i'd be a fool to not pay attention

she said, loud and clear,

"do not work from a needy place.

it's desperate.

and when you really trust in your work,

you don't behave desperately."

....

ashe + amen.

e-pen pals

cool hunter introduced me to this guy.

everyone, meet pedro.
my new e-pal that lives in portugal.

after spending lots of time on his website,
i put together a collage for my design lovers
and sent out his work.

"who's heard of this guy?...he's mine!'

before leaving the house, i decided to send him an email
telling him how connected i felt to his work...and how
much i enjoyed that feeling.

i went out...got clothes...and returned to an email
that read:

Thank you so much, that words means a lot to me.
I knew your work/ website before, so its a really nice surprise your email.

Could i ask you something, how is to live in NY?

Thank you,
Pedro

whaaaa?
so of course i got extremely emotional and hyper.
i love that there are communities of folks that see one
another.

even when its hard to see...i will always have somebody.
somewhere.
that is a gift.

....

-the end.

rich (or lame) beautiful men

(titled by sunflower face)

lets talk about it
........

8:19 wasn't extremely late for our 8:00 date.
while walking up the steps to his building, i gazed
out past the holland tunnel exit, looking at the
river. pretty. he opened the door, grabbed me,
led me into the elevator, and pushed 2.

on the other side of the elevator door was a
real door. we stood in the elevator as he
got out his keys to unlock it. after exiting the
elevator shaft and entering his home
i stopped dead in my tracks. sounds funny, but
my first thoughts were
"wow..this is a mansion"...a mansion of
an apartment. i had a strong urge to politely
excuse myself...purchase an evening gown from
a nearby store....and quickly return with proper
attire.

i can't begin to imagine the square footage...i choose
to believe that this is a space where movies are filmed.
everything was so surreal...i felt like i was on a set.
it was a huge open space that housed a kitchen,
dining room, lounge area, and a sitting space.
with flat screens, amazing light fixtures,
plush couches, smart tables, massive paintings, huge
bay windows along the periphery of the room, and
stately statues strategically strewn about. my eyes became
intoxicated. i was amazed by how well arranged
and cohesive all the elements in his home came together.
well done.

without having to pee, i requested the whereabouts of the
bathroom. i just wanted to see the back of the palace...
the bathroom resembled the second bedroom in my apartment.


"welcome pamela"

i smiled, took off my shoes, and shimmyed
into the kitchen. as i sat cross-legged in
a throne (literally) across the room, i watched
him prepare our salmon. he's a
beautiful man...early thirties...stable
in his career...and genuinely into me.

none of this is new...we met last summer
and attempted to date. after i faded, so
did our communication. due to a recent inadvertent
reunion here we are a year
later...in a "mansion"...trying again.

.....

"enough about me..tell me more about you"

"i don't wanna go alone, i want to go with you!"

"i was signed...i modeled for years. you didn't know that?"

"high five for being so pretty"

"well...you do know that i play semi-pro right?"

"i tell my co-worker all the time, 'you should really think like me'"

"soooo what happened to us?"

"i mean really...i stand out as a leader in that group"

"i drive a saab, you've been in it right?"

"oh...women approach me all the time"

"do whatever you want in here, my space in your space"

"you are so young, and you have so much wisdom.."

"at this rate, i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have a kid before
i get married"

...........



thrones or not.

i can't.

...........

mom: you are so judgemental...you can't judge someone off the first date pamela.

quiet, irritated, inside voice pam: ...is it safe to judge him after the 10th date that
took place over the span of an entire year?

mom: you hear me talkin to you?

me: yup. i hear you. there is a backstory. i'll share it another day.

mom: no you won't.

she's probably right about that.

........

sigh.

my foresight is ill...

...i just KNEW that this was perfectly fine for a ten year old.

behind the scenes from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

yes yes...the song is problematic for a million + one reasons.
wanna know what else is problematic for a million + one reasons?

nike.
mcdonalds fries.
greygoose.
rich, beautiful men.
pollution.
dirty fingernails.
gossip goons.

...glad we covered that.

this video is gawgeous!

Kid Cudi - New Music - More Music Videos

oh me. oh my.

little dragon from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

revelation of the moment

i am not a workaholic.

