justice...

so i dunno that much about the group or their music.
i just know that i adored their single "dance"...
and the imagery with the video was pretty fun and exciting.

i have watched this trailer a couple of times...
and there is something about an illuminated cross...
and really happy people shaking a leg that makes me smile.

i want to watch the documentary when its released.

JUSTICE
by rockenseine

39th anniversary.

so i am extremely clear on why i am the way i am.
i believe that i can find one person to love and spend the rest of my life with.
it's only been recently since i've pretended like the idea is farfetched.
i've sat quietly when people denounced the whole institution of marriage...
i've even considered theories of it being archaic, and no longer properly
in sync with the agendas of today.

fuck today.

i've had an example

.......

okay...lets do this...how did you guys meet?

well...we were at a basketball game, and he was playing.
i was there supporting my boyfriend phillip. after the
game, this guy ricky came over and said 'zone, there
is this guy that really wants to meet you. he saw you
sitting in the stands. can you wait around for him to
come out the locker room to meet you?' and i said
'sure'.

MOM!!!! you said you were there to support your boyfriend...
that is shady....

i know...but phillip was two timing me...and i knew it.
it didn't matter...phillip has PLENTY of girlfriends.
anyways, i was curious. so your father
came and said that he noticed me sitting up there...and
just wanted to know if he could have my address so that
he could write me. i said 'yes'.

WRITING LETTERS? see, thats what i need mom. i don't
wanna talk to anybody...i hate talking on the phone.
WRITE ME A LETTER! i love that. so he wrote you?

yea he did...but here's the thing. that night i told him
that i was a senior, but i was really a junior. your
father was already a freshman in college, so i wanted
to seem older. when i got the letter, i decided that i
really needed to come clean. so i told him that i
was a junior....phillip and i were over by then.

you really are a mess to me right now. so many
ridiculous details that i never knew. okay...how
many letters were exchanged before you two
physically saw one another again?

...ummm. not many. maybe one or two. then
he asked if he could take me out. and i said
that i had to ask my mother. so mama said
that he could come over for a house visit.
so he came...and daddy preached to him the
whole time (*my grandfather was a preacher)...
so we sat there and listened. and then we
sat in a room and talked, with the door open.

GRANDADDY PREACHED? hahahahaaaa....
were you embarrassed?

...ughhhh yea! but i was in my parent's house...
so if daddy wanted to preach, then thats what
he was gonna do.

okay. so dad. did you know that mom was going
to be your wife? like immediately...?

ughhhh...yea.

really? you knew off break?

::pause:: well...no. but i was certain after about
a year...maybe less.

okay..and mom, how early in the relationship
were you hopeful that dad would be your
husband?

well pam, your father and i dated for 3 years.
i would say that i knew after i enrolled into
st. aug (my father was in his junior year, when
my mother attended as a freshman).

what character traits were you hesitant about
with one another?

...i don't get what u mean.

okay for example...like dad parties too much,
and you are sitting around in the house waiting
for him to come home.

::in unison:: oh noooooo....that was never an issue.

ugh. okay. lets sayyyyy...faith, you guys had
difference in faith, or were just on different
agendas altogether.

ohhh okay. well you know i grew up pentecostal
and your father grew up baptist.

MOM THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE! the only blip there
there is that your church services were 9 hours
and dad's were 2.

hahahahahahahaha! yea you're right. girl,
God's hand has been provisioning over our
friendship since day one. we've had fun and
its been good.

:::silence:::
its too perfect guys. i mean, did you ever have
lowlights....low years.

yes. definitely. but we always fought through it.
we fight...all the time.

mama, i love it when you say that.

****************

notes:
i paid attention to her family...and i really liked them.
they reminded me of my family

okayyyy....so thats cool. but what if they didn't?

well then, i'd probably have another story to tell.

my sister says: so much has been lost over the years.

i conclude: its a new day. everything is a mess.

