ny round 2

"God this is the direction that i wish to move in...
i am now moving this way with all of my might...
if this is not where you want me to be, place stumbling blocks in my path..."

recap.
got to hartsfield at 2pm.
airtran line is wrapped all around the north terminal.
got sold the 8 something flight.
security checkpoint lines are CRAZY.
get to my terminal.
go to paschals...find a fly in my salad.
sit tight.
i despise laguardia so i am plotting how i can NOT arrive at that airport.
my flight is pushed back because a newark flight is flying out of our terminal.
YAY...the hustle begins.
airtran workers shut me down saying that the flight is closed.
pilot speaks up, and says that there are seats available.
hang around....somehow...someway...end up on the newark flight.
NICE!

indian woman to my left...white woman to my right.
take off.
over two hours have passed announcement comes
"laguardia had a black out today...so all passengers have been transported to newark.
there are horrible weather conditions in newark..and there is heavy runway traffic.
we are running out of gas, and are going to pittsburgh to refuel".
whoa.
11pm.
we deplane.
pittburgh terminal...
indian mom is on my cell phone.
white mom and i are sharing my orange.
replane.
missing folks...vietnamese man got left :(
take off.
53 minute flight from pittsburgh to newark.
circling becuase of runway traffic.
finally land.
I AM IN JERSEY. YES.
1:30am.

calling all local hotels.
everyone is booked because laguardia folks had to stay somewhere.
newark airport is mad busy this time of the morning.
i go to buy my NJ transit ticket. (all so new for me)
lady says..."noooo! your train just left at 1:55"
my cell phone reads 2:05
i say "thats cool...when is the next one?"
her face drops..."this is the break in the morning. 4:45 am"
blown.
"is there any other way i can get to penn station?"
...take this train...to that train...to newark penn station...take the path...
"ummm, is that safe. i am not from here...are there gonna be a lot of folks traveling?"
"u stay here and wait for the 4:45"
yes'm.

go downstairs.
stumbling blocks?
madddd confused.
call karla. call grace.
pop open my bible...get to reading.
wrap up in my carry-on.
set my cell to 4:35am.
i pass out.
woke up around 4am.
turn off my alarm.
walk back towards where the train comes at 4:45
same lady comes down the escalator...
"i thought u had left."
"nah, u told me to stay. i just slept for a second."
"soooo...are u taking the 4:45"
"yes mam. i set my alarm. i'll be up there at 4:45"
"NO baby. u gotta get to the railink by 4:45. nothing comes here. u need to hurry up and make ur way there now! hurry. take the p4...get off....get back on...go down to the railink. it will be there at 4:46. go!"
why?

i make it to the railink at 4:42.
train is packed with construction workers.
geez. i only like attention sometimes.
i sit by an italian guy that keep smiling at me.
don't look at me sir.
10 minutes pass...
"how was your flight?"
"fine"
"where u coming from?"
i turn my head slightly...sir...i really don't wanna talk
"atlanta"
"OH I LOVE ATLANTA"
...calm down.
he learns my final destination.
tells me what line to catch.
"brooklyn? bedstuy do or die....thats my old stomping grounds!
take the c-line all the way to kingston and throops"
we get off the train.
he proceeds to walk me where i need to be.
thanks sir. (no a genuine thanks)
5:26am
c-line arrives.
desolate.
sooooo many men keep staring.
too tired to be uncomfortable.
man begs everyone for money.
i pretend i'm sleep.

6am...i emerge from down under.
its a new day.
neighberhood is waking up.
skies are beautiful.
the old men drink their coffee and nod.
the garbage man drives by slowly giving me a thumbs up.
i feel revived.
walking down throops.
turn down macon.
old man standing in a dress shirt with no pants.
too happy to be concerned.
karla stands in the doorway waitng for me.

AND THEN IT BEGINS...
*two interviews
*one with 4 managers. one with the VP of academic technology
*i feel mad pretty.
*i am unapologetically me
*no fear (thanks God)
*i like my presentation. i like my answers. i'm likin this....
...then i meet my competition. wow. equally qualified white boys with the same agenda.
'lets work at the school so we can be educated for free'
*insecurity
*GO AWAY insecurity!
*clearly state my goals/aspirations.

and thats that.
"so glad you made it. you'll hear from us by tuesday!"

meet up with karla.
go to the subway.
penn station.
newark.
airport.
7:59 flight turns into 10:54
welcome to atlanta.

