precious gifts.

teetering. tottering.
teetering. tottering.
teetering. tottering.

the ground is moving. and
surpisingly this thunderous rumble
feels natural. comfortable even. pebbles,
soil, clay, water, layers of rocks...they've all
learned the same choreography and now dance
together as one. i am immediately honored
by their invitation to join in with
this moment of movement.

...i know what to do.

its quick. stacatto. syncopated. its easy.
the more i stand still, the easier my
body moves. no effort involved. the earth
is carrying me. ordering my steps.

i move good.

with my arms lifted, out by my sides, i feeel like i'm
surfing. coasting along with the fluidity of the
earth's tremors. i am here. 100% present and in sync
with God almighty's rhythm.

stop sound.
so i hear nothing.
i say "no" to sound. its too much of a distraction
during this sacred sway. my vision has
sharpened and i have opted to be deaf.
i made a choice and i prefer it this way.
no voodoo curse or unwarranted affliction.
just a conscious decision.

i feel.
i feel.
i feel.
i feel connected.

i truly feel this conversation...its all very clear. the
discussion bounces between my limbs and the land.
its physical...something about this is holy.
and it no longer hurts; my muscles have relaxed.

they now trust my being.

.......

i have no fear of what is to come.
i can feel that the ground is preparing to break
a smile (potentially a wide, gap-toothed smile)
directly beneath my feet.

i am feeling.

i open my eyes and look down.
my body has formed a perfect upside-down "t".
my legs have stretched wide open as the ground
continues to seperate.

somthing is to come out of this.
...out of me.

something good.
something God.

sigh.

...oh yes.
it is perfectly normal for robots to excite and arouse.
(just in case you were wondering)

an aura pillow.(or just a better attitude)

so last night i was speaking with God about my boyfriend. we covered quite a bit...

from that exchange...he should've had an awesome day today.

........

i need to exercise.
parts of my spirit are too reactionary.
bounce. deflect. dodge.
pain, resistance, criticism, evasion, rudeness, distance.

i must own my energy.
hone in.

in my head it looks like a bunch of invisible layers of
love, peace, patience, comfort, quietness, and respect
all cushioning around my epidermis.

outside stuff really needs to take longer to penetrate.
less leaks.
less frequently.

........

minding my business.

say you got it from me.

sooooo...

what did the zero say to the eight?

pause.

pause.

pause.

"heh....nice belt"

street art.

http://rodstuartlovesthehamptons.com/
...its all very weird, i know.
don't ask me to explain anything, because
i really don't get the message.
i just see it EVERYWHERE...including
the front window of where i work.


.........

i went the banksy exhibit twice last week.
(all the rats being wheatpasted in soho/LES)
i was both amused and disgusted...twice.

http://www.woostercollective.com/2008/10/the_village_pet_store_and_charchoal_gril.html

...its my favorite shirt. shutup.

Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
james 4:14

***some versions refer to life as a mist.

i am not in the business of wasting your Time or mine.
...neither of us really have that much to play around with.
its precious...much like you and i.

perhaps we should date.
Time and i.

....

im ready for a boyfriend.
i've decided.

some people chase light...

and some people live in it.

she is my very best friend.
my heart has been heavy these past couple of days...i cling to her as though her heart lives in my chest.
she was my first love, and set a high standard for those that followed.

she has taught me how to be a better person.
she scolds me when i am mean.
holds me when i am broken.
and dances with me when i feel inspired.

she gets me. and she STILL loves me.
...what an honor.

she is my girl. the girl that was always so womanly.

...she grew me up.
"loving doesn't always mean having" (ntozake shange)

pray for her peace and sunny smile while in burkina faso. (please)
...not that west africa is in dire need of more sunlight.

please sit still. please.

tonight i have forced myself to leave the apartment. it has taken me over an hour to just bend down and slip on my sperry loafers. something in me will not let me not go. not tonight.

i forget who invited me, but i'm here at a dinner party. i've literally just walked in and this space is completely
bare. its a huge room with minimal furniture, and exposed brick walls. ehhh, give or take, there are about seventeen people here. these are remarkably boring looking people, i'm drawn to no one. its like, there are small cliques sitting in different areas of the room, and oddly something tells me that everyone present is connected. there is just no order here, i have no clue as to who is the host.

who the hell invited me?...i don't recognize anybody.

i am standing here in front of the door, glancing from face to face hoping for welcoming eyes. directly across from me, there is this woman sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. i like her sea green blouse, it has a small floral print...she reminds me of an m&m from the easter bag. her rough blond curls hid her eyes until she pushed her thick bangs to the side.

she looks up and sees me.

two seconds later, she starts sucking her teeth and rolling her eyes. she turns her head to the left and covers her face with her huge, frazzled curls. i can't do this...why am i here?

i take a couple of steps forward refusing to make eye contact with anyone else. i need a drink. i still don't know whose home i'm in...so i guess it'll be best to serve myself. i walk over to the kitchen area and quietly open the refrigerator door. there sat on the top shelf three rows of Newman's pink lemonade. its pretty amazing..this top shelf looks perfect...not one carton out of place. slightly trippy. i feel both touched and annoyed...i really like it when things look like this, but lemonade is a miserable beverage. it dries out my tongue.

i am not sure how much time has passed, but i do know that things around me have changed. the air feels different. i think i feel a breeze...that wasn't there before. someone must have turned on a fan. and i now smell grease...someone is cooking bacon. SHIT. see, this is why i never leave my apartment. this is so embarrassing. i have stood here stuck and completely still, looking at lemonade for who knows how long. this is humiliating, i hope no one noticed. i do this all the time...freeze. why am i here? why did i leave my apartment? for God's sake, i am at a random and boring dinner party...
where breakfast food is being cooked.

and the only drink option is LEMONADE!!!

i slowly start to close the fridge door, hoping to blend in with this blah crowd. i dart my eyes over to the wall...that woman is staring at me and grinning from ear to ear. she saw me. i just know she was watching me while i was frozen. i look down and turn my back....i hate myself and i am leaving.

"HEY! I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ME!"

i turn around to glare at her, and she has now turned her head and is staring the opposite direction. i feel it coming. i can't stop watching her fat, uneven curls settle into place. why did she just scream so loudly? i mean...its not like
any of these zombies reacted to her noise, but she didn't have to yell. i'm standing right here. there is no music, and no one is speaking above a muffled murmur....why did she yell?

her curls are taking forever to sit perfectly still. i really hope that she doesn't turn back around. i won't be able to move until she sits absolutely still. my insanity is exhausting. the look of perfection is always what i wish to see. even when its not perfect. she desperately needs a trim!! and i know this.

but i'll stand here, frozen, until i see what i want to see.
i always do.

.....

dear world.
dear universe.
show me lots + lots + lots of love.
please.
i need to see so much love that it surrounds me.
and gets deep into my pores.
so i can go swimming...
...perhaps even drown.
again.

cramping hurts

my mind could not focus.
i kept flipping the pages of "who moved my cheese", anxiously
waiting for the book to end. i became lifted when kelis'
"millionaire" came on. the feeling was brief, because about
five seconds later, i began to feel nervous.

canal street stop was next.

i had made it up in my mind that if i got off the train.
walk to the front of the station. surface to street level,
and wave to the bagel vendor. walk past the deli and stand
on the corner at the stoplight. say "good morning" to the
street cleaner on wooster...then my life would be the same
daily routine. forever.

by the time the train had come to a stop, i was clear
about my next movements. i turned around, walked
to the back of the station, and surfaced. ...elsewhere.

i felt better, and actually had a more productive morning.
the best news is that now my life won't be the same daily routine.
forever.

(phew)