*i need to start carrying a tape recorder around.

my heaven...

to my girls: intoxication made everything in technicolor. even sound.
to my boy: you're always on time.

i love you kids.

....

break my bread and give me my wine.
i stood there with my head back, eyes closed,
and my mouth wide open. i was eager
to feel the smooth tasteless wafer on
the tip of my tongue.

i waited.
and i waited.

nothing.

he had made the decision that communion
wasn't for me today. a man chose that for me.


today is the only day i've ever needed to
taste His body and drink His blood.
...and now i stand here with no alternative to
save my soul.

i am dying.

i begin to close my mouth...the salty tears
on my dry tongue are disgusting.

i'm completely empty.
and this aint holy.

come by my house. and drop off packs upon packs of halls cough drops. please.

i have officially been sick for five days now.

...and feeling this way is beginning to feel normal.

i'm acting normal, my habits haven't changed.

thursday: i went to work. roamed soho. went to see jdavey.
friday: i skipped work. went on a date (well...thats by no means is normal)
saturday: i went to work. went out to eat. laughed and drank.
...i laughed and drank after: sudafed, thefa-flu, and echinacea.
i'm brilliant. i know.
sunday: i woke up (thankfully). went to church. went to brunch. ran errands. cleaned. watched movies.

all of this is normal behavior.
normal behavior for me.

the worst part about all of this is how embarressed i get when i'm on the train coughing up my lungs, and everyone looks at me like a diseased leper. (mony b lingo)
somehow my throat knows when i am entering the threshold of train doors...and involuntarily all moisture in my throat evaporates, and i begin to believe that the idea of saliva and its purposes is some ancient myth.

magically, it ONLY happens on the train.

....

i'm considering walking across the brooklyn bridge to get home tonight.
no need in upsetting perfectly content subway passengers.
i'll be fine.
i'll just walk alone.

the big and small of it all

so much pressure
and so today i died.
and inherited a legion of idiot giants.
we met somewhere between the white clouds and the green tree tops.
green as in purple, of course.
some of the idiot giants hailed me as God...they understood that She lived in the sky.
but I am no God, I am merely...
one of them.
an idiot giant in my own right, yet the size of an infant in their eyes
they are always looking down in my direction, yet no one seems to really see me.

all me. now.

listless, lackadaisical loud lips learning literary life.

maniacal mastermind meddling, misguided, making mischief.

nomadic naysayers navigating natural narcissism.

overactive ovaries obliviously outpouring optimism.

passionate particularities powerfully propelling preference.

.......

that came quick.

but now i'm tired.

i do work...

i always show up on time.
rarely leave early.
when i'm mad, i actually think before i speak.
and i only gossip about once a week.

they like me because:
i'm black and tall.
i'm thorough.
i can generate hearty laughter.
i initiate "food runs".
i have single-handedly shifted the visuals.


they pay me for my ideas.
and i work hard for that money.








very hard.

it was all a dream!

pretty women. thunderous laughter. peaceful space. british accents. boca burgers. beyonce choreography. hand holding. pastel creations. relationship analysis. afro punk. tiona. sunday brunch. church clap. suggestive inquiry. barbie + deron. midday nap. wall-e/obama. atlanta revisited. nighttime stroll. color blind. locks + natural. astrology guru. 3am buzzer. unfinished business. quiet time. silent healing.
movie magic. different opinions. cameras clicking. hair braiding. pork + beans. missed calls. liquor + (his) wine. reconciliation meet-up. attitudinal behavior. sad + mourning. honest labels. static sitcom. rooftop fireworks. janelle monae. mon-qua. next level. scissors + skirts. class preparation. donwill. premature bedtimes. five spot. belligerent police. backseat emcees. jalylah's smile. eastern parkway. that boy.

............

if you're here tonight...please stand after hearing your name:

karla morrison.
pamela jackson.
kwesi abbensetts.
monique brantly.
grace sanders.