*help to release this. i have done my part...and its out of my hands.
never was in my hands....
...whew.
i'm tired.

feelin shiny....

cartwheel races...water ice...hot pink (so cool, the color gets two words), puffy skirts, slap bracelets, southeast lollipops, r. l. stein, parasucos, thick headbands, round frames, polo jackets, salute your shorts, lipsmackers, BBD (bel biv devoe tapes), beads, rolled up jeans, funakty munkaty, motions babysitters club, finding the green stone, new speedos, 13208 northgate, bel pre, bad double dutch, dominique dawes, dog tags, braids, baby hoops, l.a. gear, sparkles, stencils, now or later (NOW), dive roll, musa, ms. woo, kmart training bra, surgery, flame, dorthea, chuck brown, MASH, just for me, to hell with dying, jc penny, aau, go hoyas, flannel, champion, bigger!, hunka bunka chunka, bongo, jordans, claires discovery, bodysuits, clarissa explains it all, NICKELODEON!, peroxide and kool aid dye, jade green toes, cheetah, huffy, lock-it, roller skates, pecan tan, power, gloworm, guess triangle, polly-o string cheese, jelly belly gourmet, katie L, gymanstics, matt, booger king, pleasure!, penny drop, kickball, red voit, usa sweatpants, stride rite, lake kneedwood, towel weave, scarred legs, bike rides, the creek, crawfish, sledding, trash can tops, forts, long division, gifted AND talented, ms. christianson, baklava, gina, greece, kwanzaa, side twist, ucb, community centers....

shifty seasons...

u betta WORK gul....

2 peter 1:4-10
4 whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
5 and beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
6 and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
7 and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
8 for if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall never be barren or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
9 but he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from old sins.
10 wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election for sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:

its a sweet combination
diligence...faith...virtue...knowledge...temperance...patience...godliness....kindness...charity (love)...hmmmmm. yea, do better.

.................

this dream was pretty. a rich color palette. it was actually quite outstanding...some parts were in gray/black/white...but those were just the buildings. awesome shading. but outside of that...everything else was deep and vivid in color.

marcia jones and i were sitting in an office building. we sat in front of huge windows and gazed out at the gorgeous cityscape. the sunset was a teal/aqua blue, and even though the imagery resembled water, i still knew that it was a sunset. we sat there quietly lost in our thoughts. in an instant, an entire block of buildings shifted and completely blocked the sunset. it felt like the buildings slyly attempted to move over while i was caught blinking. i got scared. i jumped up, running the length of the room to try to peep around the buildings to glimpse the sun (clearly, i am miles away from the buildings). marcia and others looked shocked, but didn't too much react. all color outside of my immediate space had turned to black and white. i left everyone and ran out the room, anxious to get outside. i was too fearful to take the elevators so i ran down 15 stories. in a flash i was outside of the building, and ran out in the street and fell to my knees.

i prayed. and prayed. and prayed.
i prayed a unfocused prayer.
just screaming random praises to God.
i began to cry.
thinking of all the evil i had done.
then i smiled thinking of all i had helped.
it really was an accelerated moment of madness.
i had fleeting moments of a number of different emotions.
i then began to cry profusely because i knew God.
regardless of my behavior...God loved me...
then i began to praise my parents for stressing the
need for a personal relationship with God at such a young age.

it involved a lot...but probably was all of 10 seconds.
my body (and brain) was constantly moving...one position,
kneeling on the ground.

i then hopped up and began to walk up a slight hill...
at the top of the hill was a huge yard will with people in lawnchairs.
everyone was fixated on this huge screen that was projecting....something.
i never actually saw it. the entire time, my back was to the screen.
i saw my friends...they saved me a seat.
but i was too nervous to sit down.
i was concerned that everyone was watching...a movie i guess....when
moments earlier buildings moved...kinda like people do...to block out the sun.
milan was there. carmen. and a friend of carmen's.
there were only 2 seats left....
so i walked away, leaving them to find another seat for the person left out.

i walked away from the screen.
i walked away from them.
...and just kept walking...

*i woke up hot*
................

i got invited back for round 2 of the job interview at parsons.
woo hooo...
ny trip 2. (God's willing) tuesday....

