yo....KDY PRODUCES STARS!

praise God for john. f. kennedy high school. i am a product of this institution...and quite proud of it. i left to go to college fully prepared, a bit confused by my lack of a workload, and really had a sound understanding of time management. kennedy was good for me. a good 4 years. i left out as homecoming queen, apart of sga, a leader on the debate team....yo i did it all. LTI (leadership training institute) was the signature program that i was a member of for 4 years. we were kinda shut off from the rest of the school. it was a big deal to me to make sure that i was involved with activities outside of LTI. i was the loser that tried to hang out with the artsy kids. i had no real contribution or talent...but i just knew that i felt connected to them. so yea...to give a mental picture...i would walk down the hallway with the "cool kids" (the ashleys...for u recess fans), and veer off to talk to the goth chick that wore all black with black nails black hair and black jewelry....

"pam...who is that? she looks crazy...."

...long story short....praise God for those kids cuz we make GOOD WORK 5 years later....
photographer: eli
model: dorthea
stylist: yours truly

friday night.....

COMe THru man! this is about to be soooooo fun. its an atl warriors party....they hold em in NY often, and now its our time to shine. i went to the venue yesterday and its DopE. even though its a halloween party, and lot of work has gone into the set design. its in thi huge warehouse over near the grafitti tunnel on Krog street....man this huge space is so well designed. its crazy cuz the set designer is the same guy that did busta's gimme some mo video where everyone like cartoonish with big eyes. so i walked in and there were huge flipmode signs lit up. come as a gang (gangs are 4 or more people). be creative! ima be at the door to greet ya'll. so after sonia and amiri.....i say we party together.....9pm to 3am. if u have any questions hit me up, and if u don't have my math (hahahhahha....philly kids), just leave a comment on here.

they came home!

dope.
dope.
dope.
this weekend was absolutely dope.
the end.

sike. let's see....
by thursday everyone was present. the fam was BACK. and that alone did wonders for my heart. chante....nia....ros....eb (sigh...those akas)....milan.....justin....delmar....stacey....ashley....the end. that was it....everyone able to watch one another blink and breathe yet again. i get so happy when we're all together...its like we never left. we all remember our roles for our functioning clique...and get to work. it felt good.
we all went to djgango for the OFFICIAL spelman and morehouse alum party. alum + django = a fluke move. perhaps i was the only one person that was told the word official. ? django is one of my spots in this city...and thrusday night it was a cool breeze flowing through the entire space...i mean desolate. i was a bit disappointed. but oh well...kept moving. perused the visions district and ended up at dragonfly. not my scene at all....the dj played songs in their entirety. i didn't hear one mix. highlight of dragonfly? the club has like church pew/quasi bleacher seating....and we did the wave multiple times during the course of the night.

friday.....i dunno. i missed my friend's opening at her gallery. i suck. I SUCK. i completely forgot. gotta call and beg her forgiveness. went to harlem bar. went to milan's. got dressed. ended up at insomnia. i love atlanta "around the way" clubs. that was the move.
.....pimp, if u want me....u can find me in....
THE A
THE A
THE A
THE A.
.....
good times. we met mad people that night. i got offered a modeling contract....i quickly volunteered my styling skills with whatever agency he works with....the business card was promptly removed from my fingers. lol...that tickles me now.

"you really should come to our office downtown and get some headshots tomorrow....i know you would be a great model for us. u don't look like anyone we have thats apart of our troop"

"yea? well ima a stylist, and i am sure you guys work with a photographer consistly....maybe we can meet and i can show you my book for styling...."
"no. i wanted you to model...i need my card back."

lol. ok ok ok. for some odd reason i didn't go to sleep until like 5. i don't too much recall what came after insomnia...i feel like we just went back to the halfway house...milan's. or maybe we ate. i dunno...but i went to sleep late. slept with the mommy to be...aerial. i laid on her tummy and rubbed her stomach in the bed. night night baby ade.

