karma police kept playing in my head

JOYriding with grace on my side.

fourteen. ten. two.

obama kids from pamela shepard on Vimeo.


sigh....

merry christmas to you.

it is a day for children.



...and large red bows.

alias.

the entire family honestly believes that i study very hard to channel this woman.

edna mode.

ummm...yes, i did feel tickled by her character when i first saw the incredibles.
but it is hilarious to me that five years later, my parents have recently had this
epiphany...and now feel the need to relay their new-found truth to my siblings
and their grandchildren.

everyone agrees.

........
(i'm in no way offended by this comparison)

heart face head.

lisa, angela, PAMELA, renee

Charles Hamilton - New Music - More Music Videos

even at twenty five...
i still love songs that shout out a bunch of girls' names
(and secretly, i always listen for mine).

each night

i find it extremely difficult to close my eyes.

here, i am encouraged to dream.

cling to nothing.

"pamela, i hope that something marvelous and unusual happens at your job today"

i loved my mother's language...and i realized that i too agreed with those very words.
that phrase became a focused part of my daily prayers.

"ask not, and you'll receive not"

this is how my father titled the subject line of an email about a month ago. and it hit me, i am doing everything, and asking for nothing.

expect your miracle. EXPECT YOUR MIRACLE!

for the past two-three months i have been lying and suddenly falling sick to avoid going to work. my personal projects have been picking up a bit, and i am now apart of the meetings that create visual stories. balancing my dreams and reality have been a challenge...a risky challenge.

i've walked with caution...and jumped when necessary.

the good news is that now i must (jump that is)...it was announced that my store is closing. i sat there and stared into the faces of genuinely hurt and broken co-workers. my heart sank as i began to register that families that would be affected by this change. tears began to shed and heads began to drop. i rubbed backs, gave hugs, declaring that "all is well".

"for you pam. all is well for you! NOT FOR ME."

once the area cleared i sat there alone and began to process what this meant for me.
i smiled.
and smiled.
and smiled.

oh, my God...for me...pamela shepard...this is precisely marvelous and unusual.
wow.

i called my mother...relayed the news...and we spoke about how timely this is for me.

"mama...did i get laid off?"

"....yes pam..."

"mama...do i get unemployment?"

"....yes pam..."

"MAMA IS UNEMPLOYMENT GONNA FUND MY DREAMS????"

"....shutup pamela..."

......

i'm just so grateful. i dunno when i was going to leave...i saw it coming...but i am not sure how much longer i would have tiptoed around to quietly fulfill my dreams.

this is my time.

.......

at 5pm that same day i got a call from donna karen to set up my january work schedule.

by way of silver spring

i just wish santogold too was drawn
(i enjoy looking at her face)

***when you live in harlem, and hear such anthems...how do you feel?
brantly...u may respond.

timely.

easy.
breezy.
beautiful.

cover.
...well...i'm not a girl.
and he's no boy...

(sigh) adults.

giggle.

distractions...

being hated
is a new territory for me and i do not like it.
not one bit.

proaction vs reaction

i pray that this doesn't lift until i learn the
lesson that i am supposed to learn. (come onnnn lesson)

***i don't wanna react to someone else's movement.
i just want to move.
that's realistic...i mean, that makes sense...right?

is that dangerous thinking?
or healthy?

.....
i am utterly confused. (are you really confused pam?)
eh...
i just know that i can't wallow here too long.
i physically moved...now my thoughts must follow.

adulthood is a trip.

human behavior

you give only what you wish to offer.
your fear is annoying.

people show who they want you to see
and people do what they want to do
i'm clear on that.

even me too, i suppose.

paige sabrina

for nina.

romantic diddy...

he clouds my clarity.
i can't commit to one conclusion.
i become double-minded.

i allow him
to influence me
in a way that makes It
bigger
than what It is.

....i miss you.
(i think)

HOWEVER.
i am clear that i don't like It.
(being double-minded that is)

....

insanity can be fascinating when under observation.

southern girl.

gimme that ol time religion
gimme that ol time religion
gimme that ol time religion
cuz its good enough for me.

it was good enough for my mama
it was good enough for my mama
it was good enough for my mama
and its good enough for me.

...

i miss home.

...

and i miss karla too.