...everyone, please give these people a round of applause for being the best.

so smart.

go alone the first time (no need in feeling insecure about all of your emotions)...
and the second time...bring along 4 children, and 2 adults

celestial obsession.

dear petunia,

you stink dear.
everyone always talks about how they
wish to sit right next to you.
they think that your essence will
somehow jump from your pores into
theirs. they like what you give off.
i don't like it.
i would actually prefer to stay away.
not all the time...just most of the time.

someone suggested that i bring you home
with me the other evening.
i kindly declined.

the thing is, if you came, then you would
have wanted to stay...and its not that
you're not cool...you just stink.
its your core.
i try to stay fresh. i really do try.
your mere presence alerts me to stay back.
maybe its just a personal message for me.
...because people like you..they like
you a lot. and i can't lie, you're
beautiful to look at...i just can
only observe from a distance.

perhaps i'm being a bit vain.
how could i have not thought about
this before? maybe you don't like how
i smell!!! right? i mean, its apparent
that you're okay with what you
exude...so with me being different and
all...maybe you don't care for my
"odor". ...vanity, yet again.
maybe you don't care for my odor.

........

but if that were the case, then
you wouldn't keep trying to be close
to me all the time.
i want to say that i'm confused, but
i'm not. i get you.

i'll just watch you from over here.

sincerely,
cloud

both today and tomorrow.

i am an amazon times ten.
the female version of paul bunyan.

quite perfectly, i walk with grace
and poise. its never my intention
to make anyone feel threatened.
i am the easy giant.

i like many people, but i know
not everyone likes me.
however, i do captivate.
many are curious.

.................................

i still live in the city...even though
i tower miles above the tallest
skyscrapers. i pay close
attention to make sure that
i am not stepping on anyone's
prized territory. its not my style.

i move only when clear with
my directions...otherwise i stand
still. many view me as a statue.
i don't mind being looked at.
i like holding my head
high in the heavens. this way
my eyes stay on God.

just moving forward.
just minding my business.

la dee da...(eh....3.0)

i am tired of writing about the boo boo cops in my neighberhood...
the story ends with me asking for daily circulation between
certain times....the times when suspect activity is at its
peak (1-3am)...
the cop (the one hour late cop) looks at me, and asks me where i'm from...

....i paused...hesitant of where she was headed with that question

"look. welcome to bedstuy. i mean you chose to live here. this is
bedstuy. you live in the heart of the 79th precinct...and this
is where its the worst. welcome to the SEVEN NINE...i mean
this is what it is. so if you want to live here...i mean....
expect stuff like this"

in conclusion 79th precinct cops:
1. lie and make up stories.
2. lie again.
3. arrive far after danger has passed.
4. tell you not to expect safety, but rather ruckus and unsafe excitement.

...........

okay...allan my turn, my turn.
my results are kind of funny.
play along friends...the results are kind of interesting.
this is some music meme...activity...i guess.
and you sort your itunes a to z...and write out
the first song for each letter that comes up.

make sense? probably not...
here is another explanation: a better explanation

A...abet wubet...gigi

B....baba says cool for thought....lupe fiasco

C...call me (instrumental)...slum village

D...da rawness....melo-x

E....e luxo so....rosa passos

F....f.i.r.s.t....algorythm (HOLLLLERRRR)

G...the game....common

H....half day closing...portishead

I....i adore you....esperanza spalding

J....jacob's ladder....mickey factz

K...keep it moving...hi-tek

L....la nuit d"octobre....serge gainsbourg

M....madelena....elis regina

N....naima....angelique kidjo

O....ode to billy joe....lou donaldson

P....p.d.a.....john legend

Q....querelas do brasil....elis regina

R....racing thru time...kathy diamond

S....sabatical with option...prefuse 73

T....take off your cool...outkast feat. norah jones

U....u, black, maybe...common

V....venemous....heavy

W....walk it out...andre 3000 mixtape

X....xr2....m.i.a.

