wisdom.

cody chesnuTT @ 09snstjnctn from preAMP+ on Vimeo.

some people are just so remarkably consistent.

they don't have to be in your face all day every day.

because when they show up...they show up!

and so She said

"the light cancels out darkness all the time,
and that is the premise that we have to live by.
that is my encouragement"

.....

i often speak in terms of light...and today i understood
that its not original thinking on my behalf. the presence
of my mother has shaped me. i submit to this fact.

my cousin is suffocating, and is in a space where its a
challenge for her to breathe. her vision is blurry
and her speech is muffled. she has temporarily
misplaced her source. her mother just died
and she opts to sit alone. with shades drawn and
no communication she is pushing away those that
love her. shoving, not nudging, screaming, not speaking.

the mind is a deep deep cavern.
it has the power to make you feel brilliant and sharp.
as well as terrifyingly outside of sanity (perhaps all in the same day)
...in between we float along, subconsciously navigating
where we wish to rest.

.......
if she is close, hug and kiss her.

if she is far, send love her way.

give thanks for mamas.

shut DOWN.

"mannnn ma, i'm tryna have some babies..."

silence

"be quiet pam."

.....

did she play me?

yes.

was i serious nonetheless?

again, yes.

contradictions for days.

lean not unto your own understanding...

1. its for the birds

2. its a huge waste of time.

.....

the one thing that we must do is:

keep moving.

(unless is time to be still)

i learned it in the 7th grade

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

....paul laurence dunbar

i was sooooo deep in ms. kelly's class.
i loved the language then...and got particularly
excited when i recalled the words today.
......

this morning i heard the words:
IF YOU FAIL TO BE TRANSPARENT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THEN
YOU WILL NEVER ACHIEVE INTIMACY.

...oh how we all enjoy intimacy.
the moments of an exchange.

get worthy.
stay worthy.

saturday night i am booked

PSA: Free from Karen Abad ♥s Dinosaurs. on Vimeo.

...this is really going to take me to the next level.

THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!

therapy...finding my delight.

tonight.
i sat on my stoop to eat dinner.
a cat welcomed himself to join me.
at first i was angry at him and
told him to leave.
then he laid down.
so i then decided to not be angry,
and chose to be nice.
he sat at the bottom.
and i sat at the top.

he left.
and i tried to meditate.
well, actually, i had tried earlier, but my phone rang.
i was relieved + and answered it.
we hung up.
the had cat left.
so i tried again.

breathing is such a gift.
time moves when i get still.

i'm always proud of myself
when i take time to listen to myself.

i then came upstairs and did this.
















i like it.

shep!

yesterday i was remarkably transparent.

today i was difficult to read.

similar crowd. no drastic change of environment.

....

he used to tell me

"you're consistently inconsistent"

back then, i honestly believed that i had masterfully set aside all of my good JUST for him.

wanting to be both perfectly supportive and cute at all times.


looking back, i can only come to two conclusions:

1. i was so disconnected from my insides that i didn't recognize disappointment from adoration.

or

2. he was a soothsayer...

........
(mumbling)
or maybe its #3...
i was young and open.
and he got me for who i was.
who i am.
who i was.
who i am.
........

it continues...

it ALWAYS continues.

it all counts.

its all very tricky
when you are not paying attention.

when woven into the lives of those
around you...it can sometimes feel
as though what's theirs is yours.

...not the case.

the confusion is understandable.
the confusion is a nuisance.

what's mine is mine.
i take that to bed with me at night.
what's theirs is theirs.
they wake up with that in the morning.

the web is only tangled if we mistake
where the lines cross.

.....

my anxiety is low.
my persistence is high.