happy valentines day.

i guess i feel happy.
...i'm not crying. and i'm not cussing.
i laughed a lot today...even broke out into
dance a couple of times.
i'm happy.

......


tonight reminded me of the scene in the color purple
when suge avery follows her spirit, and leads her
fellow sinners to the church (with the dressed up sinners)
across the pond.

the Spirit travels and does not commit to a certain
space or location.

it sits among petals on the stems of flowers.
it jumps up and down chords on a bass guitar.
it lays in the bottom of a homeless man's cup.

...it has the potential to be anywhere at any given moment.
that is God.

i am more than certain that i heard God tonight.

......



"
wasted time...loving you.
wasted time...wanting you.
wasted time...loving you.
wasted time...wanting you.
"

it is love.
and not a millisecond was wasted.
she wrote it...and i don't even think she honestly agrees.

.......

bitter.
God is love. love is God.
i don't understand why things happen,
and now i am pissed at this outcome.
i have fought through painful praise.
believing that this had to take
place...for me to be better.
bitter.
but better.
that doesn't work.

i cannot be bitter and better.
i refuse to be bitter.

...i don't refuse.

i accept my present, and try
not to look back.
the tension in my neck hurts.
muscles are straining to stay
focused on what is ahead.
no turning back.

no questions.
?
i guess that this love
surrounds me...its so deep
that i really cannot understand
it. and it is hurting me.
love is hurting.

its physical.
i need to be healed.

...and with this, i cannot pretend.

.......
so again. i say. happy valentines day.


i'm loving.
i'm loving me.

....i'm trying.