a little brown gray haired birdie told me....

"Anything is permissible but not everything is profitable or beneficial for you- sure you can do what whatever you want- but everything is not for your good" ....what a brilliant baby!"
-thank you k.m.

..............

yesterday i was told that i am not that good at what i do. it rattled me. but i heard him loud and clear.... "styling is a lot about negotiating...and even more about listening....you are responsible for EVERYTHING in the picture frame". feeling like i already knew everything he said...i stood quietly and listened. today, i want to shoot. today i want to be better at what i do. i will.

today Mr. Clean died...

no one really seemed to notice. most of us continued along our daily routine...
either coming or going. i glanced down at the ground and saw a candy wrapper...
odd.

........
he had noticed me before we formally introduced ourselves.
i think i saw him too. not for certain.
"oh i'm retired...this is where i come to hang out everyday"
his army green members only, and olive green shirt and raggady
pants led me to assume his past profession. however, i chose to
inquire..."where did you work?"
"served in the army. worked as a reserve. worked with the bank,
doing security. and then i did security for this other place that's closed
now."
i know. i knew.
"it all paid off. i got a lot of money, and i am living off of it now. so yea,
in the middle of the day i come down here to hang out.
....ya'll gotta wear all black in there?"
he knows?
"yes sir, i believe that it is policy now."
"i know. you do visuals for mens. saw you the other day"
guess i don't see everyone that sees me.

"look at mr. clean...that man does a good job. a GOOD job.
i call him mr. clean, cuz you never see nothin layin round here..."
"yea, he has an awesome work ethic".
i have no work ethic. none.
he knows.

i told him that it had been a pleasure speaking with him, and that
i looked forward to seeing him again. as i rose, i walked past
mr. clean, smiled, and hoped that one day i would acquire
such self discipline.

...........

we all emerged from underground utterly disgusted.
the air stank.
"GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY"
sorry mam..."NAH FUCK YOU...YOU MOVE!"
she forcefully bumped me of out of the way.
i stood there, stuck, trying to think of my next move.
my eyes were low, watching her boots continue
to hit the pavement. brown popcorn kernals were stuck
on the bottom of her left boot, and a used condom under
her right.
she was so ugly.
i hated her.
she disappeared.

i climbed the remaining steps, and pushed through
people with the guidance of the devil.
my heart was cold. my body was heavy and tense.
i stormed down the sidewalk, seeing nothing but colors
whizz by me. why was everyone moving so damn slow?
i glimpsed his jacket. different shirt. different pants.
he wore his members only on top of a white button up and
slacks. it all looked familiar.

kicking papers, half eaten burgers, dingy t-shirts, and a
trash bag itself i pushed through people to move closer...
it was getting harder and harder to get close to him.
i stood still. screaming at him i said...
"HEY! WHY ARE U WEARING MR. CLEAN'S CLOTHES?
even though there were dozens of people between him and i,
i still felt him looking at me.
"i killed mr. clean. but you already knew that"
............

different space. same time?

last night was the first night i felt at home here.

in these past 3 weeks, i have been moving at a
pace that won't allow me to miss too much of
anything. my eyes are fixated on two goals:

1. getting a full time job WITH BENEFITS...
under the creative umbrella of fashion.

2. staying in touch with the director of
my desired program at parsons, and
continously working on my papers.

it doesn't matter that i don't have a car
to hop in and make a run to see family/
friends. it doesn't matter that i can't
hit him up, and meet him in a matter
of minutes in little 5. IT DOESN'T
MATTER THAT I NO LONGER ALWAYS
KNOW WHERE I AM GOING. it doesn't
matter that i am now the last one to
get the updates that everyone else has
known for weeks.

it's all totally irrelevant.
none of this brings me any closer
to my career and grad school.
however...
being here...being lost....being lonely
does.

..........
last night was dosa's art show.
there has never been a time where i truly
felt like i was 'missing out' on something.
i badly wanted to transport myself to
atlanta for one night by a blink of an eye.

the four of us walked about 2 blocks up.
all of last night reminded me of my
fondest moments from atlanta.
the music. the sweat. the beautiful people.
the art. the creativity. THE LOVE.
for the first time it all felt right.

the timing was personal.
(or at least, i took it that way).
~thanks.

balance (mark 25)

within me...i host both good and evil.
according to the st. savin, its not that we're not all tempted...
its simply how we control ourselves.
today i wonder how much i am in control.
what is fueling my motives right now?

is this whole mission 'by any means necessary'?
yes. no.
......

i have been given gifts.
one being my vision.
i see beauty.
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'
i get this. i truly get this...i try hard to live by it now.
i may not always feel like
being honest. it can be exhausting,
annoying, painful, even hard.
so i guess i choose not to look.
but when i do look, i always know what
is beautiful and what is honest.

....i gotta stop being lazy.

