Wednesday, January 11, 2006

don't even feel like struggle no more...feels right

you just live.
and that's all you can do.
if you don't like something, change it.
if you do like something, embrace it.
but just "keep on livin."...
grandma was on point with those words.
i get it now.

...............

why do i feel like my life has just begun?
what were those first 21 years about?
its like out of no where i have to really think things through,
make an effort to make wise decisions, be mindful of who i
let in, i dunno it all boils down to being wise.

i am really trying to work on sacrificial living and consulting God in everything i do.
"if this is supposed to work out, please let everything run accordingly, if this is not
Your will, place stumbling blocks in my path". that's the thing, i know my will,
just tryna make sure that my wishes are in alignment with Her's. a tug of war
to find that balance.

..............

in the alchemist, santiago speaks to his heart as though the heart is his best
friend. he hears his heart speak to him, and has grown to learn how fickle
his heart can be. MY HEART IS SCREAMING AT ME THESE DAYS....
and i like it. i like listening. its just funny the little things (really
not little at all) that i am justbeing introduced to now, things that are
literally apart of me. i now realize how frequently i denied my voice in
the past. now that i think about it...
who else did i think it was? i guess i took cartoons to heart when i saw
an angel and a devil on each shoulder. it's evident...i embody a bit of both.

not new. just paying attention.
...............

"hello is this ms. pamela shepard?"
sidebar...now i get GEEKED anytime my phone rings and it says area code 212 (ny)
"yes, speaking. may i ask who's calling?"
"yes this is tara from elizabeth gillett"
"OH, hello. how are you today?"
"i am well....i was just calling to tell you, that we have what we need and are not
moving any further with interviews"
pause
"noooooooo....(really whining) but i did a photo shoot for this"
"i know, we did like you and we will keep you on file"
no hesitance..."okay thanks. goodbye"

no parts of me were trippen.
i went right back to researching fashion magazines.
my heart didn't hurt.
it was cool.
for a brief moment, i sat with my head in my hands....and then
i called all of my contacts to organize another shoot friday.
..........................

my brother bought me an atari flashback. heh heh heh...gotta use that in a shoot.
shawn leaves to go to LA this week....dreams don't die. they may be ignored
(simply because life happens), delayed, maybe even repressed but they don't die.
he is everything i want to be.
"daddy i cried in the backseat when you said that you were leaving to go to la"
i smiled....
............................

RAINBOW IS REAL FOLK! 12 weeks and all......

..............................

location: anthony's studio
concept: its a series shoot.
male model. female model.
interaction shows potential dynamics in a male.female romantic relationship.
3 moods. irritated.content.affectionate.
studio is dark....color's worn are pastels.whites
(3 outfits each)
irritated.....non suggestive.well tailored.serious
content......loose fitting.free
affectionate.......suggestive.fitted.adult fabrics (lace.satin.silk)
same angle for all pictures.
different positioning on the couch....for different interaction.
never actually touching.
yea....

.......................

he likes me.....he really likes me.
got me all messed up.
i scream my desire for platonic,
i get platonic and trip when he isn't sweatin me (crazy).
i get more than just friends
and i end up confused.

platonic never stays that way for me.
hmmmmmmm.....
smile....
its cool....ALWAYS GREAT TO BE ADMIRED.....AND TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE
BEING ADMIRED?......never, ever, mad at that.

2 comments:

Viridian Sun said...

you're great... just plain, ole' great!

T said...

Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your blog! I so feel what you are going through.. the whole "This Can't Be Life" struggle that wasn't planned for but is.