the routine

it happens about once a month where every single person i know gets on my nerves.
...and its not the same time of the month as my period.

poor me (and perhaps you)

....
fall is aqui. so as always, i become more reflective and productive.
its the time of the year to put on some clothes, and to say your
bedtime prayers every single night. you must crane your neck to
look at the sky more often, and make it a point to call
your brother weekly. you remember to honor both time
and obligations. finally, you drink and dance a lot less.

.....

musica:
tv on the radio (stork and owl, and family tree)
raphael saadiq

libros:
chasing cool (by noah kerner and gene pressman)

juegos:
apples to apples

peliculas:
ATL


........
***father bought me a tape recorder (cassette tapes only) soooo i'm pretty much documenting it all these days.

handiwork.

i woke up early this morning.
i had a meeting with the director of
visual merchandising for donna karen.
*drumroll*...i am now a freelance
merchandiser for their flagship store.

i made it to work on time after my meeting.
i love that i can make things move +
happen in the boutique. my presence
makes a difference. its nice to know
that. the new goal is trying to figure out
how to elevate my role within the
m+fg company. i decided today...
i am thankful for my job.

after work i had a creative meeting
for an editorial project that i am working on.
its a competition surrounding the theme
of luxury. i love being around people
that speak smart when it comes to
aligning their hearts + eyes.
i'm excited.


.......
i have fairly attractive hands.
minus a couple of small scars,
and my bitten cuticles (eww, i know)
they are close to flawless.

i think.

they look their very best when
they are not touching one another.
its the worst feeling when i look
down, and their sitting on top
of one another. i feel sick.
...and i don't really like myself in
that moment.

happy hands create a happy pam.
busy hands inspire a thoughtful pam

work
work
work

its sewing time!

monday treats...

i can hear the song better.



eyeballs are such a gift.
...and heartbeats too.

blurred buoyancy

twenty five

it means:
really trying hard to think before i speak.
...and not compromising uneasy insides for the comfort of others. ever.

learning to balance risk and risk management.
understanding that not everyone likes me...and not everyone should.

setting some goals for tomorrow, and perhaps even the day after that.
exercising. period.

honoring the blaring signs...
and above all...being. more. quiet.

a lot more quiet.

i can do this.

......

i am a quarter.

i have something.

and i'm okay with how it looks.

shiny and promising.

and they say...

that a child shall lead us.

http://tavi-thenewgirlintown.blogspot.com/

she. is. brilliant.
and colorful.

so fortunate to have such a combination.

learning the new.

he says that i'm complicated.
i say that i'm guarded.
he concludes that that is what makes me complicated.
and then he kissed me.

....
a lot of what he said is undeniable.
and as i began to offer aggressive
rebuttals, i had to quickly digress,
acknowledging their lack of validity.

"the world is yours...
you can either walk this way, where you have
only one destination (his home).
or you can walk that way where i'm sure you
have many potential destinations
(the general direction of my home)."


my romantic efforts are clearly not translating into
commitment. MANY DESTINATIONS?
that means a couple of things

1. something about me/my lifestyle suggests that
i have have many suitors.

2. he's in some way insecure when it comes to me/my
lifestyle.

i have chosen to give him my undivided attention.
...and i'm trying.

"you live in your head...want to share some
of those thoughts?"

i smiled, put my hands on my head, and broke eye contact.
i started staring at my boots.
"ummmm...thinking about my next move"

his hands slid down my hips as i stepped back.

i looked at him hard. its a new day, and new people are scary to me.
scary. iffy. suspect. i dunno...everything but safe.
a couple of months is a cute span of time.

.........

i thought for a moment, and i leaned in to kiss him

.........

i had to go home.
no need in bringing any further complications
into his personal space.

what it looks like when you chase the sun...

for you.

the hours go by...

tick.

tick.

tick.

you cannot find peace by avoiding life.

nicole kidman said so.

justice...

so i dunno that much about the group or their music.
i just know that i adored their single "dance"...
and the imagery with the video was pretty fun and exciting.

i have watched this trailer a couple of times...
and there is something about an illuminated cross...
and really happy people shaking a leg that makes me smile.

i want to watch the documentary when its released.