.........

lately i have been seeing myself everywhere...
in everybody. this city has a different pulse.
the other day, we played a game where we
people watched and guessed whose occupations
were what.
he said librarian, i said stripper.
he said bum, i said professor.
he said investment banker, i said investment banker.
so i sat and thought...i wonder how people
may receive me. what would they guess i am?
....there is NO telling.
being here, i feel above no bad situation...but then again
i feel worthy of everything grande. i can glimpse
a blind homeless person and see me. i then can
turn and watch the stylist on set, and see myself
again. i am not a very judgemental person...*ahem*
i try not to be a very judgemental person...but being
in this city i feel like i understand how any person
got to where they are (or seem to be). it all seems
justified.

..........

"i have two pockets, each contains a piece of paper with
writing on it, but i only put money in my left pocket," he
said in reply.

"on the piece of paper in my right pocket, i wrote:
i am nothing but dust and ashes. the piece of paper
in my left pocket, where i keep my moeny says:
i am the manifestation of God on Earth. Whenever I
see misery and injustice, I put my hand in my left pocket
and try to help. Whenever I come up against laziness
and indolence, I put my hand in my right pocket and find
I have nothing to give. In this way, I manage to balance
the material and spiritual worlds."

............
update: paulo coelho asked that i marry him.
instinctively, i smiled and SCREAMED. i do.
:)

excuse me miss...under 18 or over 18?

i really believe that i am not getting older.
i still see myself rollerskating down the street in a thunderstorm at 12...
i see my mom, sister, and i sleeping together in the BIG bed at 14....
i definitely still dance the same from 'little feet' days...that was 8...
dorthea and i screaming at one another at 10....
me being a serious athlete at 16....
wearing thick head bands and wayyyy too many bangles at 18....
SAME ME...now at 23.
i am 23 years old.
wow.

when coming up from the subway, a man passing out flyers asked...
"are u under 18, or over 18?".....i should have simply hugged him.

..................

true faith brings peace.
no complaining...no stress....no worry...NOTHING.
just quiet peace.
this feels right (for once).

the hoodie game...

....we start early....

how to make it count...

1. .. delayed gratification.. get over it... the best things are worth the wait.. worth the hard work.. and not worth cashing in early...

2. .. dont be to proud to embarrass yourself

3. .. show that u can help yourself.. and others will fall in line to help you

4. ... every opportunity is a moment to change the world.. u dont have to be "on the job".. if you say u are about something than be about it....

-thank you grace louise...

yes!

"vision without action is a daydream.

action without vision is a nightmare."

-japanese proverb

me likes....

One Art
One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

atlanta was...fulfilling. i suppose. no...it was.

hmmmm updates....
sianara bronner brothers.
today is my last day.
can't wait to meet nina next week.
and after that????
i head to NY with a plan...
yea, brooklyn welcomes me with open arms.

no job.
a place to lay my head.
no outstanding amount of money.
i am a little nervous...but really excited.
i know...i will have to work hard for this.

....here we go...

i think i'm in love....again.

rainbow is HERE!
she has a new name...
nina grace.
(DOPE SON!)

ny round 2

"God this is the direction that i wish to move in...
i am now moving this way with all of my might...
if this is not where you want me to be, place stumbling blocks in my path..."

recap.
got to hartsfield at 2pm.
airtran line is wrapped all around the north terminal.
got sold the 8 something flight.
security checkpoint lines are CRAZY.
get to my terminal.
go to paschals...find a fly in my salad.
sit tight.
i despise laguardia so i am plotting how i can NOT arrive at that airport.
my flight is pushed back because a newark flight is flying out of our terminal.
YAY...the hustle begins.
airtran workers shut me down saying that the flight is closed.
pilot speaks up, and says that there are seats available.
hang around....somehow...someway...end up on the newark flight.
NICE!

indian woman to my left...white woman to my right.
take off.
over two hours have passed announcement comes
"laguardia had a black out today...so all passengers have been transported to newark.
there are horrible weather conditions in newark..and there is heavy runway traffic.
we are running out of gas, and are going to pittsburgh to refuel".
whoa.
11pm.
we deplane.
pittburgh terminal...
indian mom is on my cell phone.
white mom and i are sharing my orange.
replane.
missing folks...vietnamese man got left :(
take off.
53 minute flight from pittsburgh to newark.
circling becuase of runway traffic.
finally land.
I AM IN JERSEY. YES.
1:30am.

calling all local hotels.
everyone is booked because laguardia folks had to stay somewhere.
newark airport is mad busy this time of the morning.
i go to buy my NJ transit ticket. (all so new for me)
lady says..."noooo! your train just left at 1:55"
my cell phone reads 2:05
i say "thats cool...when is the next one?"
her face drops..."this is the break in the morning. 4:45 am"
blown.
"is there any other way i can get to penn station?"
...take this train...to that train...to newark penn station...take the path...
"ummm, is that safe. i am not from here...are there gonna be a lot of folks traveling?"
"u stay here and wait for the 4:45"
yes'm.