saturday i got up really early. i was pressed to get in the shower first. ahaaaa. we eventually got out the house around 4 and made it to campus. when i saw all the tailgaters, tears were almost brought to my eyes. saw old friends...made new ones...laughed....hugged....kissed....danced....it was nice. half of us made it in the step show...i happily missed out.

everyone looked so beautiful. happy...fun filled...new familes...new jobs....new institutions.....folks looked great to me. everyone! randomly crossed paths with kwabena. i returned his wave from afar...not really recognizing him...when he got closed i aksed that he shared his food (didn't matter if i remembered him...he waved) then he triggered my memory. long story shot...he kicked it with us that night.

the funny thing is.... i randomly picked his best friend up, and kicked it with him a year ago. great guys.

went to magnolia...everyone was extremely high. i wasn't and i was tickled. yet again. groove phi groove...swings....i dunno. they're funny to me. cool concept...i guess...i dunno.

IF I PUT MY MIND TO IT, I CAN DO ANYTHING! everyone wanted to go to the club. i didn't. i mean i'm talking at least 10 people against me. wanting to get out the house. hahhh hahhhh hahhhhhh we never left the house and had a blast. woo!
aaronica came over....jesus that chick is hilarious. ashland...annoys me. i still love him though.

sunday....aerial's surprise baby shower was at 1. i arrived at 1:05. others arrived at 1:15. aerial arrived at 1:20. the rest of teh party came around 1:45. MY CLIQUE CAME AROUND 2:15. yea....i temporarily disowned them for the day. it was a beautiful baby shower. my heart was filled. i saw the beauty of spelman...womanhood...intimate love...a spirit of wanting to help/aid.....yo it was great. everyone cried.

justin and delmar came back to us. we sat around...laid on top of one another and talked. or just laid quietly. went to willys.....tofu burritos...here we come (suggestion by moi). hahhhh hahhhhh hahhhhhhh! had great convo. nia, justin, and i say inside...while the others sat outside in the mild blizzard.

"i can't even see u with kids....you're too on the go. and beyond that u never trip off of dudes...."

ok justin. can't really say anything to that. we talked about love and relationships. God is good. it was a great convo. made me think. we took stace and delmar to the airport....had dramatic goodbyes...and returned to milans to watch desperate housewives and grey's anatomy.

God bless you all....i need all of you....i love all of you...i wish the absolute best to all of you!

oh yea....

come thru ya'll....sis is GENUIS!
opening....friday night (october 21) 5-8pm

love without ownership

i love him. love him deeply. i love the idea that he was once my boyfriend... and we are no longer together... AND I STILL LOVE HIM. i mean we speak openly to one another about our lives. we talk about other people...the stages that we're in....expressing how wonderful.crazy.non-existant other people are. i know for a fact that with him i have a grasp on love without ownership. i get it. loving someone profusely and unapologetically for who they are...welcoming all the flaws. being okay with them loving other people. there is a true security in our relationship, because i never feel threatened about what other person may come along. i know that there is a place in his heart for me. only me. just as i have one for him. this is peace.

after reading the alchemist this time...the message that kept screaming at me was love without ownership. for about a month and a half i have really been meditating on what this means. i have come to the conclusion that i am very much of a selfish lover. and this selfishness transcends many relationships....best friend...sister....my man. i realize how important it is that my relationship take priority over any other realtionships that a person may have outside of me. i would always make it a running joke....
"damn dude...why u keep talkin about (whomever i may feel threatened by) so much?"
"oh thas your new best friend?"
blah blah blah....so yea...i would jokingly make these comments, but really be quite serious. its almost as though i had to be the BEST relationship that someone had. the most fruitful...progressive....fun....fulfilling relationship.

