"pam....saying that you're gonna be homeless actually isn't funny at all....its a serious matter"

its 9:41 am. i have to be out of my apartment at 5:15. that requires me to move my mattress, box spring, dinette, tv, tv stand, KITCHEN!, and a million other odds and ends...random baskets of stuff, clothes, tools. grace told me...pam, get on ur packing now. and what did i do? ate, partied, interened, went to grandma's funeral...okay that was like sick pam humor.

at any rate it is 9:43am and i still ahve to move my mattress, box spring, dinette, tv, stand, KITCHEN...dude i am blogging. and i need to be moving. this is problematic. i need a uhaul or a budget truck. i prefer a budget truck with those funny images and hilarious sayings on them ive been calling. no one has a truck for me. woe is me! nah...not really. im cool.

what can i be doing right now?

k
i
t
c
h
e
n

i don't wanna.....

i was so mad the other day because i typed like a grad school thesis of a blog the other day and it did NOT go thru. woe is me! sike again.

okay at this point this is senseless banter....going to pack up the kitchen

stuck.

i dunno what to blog about.
oh i do! a plan and goals coming soon.

well its soon.
short term goals:

1. get an apartment
(on st. charles...I LOVE IT....pursue the idea of maintaining the landlord's company website for rent deduction) booyaw grandma...thas gotta happen

2. acknowledge the fact that your lease is up in 6 days....PACK

3. seek help from all designers i know love and respect for guidance!

4. dedicate an ample amount of your freetime learning more and more design programs

5. at the internship....welcome humility and hard work. this needs to be your job!

okay...thats a start.

there is something absolutely special about atlanta ga. special in a rare and odd kinda way. TMC sponsored screen on the green in piedmont park last night. the movie featured? mommy dearest. as we were trying to find a place to set up shop....after all the lesbian couples tried so hard to get us to sit next to them...we eventually found space next to this beautiful trinidadian family. we set our belongings down....asked the family to keep an eye on our blanket and began to manuver (?) our way through the park. so many adorable black men...sharing the company of one another. sigh.

as we were walking i looked at the number of black male couples...and just took notice to the number to sister circles were there. women with their girls just kicken it. i dunno.

we walked...walked....walked. for some odd reason white girls were all in our faces. it was really weird. after the first chick, we didn't really think too much of it, but after the 11th, all we could do was giggle. after watching a copaera group in training...i wanted to try...we finally made it to the fiesta at willy's. mmmmm....tofu burritos. on our walk back we began to actually talk. outside of our giggles on the walk up, we weren't really talking.

"one thing i noticed about myself as we were walking up here is that i really clam up in hypersexualized spaces"

"well pam...we literally have to be in a gay person's heaven right now"

"true...but its crazy cuz basically everywhere we go is a straight person's heaven"

i dunno....my thoughts are no longer cohesive. jumble jumble jumble. i'm sure it'll be revisited eventually.

hmmm...by the time we made it back into the heart of the park an all out bash. the closer i got to the blanket, the more wire hangers i noticed being tossed in the air. it was weird.

we laid on our backs and just looked at the sky. it was pretty.

the movie began. damn that shit was funny! only piedmont park could make mommy dearest an all out comedy. too many people knew the script word for word. the croud erupted at
NO MORE WIRE HANGERS.....EVER!!!!!!! i then understood why so many chose to come with props.

as the night progressed...i got tired. i laid back to see the twinkling stars twinkle. how do they do that? as the movie came to an end, the crowd was captivated by the huge, red moon sitting to the right of the screen. last night was cool.

i have an article due!

my life...

life is good. really good!

yesterday i came to work...and left.
went to an art exibit that featured the work of lalla essaydi. the exibit was entitled embodiments.

with the female body as her focus, lalla essaydi uses photgraphic banners, sound and film to investigate both personal and global perceptions of spatial and gender boundaries within islamic traditions.

it was one of my favorite exibits ever. the pictures were projected from inkjet printers on screens that hung from the ceilings. her film opened up with a quote that said there are 3 silences...the first of speech, the second of desire, and the third of thought.

then i went to dynamic metal lofts to interview owners of the stores. that area has really looked out for me and my photo shoots, so i chose to put them on blast in my first article. laced up, blue orchid, and bad rags. well...only laced up was available. those guys are so warm and welcoming towards me. such great people. monica had an emergency. and boogie ass blue orchid is only open by appointment mon-wed. at any rate...i spent a nice amount of time in laced up...took pictures...headed out, only to bump into adrene (she owns a store in east atlanta...she grabbed me and gave me a hug).