Y.....yeah you....nerd

Z..... no go

i don't like my results...
i wanna do it again....
and lie.
and choose songs that i think make
me sound cool and deep.
(because i have plenty of songs that make me
seem cool and deep)

79th precinct 2.0

"its all clear guys"

i watch the backs of the anxious cops as they walk out the door...
only one stays behind.

"okay. ladies...it really was probably nothing. probably
just some guys up there smoking weed on the roof. when
they looked down and saw all of us, they probably thought
that we were here for them...and freaked out".

i am staring at this man intensely as he dives deeper into
his hypothetical story...

"or probably not sir. if you enter a building from the roof,
then you have a clear motive. and i'm confused, where did the guys
go? and what do you mean 'probably thought we were here
for them'...you were here for them right? you had responded
to my roomates 911 call"

he doesn't know where to begin.
so he is quiet for a moment.

"the reason why we were here was as a response to a police
radio alert. we heard that a cop was shot in the building
next door. we had no idea what had happened here in 355.
so no, initially we were not here for your incident. and i am
guessing that the guys on the roof saw us, got scared, saw
your hatch, broke in, and escaped"

"but to escape they had to walk out the front door. directly
PAST YOU"

"well mam...we don't know who is a resident of every single
buiding"

....he's right.
i'm so irritated...and he's totally right.

"okay. who do i need to call to feel safe? apparently
the cops that are already informed about our situation
have yet to arrive. its been like forty minutes.
this is a building with all women residents...we complain
about the building next door DAILY. shit keeps going
down, and now your saying that cop got SHOT?! next door
is nothing but squatters...no locks...people just walk in.
we need safety. i don't think anyone smoking on the roof
thinks that the best escape route is breaking and entering...
its bigger than that. who do i speak to?"

he looks at me and asks for a pen and paper.
he writes the words community affairs, a number, and
a couple of names.

"this is who you call. and ask for these people.
here is my badge number and my name...oh, and 311
is always an option"

..."i know. i've spoken to 311 plenty of times"

he begins to walk out...

"SIR...WHAT NOW?! our roof is wide open...and
you're leaving?"

"oh...ummm...well emergency services is on their
way. they will conduct an investigation up there"

"will there be an overlap? are you going to wait
until they come?"

"...mmhm, i'll be around. they're on their way"

he left.
and emergency services never came.

79th precinct. 1.0

i grew up in silver spring maryland.
its the suburbs...about 15 minutes outside
of northwest dc.
two car garages, clean sidewalks,
synchronized streetlights after midnight,
perfectly maintained parks,
familiar neighbors, annual
carnivals at the local elementary
school, bike ramps, creeks
with crawfish, swim team,
communal tennis courts.

you can see it right?
*if not, think "father of the bride" scenery.

............

my roomate knocks on my bedroom door...
she is holding her 14 month old niece.
"hey pam...don't overreact, but when
tammy and i were coming up the stairs
we passed two men coming down. now,
i don't think they're guests because i didn't
recognize them, and when we reached our
floor, we saw that the roof hatch was open.
so they somehow broke it. ....and now
i just looked out the window, and our entire
building is now surrounded by police".

my heart stopped.
and i stared at her niece.

i lifted my laptop from my thighs,
hopped out of bed, and grabbed
the shorts laying on my chair.

i prayed. loudly.

"amen"
..."amen"....i had forgotten tammy was here.

i stepped on my bed, stood in the windowsill
and looked down at the chaos taking place
on the street. about fifteen cops stood outside
my front door, and neighbors talked amongst
themselves. i collapsed and sat still for a second.

i ran to the front door...and made sure everything was locked.
tammy and abby sat on the couch.
they looked comfortable.
abby stood on her mother's legs and bounced around.

being on the top floor puts our apartment at immediate
risk for anyone entering from the roof. in the back room,
windows open up to the fire escape that scales the length
of the entire building.