...

he came to speak to my second grade class about physics while using a red and a blue ball as props.

he would wake me up out of my sleep if i didn't wash the dishes properly.

he told me that if i kept eatin that way...then i'd be "big as a house"

he always hid my things when i briefly left the room.

he would videotape my PSAs about suicide (with my barbie actresses).

he would pull out his rusty, dark saxophone while i practiced on my new shiny one.

he hid behind dark corners and patiently awaited my footsteps only to scare me so i dropped to the floor
(hence, my bad nerves)

he would run over to me full speed after i had fallen into a ditch of rocks on my rollerblades.
(and then he praised Jesus for me not "falling to my death")

he would tell me to "slow down" while i would drink my beverage during a meal.

he sat with me as i drooled over the new arrival of the JC Penneys catalog.

he consistently walked behind me, tapping the back of my knee so my legs would buckle.

he snuck bites out of my desserts if i became preoccupied.

he told me that the only boys that matter are those with substance.

he told me that the small keloid on his elbow was from swallowing a bug and it going down the wrong pipe.

he would quickly glance at me and fast forward through all sex scenes.

he revised my responses of "yeah" to "yes sir pamela".

he would always round out my shoulders, correcting my posture.

he pulled out his graduate school level math books to use as references for my 10th grade geometry.

he told me that i played too much and took life as one big joke.



....so now you understand me better.
yes?

home office.

when working on a website...one should always dress appropriately.

http://www.box.net/shared/314cdy1iby

well really, i just feel like a winner. (even though my focus is slipping)
it looks so sexy outside.
i tried to recreate that in here.
my four candles.
my cushy pillows.
my spotlight.
my carrots + ranch dressing
ummmm
oh...and my music blasting (mos def's 'panties')

awwww yeahhhhh....

(be quiet kwesi...)

scattered and smart. a perfect mind.

i don't spend to much time sitting around and imagining my future children.
...and the couple of times i have briefly glimpsed them...they're not white.


Untitled from Tavi G on Vimeo.


i really. really. really. love her.

imagination vs reflection

a glass panel sits in front of me while my back faces a mirror.
i have the entire world to observe...its all right here before me.
i can sit here, look through this glass, and see what i want to see...
however i want to see it.

it is all up to me.

but when i turn around, i see what is.
as it is.
i begin to look at truth.

..............

although they are both sharp...
one is more necessary than the other.

refined beach bum.

meets alien.
...it all makes me feel some kinda way. (shrug)
maybe "creepy" is the word.

believe this.

faith is a powerful force.

...things just appear.

and if you really believe...you

can't act surprised. you just kinda

have to move with the miracle.

....

i voted.

i feel sick.

georgia lost my absentee ballot.
...i really want to blow something up.


like, forreal.


i told my sister that tomorrow, for the rest of my life i will lie.
i will tell my grand children how early in the morning i got up to vote.
how i was the very first person in line.
how i prayed and gave thanks to my ancestors for that very moment prior
to submitting my ballot.
and how i cried as i exited the threshold of the voting site.

i will lie.

.....

i hate this system.

like, forreal.

precious gifts.

teetering. tottering.
teetering. tottering.
teetering. tottering.

the ground is moving. and
surpisingly this thunderous rumble
feels natural. comfortable even. pebbles,
soil, clay, water, layers of rocks...they've all
learned the same choreography and now dance
together as one. i am immediately honored
by their invitation to join in with
this moment of movement.

...i know what to do.

its quick. stacatto. syncopated. its easy.
the more i stand still, the easier my
body moves. no effort involved. the earth
is carrying me. ordering my steps.

i move good.

with my arms lifted, out by my sides, i feeel like i'm
surfing. coasting along with the fluidity of the
earth's tremors. i am here. 100% present and in sync
with God almighty's rhythm.

stop sound.
so i hear nothing.
i say "no" to sound. its too much of a distraction
during this sacred sway. my vision has
sharpened and i have opted to be deaf.
i made a choice and i prefer it this way.
no voodoo curse or unwarranted affliction.
just a conscious decision.

i feel.
i feel.
i feel.
i feel connected.

i truly feel this conversation...its all very clear. the
discussion bounces between my limbs and the land.
its physical...something about this is holy.
and it no longer hurts; my muscles have relaxed.

they now trust my being.