note to self...if you don't make this fashion thing happen...its YOUR fault pamela...cuz u know some folks.

so returned to work to gather my things and head out.

met up with joiya at the wind down wednesdays in centennial park. REGGAE fest. fun fun fun. free free free. i met my extended jamaican/puerto rican family. apparently i have aunties, a cousin thats tryna holla, and a godson. it was peace...i love black folks.
so we were definitely in the crunk section. lol...it was cool though.
we were not ready to get back in the car..it was was such a nice night to stroll. so we did just that. walked from centennial park to five points. i hadn't been to the underground in a minute. met some random white kids. "omigosh...you guys are so new york. its great! i KNOW you guys are artists!". okay kids...simmer down...smile. they were vocalists...joiya and i plan to attend their opera show on friday night.

note to self...thursday...peidmont park-mommy dearest/vantage studios. friday...opera. saturday...beach party (with my new jamaican/puerto rican fam), model call (3-5), paisley's fashion show. okay. cool.

so finally my boss calls me to tell me to come to the office for movie night. i call eb and tell her to meet me at my house.

1355 peachtree at 9:00 at night has such a different feel. we pretended that it was our home. we met the security gaurd who said i looked just like his daughter...his 42 year old daughter. geez. went to the 18th floor.

PARTAY! drinks....food...dope people. we went out on the balcony...and joiya and eb are so suddenly pleased at my not so lame direction for the night. dubelyoo was there...my man 100 grande. he reported that he has a tshirt line coming out, and would love my help.
"oh dubelyoo...i would love to provide you with my help".
jabari was there "oh shit, u rockin blazers". hmmmm...what the hell is he talkin about? i smiled and nodded. and some other random rich coloreds.
we all set up shop in the conference room to watch team america. oh boi! i was exhausted by the time the movie was over. we said our goodbyes...exchanged cards...and bowed out gracefully.

i need a plan. goals even. coming soon.

eric.

....a whole year later....these are the flow of our conversations...

queenpammy5: if i go to centennial...and u come...u can bring me some
queenpammy5: if that doesn't work out...then its ur fault...i did try to eat ur pasta

***where the plot thickens***


Sochira: i just love serving u pam
queenpammy5: lol
queenpammy5: shutup
Sochira: haha
Sochira: put that in your blog
Sochira: "jabari (not the guy from work) just loves serving me)\ queenpammy5: awww man, i'm really laughing
Sochira: pasta and salmon again?
Sochira: munch munch
Sochira: young i am blown
queenpammy5: enjoy ur food darlin
queenpammy5: why?
queenpammy5:
Sochira: aside
queenpammy5: uh huh
Sochira: this bama left the cabinets open
Sochira: again...
Sochira: munch munch
queenpammy5: damn that james
Sochira: (im acting like ur blog pam)
Sochira: so after i call this bama
queenpammy5: excuse me....don't u dare imply that i complained and ate
Sochira: and tell him about the moon
Sochira: munch munch
Sochira: he has the NERVE
Sochira: to make crabs
Sochira: and NOT INVITE ME
Sochira: well it was only one crab
Sochira: and i always complain about driving down there so... munch"
Sochira: hahah

in conclusion...

Sochira: hi pam
Sochira: pam
Sochira: you're an orange moon
Sochira: my orange moon
Sochira: hanging from the great heavens above

the end. and i do feel as though this is great representation of jabari...the original.

hmmmm....topic? men.

last night...her boyfriend kept staring at me
today....he acted like he couldn't pinpoint where he remembered me from
now....he screams little sister, but acts like we're a seasoned couple

they walk in and immediately, they command everyone's attention. "they are just the cutest couple...they compliment one another so well". i must say, they are cute. phyiscally at least. i look at him and all i can think is "pam, don't get it twisted...that night i noticed my girl i noticed you too". who says that? i mean really, who would actually come out of their mouth and say that to their girlfriends girl? everytime i look up, he's looking down at me. on the other side of the room in conversation, he glances from under his hat to listen attentively. ugh. no me gusta that guy.
...


