurrections? standing at the cash register and speaking with milan who was standing on my left. i took a moment to glance back and check on my girls....only to see a woman in a see thru top and a thong standing to my immediate right. oh my. hello.
i never knew that place had strip shows upstairs.

we continued to stroll down the street to gladys knights chicken and waffles. upon our entering the threshold of the door all eyes were on us. they (milan, eb, and nia) were a bit done up to eat dinner. i myself, simply looked like a soccer mom. and i liked it. my goal before i left the house was to look like a soccer mom.

mission accomplished.
(not a wak one, but a cool soccer mom)

our waiter was a man that i KEEP meeting at random spots. everytime i see him i have to remember where we met before....wendys drive thru, urban outfitters, club, now gladys knights. he is such a cutie. and everytime i look at him, he stares at me. and i say "where do i know you from?" he says "ugh, u never remember." and i say "no i do, really i do, just remind me" and he says "which time? first time was wendys drive thru".

ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah! we laugh together. nice guy. terrell....pharmacy school. he looked out for my friends at the table. i thanked him, told him "until next time" and proceeded on my way.

we returned to djangos only for me to be turned away. "mam u do not have your license and i cannot tell your age from a credit card"

dammit, i rushed everyone out the house only to be the mess up.

i told eb and nia to go in. milan and i walked down crackhead central to get in the back entrance. my man and his compradre at the back door were spittin game to me before i even got close to em. hahah....soccer moms get it too.

"sir, i don't have my license, my friends are in there. i am a grown woman, i am on the list, please let me in...."

he smiles, and ushers me through the door. I LOVE U CARLOS!

we meet up with the girls, get a table, get a waitress, and get ready to....drumroll....SMOKE THE HOOKAH! while we were sitting there we are mingling and cracking jokes. the hookah is there, and good times are ready to roll.

why was the damn hookah broke? ugh man....is this foresight of whats to come tonight?
nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

every single one of us got individual love. i'm seeing people that i used to talk to....old friends....people i've worked with....and who is standing directly behind me? his name is eric.

that would be the original guy that took me skateboarding. we chatted it up. i told him how much i am improving. he asked where i had been, i returned the question. all this to say...yeah, we'll be skateboarding sometime this week.

i still can't get over how much love dudes were giving the soccer mom. this was a night where i picked an outfit to lay low....not so much to stand out. my girls stood out. i looked wholesome and matronly. it was crazy.

.....

i turned, and there was mr. bell. jabari came.
kfdajjajkdfjakfjafkdjjnmnafnajeriuajklljrea;jkreak;jrekajrelkjwamraw/.m/fsma.faoiklkakfajfaj;jkjaiga
yea...

just do your part pamela!

yesterday was a good day. got a new shoot....sept 10....gotta new party to attend....sept 10....gotta new show to organize sept 27. YES! its just a matter of me seeking it all...God has already placed it at my fingertips. its sickening how much i'm not reaching.

so a while back grace was apprenticing with this photographer named raquel. i was on one shoot, kinda helping and slightly styling. nothing major. lets see....raquel was cool in a i' m a freshman and you're a junior in high school kinda way. she's very high school to me. her work is decent. she is a photographer that can get the job done, but i don't think she has a creative mind. when i looked at her portfolio, i just thought she took pretty pictures. or maybe she had pretty models. i dunno, the attraction of the pictures was somewhere between her skill and her objects.

she does wayyyy too much in photoshop. i hate that...makes stuff look cheesy.

at any rate, i got an email that she is looking for a stylist for an upcoming shoot. i called her immediately and told her that i would love to work with her. she remembered me, and said that since i am new i can do test shoots with her. cool. so on saturday i have to meet with the model...tatiana...16.....36b....25.....37. 5'11. we share similiar measurements...so i already have a pretty good feel for her body.

"tatiana says that she wants to look like a victoria secret model"...says taitana's mom.
whoa.

i have a couple stores allowing me to pull from them. monica at bad rags and shoe freak. ima holla at fusion, cherry bomb, and bombay gal.