..................

i need a sponsor for my life.
any takers?

ny day 2

day 1 was dope.

came in....
got to bedstuy....
sat down...
finished my letter of intent....
cooked dinner....
went to party with bobbito in the park (auc is everywhere...i can dig it...well, yesterday i could)

saw one of the 2 white boys at morehouse on the bus .....(he likes us, i figure)
came back home....
ate strawberries and whipped cream....
pranced and danced....
mapped out my route to the upper east side...
did my hair...(yes! it does take doing)
went to sleep....

now day 2.

the girls left me alone....
got up....
updated my portfolio...
spoke to non-enthused mom....
showered....
got dressed....(pretty snazzy if i may say so myself)
packed a bag....
left the house...
took a million trains to 91st...(okay only 2, just felt long)
arrived ridiculously early....
went to central park....
watched a duck....
went to the cooper hewitt museum....
met with the program director....
interviewed and defended why i want my masters from parsons....(to build my empire...DUH)

sat in a methodist church on park ave (beautiful architecture)....
came to union square....
ate sushi from dean and delucaa (random, i know)...
and that now brings us to the present.

- i feel mad dull right now
- i wish i had my own apartment to go to and crash right now
- bk boys...right up there with my ATLiens...yum
- chill out pam...ur here for a millisecond to what?....lets say it together
secure your future!

ha.

...its okay....

the NEW....and its okay!

....as i see it....

be still my beating heart

there is truly an uncomfortable balance between being anxious for nothing and steadily moving in a progressive direction. you can't be so lax that nothing is getting accomplished...and you can't rush rush rush into everything. i'm uncomfortable. i am ready for the NEXT in my life...next job....next home....next car(HA)....next man (1 guy consistently). but then i know that i am NOT ready for so much. i am so off. *sigh*
.................

this is such a humbling season....i feel like i'm literally being broke down. ya know how on cartoons the big guy holds the little ANGRY guy's forehead to avoid getting hit from his aggressive jabs in the air. yea, i'm that little guy. get this....my mom said "well you might need to find out the bus schedule so you can get to work"...(montgomery county, maryland pam coming out)...."FOR WHAT?"....."pamela...you've totaled your car, do you have another option?"
"i mean..."....yea. no real other concrete options.
i feel really dependent...and its close to painful for me.
but i gotta be honest with me, through all of this, there are no real complaints....a bit of melodrama, but no complaints. everything of importance is taken care of. from whom much is given...much is expected. and i GOT A LOT! always time to work!
...........

its time to go about some things differently, because clearly certain tactics are not being effective. THINK pamela.

...........

live in truth (do better)

...........

big ups to eric jabari bell (!?!?!)

we must destroy before we rebuild...

yo. word up.
i'm a christian.

tv on the radio

when interacting with people that are sick, homeless, poor, or simply with a different lifestyle than mine (one that others often frown upon), i have to literally remind myself to treat people as equals, and remembering that folks are no different from me. and this is something that i HAVE to remember when interacting with (hard for me to admit) sometimes white people, children, elders....we are all one in the same. so with that said...i will begin.

yesterday i was on auburn ave. standing with my friend outside her boutique. a woman walked up and welcomed herself into our conversation. it was cool... shaunaz had known her from seeing around the auburn community in the past. her name was daisy. she was cute....she had on a gold NY fitted and a black jumpsuit. her chocolate skin was flawless, and her smile was enormous...her missing front tooth made her look like a child. daisy spoke of her life...the man that just left her....her father that was in politics....her sister that was james brown's secretary.....her ex husband that robbed her for $55,000... and every other possible downfall she may have had in life. she was RIDICULOUSLY articulate...and she was a very proud woman "oh i am nothing like these people on these streets. i will be off of these streets next week when i get my check".

as we all stood in a circle a man walking at a brisk pace was coming down the sidewalk. i ALWAYS look at people's faces (generally eyes) before i hone in on anything else. for some odd reason i stared directly at his arms first. he had very dark scars on his forearms and at the mid-section of his arm. i then followed his grey t-shirt up to his face. his cheeks were puffed out as though he was about to blow out candles on a birthday cake. he was walking so hard, and it was clear that he didn't really see us. as i was standing in the doorway i mentally said "stand firm". it annoys me when i see people back up, or try to shrink themselves when in the midst of certain people. its offensive...and again, i have to remind myself to not act in such a manner.

