all coming from the same place.

this is where i am. and you are not invited. (sorry)




............
her lemon colored dress reminded me of the sorbet that we ate
as children. i felt that she always deserved the final spoonful of our icy
treat. ... and she expected it. if i was as pretty as her, i would probably
expect it too.

grownups always admired her clean clothes and perfectly pressed hair.
no matter how carefully i ate my meals or constantly tugged at my
braids, i consistently looked sloppy when standing by her side. i could
never seem to keep my barrettes on the ends of my hair. i would
find them on the bathroom floor, in the laundry hamper, on the
stoop, in the flower bed. any and everywhere. i would even grab
extra barrettes in the morning, and replace my lost ones
throughout the day. i could never keep up. my plaits
demanded that at least one be missing.

my lack of a polished presentation annoyed me, but i understood
that i couldn't change. stains and mix-matching accessories
were who i was. and this was how i was measured...ranked even.
number two. i am sure that if i were apart of a trio, then i definitely
would be number three. my place was behind.

she wore lemon and i wore mustard.


....

on another note.
its kind of annoying when clients act shocked after
hearing my day rate. it is what it is.
and *WARNING*...with this recession biz...it just might go up.


tee hee.

....
1. i got a haircut. damn dominicans. yay eve (evenareya.com)

2. yoga is metaphoric for how i approach life.

3. he came to town. had a huge meeting. fed me. and flew away (within 8 hours)

4. i want to purchase an easter dress.

5. minding my business. gots lot to mind.

3:09

...arm's length away.

i like these boys.

safe space.

we take so many moments for granted.


nakey. from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

ohhh COME ON!

...i'll just sit here quietly and watch this on repeat.

i am smiling and swaying.

why is this so hard...

is this a purposeful business card? or more of a psuedo-art teaser?


i cannot seem to commit.

and i am asking the world for help.

please help.

i don't even know if this is effective.

whether or not i am trying too hard.

........

it makes sense to me.

the company is p.s.

and pamelashepard.com is my site.

simple. right?

granted, it lacks my title: stylist

+ my direct contact: number + email

BUT...all of that information is on the site.

should i assume that one would want to see

my work first?..which will require them to

view the site.

BUT what if they have already seen my work...and

just want to have a quick contact card for my info

on hand.



hmmm....

i live for mystery...(but i also need paychecks).

.............

according to monique business cards are "very 90's"

and they will be obsolete in no time at all.

i'm at about hour 3,453

my self awareness is at an all time high.
i literally can feel my when insides shift, and after
taking a quiet moment, i can pinpoint
the source of my mood change. in that
next second, i actively choose whether or not to sink
deeper into my oncoming spirit, or to dead
the disturbed uprising.

i am proud of this consciousness.

.....

self sabotage is real.
and fear is so powerful
that its best to not believe
in it. just make it a
myth. singlehandedly, fear
slows down my movement.

on two different days this week, i had the thought
"i don't want to be a stylist. its too much."

the responsibility is too huge and
the expectations are too daunting.

the thought was fleeting, but surprising
nonetheless.

......
i see it. i see where this is going.
and i am thankful for my sight.

...
tonight someone posed the question
"how does one tap into their potential"
i immediately thought .."you try"
and then you try again.
and then you try better.
and then you try.
and then you try again.
and then you try better.

and then there comes a point where trying
transforms into doing. you are no longer
attempting but properly executing.

trials elevate into commitment.
......

for me to become a great stylist, malcolm
gladwell says that i have to dedicate 6,547
more hours of work. i'll do anything malcolm tells
me to do.
..anything.

opening up.

i say seasons.



he says ascension.



for that alone i love him so much.



.....

don't attempt to understand us.

this memory is for keeps.

i said i wanna go somewhere.
he said montauk.
jim...kate... and me?!
it'd been a fantasy of mine for over 5 years now.
i happily complied.