.......

i have no fear of what is to come.
i can feel that the ground is preparing to break
a smile (potentially a wide, gap-toothed smile)
directly beneath my feet.

i am feeling.

i open my eyes and look down.
my body has formed a perfect upside-down "t".
my legs have stretched wide open as the ground
continues to seperate.

somthing is to come out of this.
...out of me.

something good.
something God.

sigh.

...oh yes.
it is perfectly normal for robots to excite and arouse.
(just in case you were wondering)

an aura pillow.(or just a better attitude)

so last night i was speaking with God about my boyfriend. we covered quite a bit...

from that exchange...he should've had an awesome day today.

........

i need to exercise.
parts of my spirit are too reactionary.
bounce. deflect. dodge.
pain, resistance, criticism, evasion, rudeness, distance.

i must own my energy.
hone in.

in my head it looks like a bunch of invisible layers of
love, peace, patience, comfort, quietness, and respect
all cushioning around my epidermis.

outside stuff really needs to take longer to penetrate.
less leaks.
less frequently.

........

minding my business.

say you got it from me.

sooooo...

what did the zero say to the eight?

pause.

pause.

pause.

"heh....nice belt"

street art.

http://rodstuartlovesthehamptons.com/
...its all very weird, i know.
don't ask me to explain anything, because
i really don't get the message.
i just see it EVERYWHERE...including
the front window of where i work.


.........

i went the banksy exhibit twice last week.
(all the rats being wheatpasted in soho/LES)
i was both amused and disgusted...twice.

http://www.woostercollective.com/2008/10/the_village_pet_store_and_charchoal_gril.html

...its my favorite shirt. shutup.

Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
james 4:14

***some versions refer to life as a mist.

i am not in the business of wasting your Time or mine.
...neither of us really have that much to play around with.
its precious...much like you and i.

perhaps we should date.
Time and i.

....

im ready for a boyfriend.
i've decided.

some people chase light...

and some people live in it.

she is my very best friend.
my heart has been heavy these past couple of days...i cling to her as though her heart lives in my chest.
she was my first love, and set a high standard for those that followed.

she has taught me how to be a better person.
she scolds me when i am mean.
holds me when i am broken.
and dances with me when i feel inspired.

she gets me. and she STILL loves me.
...what an honor.

she is my girl. the girl that was always so womanly.

...she grew me up.
"loving doesn't always mean having" (ntozake shange)

pray for her peace and sunny smile while in burkina faso. (please)
...not that west africa is in dire need of more sunlight.

please sit still. please.

tonight i have forced myself to leave the apartment. it has taken me over an hour to just bend down and slip on my sperry loafers. something in me will not let me not go. not tonight.

i forget who invited me, but i'm here at a dinner party. i've literally just walked in and this space is completely
bare. its a huge room with minimal furniture, and exposed brick walls. ehhh, give or take, there are about seventeen people here. these are remarkably boring looking people, i'm drawn to no one. its like, there are small cliques sitting in different areas of the room, and oddly something tells me that everyone present is connected. there is just no order here, i have no clue as to who is the host.

who the hell invited me?...i don't recognize anybody.

i am standing here in front of the door, glancing from face to face hoping for welcoming eyes. directly across from me, there is this woman sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. i like her sea green blouse, it has a small floral print...she reminds me of an m&m from the easter bag. her rough blond curls hid her eyes until she pushed her thick bangs to the side.

she looks up and sees me.

two seconds later, she starts sucking her teeth and rolling her eyes. she turns her head to the left and covers her face with her huge, frazzled curls. i can't do this...why am i here?

i take a couple of steps forward refusing to make eye contact with anyone else. i need a drink. i still don't know whose home i'm in...so i guess it'll be best to serve myself. i walk over to the kitchen area and quietly open the refrigerator door. there sat on the top shelf three rows of Newman's pink lemonade. its pretty amazing..this top shelf looks perfect...not one carton out of place. slightly trippy. i feel both touched and annoyed...i really like it when things look like this, but lemonade is a miserable beverage. it dries out my tongue.

