Thursday, February 16, 2006

humility = "you aint shit"

so i got a job.
i have had a job for about a month now.
for about a month now, i have been acting like a jerk.
i pride myself in being consistent, and secretly frown upon moody people.
i have gradually become that moody person.

i work for bronner brothers part time
8 to 1.
i do data entry and graphics design work.
sigh......it has been SO hard for me.
initially i told myself that i would work the first
5 hours of the day, and dedicate the rest of my day
to styling. so far so good. hey hey....! my main
project right now is styling for the UNIVERSOUL
circus. this is soooooo cool to me. i shopped with
the ringmaster and his sidekick (zeke, a little person...
which was the TRUE challenge). i had to design.
man, it's been dope. next on our agenda is a photo
shoot.....60 people. this is crazy, exciting.

so yea. i work part time everyday now.
and lately i have been abruptly ending
phone calls, declining invitations, avoiding
social gatherings, sulking, crying, really just
acting up, but multiple times throughout the day.
i am officially getting on my nerves.
well, i was.
i had to really sit and think when this behavior
triggered, and i tracked it back to when i began
working. i then evaluated how i act at work.
and i came to the conclusion that i am a completely
different person. i am not inviting.warm.genuine.
talkative....i am brand new. i go...do what is asked of
me...and move on.

the other day a co-worker asked that i teach her a
program...and when i hung up the phone i mumbled
(embarrassment rising)
"i am not here to teach" WHOA!
in that moment i realized that my greater purpose here
is to serve and teach. when i came here, there was nothing
that i felt like i could not do. nothing. i felt like i really
didn't belong in this space....ITS CORPORATE, AND I HAVE
TO DRESS UP....ugh.....it came down to me feeling better
than this job. i suck. i suck. i suck.

in the short amount of time that i have been here, i have
contributed a great deal to providing a facelift to many
products. this was a full time data entry position...i requested
that it be part time, they obliged, and now i do way more
design work (i have so much to learn) than data entry.

i am here to help.teach.and serve.
and to do it with a smile.
(exhale. i feel sooooooooooo much better)

.............
valentines day....yessir.

3 comments:

fruitfly4 said...

so you got the lesson, cool homie, but don't beat yourself up about it. never, ever that. you be too cool for that, and the fact that you can recognize that bizzaro-world transformation and set it back on track speaks volumes. - in my humble opinion...

Alii said...

The other day i found out i had to wear business attire to a job interview- ad it took me two days to find something. That is also when i decided to find a personal shopper or stylist.

I hope you dont loose yourself in this process- enough where you cant find yourself when you need yourself the most.

When you talked about the universoul, i was singing, 'the whole world' in my head..

P.S. can i get tickets to that BB hair show

Alleviation said...

This ia exactly my own current state. But what I love just as much as the truth revealed in this piece is that you got the bigger picture. You received the lesson and listened. It's amazing how much we changed due to our environment, but the one thing that never changes is our inner essence, the compilation of our soul, the truth that is inside. We can change our actions even if we cannot change our situations; we can attempt to change our perception of ourselves in order to change how others perceive us; but we can never change who we are... never change the purest nature of self. It's given to us by a much higher being that who we are. We can only contribute to the gift to ensure that we are fulfilling our life's purposes while simultaneously helping others to reach theirs. So yes, through it all, keep living... keep growing... keep enduring. Keep changing because change is apart of life and evolution is inevitable. But know that you will also return to your truest form of self... just learn from the experiences. All things in life are teachers, even you Pammy!!! For every lesson you teach, another is learned.

Thank you for your truth... Your words always inspire me to be better and more reflective.