.....

at twenty five

my body has changed.

i am more aggressive.

twitterpation hit me..and boys exist again.

i have discovered blueberries.

a fruitful season shift took place.

i am more self aware.

my family gets it.

my hands and eyes speak.

this heart has regained its proper posture.

babies DIG me.

i enjoy lying in the light.

i partner in precious friendships.

things have clicked.

i finally began to work. up until now i was either playing or asleep.

......
i am a quarter.

and i still have something shiny and promising.

we all do.

tropicana commercial

i was called in to assist for the tropicana commercial directed by peter arnell.
....its a big deal. this is my second commercial, but my first on
this level. andre leon talley is good friend's with the director, and was
present for the rehearsal fitting. (he liked my personal pull for the
yoga concept AND he liked my eyebrows...go figure).
i worked hard.

but i always feel like i can go even further.
be a bit more proactive and be prepared for the next.
.........

"ask your charming assistant, "smiley" over there, to go
pick up the margielas from bergdorf"

her sarcasm was comical...i wasn't smiling or even remotely
charming. not that i was the mean jerk in the corner
with a furrowed brow...i just wasn't performing.
...i was working.

its impressive to me how many of these people in this
industry work through performance. they work
with performance.

i am now understanding that my presence takes up a lot
of space...and that even in my subconscious (probably, more so
in my subconscious) i am affecting people.

i live in my head and show my thoughts.
sigh...i told monique that i have to force my presentation
at times. if i want someone to think that i am enthused
and excited...then i will successfully relay enthusiasm
and excitement. without a doubt. but its something that requires thought....
remembering.

remembering to smile.
my work persona is so drastically different.
.........

i have learned that i do not get inspired by forcing a look.
i get off on molding one.

a tribute for the ill

oh how

i wish to be

scantly clad

and tipsy

mid-day.

soon come.

soon come.


wide open from pamela shepard on Vimeo.
....

many of my memories shape my dreams.

hedon'tevenknow...

so the other day i assisted on my very first commercial.
as the young assistant i floated in with enthusiasm and
an eagerness to work. careful to not heavily engage in
the socializing on set...but also aware of not alienating
myself...i did my job.

assisting is an art.

you must be efficient, proactive, a problem
solver, able to negotiate, a good listener,
a memorizer, and most of all...capable. but not
so capable where anyone above of you has
been outshined.
overshadowed.
and momentarily forgotten.

that is uncomfortable territory.
(i've been told to watch the old film "all about eve")

i walked in and chuck amos said...
"you're a doll! i LOVE your hair"
that's equivlant to steve jobs entering your office, sitting down
at your computer and saying..."great system...who built this?"

...kind of. i could have presented a better anology...but whatever.

hugs, kisses, hugs, kisses, compliments, bashful smiles, la dee da.

"oh pam...thats the director of photography...he is so dope. his resume is insane...
my favorite work that he is done is with spike and julie dash"

the man standing before me is easily fifty years old.
about my complexion and my height....with a beautifully chisled...but not
intimidating, face. he looks at me, steps forward, reaches
down to shake my hand and says "good morning pamela"

bottom up.
freshly dingy white converse
slightly sagging worn denim (with an incredible fit)
a red plaid button up with a white tee peeking out from underneath
and this trench. the most beautifully cut khaki trench. it had no bells or whistles...just clean design.
his grey and black curls sat under his navy wool hat.

j. crew met yohji.

i've always imagined how my man would age.
he stepped out of my head and stood before me.

....
at the close of the day he approached me with a smile on his face.
he said "tell me your name one more time"
for a second time, i extended my hand to meet his "pamela"

judge me not. but i would happily be his mid-life crisis.

.......
http://xtranet.click3x.com/jobs/Runway/movies/Bet_riprw_30_sd.mov

blame me for the lady in blue.

something i think about...

i often wonder...

if i were another person...

would i notice my work?

......

does it matter pam?

perhaps.

depending on who i was.

painkillers speak.

if i can commit to a company for 2 years. then i can commit to myself for at least two months.

bare minimum.

his tagline reads:

do not mistake temptation for opportunity.