as the man approached the threshold of the door, i continued to stand there, anticipating him to glance up so i could offer a smile. when our bodies became adjacent with one another a force literally knocked me backwards. i lost my balance and was pushed back. it was physical. i stood dazed for a moment with my hand over my heart...genuinely confused as to what had just happened. it felt like someone had taken their hands and placed them on my shoulder to gently guide me back. it was spiritual. after seconds had passed i stepped forward again and looked out the doorway to watch the man continue walking down the street.

my senses were heightened. i glanced up and down the street and just saw so many sick people. and then i was prepared to see what we don't usually see. off some straight patrick swayze Ghost stuff, with the spirits at the end that melt into the pavement.
i prayed.
and it was better.

there is SO much going on right now that is way bigger than me. and it continues to present
itself.

ephesians 6:10-18

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.
thanks karla...

................

shahnaz gave daisy earrings.
i gave daisy a bag of clothes.
she walked off and begged the next man for .80 cents.

ITZGETTINREALINTHESTREETZ.....

(tv on the radio....GREAT MUSIC.
www.youngliars.blogspot.com)

oh ho hum....

last night i had to wonder what i was living for....
i mean grey's anatomy is no more.
i sighed...
then cried...
because i then knew...
that summer was through....
no more laughs and heartache
now just silence and eating cake
last night i was so bored
i contemplated going to the store.
meredith, burke, cristina, are you there?
no one to answer, sitting alone in my chair.
i can only think, izzy are you okay?
i won't know till another day.....
that day being months from now...
but i'll make it thru, someway...somehow.

thank you

my kinda work. ?

my gaurdian angel----->

she is glamorous.
she wears a different neon color on each fingernail.
she likes bamboo earrings. and tiaras.
she pretends to not see me sometimes.
she and i are really connected.
she is silly.
she is ambidextrous.
she is thick with long wavy hair.
she likes the cut of italian wardrobing.
she sometimes mocks me in my movements.
she is quite good at painting. and calculus.
she pays close attention to the hair on her face...eyelashes and eyebrows
she is cynical.
she is thai and black.
she has been trained in both modern and ballet.
she sometimes likes to dress like me.
she is single...i would become jealous if she got in a relationship.
she likes wrestling shoes.
she sometimes runs really fast and leaps really far.
okay...that helps...

photographer: marlo
models: ladawan, stefani
styling: moi

...............................

i assisted for the lamborghini (?) show last night.
really...white folks will never cease to intrigue and amaze me....
especially rich ones. the event was invitation only, and i
am sitting there watching folks interact. i see
dresses from gucci's spring collection (2006 that is), i see BOTOX (never
ever have i noticed that on real like folks before, oh my), i
see white loafers, i see valet parking the matchbox cars
that i played with as a child....i just see a lot. and perhaps
for a brief moment i lapsed into thinking i fit in.
i really think i did; as i helped to prepare for the show damn near every
woman inquired about my pink colorful hoodie with skulls
and sequins. true...the hoodie is dope.
"i just have got to get that sweatjacket"....(smile)

i dunno. let me say this correctly. doing shows comparable
to this one has often placed me in an environment around
wealthy white people. i am awed when i look at these clones
mix, mingle, and interact...but they consistently come to us for
whats next. buying culture. these shows that i am doing are
always directed by a black man. he has ridiculous vision
and his work is detailed with scripts, props, intricate
choreography....he is great at what he does. and he leads them.

there is a science behind this. dosa says that you walk
with them...observe them...then make money
by safely standing apart from them. and i believe
this is what terrance has done.

i dunno if i can do it.
can i?
dunno if i want to do it.
...............

brandon leaves for the summer today
:(

.................

dj kemits birthday!
wooo hoooo, most fun i've had in a long time!

seasons shift...

i walked into her bedroom, and she turned to look at me grinning from ear to ear....
"hey pam, i have good news"
"yay...so do i! you go first"
"i am completely breast cancer free! and with the cancer cells in my brain the cells are no longer spreading, so thats good. its just that radiation is not working to its capacity, but over time it will. i am being taken off of these steroids....and yea, i'm getting better"
i just sat there and smiled. i had an urge to jump on her...but i resisted.
"okay so your turn, whats your good news"
i now felt mad wak about my news. how do you follow up a report about how one is
successfully fighting for their life....?
"ummmm, nothin major, sisley/united colors of benetton called me today to come in next week for a 'chat' next week".
"i really dunno what that is, but you seem happy, i assume it deals with clothes, SO i'm proud of you"

i told her that we are in one another's lives now, so we are connected. i explained that because of our connection, our seasons are shifting together.... she smiled.