4 looks.....2 high fashion....2 commercial. cool.

monica says "sure pam, u can always pull from my store...matter of fact i'm having a trunk show on the 27th of september...maybe you can help me with that"

FA SHO!
when i entered the store monica was speaking with another woman. ...who also happened to be a stylist..."look man, its a cut throat industry. you're attractive, folks are gonna hate, so really gravitate towards and embrace those that really want to help you".

secretly...i think i might marry a black woman....

ran around the corner to holla at my boys from laced up. "PAM, u gotta come thru our party on the 10th. its gonna be on the rooftop again, make sure u come thru".....ummmm yessir.

so, i got another shoot....i got stores....i got social engagements....i got WORK to do...life is good man.

oh yea...my phone is cut off.
aHa. and life is still good.

went skateboarding last night...we went to those same tennis courts. most of our time was spent throwing tennis balls at one another....

ninth wonder tonight. party hard...and smoke the hookah!


........saw ms. moya the other night....that made me happy....and ali too, man i am really a graduate....jesus.

"why are you skateboarding at 21 pam? when i think of skateboarding i think of juvenile boys. AND your health insurance is up in 2 months!"

it wasn't as unocomfortably hot as it has been the past 2 days. it was fairly moderate. we left the house to walk up to the parking lot in turner field. she looked at me and laughed as we both had our skateboards tucked underneath our arms.

"okay if we were real skateboarders, we definitely would be skating to the parking lot"
i chuckled..."nah, i think skateboarding uphill is stupid...well maybe just too much work"

by the time we reached our destination i realized how ridiculous i looked. i still had on my work clothes, with my many necklaces and gaudy earrings...i had just thrown on some dunks to replace my slippers.

i took the time to show her how to balance herself on the board, how to push off, how to adjust her feet once she actually got on the board, and how to lean her body with her weight on her back leg to steer the board. many lessons for one day.

she was a great student. we made a great deal of progress in those three hours.

i took the board up the hill. i pushed off, hopped on, turned my body...and somehow i flew off completely. my entire body flipped up, my feet became level with my head...and then gravity began to do its job. my tailbone was the first part of me to greet the concrete. my upper body continued to fling back and my head bounced off the ground like ball. by the time i popped back up i had shooting pains all over me. i sat there stunned...still trying to figure out how exactly i fell off the board. i felt my ass aching, but that soon was replaced by the pain on the right side of my head.

she looked at me...and in mid-giggle ran over to ask if i was okay. still sitting there i was still in disbelief and just said "ummm, yeah".

okay, so i've fallen before, but this was serious. i was hurt forreal.

after a couple of minutes i walked back to the house to clean my scrapes in the small of my back with alcohol. SHIT...i actually screamed aloud. i immediately remembered why we always used peroxide...pain free.

i walked back to the parking lot, and the pain in my head was replaced by the pain from the alocohol on my lower back. that subsided.

i did some more teaching and a lot more skateboarding. at first i was hesistant and just doing really simple skating just to make sure that i wouldn't die. a couple minutes later i was comfortable again...exploring what more i could learn.

to conclude our session, 5 boys from around the way came to watch us. i am not one for audiences...well i am...but only at stuff that i am absolutely without a doubt good at. this isn't one of those things. i welcomed the boys to skateboard with us...these kids had never been on a skateboard before and were doing more tricks that i can learn in a week. it was great. after the older boys requested that i shake my laffy taffy and asked for hugs, i decided that it was time to wrap that up.

jermaine was my favorite. he was smart and humble. and the best skater. good luck in life jermaine!

last night we partied, only to return to turner field around 1 am to explore some more.


one day later....
i am in pain....BUT what matters is that.......

my bruise looks kinda sexy right above my buttcrack. has more meaning than a cheesy butterfly....heh heh....

memories can stifle or help with progress...

grace told me to be wary....she understands that we went our seperate ways for a reason...so us still remaining friends is cool but its imperative that we are very clear in our wants and needs for one another. i know grace, i know. thats all the more reason why i prayed to God for me to be easy before i left to go to his house at 12:30 am.

aHa.

got there.
had the dramatic viewing of one another.
embraced.
and kinda just looked at how we've had slight changes, in the past 2-3 months.

he says that we're extremists. either we can't sleep without laying beside one another or we won't see one another's face for a matter of months. well, last night broke the m.i.a. spell, but for some reason i don't think we're falling back into the intimacy spell.

hmmmm....

we left the house to walk to the nearby church parking lot. we skateboarded in circles and he gave great critique on my lack of technique. he then took the time to look at the board i was using, only to anounce that it sucked. he gave me his board...it was pretty much up there with eric's. (ha...inside joke). due to the many cracks in the concrete, we walked back to his house, hopped in the car, and drove to a nearby park.

