black girls...

it

is

okay

to

smile

back.




(encouraged even)

so clear.

1. i create work for me. its greatly selfish. if i don't like it, then i don't care to show the world.

2. listen.

3. i rarely alter myself for different people. i am who i am.

4. if it makes no sense to me, then i don't assume that anyone else will understand.

5. i am serious.

saturday night.1

Hi from Multitouch Barcelona on Vimeo.

super.

jenny holzer: truisms.

some of my favorites.



you owe the world not the other way around

using force to stop force is absurd

true freedom is frightful

teasing people sexually can have ugly consequences

strong emotional attachment stems from basic insecurity

spending too much time on self-improvement is antisocial

romantic love was invented to manipulate women

redistributing wealth is imperative

raise boys and girls the same way

people are responsible for what they do unless they are insane

people are nuts if they think they are important

nothing upsets the balance of good and evil

mostly you should mind your own business

leisure time is a gigantic smoke screen

knowing yourself lets you understand others

it's crucial to have an active fantasy life

it's better to be naive than jaded

in some instances it's better to die than to continue

if you have many desires your life will be interesting

if you can't leave your mark give up

....
more to come +++

eyes + ears meet.

...and i know that i can always work on my humility...

but i never think of myself as "just a little person"

hmmm...



jon brion ROCKS MY world (consistently)

synecdoche, new york. the movie.

(sung by deanna storey)

this just in

art and commerce's divorce rates are at an all time high.

not for me.

nope, not for me.

uh uh.

i'm dedicated to the boo and his (or her...depending on the day) bank account.

committed. for better or worse.

beacon of light.

http://www.myspace.com/tionamproductions


i don't recall how exactly we met...i just know that someone told me to find her.

...actually, many people said that she would serve as the perfect candidate.

at the time, i was looking for subjects for my documentary about how sexism affected the artwork that women produced.

a filmmaker would have served as a perfect addition.

she was 22 years old...and the direction that was moving in was blaring.

up. way up.

....
her dedication, wisdom, proficiency, and security inspires me greatly.

this documentary is a MUST see.

"black./womyn." 3min excerpt from tiona.m. on Vimeo.

support.

never. again.

i do believe in tapping out...and sometimes choosing not to be present.

escaping can be necessary.

and healthy.

......

friday 2am - saturday 8am was an imaginary block of time.

...i can only imagine.


perhaps i flew to rome with the rainbow wings growing out of my back.

or maybe i sat indian style on a cushy shag carpet.

then again, i could have been finger painting with molasses.


i'm not too sure.

friday 2am - saturday 8am was neither necessary nor healthy.

i can't even confirm my misery.

i'm just certain that saturday at 8:01am didn't feel so good.

my immediate surroundings were unfamiliar.

...and stained.

frightening.


......


water is a superhero.

it both cleans and purifies.

it equally meets the needs of both a shell and its interior.

amazing right?!

it just pushes the bad guys out of the way.

and you know what else?

its tricky and trippy.

....it can be a solid, liquid, or gas.


my new nickname is SPLASHY.

please address me as such.

fashion is perverse. he said.

go pam gooooooooooo. further. higher. lift that leg...and now the other. fly. because you can.

.......

the year that i was born is when he was assisting for french and italian vogue.

"i am a photographer, that can shoot fashion. i never aimed to be a fashion photographer. i am trained, i am creative, and i am good."

he is. good at least.


"juergen and i often talk about the proper formula for becoming successful. the answer is that there is none. although i will say, partnerships help. venetia changed
his life"

i propped myself in the windowsill of his 22nd floor apartment. he walked over to close the window, explaining that it makes him nervous when women sit so high up next to open air.

"pamela, its been a very long time. you look different. last time i saw you, i was still with my girlfriend. ugh, that woman. soooooo long ago"

he asks that i wait for a moment while he finishes tinkering with the images projecting over his two massive monitors. i sit and look at the table filled with the comp cards of prepubescent models. his two packs of cigarettes. his stark white sheets. his bookshelf filled with equipment. his shiny hardwood floors.

"i'm so tired of this. i am not this young generation, and i will not pretend that i am. i can't just shoot any old thing. i am tired of shooting these young girls that haven't yet lived and can't convey life experience. there are few that i believe. ...sure i have crushes on them, big crushes..but that's physical, it has nothing to do with my work. "

silence

"my two biggest advertising clients went bankrupt. my major parisian magazine that i worked for has a new editor-in-chief, and she is bringing in her own teams of people. work that has sustained me for years has now collapsed. i have no clue how to move backwards and start over. i don't even remember what the beginning looks like."

silence

"when i saw your email and you said that you want your images to provoke a deeper conversation...those words struck a chord with me. i am so done with this industry. i just want to create good work...and not be alienated because its not some baby girl
that has no tits looking drunk under a high flash"

i said "word. so moving forward what are we shooting?"