JUSTICE
by rockenseine

39th anniversary.

so i am extremely clear on why i am the way i am.
i believe that i can find one person to love and spend the rest of my life with.
it's only been recently since i've pretended like the idea is farfetched.
i've sat quietly when people denounced the whole institution of marriage...
i've even considered theories of it being archaic, and no longer properly
in sync with the agendas of today.

fuck today.

i've had an example

.......

okay...lets do this...how did you guys meet?

well...we were at a basketball game, and he was playing.
i was there supporting my boyfriend phillip. after the
game, this guy ricky came over and said 'zone, there
is this guy that really wants to meet you. he saw you
sitting in the stands. can you wait around for him to
come out the locker room to meet you?' and i said
'sure'.

MOM!!!! you said you were there to support your boyfriend...
that is shady....

i know...but phillip was two timing me...and i knew it.
it didn't matter...phillip has PLENTY of girlfriends.
anyways, i was curious. so your father
came and said that he noticed me sitting up there...and
just wanted to know if he could have my address so that
he could write me. i said 'yes'.

WRITING LETTERS? see, thats what i need mom. i don't
wanna talk to anybody...i hate talking on the phone.
WRITE ME A LETTER! i love that. so he wrote you?

yea he did...but here's the thing. that night i told him
that i was a senior, but i was really a junior. your
father was already a freshman in college, so i wanted
to seem older. when i got the letter, i decided that i
really needed to come clean. so i told him that i
was a junior....phillip and i were over by then.

you really are a mess to me right now. so many
ridiculous details that i never knew. okay...how
many letters were exchanged before you two
physically saw one another again?

...ummm. not many. maybe one or two. then
he asked if he could take me out. and i said
that i had to ask my mother. so mama said
that he could come over for a house visit.
so he came...and daddy preached to him the
whole time (*my grandfather was a preacher)...
so we sat there and listened. and then we
sat in a room and talked, with the door open.

GRANDADDY PREACHED? hahahahaaaa....
were you embarrassed?

...ughhhh yea! but i was in my parent's house...
so if daddy wanted to preach, then thats what
he was gonna do.

okay. so dad. did you know that mom was going
to be your wife? like immediately...?

ughhhh...yea.

really? you knew off break?

::pause:: well...no. but i was certain after about
a year...maybe less.

okay..and mom, how early in the relationship
were you hopeful that dad would be your
husband?

well pam, your father and i dated for 3 years.
i would say that i knew after i enrolled into
st. aug (my father was in his junior year, when
my mother attended as a freshman).

what character traits were you hesitant about
with one another?

...i don't get what u mean.

okay for example...like dad parties too much,
and you are sitting around in the house waiting
for him to come home.

::in unison:: oh noooooo....that was never an issue.

ugh. okay. lets sayyyyy...faith, you guys had
difference in faith, or were just on different
agendas altogether.

ohhh okay. well you know i grew up pentecostal
and your father grew up baptist.

MOM THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE! the only blip there
there is that your church services were 9 hours
and dad's were 2.

hahahahahahahaha! yea you're right. girl,
God's hand has been provisioning over our
friendship since day one. we've had fun and
its been good.

:::silence:::
its too perfect guys. i mean, did you ever have
lowlights....low years.

yes. definitely. but we always fought through it.
we fight...all the time.

mama, i love it when you say that.

****************

notes:
i paid attention to her family...and i really liked them.
they reminded me of my family

okayyyy....so thats cool. but what if they didn't?

well then, i'd probably have another story to tell.

my sister says: so much has been lost over the years.

i conclude: its a new day. everything is a mess.

*i need to start carrying a tape recorder around.

my heaven...

to my girls: intoxication made everything in technicolor. even sound.
to my boy: you're always on time.

i love you kids.

....

break my bread and give me my wine.
i stood there with my head back, eyes closed,
and my mouth wide open. i was eager
to feel the smooth tasteless wafer on
the tip of my tongue.

i waited.
and i waited.

nothing.

he had made the decision that communion
wasn't for me today. a man chose that for me.


today is the only day i've ever needed to
taste His body and drink His blood.
...and now i stand here with no alternative to
save my soul.

i am dying.

i begin to close my mouth...the salty tears
on my dry tongue are disgusting.

i'm completely empty.
and this aint holy.

come by my house. and drop off packs upon packs of halls cough drops. please.

i have officially been sick for five days now.

