Friday, June 10, 2005

the clouds are speaking...

for the past ten days the clouds have been precisely telling the story of my life. its been extremely interesting...when times suck....storms brew....and when the sucky times are slowly coming to a may continue to rain but with the sun peeking through. the connections have been perfect. its funny because i think i may know the outcome of the day...and just watch the weather and realize that i was completely wrong. its actually been quite helpful.

today was grandma's wake. as i sat in the front pew and began to think about us grandkids (all 22+) of us....i began to realize how her spirit really is apart of us. all of us are people persons. we love meeting people...interacting with people....exchanging....each of us have welcoming spirits. that made me so happy. so then i saw how much of an obligation each of us have to continue her legacy. God is good.

the wake was cool. she looked pretty. pretty in pink. her makeup was a bit dull...she coulda used blush to highlight her face better. she was smiling...and looked peaceful.

hearing mom cry really sucks. i live in her energy...because whatever her mood mine. gotta pray on that one. as one of the oldest cousins i felt the need to really compose myself for the sake of the younger ones. there came a point in the service where i really brokedown. and then i got irritated with myself because i could not pinpoint the source of my sudden heartache.

its okay pam...sometimes u don't have to understand it...and literally it has to come out of you.

i act like my mom. shes's the oldest daughter. i'm one of the older cousins. she lends shoulders just as i pat hands. the crazy thing is...she's tryna be my rock just as i'm tryna be hers.

the funeral is tomorrow.

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