go downstairs.
stumbling blocks?
madddd confused.
call karla. call grace.
pop open my bible...get to reading.
wrap up in my carry-on.
set my cell to 4:35am.
i pass out.
woke up around 4am.
turn off my alarm.
walk back towards where the train comes at 4:45
same lady comes down the escalator...
"i thought u had left."
"nah, u told me to stay. i just slept for a second."
"soooo...are u taking the 4:45"
"yes mam. i set my alarm. i'll be up there at 4:45"
"NO baby. u gotta get to the railink by 4:45. nothing comes here. u need to hurry up and make ur way there now! hurry. take the p4...get off....get back on...go down to the railink. it will be there at 4:46. go!"
why?

i make it to the railink at 4:42.
train is packed with construction workers.
geez. i only like attention sometimes.
i sit by an italian guy that keep smiling at me.
don't look at me sir.
10 minutes pass...
"how was your flight?"
"fine"
"where u coming from?"
i turn my head slightly...sir...i really don't wanna talk
"atlanta"
"OH I LOVE ATLANTA"
...calm down.
he learns my final destination.
tells me what line to catch.
"brooklyn? bedstuy do or die....thats my old stomping grounds!
take the c-line all the way to kingston and throops"
we get off the train.
he proceeds to walk me where i need to be.
thanks sir. (no a genuine thanks)
5:26am
c-line arrives.
desolate.
sooooo many men keep staring.
too tired to be uncomfortable.
man begs everyone for money.
i pretend i'm sleep.

6am...i emerge from down under.
its a new day.
neighberhood is waking up.
skies are beautiful.
the old men drink their coffee and nod.
the garbage man drives by slowly giving me a thumbs up.
i feel revived.
walking down throops.
turn down macon.
old man standing in a dress shirt with no pants.
too happy to be concerned.
karla stands in the doorway waitng for me.

AND THEN IT BEGINS...
*two interviews
*one with 4 managers. one with the VP of academic technology
*i feel mad pretty.
*i am unapologetically me
*no fear (thanks God)
*i like my presentation. i like my answers. i'm likin this....
...then i meet my competition. wow. equally qualified white boys with the same agenda.
'lets work at the school so we can be educated for free'
*insecurity
*GO AWAY insecurity!
*clearly state my goals/aspirations.

and thats that.
"so glad you made it. you'll hear from us by tuesday!"

meet up with karla.
go to the subway.
penn station.
newark.
airport.
7:59 flight turns into 10:54
welcome to atlanta.

*help to release this. i have done my part...and its out of my hands.
never was in my hands....
...whew.
i'm tired.

feelin shiny....

cartwheel races...water ice...hot pink (so cool, the color gets two words), puffy skirts, slap bracelets, southeast lollipops, r. l. stein, parasucos, thick headbands, round frames, polo jackets, salute your shorts, lipsmackers, BBD (bel biv devoe tapes), beads, rolled up jeans, funakty munkaty, motions babysitters club, finding the green stone, new speedos, 13208 northgate, bel pre, bad double dutch, dominique dawes, dog tags, braids, baby hoops, l.a. gear, sparkles, stencils, now or later (NOW), dive roll, musa, ms. woo, kmart training bra, surgery, flame, dorthea, chuck brown, MASH, just for me, to hell with dying, jc penny, aau, go hoyas, flannel, champion, bigger!, hunka bunka chunka, bongo, jordans, claires discovery, bodysuits, clarissa explains it all, NICKELODEON!, peroxide and kool aid dye, jade green toes, cheetah, huffy, lock-it, roller skates, pecan tan, power, gloworm, guess triangle, polly-o string cheese, jelly belly gourmet, katie L, gymanstics, matt, booger king, pleasure!, penny drop, kickball, red voit, usa sweatpants, stride rite, lake kneedwood, towel weave, scarred legs, bike rides, the creek, crawfish, sledding, trash can tops, forts, long division, gifted AND talented, ms. christianson, baklava, gina, greece, kwanzaa, side twist, ucb, community centers....

shifty seasons...

u betta WORK gul....

2 peter 1:4-10
4 whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
5 and beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
6 and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
7 and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
8 for if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall never be barren or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
9 but he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from old sins.
10 wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election for sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:

its a sweet combination
diligence...faith...virtue...knowledge...temperance...patience...godliness....kindness...charity (love)...hmmmmm. yea, do better.

