Wednesday, January 04, 2006

this whole faithful walk thing....

praise God from whom all blessings flow...
lets start off with that.

from day one...my entire time at home, and in north carolina was spent finding work. seeking work. researching work. attempting to force work. i have come to the conclusion that i need stability, i need a 9 to 5 doing what i love to do. i surrender. freelance isn't for me now.
maybe i lack drive, contacts, persistance, location or maybe i have it all....dunno, doesn't matter. just not for me now. i've decided that, and i'm sticken to it

in maryland i emailed all local photographers. i sent them my package (resume, cover letter, samples of my work), and expressed my interest in conducting a photo shoot. i got a number
of interested responses....for after the new year. that was a problem, because my time spent in md was limited. i left jan. 3. so i had to move on.... i was so fortunate to get the contact information of every designer (both small and major) in NY, and personally emailed each one.
i lied by using a NY address (many of my peers have told me that companies tend to be more responsive to inquiries that are local and accessible).

christmas was spent researching.
new years was spent emailing.
....a bit different for the party girl....

i claimed it, and i KNEW that my jumpoff would arrive before 11:59:59 on december 31, 2005. i anticipated and waited. i went to bed with no prospects. and i woke up to nothing.
wasn't terribly devastated...i really feel like stuff in coming. i do. guess i have to believe that. nah...i know i have to believe it.

the next day i recieved a number of phone calls passively declining me.
"we love your work, we're just not hiring....we'll keep you on file though for future work"
fasho!

a couple of days later i received an email from elizabeth gillett. a high end accessory company that is in need of an assistant designer. i had already sent them my package...they requested my resume again. after sending off my email i received an email from them about an hour later requesting that i confirm my time for an interview. WHAT DUDE? wow...i looked up at carmen and said..."i gotta shoot".

i was asked to confirm an interview for thursday, january 5, 2006. only issue was that i have NO money...and my flight was out for atlanta the following day. as my friends came and left, the only thing on my mind was how i was going to work this our. with parents that seemed hurtfully indifferent (damn, they SO don't get it....the can fathom the end result...just don't get the process). i had no desire to ask them for anything. that sucked. on so many different levels it sucked. they are beginning to amaze me. i feel like i am constantly being compared to my "corporate america with benefits" friends. and questioned as to what the hell i am doing.
i mean...i get the questioning and confusion...but i feel an overwhelming energy filled with doubt and misunderstanding. and a very surface (close to non sincere) support.

it was killin me.
this trip made me realize how much i want my parents to approve...
wow.

my night sucked. i prayed. prayed. prayed. my mom came downstairs and stared at me
"pam you are sad...whats goin on?"
my heart was hurting because i didn't feel anything from them...nothing positive or negative...so close to indifference. i didn't feel like putting the energy into the conversation and crying and being mad at myself an hour later because i missed out parts of my argument.
"i just have a lot on my mind, and i need to make wise decisions"

its amazing how much i avoid because of laziness. simply not being up for things.
another story for another decade.

i sat down with my father. i dunno how to put it. it's like the effort to being concerned.interested.sincere is obviously forced, and that shit angers me beyond belief.
simply because you're my parents, and my dreams and your dreams. right?
granted, u spent a boatload of money for my degree in computer science and math.
BUT i listened and i was obedient. u said sciences were safe....i had no idea what i wanted to
do....so i listened. i hated it...still had no idea...so i pressed on. i did what u suggested...passively said. but now man...its crazy the amount of support i got when i was struggling through school...but now, to struggle through personal interests, growing passion....wow.

wow.

i had to go to sleep. my thoughts were beginning to drain me. all of me. so i said
no reply confirmation emails before i sleep. woke up....walked straight to my phone
...called elizabeth gillett....

"hello, this is pamela shepard, and i have an interview for the assistant designer position"

"oh hello" (a ridiculously calming.peaceful voice) "how are you"

"i am well, in a bit of a quandry, but well. first off, thank you for inviting me in for
an interview. that is both honoring and exciting. i need you to know that i highly
interested in this position. i am in a difficult situation because i am in dc right now,
and i have a flight to atlanta this evening"

"oh my..."

"it is my desire to be in attendance for this interview, and i have exhausted the many
ways for me to get to NY, but i honostly cannot afford to reroute everything to be in NY
by thursday"

"oh no, we understand completely. we have a trade show sunday-tuesday. is thursday of
nexy week cool?"

"YES! it's soooooo cool. thank you so much. so u still like me right? nothing against me? i'm still in the running?"

laughing "yes dear, stuff happens, its cool".

damn right stuff happens
just said to me today...."life happens when you try to start living life".
REAL TALK!

we make decisions, and we cannot second guess ourselves.
just know that your choice is exactly what you were
supposed to choose. for we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
decide.
commit.
move on.

so MOVING ON....
i got a feel for their accessories, so i have organized a shoot for friday.
dainty...ultra feminine...soft.
got my photographer.
makeup.
hair.
potential location....
and a model just fell out of the sky.
wow.

my man is back, so i can get my printing done.

i am trying to WORK for any and everybody in the next week.
if that means me tap dancing on a corner...its goin down.

FOR I KNOW THE THOUGHTS THAT I THINK TOWARD YOU, SAYS THE LORD, THOUGHTS OF PEACE AND NOT OF EVIL, THOUGHTS TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE.

...thank you for thinking of me....
you move in your own time...and you are faithful to your word.
'ppreciateyafolk!

2 comments:

fruitfly4 said...

for what it's worth, queen, i've never seen you as anything but a rockstar. happy [re]new year.

peace.

Viridian Sun said...

Cowgirl,
I simply love your blogs. I feel bad now, b/c I had so much to say as I was reading this one, but since A) you covered so many things
B) I clearly have ADD and C) I'm filled with emotions that cloud my logic (i.e. admiration, anxiousness, etc.)... I can't come up with anything coherent or profound to respond with.

please forgive...

Lots of Sisterly Love ;-)