as i drove up, i read the sign....open from 6am- 12 midnight...we proceeded to drive into the park. after watching me struggle to perfect a curve time and time again, he gave me his board. i went into the tennis courts and felt like i was floating on clouds. it felt really really good. smooth. i could have stayed out there all night, but since he wasn't skating with me i felt kinda bad for having his board.

before i went into the tennis courts i gave him my glasses.
i'm blind.
so while i was in the tennis courts, i couldn't see his actual body...not even the outline. he blended with the many colors that were all around me. anything outside of the board, my red shoes, and the tennis nets all began to overlap and become one. just a huge mural of dull muted colors surrounding me. although i couldn't see him, i knew that he was hidden somewhere within that mural. and i was comforted like hell. i would call his name every now and again to just get verbal confirmation that he was near.

i couldn't see him, but i'd like to think that he just sat there and watched me. for some odd reason, just the thought of that makes me giddy.

I KNOW GRACE! geez.

....the reason really isn't odd at all....at this point, its clearly natural.

we left. went back home. i was soaked from a mixture of sweat and the muggy atmosphere. pretty gross.
he let me play his new electric guitar. outside of my many made up songs, i performed the one song i know how to start off....redemption song.
his body language says so much, i've grown to know and understand it well.

then he played. i was elated by his progress since the last time i had heard him play.

he gave me shorts. i changed. we watched million dollar baby. he gave me his bed and his pillow. he played that damn song. i miss him so easily. its like i'm fighting my body to not do what my limbs, hands, fingers, are programmed to do. and then i evaluate why we have made concious decisions to go our seperate ways so many times.

it makes me realize that us existing in the platonic world is so ....ummm....forced. i am forced to hold back that comment, i am forced to push away that thought....i dunno.

no i do know...the day has to come soon where either it is or it isn't. i vow to never again indulge in the best of both worlds with him....

....maybe i really don't know....

hey ma! i have a response....

i am so accustomed to operating around me. i am my priority. even when others have different agendas from me, naturally, i'll figure a comprimise; never will i automatically fully give into their agenda.

the other day mom told robin that she wished that i had a real job. damn ma. when i asked her why she said that, she replied "because i do". well there is nothing that i can really say in response to that. this period of my life is packed with purpose (as all periods are), but i see this purpose now. in the moment. ususally stuff becomes clear for me in heinsight, seldomly in the now. walking in faith isn't too much of a challenge for me, because i know that i am obligated to get a great deal done, i know that i have to work hard and actively seek, therefore i feel like i will inevitably end up where i am supposed to be.

hope that makes sense.

i've never been a very flexible person. i am fairly regimented and honor schedules. i can name a number of people that have been placed in my life for the purpose of helping me with both my flexibility and patience. i don't have a very high tolerance for myself when it comes to being late, not getting stuff done, failing to follow through, basically half assing. as a result, i have even a lower tolerance for others, especially people that i love...yea, i'm working on it.

all this to say that my life has been catapulted in a direction where queenpammy can no longer always be placed at the top of my list. this is a time where i am forced to think outside of myself. i am not to concern myself with myself.

i have always considered myself to be a thoughtful person. but now the more i think about it, the more i realize that i was thoughtful with motives. i would do things more for a reaction and less for genuinely enjoying committing the action. i recite to myself multiple times in a week...live for no audience, only God matters.

with that said, i would like to stress that i do have a real job. creating shifts in personalities past the age of 0, is a chore. although there is an influx of sickness and death around me, i praise God for all of it.

i have had revelations about myself that have afforded me with the opportunity to both step outside of and get over myself.

far beyond any 9 to 5 i've ever had.

...just don't feel like it....

its crazy...i go thru these periods where blogging serves as my release...and then there are times when i don't even have the energy to begin writing a focused blog. i've felt that way for like a week now. don't even really feel like blogging today....

hmmm...
updates:
fell really bad skateboarding...haHA getting closer to the skateboard society
men are becoming more ridiculous by the second
atlanta's "artistic" circle is wayyyyyyyy too small...feel like i'm in high school again
i miss maryland
trying to scheme a way to buy this condo....oh man its great!
i miss both jabari and chico at an all time high...they're looking like gods when compared to who has been approaching me lately
went on a 13 hour photo shoot yesterday...the work was SICK
modeling for MAC on friday
going to NC this weekend
playing mom for ryan and stef this week




still don't like buatra
need to tell her i don't like buatra
grace is blowin me
i miss my mom
i need to get my car serviced
i need to start waitressing to cover car insurance...
in my mind, i suck as a waitress...need to get that out of my mind NOW
NOCHE tonight.....lets eat ladies
9th wonder is next week, i'm excited

right now, ur life is not about you pam.
continue to think of others.

this guy...

he sat at the bar with his back towards me...i did peep him as he watched me walk into slice and walk to my seat. i gave him the cordial head nod...and kept it moving. as i stared at his back, i thought that maybe he recognized me from somewhere...and began to attempt to remember when our paths has previously crossed. i came up with nothing. he kept looking back. i said nothing...not even to ebony, who i assumed had caught on to his uncomfortable glances by now.