.................

this dream was pretty. a rich color palette. it was actually quite outstanding...some parts were in gray/black/white...but those were just the buildings. awesome shading. but outside of that...everything else was deep and vivid in color.

marcia jones and i were sitting in an office building. we sat in front of huge windows and gazed out at the gorgeous cityscape. the sunset was a teal/aqua blue, and even though the imagery resembled water, i still knew that it was a sunset. we sat there quietly lost in our thoughts. in an instant, an entire block of buildings shifted and completely blocked the sunset. it felt like the buildings slyly attempted to move over while i was caught blinking. i got scared. i jumped up, running the length of the room to try to peep around the buildings to glimpse the sun (clearly, i am miles away from the buildings). marcia and others looked shocked, but didn't too much react. all color outside of my immediate space had turned to black and white. i left everyone and ran out the room, anxious to get outside. i was too fearful to take the elevators so i ran down 15 stories. in a flash i was outside of the building, and ran out in the street and fell to my knees.

i prayed. and prayed. and prayed.
i prayed a unfocused prayer.
just screaming random praises to God.
i began to cry.
thinking of all the evil i had done.
then i smiled thinking of all i had helped.
it really was an accelerated moment of madness.
i had fleeting moments of a number of different emotions.
i then began to cry profusely because i knew God.
regardless of my behavior...God loved me...
then i began to praise my parents for stressing the
need for a personal relationship with God at such a young age.

it involved a lot...but probably was all of 10 seconds.
my body (and brain) was constantly moving...one position,
kneeling on the ground.

i then hopped up and began to walk up a slight hill...
at the top of the hill was a huge yard will with people in lawnchairs.
everyone was fixated on this huge screen that was projecting....something.
i never actually saw it. the entire time, my back was to the screen.
i saw my friends...they saved me a seat.
but i was too nervous to sit down.
i was concerned that everyone was watching...a movie i guess....when
moments earlier buildings moved...kinda like people do...to block out the sun.
milan was there. carmen. and a friend of carmen's.
there were only 2 seats left....
so i walked away, leaving them to find another seat for the person left out.

i walked away from the screen.
i walked away from them.
...and just kept walking...

*i woke up hot*
................

i got invited back for round 2 of the job interview at parsons.
woo hooo...
ny trip 2. (God's willing) tuesday....

..................

i need a sponsor for my life.
any takers?

ny day 2

day 1 was dope.

came in....
got to bedstuy....
sat down...
finished my letter of intent....
cooked dinner....
went to party with bobbito in the park (auc is everywhere...i can dig it...well, yesterday i could)

saw one of the 2 white boys at morehouse on the bus .....(he likes us, i figure)
came back home....
ate strawberries and whipped cream....
pranced and danced....
mapped out my route to the upper east side...
did my hair...(yes! it does take doing)
went to sleep....

now day 2.

the girls left me alone....
got up....
updated my portfolio...
spoke to non-enthused mom....
showered....
got dressed....(pretty snazzy if i may say so myself)
packed a bag....
left the house...
took a million trains to 91st...(okay only 2, just felt long)
arrived ridiculously early....
went to central park....
watched a duck....
went to the cooper hewitt museum....
met with the program director....
interviewed and defended why i want my masters from parsons....(to build my empire...DUH)

sat in a methodist church on park ave (beautiful architecture)....
came to union square....
ate sushi from dean and delucaa (random, i know)...
and that now brings us to the present.

- i feel mad dull right now
- i wish i had my own apartment to go to and crash right now
- bk boys...right up there with my ATLiens...yum
- chill out pam...ur here for a millisecond to what?....lets say it together
secure your future!

ha.

...its okay....

the NEW....and its okay!

....as i see it....

be still my beating heart

there is truly an uncomfortable balance between being anxious for nothing and steadily moving in a progressive direction. you can't be so lax that nothing is getting accomplished...and you can't rush rush rush into everything. i'm uncomfortable. i am ready for the NEXT in my life...next job....next home....next car(HA)....next man (1 guy consistently). but then i know that i am NOT ready for so much. i am so off. *sigh*
.................

this is such a humbling season....i feel like i'm literally being broke down. ya know how on cartoons the big guy holds the little ANGRY guy's forehead to avoid getting hit from his aggressive jabs in the air. yea, i'm that little guy. get this....my mom said "well you might need to find out the bus schedule so you can get to work"...(montgomery county, maryland pam coming out)...."FOR WHAT?"....."pamela...you've totaled your car, do you have another option?"
"i mean..."....yea. no real other concrete options.
i feel really dependent...and its close to painful for me.
but i gotta be honest with me, through all of this, there are no real complaints....a bit of melodrama, but no complaints. everything of importance is taken care of. from whom much is given...much is expected. and i GOT A LOT! always time to work!
...........

its time to go about some things differently, because clearly certain tactics are not being effective. THINK pamela.

...........

live in truth (do better)

...........

big ups to eric jabari bell (!?!?!)

we must destroy before we rebuild...

yo. word up.
i'm a christian.