i am not sure how much time has passed, but i do know that things around me have changed. the air feels different. i think i feel a breeze...that wasn't there before. someone must have turned on a fan. and i now smell grease...someone is cooking bacon. SHIT. see, this is why i never leave my apartment. this is so embarrassing. i have stood here stuck and completely still, looking at lemonade for who knows how long. this is humiliating, i hope no one noticed. i do this all the time...freeze. why am i here? why did i leave my apartment? for God's sake, i am at a random and boring dinner party...
where breakfast food is being cooked.

and the only drink option is LEMONADE!!!

i slowly start to close the fridge door, hoping to blend in with this blah crowd. i dart my eyes over to the wall...that woman is staring at me and grinning from ear to ear. she saw me. i just know she was watching me while i was frozen. i look down and turn my back....i hate myself and i am leaving.

"HEY! I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ME!"

i turn around to glare at her, and she has now turned her head and is staring the opposite direction. i feel it coming. i can't stop watching her fat, uneven curls settle into place. why did she just scream so loudly? i mean...its not like
any of these zombies reacted to her noise, but she didn't have to yell. i'm standing right here. there is no music, and no one is speaking above a muffled murmur....why did she yell?

her curls are taking forever to sit perfectly still. i really hope that she doesn't turn back around. i won't be able to move until she sits absolutely still. my insanity is exhausting. the look of perfection is always what i wish to see. even when its not perfect. she desperately needs a trim!! and i know this.

but i'll stand here, frozen, until i see what i want to see.
i always do.

.....

dear world.
dear universe.
show me lots + lots + lots of love.
please.
i need to see so much love that it surrounds me.
and gets deep into my pores.
so i can go swimming...
...perhaps even drown.
again.

cramping hurts

my mind could not focus.
i kept flipping the pages of "who moved my cheese", anxiously
waiting for the book to end. i became lifted when kelis'
"millionaire" came on. the feeling was brief, because about
five seconds later, i began to feel nervous.

canal street stop was next.

i had made it up in my mind that if i got off the train.
walk to the front of the station. surface to street level,
and wave to the bagel vendor. walk past the deli and stand
on the corner at the stoplight. say "good morning" to the
street cleaner on wooster...then my life would be the same
daily routine. forever.

by the time the train had come to a stop, i was clear
about my next movements. i turned around, walked
to the back of the station, and surfaced. ...elsewhere.

i felt better, and actually had a more productive morning.
the best news is that now my life won't be the same daily routine.
forever.

(phew)

the routine

it happens about once a month where every single person i know gets on my nerves.
...and its not the same time of the month as my period.

poor me (and perhaps you)

....
fall is aqui. so as always, i become more reflective and productive.
its the time of the year to put on some clothes, and to say your
bedtime prayers every single night. you must crane your neck to
look at the sky more often, and make it a point to call
your brother weekly. you remember to honor both time
and obligations. finally, you drink and dance a lot less.

.....

musica:
tv on the radio (stork and owl, and family tree)
raphael saadiq

libros:
chasing cool (by noah kerner and gene pressman)

juegos:
apples to apples

peliculas:
ATL


........
***father bought me a tape recorder (cassette tapes only) soooo i'm pretty much documenting it all these days.

handiwork.

i woke up early this morning.
i had a meeting with the director of
visual merchandising for donna karen.
*drumroll*...i am now a freelance
merchandiser for their flagship store.

i made it to work on time after my meeting.
i love that i can make things move +
happen in the boutique. my presence
makes a difference. its nice to know
that. the new goal is trying to figure out
how to elevate my role within the
m+fg company. i decided today...
i am thankful for my job.

after work i had a creative meeting
for an editorial project that i am working on.
its a competition surrounding the theme
of luxury. i love being around people
that speak smart when it comes to
aligning their hearts + eyes.
i'm excited.


.......
i have fairly attractive hands.
minus a couple of small scars,
and my bitten cuticles (eww, i know)
they are close to flawless.

i think.

they look their very best when
they are not touching one another.
its the worst feeling when i look
down, and their sitting on top
of one another. i feel sick.
...and i don't really like myself in
that moment.

happy hands create a happy pam.
busy hands inspire a thoughtful pam

work
work
work

its sewing time!

monday treats...

i can hear the song better.



eyeballs are such a gift.
...and heartbeats too.

blurred buoyancy