....that is twisted thinking....

i mean...God has granted me the daily blessing of being able to call awesomely OUT OF THIS WORLD people....my personal friends. i mean these people are world changers...progressively moving towards their personal goals. these folks have definitely contributed to my life. it wouldn't be virtually possible to be the same person had i not met them. with all that said...it is absolutely retarded for me to be so selfish to think that i should be the sole person (or at least one of the few....you know, childhood friendships, family...they might take precedence) to be so blessed by this interaction.

i am so pleased to know that i have acheived the idea of love without ownership in at least...one realationship. God is so timely and on point. this is a reoccuring lesson for me during my time alone. i am learning to honor this season. even when i try to entertain "him" something screams....hell no pamela, this will be probelmatic, quickly move away! quite honesely, it all reverts back to contentment with self.

....i hear ya God, i'll get it soon...

keep movin!

dc trip was LIKE THAT! kicked it with the fam...produced GOOD work (not only styled but had the freedom to come up with concepts as well)...played rich black girl with my best fried for 3days in the hotel...received a standing ovation for the video presentation for dad....dad cried....i cried...dc was GOOD man.

x-fares is the work of the devil. and even though i am not yet too old to stop using it, i choose to stop using x-fares. both leaving atlanta, and leaving baltimore to return to atlanta was a hassle. i wasted mad time in the airport. but made friends both times. cool folks. now that i think of it i came into space with many angels that were helping me out in those airports. i had bought a salad from o'charley's. but they didn't have honey mustard and only had lowfat ranch. ugh. so i went to another food spot to inquire about some honey mustard.
"you gonna join us and eat here today?"
"no sir. i was just wondering if u guys have honey mustard? "
"nah....we sell wings"
he aint have to play me...i've dipped wings in honey mustard before, but whatever.
i scoffed, smirked, and walked away.
YO....I RETURNED TO MY GATE....WHY WAS DUDE ON MY BACK LIKE 5 SECONDS LATER WITH TWO PACKS OF HONEY MUSTARD. aww man...he boosted my life times ten. i was not so much looking forward to that salad any longer...and he, that quickly, shifted my outlook as to how that salad would taste.

i was a happy girl to say the least.

so whatever...xfares sucks. air tran workers suck (well 2 do). i had to speak to a manager about 1. i was too rushed to get on the other woman's back. jerkwads...for NO reason. i dunno, i just remember my 5 years in customer service...and yes i had bad days...but damn dude my role was still to serveeeee customersssss...

got back to the a. i love this city. its home. the weather was fabulous when i stepped outside of hartsfield. i had to buy hoodies to stay warm in dc. went back to my aun't house to get changed.
"pam, my time is growing short here. i am just trying to make sure that your aunt and the kids are taken care of. i see my mother so clearly now. i hear my brothers laughter in my ears all the time. and i just see life clearly. what is and isn't important. yea....death is close...."

geez. i constantly speak to him about his attitude. his attitude about life sucks. however, he spoke to me with such a clarity that i had no words to offer. i sat silent. i have a message to relay to him (since he foresees his departure)....God please help me to relay the words with clarity and conviction....please all for a moment, and help me to recognize the moment, when it is best for me to speak....please allow his spirit to be receptive.

God is good man.

went to the city. went to work. had a lot to do. met with milan at that thrift store (location remains disclosed). went shopping....wow....went to eat....went to javaology to do work. couldn't because there was a party goin on around me and who did pam meet...
only an extremely established FREELANCE STYLIST in this city. sis was awesome. she wrote out a buttload of information for me. gave me words of encouragement and direction. gave me her cell and and email and told me to stay close. mentor. DING DING DING. i like her spirit.

so yesterday i applied, for the first time ever, to a position entitled STYLIST. yo...usually stuff is like bits and pieces of what i want to do, but never the actual job. life is good.
pictures are coming in....ha ha hahhhhhhh!

went to morehouse.spelman fashion show. BIG UPS TO AL! wowsers. best show i've seen since i've been in college. it was beautiful! got a lil sad....wasn't modeling...wasn't directing....wasn't helping out backstage....just a lame graduate in vip. sigh...awesome show nevertheless. i knew mad photographers last night, and that did wonders for my spirit. i'd like to announce....pamela shepard is getting around....LOL.i welcome this reputation with open arms!

i saw tiona....hi tiona! tiona...i enjoy your style...everytime i see u...its such a treat!

had a freakin power couple sitting in front of me. he was flawless...she was cute...and their baby was adorable. they knew every single person in vip. and everyone was so geeked to talk to them. yea...definitely had to figure out who they were...and in turn tell them who i was. the power couple does like everything withing fashion in atl....modeling agency....image consultants....photo studio....the list goes on....