it is about 11am on a saturday morning. hot as hell outside. i look straight like a lil b-girl with my swish swish pants...dunks...jean jacket...not a day that i cared too much about my appearance. i hop out the car and being pumping my gas.
"damn sis...ur shoes are fresh"....ahahaaaa now lookin back on it, that sounds like such other-era lingo. well...it is. i turn around. cutie. "WHY, thank you!" we start talking. he says he has fam in maryland...asks me where i go to school...what i like to do for fun...whether or not i like art.....and if he can call me sometime.

spelman.
be in the company of my friends.
yes.
SURE.

he never called.

walk into my office at my new cool job. and who is standing right there...him. jabari happens to be his name. . he looks at me...i look at him...i acknowledge him with a head nod...and he smiles. dammit! not here. not at my new job. he makes it a point to talk on the phone directly outside my window. heh hehe heh. boys slay me. the boss introduces us. he comes out the mouth "oh man...i see her everywhere...she is quite the social butterfly".

no u didn't. no u did NOT just say that to the man i work for. dummy. so he is the man behind arts beats and lyrics. yeah...perhaps he has seen me a lotta places outside the gas station, because i have surely been to a couple of his events. sigh...so yeah thats my co worker

....
everytime i turn...he is there...we always see one another in the same space. he makes his presence known. he is actually quite beautiful. one day he had on a gray sut with a pink shirt and i was so tempted to approach him and speak on his beauty. i decided to hold my tongue. even though its only from a distance, there has always been some unspoken chemistry between us. i choose to keep the distance.

one night he decides to bogard the conversation that i am having with a homeless man. its funny how people often assume your comfort level...well anyway, he saw himself as my savior that night. men, man. slay me! we conversed...and he actually turned out to be quite the character. borderline odd. but cool as hell. morehouse grad...hmmm.

"so what do you do"
...'nothing"...
"okay...you do nothing?"
"yeah, i just quit my job, so now i do nothing. tryna find a home now. i live with my mom"
"oh my..."

so granted...this bama does everything in his power to make himself out to be a common loser. definitely is an architect. just left a company for 9 years in boston. now in the beginning stages of his own firm.

he is 32. pause...thinking thinking...the eye area of his face captivates me. he knows it. he does everything in his power to touch me...and to be close to me. more often that not i play oblivious. conversations with him actually do drain me. i have to take breaks in the midst of our conversations just to give my brain a break. he knows this too. he listens well. he speaks on the compatibility of our signs.

"you are my estella bonia from the 4th grade"

jesus.

i'm still alive...

wow....i literally turned my back on blogging? had i lost my mind? well...i'm glad to report that i've gotten it back. so what's been going on?

i've been dedicating a great deal of my time and energy to my auntie and her family. she seems to be doing well, and her spirits seem fairly high. i sat with her in the hospital the other day to see her get prepped for chemo. my aunt is so big on seeming cool, calm, and collected...i almost feel humbled when she gives me some type of insight about her actual feelings.

"our house has literally been turned upside down. do u know that this treatment alone...and i mean sitting in here today....ranges from $6,000-$10,000"

it seems that no one in her immediate family even knows the severity of her cancer stage. i question how informed her husband is. he is so sad to me. it makes me sad. i've witnessed an energy shift in this man. his presence and personality is lost. auntie does everything she can to care for him...its actually more important to me that she does everything she can to care for herself.

i told mom that when i thought about their issue, spoke on the condition of crisis in their home, or even slept in their house i would get headaches. i don't normally get headaches. so it bothered me a lot. mom told me that sickness has a spirit, and i have to make sure that i am taking great care of myself when i am in their home. "eat well, sleep well, keep ur mind strong, pray". she said that she experience the same thing 3 weeks ago when she was staying with grandma.

whats his name you ask? well eb and milan call him puerto rican papi. ok ok ok...jamal. i appreciate the way God provides me with balance. this boy is a great release from how serious a lot of things in my life have suddenly become.

he's beautiful. and i hope that te extent of his beauty isn't his physical. we're different. different is cool...but i'm not sure that i see how exactly we compliment one another. grace said "we don't have to over analyze everything we enjoy pam. sometimes its cool to just live in the moment"

real talk grace louise...real talk.

quarter inch rainbow

praise God from whom all blessings flow.
today was a good day.
woke up around 6 am being punished for the KFC that i conciously chose to ate the previous evening. according to my body, 6-8am were the most painful hours of the day.
took a shower. shawn, bridge, and the kids swarmed in the house. they quickly changed into their funeral gear. everyone looked really nice.