.................

i heard him screaming at the top of his lungs. i faded out and went back to sleep. about 5 minutes later...an hour later, not so sure, i laid there voluntarily frozen, refusing to move. i heard the ambulance, police car, some vehicle for emergencies keep passing the house. i knew that they were lost. i also knew that they were trying to get to the house. the house was actually pretty silent. i stared at the ceiling and just imagined what wrong turn the ambulance/police car had taken. once i heard them pull up the driveway, it became harder for me to breathe. i didn't want to be apart of what was going on downstairs, and i refused to move. for once...i wanted to ignore the chaos.

i heard the door open and a man's voice said "10-4"....i thought...now is that the police or ambulance...or do they both say that? "okay mam, can u hear us? tell me how you fell..."
ambulance.

i just laid on my back and started my conversation with God. we exchanged for about, i dunno how long, but when it was over i got up. i went to the room next door, robert was still sleep. good. as i was coming down the stairs, i watched the front door close. courtney was handing her father her mother's purse. i looked at my 15 year old cousin, and she looked at me. i stood there on the stairs, and she stood there in the dark living room....it was a long second.
no parts of me wanted to inquire....
"courtney...whas goin on?"
"ughhhh....my mom fell and hit her head"
i could hear movement in the kitchen...fast movement...much faster than i am used to hearing him move. i walked into the kitchen, and watched his fear and anxiety take over him. 5 strokes permit no one to move like that...it looked unnatural and i got scared. i followed him to the car and began to plead with him...."let me drive you....let me ride with you....c'mon, let me get a jacket, i'm coming"
no
no
no
"pam you just stay by the phone, i'll be fine"
i told him to follow the ambulance and drive safely.
my heart hurt. he barely drives during the day, and never after sunset.
i was torn. i really wanted to make sure he was safe, but then i knew that i had to stay with the kids.
he left.
the lights stop flashing.
courtney removed her face from the window pane.

i sat in the dark and cried. hard.

............

i wonder if i too will have a relapse.

just do....

James 1:22-25

1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.
1:23 For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:
1:24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.
1:25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

can't stop....no desires of my heart can be obtained if i'm stagnant. i won't wait for anything to
happen...you push for what you want. you do.

................

a photoshoot that has been approximately 4 months in the making took place on saturday.
the photographer works for turner, and travels a LOT. he cancelled and rescheduled at least
two times. no worries though, not only was he a dope photographer, he was a beautiful person.
we worked well together...and i will push for it to happen again. i am always honored when
i am the baby on board of a A+ team....(coming from a voice of humility) something is so right
about that. i know what i want my book to reflect, and i know the direction that i am heading in,
conceptually, now. for once, i know.

dosa said "make no exceptions, make sure that what you see in your head is what's executed.
commit". i think it was captured....i hope.

................

what if we lived our lives always concerned with how people react to us?
i don't want to care anymore.
i figure if i live in truth...honor my feelings....nothing too much matters.
yea?
yes.

...................

but i don't dream....

the women of my family were headed to the mall for a "girls day out".
for some odd reason, i drove seperately, and mom and robin were in
another car. they instructed me to park my car in a nearby parking
deck so that we could all ride together. they trailed me to the
deck, and waited for me in their car at the bottom of the ramp.

the parking deck was filled, but i was lucky to find a spot not too
far from where mom and robin where patiently waiting. they
watched me whip the corolla to turn into a narrow slot... and i
hopped out the car.

as i walked towards them, i sensed movement behind me.
my car was now proceeding up the ramp. i glanced back at mom
and robin, and their facial expressions said "handle it".
feeling like this was a bit odd, i slowly followed my car as we
passed rows of cars. there was no one driving...but my car
was moving.