"oh pam, i am so glad you spoke....way to be observant. yea man we are always looking for new stylists. let me get your info....care if i give u mine?"
"please do."

.......
the moral of the story is....regardless of what the outcomes may be...the possibilities in the moment are SO encouraging.

i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist. i am a stylist!

a mere glimpse....

there is SO much work 2 b done.
get it done ms. shepard!

back in the good ol MD...

it feels good to be home again. bittersweet though. i always want things to stay the exact same as a last remember it. never really happens that way....sigh....change is good though.

so my plane landed at 11:35pm sunday night. hmmm....why did i arrive to hartsfield at 4:15pm....anticipating to hop on the 6:25 flight. (deep breath) only airtran. i have NEVER had xfares fail me. in the past i always got on the flight that

*sidebar...my cousin is eating ice cream out of a mug and scraping the hell out of the mug with the spoon....its blowin me might hard right now.....

k....i always get on the flight that i arrange to get on. yea ummm....got to the gate....got a ticket....got an official seat...and the young girl was boosted. as usual...all was going well.

"pammmeelllaaa....i have bad news, u were on stand by, and people that had confirmed seats actually arrived. so i need to take your ticket back."

damn dude did my ticket really get revoked? lol, yeah it definitely did. removed from my fingertips and all. well for some odd reason i was on the verge of tears. LOL...i really wanted to cry. i walked down to the customer service to get "placed" on the new flight. i had a talk with the woman at the desk about the ethics behind giving someone a ticket and then taking it back. i really felt like the agent was wrong...it was her fault she gave me the ticket...it should be mine to keep. right? i told the woman at the desk that the agent was an indian giver. LOL....this is all so funny to me now. she told me that she was pretty confident that i would board the next plane.

i assumed that a tornado.hurricaine.flood.tsunami...something drastic had to be happening in baltimore because our flight that waas supposed to leave at 8:10 did not depart until 9:30.

i touched ground at 11:35...and the weather was beautiful.

robino picked me up. walking in a drunkened stooper...our constant giggles slowly woke her up. we went back to her fabulous apartment and stayed up late in the early morning. she is so great.

we went to the harbor on monday. ate at this cute sushi bar. went to markets. watched construction men construct. just kicked it. karla came and went thrifting with me on tuesday. went thru fells point and found the cheapest quality stuff we could afford to buy. karla left...kara came (thats robin's friend). she spent the nite.

today we came home. silver spring. when i snuck behind her my mom just stared at me..."u are so wild girl....why didn't u tell no one u were comin to town?"
i think it hurt her a bit that i came sunday....and just made it home today. she'll be okay...we will enjoy one another!

photo shoot with dorthea tomorrow.
life is good. no break here at home.
.......

men aren't actually stupid, they just pretend to be. and THAT is annoying.

whats on my mind...

....meat fast this week (broke the fast last week....so we'll try again....
....no looking in staring in mirrors and windows everytime i pass them....fix yourself in the morning and be done with that part of the day....
....get your damn pictures from raquel....
.....email break magazine.....
.....finish filling out health insurance forms.....
.....think long and hard about what you're giving milan.....
.....prepare to go to dc......
......finish video presentation for dad's banquet.....
.......re-email john crooms and zach wolfe....
......create a timeline (even though u spit on them).....
.......bug the hell out of bill hallman.....
......be content alone....this is a season for you....honor it.....learn....pay attention....
.....let him go....God help me....you owe it to yourself......
.....wait for nothing...u keep progressing.....
love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.

back in the day...well not that far back.

sigh....oh the memories...this pic makes me happy...almost as happy as the guy behind us!