"pam people really stare at u...that annoys me"...said robin. my look is loud, and i'm pretty used to it by now. don't phase me none.

his friend comes to join him at the bar, only to take on the ways of his man. they're both habitual sporadic glancers. at this point i am so over them...it does annoy me when people continuously stare, but say nothing. speak dude.

he pays for this meal, stands up out of the bar stool, pulls a card out of his wallet...and becomes frozen. i sit here and stare at this man's back...he moves slowly, and write something on the card. stuck again. his friend playfully shoves him, and leaves.
OKAY sir...clearly...and i'm just watching your back and its still evident...ur interested.
i lean back on the booth and wait.
he turns my direction, glances at me again, grabs the card from the counter, and walks out the door.
oh...
guess i called that one wrong. eb continues to talk to my as i sit there and giggle to myself...."sometimes...just sometimes, its not about you at all pam". said myself.

we pay for our food and leave slice. as we walk out i see him standing with his friend outside. he runs up to me and says that he could not leave without introducing himself.

"this is my second time seeing you here, and i think you are absolutely beautiful...u intrigue me" yeah yeah yeah...as always, ya got my attention.

he gently guides me out of the street back onto the sidewalk..and i realize that this is the first time that i've really looked into his face.
eric
28
cartoonist
conneticut...
cutie. i must say that it is always kinda comical to me when preppy guys approach me. i'm not mad at it, because i openly welcome all men. men of color. preferably black...but its still funny to me nevertheless.
.....

a week and a half later we kick it. he takes me to apres diem for dinner. he is an odd man. quite a character actually. he is one of these people that knows a lot about nothing. jeopardy champions. cool company though.

we walked over to piedmont to go skateboarding. i had WAY too much fun. i'm just learning, and he is like tony hawk himself. he taught me a lot, and i made a lot of progress in those two hours that we were out there. i felt like a true student, and he was actually an awesome teacher.

he asked what i had next on my agenda for the evening...and i told him that i had an article to write. GO PAM....its so easy for me to play always.

....he had surgery yesterday for an oversized prostate gland (random right)...hope he has a quick recovery cuz i wanna skate asap...

is that selfish?

my star

we will potentially be different people in a year. that doesn't concern me because i know that we are constantly growing to be better people. although our time together thus far has been rather brief, it has been more fulfilling then some relationships that i have maintained for years. grace you are a star...for some odd reason stars always gravitate to me (smile).

i am so excited about what this year will bring! we will have so much to talk about...relationships, new found love, new passions, the moving of clouds, lessons learned, pictures taken, orginization of shoots, family updates, new stars we'll meet...all this to always share that new truth.....which we will do because we made a pact, well i made one for us.

i just reread the first line i wrote...scratch that...we need to be different people in a year.

again, i request graphic visual imagery! it will keep me alert and interested.

we will cherish. every single day...we will sacrifice. every single day....we will love. every single day....and we will appreciate. every single day. i foresee this is going to be a great year. hey, we should treat this as our new year. august 1.

the true challenge will lie in making it seem as though you've never left...and honostly, i don't think that will be hard. there was a time when i wanted our future paths to be the same...i had the same wish with karla...i've learned that they may not be the same, but we will be together.

i love u!


where is that picture from you ask? the night, the sea of people parted...art beats + lyrics.

peace of mind...

the silent family care ride is comforting.
no balled up fists smacking skin
no bickering
no senseless banter
no yelling
no crying
no uneasy laughs
no hurtful words
no foot dragging along the tiles
no scratching of a bald scalp
no whining
no increasing the tv volume
no gerbil frolicking in his wood chips
no stomping up and down stairs

....

no scarred egos
no straining to lift a limb
no nausous stomachs
no frustration
no lonely spirits
no insecure bodies

no pain.

i hear none of this on the silent family car ride. and i like it.