my car eased around the slight curve to continue moving
higher up the ramp. as it slowed down, i realized that
it was beginning to park again. relieved, i glanced
back at my family with a hint of pride. i felt like
i controlled the situation well...i mean the car was now
parking again. the second i looked back at my car,
i realized that it was not moving into a parking space
but was driving up a wide stairwell. i got nervous.

i took baby steps to move towards my car. i kept
throwing my hands out, as if i would be able to catch
it if it happened to fall. i was whimpering, hoping
that my car would ease back down the steep set
of steps.

instinctively, my body knew to move back.
i sat there and watched my car flip over
backwards and land on the roof. the impact
was intense and glass flew every direction.
i yelled. my chest was tight. i felt like the wind
had been knocked out of me. i was scared to look
back because i knew that they would be angry.

when i eventually turned around, no one was there.
(may 2, 2006, around 4ishpm)
.........................

i know i had another bad dream last night because i woke
up praying out of my sleep again. my body was tense.
i just can't remember.

this is weird. everything is so real and absolutely
disastrous.

i don't remember dreams often...but when i do....

we were in this huge room that was filled with all different types of people. young. old. black. white. rich. poor.... random mix. the space was designed to offer an open exchange amongst everyone; many people stood up in their seats and spoke about their lives (often times, their current situations). sienna and i sat on a high table looking down on the many desks. we were in the back.

this woman came to sit at a desk near us. she had anxious energy...and kept saying how badly she wanted to walk to the direct front of the room, and speak out to everyone.
"you should"...i told her. she kept glancing at me in my eyes and nodding her head. it was weird because sienna's entire vibe towards the woman was extremely cold. and the woman picked up on it. the woman proceeds to walk past me and put her finger at the tip of sienna's nose. without any hesitation, the sienna pushed the woman's hand away. the woman taunted her again, sienna pushed her again.

i silently watched.

aside from the low bickering and aggressive hand slaps, i knew that this was not going to escalate. the woman stepped back, glared at sienna, stormed out the room, and started yelling down the hall. some random white girl was not too far behind.

i was scared. i looked over at sienna with her long hair and primary color baseball cap. her body was tense, but her facial expression was calm...."yea...i don't like her". i said nothing.

..............

the second time around, sienna and i were sitting on the table looking down at the same woman sitting at a nearby desk. sienna kept both quiet and her distance. the woman acted like i was the only person she saw. "i mean, its so hard for me out here. i have nobody. its just me against the world. its not easy out here with aids". i proceeded to lift my dangling leg and push her desk away from me with my foot at the front of her desk. she just stared at me and said "SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT. I TRY TO OPEN UP, AND PEOPLE PUSH ME AWAY".

i felt ridiculous. i hopped off the table and dragged the woman's desk close to me. "i am SO SORRY. i am trippin". during our dialogue i had to make mental notes...okay pam, you will not catch aids from sitting next to her. okay pam...console her, touch her hand (pam you won't get aids that way). glance at your hands to make sure u don't have any cuts...okay you're cool. go head touch her hand...seem genuine, do it for like 4 seconds, then let go.

we discussed her circumstances. i genuinely wanted to help, i just genuinely didn't want to end up with a deadly virus. i would have these out of body seconds, where i could see myself sitting desk to desk with her, and sienna looking down on us. the woman kept saying she wanted to go up front and speak....i told her to do so....

....................

somehow we both ended up at the front of the room. i don't recall walking there. she never spoke. she was standing and i was sitting down at a desk. she pulled me up, i knew that we were going seperate directions. she pulled me into her body, and we hugged. i assume that she actually placed it into my back about 5 seconds before i felt it. i knew my reaction was delayed. i immediately jumped back because i knew exactly what she had done. i was injected with a needle filled with her blood.

i just thought about my life. the past and the future. i yelled and screamed.
"but i was nice to you!....i mean i know i pushed u away, but i let u back in....no one else did, but me!" sienna just stared at me and said....

"you let people in entirely too quickly."

.......................

when i came out of my dream i was too scared to open my eyes. my body was sore, and my back literally felt like i had gotten a shot. i prayed. i prayed. i prayed. there was an ill presence in the room. i slowly opened my eyes and immediately turned on the lights.

....................

i throw tantrums when i don't get my way....

my heart is always eager to love. i love that about me...and i hate that about me.
balance.
.................