.....

i pray i played that card correctly.

today.

alexander wang actually replied.

...exhale.

my eyeballs have made it a rule...

i now cry at least once every single day.


Fifty People, One Question: Brooklyn from Fifty People, One Question on Vimeo.

a. this must be either park slope or williamsburg...mmhm...neo-bk

b. cops man...its scary. i told kwesi last night...everytime i am out with a man...and we pass cops...i always get tense.
i am generally on edge when i am alone, but the feeling is majorly intensified when i am with a black man.
i always want to walk perfectly between him and them.
i become genuinely scared.
i imagine the worst, and i hate that.

c. white folks and africa... idunnoman... refer back to observation a: neo-bk

d. i gotta get a camcorder.

e. love is a beast. and it still reigns supreme.

ea. she said a "new closet everyday"...YUM. then "breakfast"...she's my soulmate. and on top of it...rockin those COLORS...together forever.

eb. jesse from chicago...curls, touching his chin to think...looking off...sooooo endearing. love him too.

conclusion: people are damn cool.

we roam good.

we talk business.
outdoors.

business meaning: future, plans, ideas, visions, and men.

well...

i only have a strong opinion about the soundtrack and the way the movie is shot.

my eyes and ears were delighted...

borderline tipsy.

oh i am pleased.

this soul of mine is looking good.

at least it did last night.


thanks boy. from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

.......

it had been a while...our time together was refreshing.
i only yelled briefly.
and we found middle ground.
you got what you were looking for...
as did i.
we have the power to make magic.

thank you. and you're welcome.

highlights made possible by their bright lights.

night of january 17th

dad took an abrupt turn to show me the new outer addition on the house.
mom kept questioning how much i liked the renovations.
aunt celeste announced her onset of arthritis and the loss of her hair.
mom smiled and smiled continuously calling us her "negro children"
milan instructed me to meet her in adams morgan
kwesi gave me directions to his home to swing by.
monique got annoyed with my tone.
the perfect parking spot was achieved after 45 minutes
chico left.
i arrived.

chico text the word "chinchila"
milan walked in wearing one
ashland questioned whether or not i was on heroin.
monique and i hugged after my apology.
kwesi bought drinks.

i danced.
we all danced.

came home. ate leftover chili. watched snoop's fatherhood.

.....

evening of january 18th

carm gave me straightforward directions.
monique requested a detour to buy socks.
we pulled into a community that was built yesterday.
carm welcomed us into her massive starter home.
her taste level is high but never too much.
we made a food run.
carmen came to sit on the couch so i could lay on her.
as a trio we watched fantasia barrino's life story.

we went to the airport to retrieve three of my top favorites.
nina. robin. grace.
tasha was at the house waiting for me.
a decent fraction of my family had arrived.
the young grew up a little bit more.

we sat around and played mafia.

............

afternoon of january 19

chico text me to see if i was going
yes.
my sister held carmen tightly upon arrival.
carm squeezed back.
we were late.
a pitstop was made to purchase flowers.
delmar said he wasn't coming because he was out.
milan and ebony glowed as birthday girls should.
hugs and kisses
hugs and kisses
hugs and kisses
oh, surprise, felix was there too.
chico smiled and offered a sweet embrace.
we all ate.
we all talked.
we all laughed.
delmar came.

she said "he is still an important character in your play"
............

early morning of january 20th

seventeen bodies slept in my father's office monday night.
we engaged in the ultimate sleepover, collapsing on
comforters, sleeping bags, and coats. my chunky
knit scarf served as my pillow. i had a miserable
rest, but i still woke up with energy and an awareness.
this feeling set the tone...
my entire day was filled with energy and awareness.

i walked outside into an atmosphere. that cradled
us all in its calm and optimistic spirit.

............

meliha and sasha rock my world.
moreso sasha.

it is a good time to be alive.
it is a necessary time to work.

lets stay woke.