"did you make sure all windows are locked in the back?"
"well...theyre locked now, but they were open earlier while i was out".
"ummm, did you check and make sure we're alone?"
"yea...my room is cool."
"okay...close your door"

i go back into my room and sit in my windowsill.
i open the screens, and literally lean out of the window.

not one policemen looks up.
i am scared.
i don't want to yell.
i am staring down at the heads of the cops...and over
the many random onlookers.

this is a scene.
everything feels unreal.

i am trying to speak...and its taking me a moment
to actually hear my voice.
finally.
an officer looks up...then what seems like a sea
of people turn their faces our direction.

i can hear my roomate from the living room
window speaking to him. fingers are
pointed at us. i retreat back onto my bed.

within the minute i hear a stampede of
footsteps coming up our stairwell...
they came quick.
,,,too quick.

i was expecting a delay assuming that
they would apprehend the trespassers first.
no?
no.

"hey ladies. whats going on?"
my roomate speaks.
sitting on the floor, tammy continues to
play with abby.
"two men? when? where?"
she speaks again.
"but we didn't see two men.
were they coming or going?"

i'm confused.
either they went back up onto the roof.
or they forced entry into one of the remaining apartments.
or they walked out the front door.

judging from the baffled expressions,
i am leaning towards number three.

a couple climb the ladder to search the roof,
while others go into the back room to make sure
no one else is in the apartment.

they all briskly walk towards the back with their
hands on their guns.

God save me.
i mean...us.

...............

chosen family. (the older brother)

he lives in his head.
i live in my heart.

we don't talk much.
and when we do...the
conversation is memorable.

he shakes his head at my sarcasm.
i dismiss his chauvinism.

we work.

blindsighted at my core.

i'm sitting on the train and its somewhere between 3 am and 4 am.
my inner thighs are stiff from the cartwheel races, and my right hip
hurts altogether. i push my butt deeper into the seat, lean over, and press
my elbows into my thighs. i take my glasses off and set them
so that my knees are now wearing them. with my chin in my
hands i begin to look around.

i can't see anything.

faces are blurred. the train feels accelerated, kind of like
a rocket ship. i think. i close my eyes and the sensation
escalates it all feels even more frightening. i turn
my head to the right, my friend is sitting
perfectly still with his eyes closed. his eyelids
aren't even moving...he seems comfortable.

..this strikes me as being odd.

i squint my eyes to make out facial expressions
from the blur of colors surrounding me. everyone
seems genuinely comfortable. i mean, no one
looks uncomfortable. no one seems to look
the way i feel. i place my glasses back onto
my face, feeling like i am moving at a warped speed.

its confirmed...everyone is comfortable.

i look at the seats diagonal from me, and that
guy is sitting there. i see him all the time,
and we always acknowledge one another.
i hope he doesn't think i am shady because
i didn't speak. ....but i guess he didn't speak
either. maybe he saw that i was feeling panicked,
and that i couldn't see. i wouldn't want to speak
to me either.

i have high energy.
i am blind.

..........

makes sense...i did watch STEVIE WONDER sing tonight.

lets talk

you, my dear, have been an absolute mess.
either stay in your room, or shape up when you're around folks.
its unacceptable, and you need to grow up.
make some decisions...commit to changes...
and continue to move forward.

or just simply move.
look back
take notes
and remember how to move.

no more outbursts.
no more dismissals.

just deal.

....

thank you all for not escorting me to bellevue.

.....

ummmm.....this is hella random.
but i am SO clear on why i am the way i am.
she danced. dressed. and gave "the help" gifts...
between rudy and polly...keisha knight pulliam
was my role model from age 6 until 12.

i am the happiest girl you know...

i just reserve my smiles for public settings.





...or so it seems.

heart shaped box

i wish i could eat your cancer when you turn black.
....

its kind of what we did.
feelings got hurt....
our colors shifted...
and we ate it all up.

i ate it all up.

....

sorry.

...........