...i just don't have an amazing work ethic.



the work just comes...it simply happens.

chance favors the prepared mind...luck is being prepared for an opportunity.

blah blah blah.

working on my discipline.

hello, i am a stylist.

a blue yawn

good morning buttercup.






no, no, you mean goodnight ladybug.




either one, both are good.

reunited.

i sat at the table doing everything in my power to not stare. stirred the sugar at the bottom of my drink, initiated conversations on instant messenger, added some arbitrary tasks to my "to do" list...i tried very hard to appear busy. he had already caught me looking at him twice, and i was feeling embarrassed. for some reason that i couldn't pinpoint back then, i chose not to rush out with my belongings and a bowed head. i stayed put.

moments later, i realized that he was working with his back towards me. as he prepared lattes, i happily watched him move. the swiftness of his turning around caught me off guard. i had no time to look away. as our eyes met a third time, i began to feel sensations. i had to speak.

"okay. hi. my name is pam, and i know i keep looking at you, and that's weird. i don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable,(pause) but you are perfectly beautiful. you are making me feel a certain way...and its not romantic or sexual...just really really good. i feel good looking at you."

pause

"okay. out of all the things i imagined you, or me, saying...this was not it. wow. wowwwww."

pause

"i know. its random. but i felt like had to speak. i feel really drawn to you...i feel crazy for saying this, but its like i know that you're good and about good things."

"i'm honored. truly. this is such a huge compliment."

"can we be in touch? i'm assisting as a stylist, and i am starting to work on my portfolio. i think it would be awesome to work with you. i feel so much when i see you"

"the funny thing is, i am very uncomfortable having my picture taken. i just finished interning at fader magazine, and they asked me to pose for some stuff, and it was kind of hard for me to do. but, i will give you my info, and we can talk about it. i'll try my best"

a week later we shot.
it is still one of my favorite projects.



we spent close to every day and night together for the next eleven months.
he yelled at me for still living in atlanta and not moving to ny to
seriously start pursuing my work. we look at one another now and comment on how much we've aged and ascended into new people. even with distance and over time, our spirits still speak clearly with one another.

......

four years later, i now know to never question what is sensational.

if i feel it...then it is good.
forever & always.

two weeks

temporarily lost my blackberry, broke up fights, went deaf in my right ear, glimpsed a potential car accident, inhaled salt water, suffered from sunburn, was diagnosed with swimmer's ear, shaved a chunk of skin out of my ankle, misplaced my atm card and id, had an emergency doctor's visit, listened to michael's funeral, argued with my father, paid $188 to rent a car for a day, lost my favorite sunglasses, watched stef lose her flip flops to the ocean, listened to my mother complain about how i make her tired.

it was a perfect two weeks.

mini and major me

l

o

v

e

previous responses:

january 9, 2008

i live for color and capturing moments.
documenting life through photos and or words excites me.
creating a marriage between text and a photo...
and telling a cohesive story is allll i want to do.

........

Everything I do has to come from an honest place, not to just sound good.
I know the power of art and I hate that it is wasted on empty messages
when so many people need the therapy that music can offer. I feel fulfillment
when I can capture a moment, or an idea, or an emotion in words.

......

self contentment and still having the ability to produce...my motive is the passion.
it feels good getting paid for doing something you love...and even you don't
break even...at least you got your name out there a little more.

........

I feel like I finally just found peace with WHO I am... now it's about fig. out
what I'm supposed to do. FASHION has always been a given since I can remember...
I live for life's ideals, life's luxuries, beauty in every form-
art/dance/color/sound/people/the unknown/the unusual.. I've always seen
fashion as this global entity that I wanted to be a part of...

........

in turn, the children inspire me to be patient, humble, innovative, and understanding.
they force me to be better as a child would be for their parents. i am reminded daily
that if i am not at my best, they are not at their best.

......

many are called, but few are chosen.

oh yea...

1. i was a brown child, and i now remember why.

2. i forgot how much i hate peeing while wearing a bathing suit.

3. spf on your lips help.

4. butterflies are harmless, spastic, but harmless.

5. let your body lead, and your feet follow

6. follow through is everything

7. board games are supposed to be a good time.

8. singing and giggling simultaneously is most fun.

9. handstands under water are far easier than headstands out of water.

10. joaning never gets old.

.......

14 y/o him: "yea, but she is like in her twenties right?"

moi: "yup."

14 y/o him: "oh okay, so she is married right?"

moi: "nope."

14 y/o him: "oh. that's weird."

moi: "is it? i'm in my twenties and not married."

14 y/o him: "yea...but you're like, busy."