God operates in seasons, and the closer we get to Her (today), the better we learn how to adjust to the time(s). Time is to be honored. Yesterday i ran up the steps and stopped dead in my tracks, and touched the sihlouette of my body, and i got chills. i announced to myself...."i love this moment...i love 22". and i do....because i know that once its gone, its gone. i am learning how to reverse situations and seek progression. i cannot be still. there is no success in wasting time. its amazing how i will have days where i can get sooooooooooo much accomplished, and weeks where i am talking more than moving.

no season is ever a bad season. each one has its perks and downfalls. everyday is blessed.
why? because God is still in control...
and that brings me absolute hope and peace.

...................

i've been asked to read for a part in For Colored Girls.
"i know you're a stylist, but i can foresee you having a strong stage presence. you were one
of the first people to pop into my mind".....
well....i did used to act.....
i was ranked in my county for performance....
hmmmm.....
as insecure as i am about being in the midst of trained actors, i am equally excited.
OK, ITS REALLY CUTE HOW I AM TALKING LIKE I ALREADY GOT THE PART....
i'm gonna try my best.

...................

when dealing with people, nine times out of ten, i have a pretty solid gaze on how our friendship/realtionship will grow. and even when i am wrong initially, i am generally pretty
pleased with our outcome.

today i am wrong. well, i am wrong for now. its amazing how easily i
get so caught in moments...knowing that this is a breif moment in time, i am good for forcing that moment to be all, end all.

even though i may be displeased with the outcome now...no parts of me doubt that this is best.
*hmph...arms folded*
so many lessons to learn.

.....................

i am brilliant.
i am gorgeous.
i am talented.
i am fabulous.
~God's daughter.

***i've been reading random people's blogs lately...its amazing how many DOPE people the world hosts. its beautiful.


...cute, happy belated. that was fun.

akeelah and the bee....GO SEE IT!

driving into work this morning, NPR covered the duke rape story. but they covered it in more of a "durham has such a racial divide" kind of way and less like a woman was raped by two men. it was fascinating to listen to, i felt like i was in another era. i could mentally picture every person that was interviewed. big country white men that wore too tight suits, and clean distinguished black men that were dressed impeccably.
white men....city official (i don't remember, some position of clout) "well, i mean if you're a stripper do you really expect anything else to happen" *heh heh heh*, coming from a self righteous fat man.
black men.....duke professor "i mean, i never knew how the community felt about duke until now...now my friends are telling me that they feel like we dictate everything" *wimper wimper, cry cry*, coming from a grown, displaced, and lonely man.

when someone is raped, until justice is served (legally, because Lord knows its never really served), then no other issue outside of getting to the bottom of who did what needs to be discussed. i have been going to durham for 22 years now...there is nothing new about the segregation in the city. it annoys me when everything outside of the actual issue takes precedence for dissection and analyzation.

two white duke lacrosse players rape a black woman that is a stripper.
two white college students rape a black stripper.
two white boys rape a black woman.
a woman was raped.
simple as that.

.....................

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same....

-Marianne Williamson

WOW.
.....................

every single day is not a purpose driven day.
i know what i want to do...i know what i do....
i have no plan. the goal?
to be able to live off of styling.
the plan? grind.
no...thats what you do.
the plan?
can't what i do be apart of the plan?
yes. but grind towards....?
the plan?

.................

pick up a book genuis.

sometimes u feel like a nut, sometimes you....nah i feel nutty

i have an anointed gift to be able to see the Beautiful. i am humbled, for i feel that this is a great gift to have. however, i now realize that i have so much to learn when it comes to understanding my gift. at twenty two, i am just now beginning to dig beneath the Beautiful....a lot is no longer looking the same. my eye is changing. much of what i used to deem as the Beautiful is now hard for me to look at.

.......

do i rejoice or cry in the painful truth.

.......

we kick rocks....

he sat on pluto and i stared at him from uranus. i admired the way his long legs dangled...his whole body was long. the entire galaxy waited on us. everyone anticipated out next move...
we moved slow.

his chocolate skin was the perfect contrast to the hot pink space surrounding him. he was a star, and all the way from uranus i knew it. i figure that he had to see me. i was sitting right in front of him; from millions of lightyears away i stared into his face.

every now and again i received gifts of sun splashes or crowns created from the stars. i never seemed to actually catch my secret admirers because i was too busy staring at him. something in me knew that the gifts weren't from him.

not yet at least.