...and feeling this way is beginning to feel normal.

i'm acting normal, my habits haven't changed.

thursday: i went to work. roamed soho. went to see jdavey.
friday: i skipped work. went on a date (well...thats by no means is normal)
saturday: i went to work. went out to eat. laughed and drank.
...i laughed and drank after: sudafed, thefa-flu, and echinacea.
i'm brilliant. i know.
sunday: i woke up (thankfully). went to church. went to brunch. ran errands. cleaned. watched movies.

all of this is normal behavior.
normal behavior for me.

the worst part about all of this is how embarressed i get when i'm on the train coughing up my lungs, and everyone looks at me like a diseased leper. (mony b lingo)
somehow my throat knows when i am entering the threshold of train doors...and involuntarily all moisture in my throat evaporates, and i begin to believe that the idea of saliva and its purposes is some ancient myth.

magically, it ONLY happens on the train.

....

i'm considering walking across the brooklyn bridge to get home tonight.
no need in upsetting perfectly content subway passengers.
i'll be fine.
i'll just walk alone.

the big and small of it all

so much pressure
and so today i died.
and inherited a legion of idiot giants.
we met somewhere between the white clouds and the green tree tops.
green as in purple, of course.
some of the idiot giants hailed me as God...they understood that She lived in the sky.
but I am no God, I am merely...
one of them.
an idiot giant in my own right, yet the size of an infant in their eyes
they are always looking down in my direction, yet no one seems to really see me.

all me. now.

listless, lackadaisical loud lips learning literary life.

maniacal mastermind meddling, misguided, making mischief.

nomadic naysayers navigating natural narcissism.

overactive ovaries obliviously outpouring optimism.

passionate particularities powerfully propelling preference.

.......

that came quick.

but now i'm tired.

i do work...

i always show up on time.
rarely leave early.
when i'm mad, i actually think before i speak.
and i only gossip about once a week.

they like me because:
i'm black and tall.
i'm thorough.
i can generate hearty laughter.
i initiate "food runs".
i have single-handedly shifted the visuals.


they pay me for my ideas.
and i work hard for that money.








very hard.

it was all a dream!

pretty women. thunderous laughter. peaceful space. british accents. boca burgers. beyonce choreography. hand holding. pastel creations. relationship analysis. afro punk. tiona. sunday brunch. church clap. suggestive inquiry. barbie + deron. midday nap. wall-e/obama. atlanta revisited. nighttime stroll. color blind. locks + natural. astrology guru. 3am buzzer. unfinished business. quiet time. silent healing.
movie magic. different opinions. cameras clicking. hair braiding. pork + beans. missed calls. liquor + (his) wine. reconciliation meet-up. attitudinal behavior. sad + mourning. honest labels. static sitcom. rooftop fireworks. janelle monae. mon-qua. next level. scissors + skirts. class preparation. donwill. premature bedtimes. five spot. belligerent police. backseat emcees. jalylah's smile. eastern parkway. that boy.

............

if you're here tonight...please stand after hearing your name:

karla morrison.
pamela jackson.
kwesi abbensetts.
monique brantly.
grace sanders.

...everyone, please give these people a round of applause for being the best.

so smart.

go alone the first time (no need in feeling insecure about all of your emotions)...
and the second time...bring along 4 children, and 2 adults

celestial obsession.

dear petunia,

you stink dear.
everyone always talks about how they
wish to sit right next to you.
they think that your essence will
somehow jump from your pores into
theirs. they like what you give off.
i don't like it.
i would actually prefer to stay away.
not all the time...just most of the time.

someone suggested that i bring you home
with me the other evening.
i kindly declined.

the thing is, if you came, then you would
have wanted to stay...and its not that
you're not cool...you just stink.
its your core.
i try to stay fresh. i really do try.
your mere presence alerts me to stay back.
maybe its just a personal message for me.
...because people like you..they like
you a lot. and i can't lie, you're
beautiful to look at...i just can
only observe from a distance.

perhaps i'm being a bit vain.
how could i have not thought about
this before? maybe you don't like how
i smell!!! right? i mean, its apparent
that you're okay with what you
exude...so with me being different and
all...maybe you don't care for my
"odor". ...vanity, yet again.
maybe you don't care for my odor.

........

but if that were the case, then
you wouldn't keep trying to be close
to me all the time.
i want to say that i'm confused, but
i'm not. i get you.

i'll just watch you from over here.

sincerely,
cloud