mom decided against riding with the processional from grandma's house and opted to just meet the family at the zebulon civic center. traffic was CRAZY...and my father was acting crazier. he gets so anxious sometimes...it irritates me. at any rate..we made it on time...a bit early actually.

met with the family. lined up....proceeded in. man. the service was beautiful. it was church. a celebratory service quite representative of grandma. a lot of the church family came from silver spring...as well as family members from my dad's side. it was special.

today was the first day i saw mom cry. like a child. it hurt. i t was so important to me that mom was pleased with the service...and she was. the final parting view was tough. grandma looked pretty. pretty in pink. all the children and grandchildren were genuinely touched, and that filled my heart.

we all laid flowers (36 total....9 children + 22 grandchildren) on her beautiful pearl casket trimmed with pink and green flowers.

and then we ate.....oh how i love black folks. big family meals do serve as healing.
the children played....brothers and sisters talked....neices updated one another...life went on.

today was the first day we went outside our backyard to go on the golf green (so against the rules). we played...mom, robin, stef, and i. it was fun. on the walk home, i pointed out to everyone a teeny tiny rainbow that looked to be a quarter of an inch. for about 4 days now, i've seen clouds that look like they will produce rainbows...but haven't seen one.

today was a beautiful day.

the clouds are speaking...

hmmm....
for the past ten days the clouds have been precisely telling the story of my life. its been extremely interesting...when times suck....storms brew....and when the sucky times are slowly coming to a close....it may continue to rain but with the sun peeking through. the connections have been perfect. its funny because i think i may know the outcome of the day...and just watch the weather and realize that i was completely wrong. its actually been quite helpful.

today was grandma's wake. as i sat in the front pew and began to think about us grandkids (all 22+) of us....i began to realize how her spirit really is apart of us. all of us are people persons. we love meeting people...interacting with people....exchanging....each of us have welcoming spirits. that made me so happy. so then i saw how much of an obligation each of us have to continue her legacy. God is good.

the wake was cool. she looked pretty. pretty in pink. her makeup was a bit dull...she coulda used blush to highlight her face better. she was smiling...and looked peaceful.

hearing mom cry really sucks. i live in her energy...because whatever her mood is...is mine. gotta pray on that one. as one of the oldest cousins i felt the need to really compose myself for the sake of the younger ones. there came a point in the service where i really brokedown. and then i got irritated with myself because i could not pinpoint the source of my sudden heartache.

its okay pam...sometimes u don't have to understand it...and literally it has to come out of you.

i act like my mom. shes's the oldest daughter. i'm one of the older cousins. she lends shoulders just as i pat hands. the crazy thing is...she's tryna be my rock just as i'm tryna be hers.

the funeral is tomorrow.

home sour home

*note, first time blogging with people around me*

i wasn't really trippin off of grandma's death...and then my foot touched north carolinian soils. i'm heavy. it took me an extremely long time to actually move today. i woke up....quasi attempted to look for airlines for my auntie....wak connection prevented me from being successful. sat around in my shirt and panties...got blown because my flowy florence made a small statement on my sheets. ugh. jamal called...we talked. i told him i was leaving, and he got down....i told him why i was leaving, and he got really down. i slowly moved from room to room...got stuck for an extended period of time in each room. my sister called...and i told her i was packing to leave. got up, went to the kitchen and cooked eggs with waffles. watched frasier. answered phone calls. kept thinking i had to cash a check at the bank (still can't find my atm card)....so that i could have cash that would allow to board the plane. got juice. guava pineapple. answered phone calls.

and finally i showered.

rushed rushed rushed to get out the house to the bank...took an hour to actually get out the house.

went to the bank. went thru the drive thru, only to be informed that i had to actually come inside the bank. "internal transactions require you to come inside mam". went inside. got nervous i wouldn't even get my money. got my money!

eb picked me up. went to the airport. again, tried to get my ticked outside the airport. again, the workers tried to begin my transaction...only to tell me that xfares required that i went inside the airport. theme of the day you ask? GO INSIDE. hmmm...

ummm...the worker inside was anal retentive "well mam, you're only supposed to be allowed 2 hour advance, you really should wait twenty more minutes" ugh. got my ticket stood in security check line for a million years.

got to my terminal. and just sat. reached for my laptop...book...journal....never actually picked anything up. gazed out the window. and watched the nearby children. so interesting to see the strong personalities in such little people. finally, got on the plane. 29C.

sat next to jesus christ's godson. "my dream job pam? hmmm....to be in service for the Lord". i enjoyed him...he was pleasent to converse with.

plane landed. i got heavy.

these next few days will be up and down for me....haven't seen mom yet

untitled...

i woke up ouotta my sleep last night, because i was cold....

shawn and dad called to say grandma passed away at 4am

mom told me her heart was broken. damn.

i saw grandma and grandaddy dancing while i was in the sanctorium today.

exhale....

oddly enough...

