today was the first day i saw it. when i flew to the virgin islands i noticed that deeper waters were different hues of blue. this is exactly what it reminded me of. her nipple was an island, the areola was sand meeting the waters, while the actual breast was where the depths of the ocean varied. i cringed. today i discovered that she has advanced breast cancer with threat to the skin.
"since my first chemo treatment, my skin now looks a lot better"
it doesn't look painful, just severely discolored. i suppose i cringed simply because i know that she is in pain.
she stood with her back facing me. her brown skin complimented her lavender capris. i studied her back. it was beatiful, even-toned, and smooth...even with the inch long scar in the dead center. mentally i associated that scar (10 years old) with her current pain.
"i think that a tumor must be pressing a nerve that is causing pain in my back"
i cringed a lot today.
he touches her breast, tells her to take deep breaths. he says that the depths of her water appear to be more shallow. she smiles and agrees.
"get dressed, and i will talk to you about some things in a moment"
well...i do not like the tone of his voice for one thing. and i actually already did not like him because he took a phone call from his other office immediately after entering the room.
"blah blah blah...a new drug....blah blah blah....we're changing your treatment....blah blah....heptaneu....blah....no side effects...just because we want you in remission asap"
she wants her body healed. she has prayed over the people that are treating her..both in the ability of their hands and the wisdome of their judgement. her faith is strong. i suppose mine lacks because i being with the questions...
"ummm, exactly how new is this drug?"
not that new...3 years, its just REALLY getting great reviews in the news and media
"and its just as effective in african american women?"
oh yeah...no racial differences.
i whisper a prayer over her decision to change treatments and walk with her to the chemo room.
God physically carries us in trying times. angels guide us according to His will. ancestors speak to us giving us the confidence to press on.
as she sits here, toxic chemicals enter her body one drip at a time. she reads, re-reads, and researches everything about these medications. her obedience and hunger for knowledge is inspiring.
sitting here with grandma's sweater, grandma's warmth is comforting her (literally, the side effect of this new treatment is chills). grandma is here.
so i do it in my mind, and if it is Your will, please just do it. let the cancer dissapate, let the white blood cells spread. let their roles reverse. let all tumors shrink. let her waters gradually begin to level.
....we gotta go wig shopping...