Wednesday, May 17, 2006

seasons shift...

i walked into her bedroom, and she turned to look at me grinning from ear to ear....
"hey pam, i have good news"
"yay...so do i! you go first"
"i am completely breast cancer free! and with the cancer cells in my brain the cells are no longer spreading, so thats good. its just that radiation is not working to its capacity, but over time it will. i am being taken off of these steroids....and yea, i'm getting better"
i just sat there and smiled. i had an urge to jump on her...but i resisted.
"okay so your turn, whats your good news"
i now felt mad wak about my news. how do you follow up a report about how one is
successfully fighting for their life....?
"ummmm, nothin major, sisley/united colors of benetton called me today to come in next week for a 'chat' next week".
"i really dunno what that is, but you seem happy, i assume it deals with clothes, SO i'm proud of you"

i told her that we are in one another's lives now, so we are connected. i explained that because of our connection, our seasons are shifting together.... she smiled.

.................

i heard him screaming at the top of his lungs. i faded out and went back to sleep. about 5 minutes later...an hour later, not so sure, i laid there voluntarily frozen, refusing to move. i heard the ambulance, police car, some vehicle for emergencies keep passing the house. i knew that they were lost. i also knew that they were trying to get to the house. the house was actually pretty silent. i stared at the ceiling and just imagined what wrong turn the ambulance/police car had taken. once i heard them pull up the driveway, it became harder for me to breathe. i didn't want to be apart of what was going on downstairs, and i refused to move. for once...i wanted to ignore the chaos.

i heard the door open and a man's voice said "10-4"....i thought...now is that the police or ambulance...or do they both say that? "okay mam, can u hear us? tell me how you fell..."
ambulance.

i just laid on my back and started my conversation with God. we exchanged for about, i dunno how long, but when it was over i got up. i went to the room next door, robert was still sleep. good. as i was coming down the stairs, i watched the front door close. courtney was handing her father her mother's purse. i looked at my 15 year old cousin, and she looked at me. i stood there on the stairs, and she stood there in the dark living room....it was a long second.
no parts of me wanted to inquire....
"courtney...whas goin on?"
"ughhhh....my mom fell and hit her head"
i could hear movement in the kitchen...fast movement...much faster than i am used to hearing him move. i walked into the kitchen, and watched his fear and anxiety take over him. 5 strokes permit no one to move like that...it looked unnatural and i got scared. i followed him to the car and began to plead with him...."let me drive you....let me ride with you....c'mon, let me get a jacket, i'm coming"
no
no
no
"pam you just stay by the phone, i'll be fine"
i told him to follow the ambulance and drive safely.
my heart hurt. he barely drives during the day, and never after sunset.
i was torn. i really wanted to make sure he was safe, but then i knew that i had to stay with the kids.
he left.
the lights stop flashing.
courtney removed her face from the window pane.

i sat in the dark and cried. hard.

............

i wonder if i too will have a relapse.

2 comments:

Alii said...

again im speechless. i wish cyberhugs werent so corny but im sending you one anyway...

Viridian Sun said...

Congratulations and WOW! None of that seemed real...was it? You wrote it so stream-of-conscience-ly I couldn't tell. crazy.