...grandma had a relapse an is unconcious....

hey ma....
one day a bunny hopped into a meadow. this was no meadow of this world. for what replaced grass were stalks of jellybeans. all color jellybeans, and an abundance of green ones. the bunny thought she was in heaven and proceeded to hop further into the meadow. she looked up into the sky only to see a huge orange ball. no really...an actual orange took the place of the sun. it began to rain orange grinds that were filled with juice. as the bunny's fur got sticky, she approached a waterfall to clean her body. at the bottom of the waterfall was a bubbling brook...she hopped right in....only to become inebriated. the bunny had jumped into a lake filled with moet champagne. not too long after the bunny just began to aimlessly float down the river on her back. she no longer had any strength to continue swimming, for her drunkeness began to take over her body. the relaxing feeling of floating down the lake quickly put the bunny to sleep. she floated. floated. and floated some more.
eventually, the bunny woke up against a dam. a dam made out of graham (?) crackers. damn! she began to gobble...gobble...gobble...eat....eat....and eat some more. the bunny no longer remembered drinking and subconciously was eating to soak up the alcohol in her tummy. once she got full, she climbed out of the bank..and just laid out on her back gazing at the orange in the sky.
.....all i got so far......pt 2.....comes later.
i LOVE u....this is unfortunately all i could think to say. MUAH.

livin large...

my behavior has been real cute lately. i have no job. and around 11pm last night my uncle took me out around inman park to look at condos and lofts. now, i was told the range from 150-175 to keep an eye out for. so, as the obedient daughter, i just researched that price range. NOW after speaking with a friend today, whose home was 130 and pays 950/month, i now realize that dad must think i already work at cartoon network as an art director...or maybe even lead designer at gucci.

lawdamercy no.

....i think i need an apartment guide....ahahhahahhaahhhaaa....sigh....

talkin to a new friend. he is cool. jamal. he made a statement today that really made me think...

"i know you need to find a job before these troops come back home"

...yea i do. kinda sucks that i'm struggling with a buttload of folks outside of the country...

today was not a very productive day. i'm okay with it.

i miss home. tonight i challenge myself to pick a random topic and create an advertising campaign surrounded around the topic. this week is alllll about adding to graphics design portfolio.

grandma is improving :) mom told me to stick around so that grandma could rest.
God...prepare me for what is to come...

a better day...

so for the past 4 days i have been stuck in a disgusting slump. can't say i've ever experienced this. i have been pretty much a hermit, and i've had most contact with mi computadora. sigh...well its been broken. PRAISE GOD!

i went to an art district last night, where all these galleries were opening. i was impressed by a lot of the work, blown by some of it. got info for K, so she can have a greater pool of artists to pull from when it comes to curating. called grace, to confirm her brilliance in photography.
ha...found out that the photographer that i emailed yesterday was $500 for 1 look. heh heh heh...his work was featured last night. oh no sir. let me be his charity case.

i pray for drive, vision, and being ready to work hard.

i saw jabari's work all over every wall i approached. K...grace...jabari....they make me feel talented, just to be a friend.

last night was good for me. got me amped allllll over again. i am gifted. i am creative. i am a visionary. and it is my obligation to see my dreams into fruition. work hard pammy poo bear.

....lost my atm card....

day one...

oh MAN...
soooooo.....america.....brazil....sri lanka....sigh, anyone that cares....wild cowgirl has signed on. i am so excited.

today i have been extremely stagnent. i only know how to function with a busy schedule, where i have little time for myself. no job....no real prospects....way too much time for myself.

grandma is sick. mom goes back to md tomorrow. i am thinking about going to nc, but mom may warn me against it since grandma really needs to rest, and not entertain folks. its her call..we'll see.

grace is gone.

milan leaves today.

pam time....stuff is about to get serious!