all coming from the same place.

this is where i am. and you are not invited. (sorry)




............
her lemon colored dress reminded me of the sorbet that we ate
as children. i felt that she always deserved the final spoonful of our icy
treat. ... and she expected it. if i was as pretty as her, i would probably
expect it too.

grownups always admired her clean clothes and perfectly pressed hair.
no matter how carefully i ate my meals or constantly tugged at my
braids, i consistently looked sloppy when standing by her side. i could
never seem to keep my barrettes on the ends of my hair. i would
find them on the bathroom floor, in the laundry hamper, on the
stoop, in the flower bed. any and everywhere. i would even grab
extra barrettes in the morning, and replace my lost ones
throughout the day. i could never keep up. my plaits
demanded that at least one be missing.

my lack of a polished presentation annoyed me, but i understood
that i couldn't change. stains and mix-matching accessories
were who i was. and this was how i was measured...ranked even.
number two. i am sure that if i were apart of a trio, then i definitely
would be number three. my place was behind.

she wore lemon and i wore mustard.


....

on another note.
its kind of annoying when clients act shocked after
hearing my day rate. it is what it is.
and *WARNING*...with this recession biz...it just might go up.


tee hee.

....
1. i got a haircut. damn dominicans. yay eve (evenareya.com)

2. yoga is metaphoric for how i approach life.

3. he came to town. had a huge meeting. fed me. and flew away (within 8 hours)

4. i want to purchase an easter dress.

5. minding my business. gots lot to mind.

3:09

...arm's length away.

i like these boys.

safe space.

we take so many moments for granted.


nakey. from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

ohhh COME ON!

...i'll just sit here quietly and watch this on repeat.

i am smiling and swaying.

why is this so hard...

is this a purposeful business card? or more of a psuedo-art teaser?


i cannot seem to commit.

and i am asking the world for help.

please help.

i don't even know if this is effective.

whether or not i am trying too hard.

........

it makes sense to me.

the company is p.s.

and pamelashepard.com is my site.

simple. right?

granted, it lacks my title: stylist

+ my direct contact: number + email

BUT...all of that information is on the site.

should i assume that one would want to see

my work first?..which will require them to

view the site.

BUT what if they have already seen my work...and

just want to have a quick contact card for my info

on hand.



hmmm....

i live for mystery...(but i also need paychecks).

.............

according to monique business cards are "very 90's"

and they will be obsolete in no time at all.

i'm at about hour 3,453

my self awareness is at an all time high.
i literally can feel my when insides shift, and after
taking a quiet moment, i can pinpoint
the source of my mood change. in that
next second, i actively choose whether or not to sink
deeper into my oncoming spirit, or to dead
the disturbed uprising.

i am proud of this consciousness.

.....

self sabotage is real.
and fear is so powerful
that its best to not believe
in it. just make it a
myth. singlehandedly, fear
slows down my movement.

on two different days this week, i had the thought
"i don't want to be a stylist. its too much."

the responsibility is too huge and
the expectations are too daunting.

the thought was fleeting, but surprising
nonetheless.

......
i see it. i see where this is going.
and i am thankful for my sight.

...
tonight someone posed the question
"how does one tap into their potential"
i immediately thought .."you try"
and then you try again.
and then you try better.
and then you try.
and then you try again.
and then you try better.

and then there comes a point where trying
transforms into doing. you are no longer
attempting but properly executing.

trials elevate into commitment.
......

for me to become a great stylist, malcolm
gladwell says that i have to dedicate 6,547
more hours of work. i'll do anything malcolm tells
me to do.
..anything.

opening up.

i say seasons.



he says ascension.



for that alone i love him so much.



.....

don't attempt to understand us.

this memory is for keeps.

i said i wanna go somewhere.
he said montauk.
jim...kate... and me?!
it'd been a fantasy of mine for over 5 years now.
i happily complied.

.....

at twenty five

my body has changed.

i am more aggressive.

twitterpation hit me..and boys exist again.

i have discovered blueberries.

a fruitful season shift took place.

i am more self aware.

my family gets it.

my hands and eyes speak.

this heart has regained its proper posture.

babies DIG me.

i enjoy lying in the light.

i partner in precious friendships.

things have clicked.

i finally began to work. up until now i was either playing or asleep.

......
i am a quarter.

and i still have something shiny and promising.

we all do.

tropicana commercial

i was called in to assist for the tropicana commercial directed by peter arnell.
....its a big deal. this is my second commercial, but my first on
this level. andre leon talley is good friend's with the director, and was
present for the rehearsal fitting. (he liked my personal pull for the
yoga concept AND he liked my eyebrows...go figure).
i worked hard.

but i always feel like i can go even further.
be a bit more proactive and be prepared for the next.
.........

"ask your charming assistant, "smiley" over there, to go
pick up the margielas from bergdorf"

her sarcasm was comical...i wasn't smiling or even remotely
charming. not that i was the mean jerk in the corner
with a furrowed brow...i just wasn't performing.
...i was working.

its impressive to me how many of these people in this
industry work through performance. they work
with performance.

i am now understanding that my presence takes up a lot
of space...and that even in my subconscious (probably, more so
in my subconscious) i am affecting people.

i live in my head and show my thoughts.
sigh...i told monique that i have to force my presentation
at times. if i want someone to think that i am enthused
and excited...then i will successfully relay enthusiasm
and excitement. without a doubt. but its something that requires thought....
remembering.

remembering to smile.
my work persona is so drastically different.
.........

i have learned that i do not get inspired by forcing a look.
i get off on molding one.