please sit still. please.

tonight i have forced myself to leave the apartment. it has taken me over an hour to just bend down and slip on my sperry loafers. something in me will not let me not go. not tonight.

i forget who invited me, but i'm here at a dinner party. i've literally just walked in and this space is completely
bare. its a huge room with minimal furniture, and exposed brick walls. ehhh, give or take, there are about seventeen people here. these are remarkably boring looking people, i'm drawn to no one. its like, there are small cliques sitting in different areas of the room, and oddly something tells me that everyone present is connected. there is just no order here, i have no clue as to who is the host.

who the hell invited me?...i don't recognize anybody.

i am standing here in front of the door, glancing from face to face hoping for welcoming eyes. directly across from me, there is this woman sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. i like her sea green blouse, it has a small floral print...she reminds me of an m&m from the easter bag. her rough blond curls hid her eyes until she pushed her thick bangs to the side.

she looks up and sees me.

two seconds later, she starts sucking her teeth and rolling her eyes. she turns her head to the left and covers her face with her huge, frazzled curls. i can't do this...why am i here?

i take a couple of steps forward refusing to make eye contact with anyone else. i need a drink. i still don't know whose home i'm in...so i guess it'll be best to serve myself. i walk over to the kitchen area and quietly open the refrigerator door. there sat on the top shelf three rows of Newman's pink lemonade. its pretty amazing..this top shelf looks perfect...not one carton out of place. slightly trippy. i feel both touched and annoyed...i really like it when things look like this, but lemonade is a miserable beverage. it dries out my tongue.

i am not sure how much time has passed, but i do know that things around me have changed. the air feels different. i think i feel a breeze...that wasn't there before. someone must have turned on a fan. and i now smell grease...someone is cooking bacon. SHIT. see, this is why i never leave my apartment. this is so embarrassing. i have stood here stuck and completely still, looking at lemonade for who knows how long. this is humiliating, i hope no one noticed. i do this all the time...freeze. why am i here? why did i leave my apartment? for God's sake, i am at a random and boring dinner party...
where breakfast food is being cooked.

and the only drink option is LEMONADE!!!

i slowly start to close the fridge door, hoping to blend in with this blah crowd. i dart my eyes over to the wall...that woman is staring at me and grinning from ear to ear. she saw me. i just know she was watching me while i was frozen. i look down and turn my back....i hate myself and i am leaving.

"HEY! I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT ME!"

i turn around to glare at her, and she has now turned her head and is staring the opposite direction. i feel it coming. i can't stop watching her fat, uneven curls settle into place. why did she just scream so loudly? i mean...its not like
any of these zombies reacted to her noise, but she didn't have to yell. i'm standing right here. there is no music, and no one is speaking above a muffled murmur....why did she yell?

her curls are taking forever to sit perfectly still. i really hope that she doesn't turn back around. i won't be able to move until she sits absolutely still. my insanity is exhausting. the look of perfection is always what i wish to see. even when its not perfect. she desperately needs a trim!! and i know this.

but i'll stand here, frozen, until i see what i want to see.
i always do.

.....

dear world.
dear universe.
show me lots + lots + lots of love.
please.
i need to see so much love that it surrounds me.
and gets deep into my pores.
so i can go swimming...
...perhaps even drown.
again.