"get clothes. and let's make a story. i'll get us a believable model. and she will know how to speak english...or at least french. jesus, i love the look of the russians, but if i get sent another girl that can't utter her name i will pass out. and no egos. i am so tired of all these insecure crazies. i am not using that german girl for hair again...i could care less if you styled for the last miu miu show. these people are so stupid. so yes. you get clothes and that's from where we will move forward."

"sounds good to me"

"but wait. question pamela..."

"yes?"

"what is your background?"

"ummm, in regards to what?"

"where are you from?"

laughing. "oh. well my parents are from north carolina" laughing harder "i am from maryland"

"oh. ...you're just american, american"

"yup...that's just what i am. i suppose i am so much so that you have to say it twice"

he laughed. kissed my cheeks. and watched me walk down the hall.

margiela + louboutin...for work.

"my life isn't lavish...

and i am not in the business

of pretending that it is"

- pamela shepard

....


i am comfortable. (for now)

middle ground.

he said: because i love old new york. people were so hungry, and everything was much less contrived.

i said: what is that about? it's crazy you're saying this, because i have had this reoccurring thought this past week. we're always trying to recreate the past...we want stuff to resemble how things once were. we all do it all the time.

he said: hmmmm

i said: like the stevie wonder party, everyone talks about how much better it was last year. and the year before that. and the year before that. we are always comparing to how things were before. complaining because everything was so much better back then. WAS IT SO MUCH BETTER? i dunno...

he said: i think the future is scary.

i said: hmmmm

he said: there is something wholesome about the past. we can identify with it because we have lived it.

........

... from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

that jumpsuit.

Judy Holliday (June 21, 1921 – June 7, 1965) was a Jewish-American Academy- and Tony Award-winning actress best known for the screwball comedy Born Yesterday and other films. She had a distinctive and endearing New York accent and persona. In 1952, she was called to testify before the Senate Internal Security Subcommittee to "explain" why her name had been linked to Communist front organizations. In spite of her 172 IQ,[2] she was advised to play dumb (like some of her film characters) and did so.[citation needed] She used this technique to avoid giving up names of people she knew to be Communists. Holliday experienced blacklisting during the anti-communist witchhunts of the 1950s and died of cancer in 1965 at the relatively young age of 43.

"You have to be smart to play a dumb blonde over and over and keep the audience's attention without extraordinary physical equipment."



brilliant film.
folks used to write + folks used to act.

........
*it's amazing what black and white films teach you about color.

precious.

"so how did you and uncle joe meet?"

..."girl, in the club. its not there anymore, but
we met at tremors in north raleigh"

"this is getting redundant...i have been here 4 days, and you are the
3rd person to talk about meeting her husband in the club.
hilarious.."

"girl yea. i met my man dancin. and you know what else??"

"what?"

"i knew that he would be my husband that very night. i told my girlfriend"

...

we sat on the porch as she smoked. my aunt wilma. hails from puerto rico
with her baby face, wide eyes, friendly smile, and wavy, grey streaked hair.

...she's cute, i too would have noticed her in a crowd.
...


my folks are my friends.






.....

eb wanted me to come to adam's morgan.

milan wanted me to meet her for happy hour.

mom and dad invited me to run to cvs, return the movie to redbox, grab water ice, and CRUISE.


now you tell me how my night unfolded.

quimby the jerk.

Quimby The Mouse from This American Life on Vimeo.

i kind of hate him.

my folk.

:) from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

..from a distance...

when you meet someone that

a. doesn't let you slip away after you begin to squirm

b. speaks honest intentions from day 1

c. shares your thoughts

d. pushes you to produce

love them HARD.
...not just because they are loving you,
but because they simply deserve it.

we started over a year ago.
...and we are still progressively getting better.

i have so much control.

1. don't chase the money.




2. understand that your work isn't for everybody.




3. if the project doesn't resonate with you, don't do it.



4. only showcase the work that you believe is worthy of an award.

tonight was so sexy.

i strolled out of my house to make the
9:00pm yoga class.










the teacher ended class
saying "ummm, that was delicious"

speaking of holy...

today ryan was baptized.

..and not baptized like aunt pam at 7:
7am "mom, i think i wanna be baptized today."

"really pam? why?"

"ummm, its just time" (signal #1 the child is shuckin and jivin, the vague, deep, but not deep at all response)

pause. pause. pause. "well, we'll see how you feel in service"

"yup, i'm doin it"

little pam, goes to church, and sleeps the entire service.

end of service.

mom rubbing me on my back.

"ummm, pam. its call to worship. but i don't think you're..."

"oh no mom. i'm going"

wipe the sleep out of my eyes, hop up. walk down from the balcony.

march to the front. join church.

so sad. i should be really embarrassed by that story.

ryan, on the other hand, is 15. as he told me this morning
"i am a mid-teen. its rough here. i'm not a kid, and i'm not grown."

he's right...he is exiting childhood and growing up.
thinking independently. moving in his own time. and making decisions
for himself.

....
wanna see/hear/feel some more religion?

When I Grow Up from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

i BELIEVE in her.

dey

.