a beautiful mind

Paranoia is a disturbed thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.

More recently, the clinical use of the term has been used to describe delusions where the affected person believes they are being persecuted. Specifically, they have been defined as containing two central elements:

1. The individual thinks that harm is occurring, or is going to occur, to him or her.
2. The individual thinks that the persecutor has the intention to cause harm.

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Schizophrenia, from the Greek roots schizein (σχίζειν, "to split") and phrēn, phren- (φρήν, φρεν-, "mind"), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction.

......

there lies no difference between my world and the real world.
its all the same.

here to stay: (i know this is forever)

parents that really love me.
neon.
brilliant siblings.
feel good fabric.
these dancing hips.
this amnesic heart.
the living word.
stefani's eyes.
fresh bouqets
seven perfect women.
all movement in the sky.
text + color.

here today: (i adore today...hope to have forever...but i do understand if its fleeting)

pantone #660099.
my waistline.
his way of loving me.
the bookstore on 42nd and 6th.
faith in the unseen.
manicures.
fingertips.
blurry faces.
sartorialist.com.
paulo ceolho.
exciting distractions.

fading away: (mission accomplished...or aborted)

ugly people.
stilettos.
atlanta, ga.
crowds and large groups.
oprah.
wandering.
jellybeans.
vogue.
the color gold.


...........

if i wish to stop walking backwards...then i just have to turn around.

...........

my head is the size of a blimp.
no one ever wants to walk down the same side of the street as me.
i always walk alone. i still yell at passer-byers across the street...wishing
them lovely days and safe nights. most just pretend not
to hear me and stare straight ahead. few glance my direction.
it doesn't bother me...i am certain that they all see me.
i have never ever seen anybody walking down the street that
even slightly resembles me.

my head is rather large...although i
do suppose that my body looks like theirs. linear.

this morning a little girl was walking towards me.
we were sharing the same side of the street.
i could barely control myself. i began to
jog...i couldn't wait another second...i just
had to know what it felt like to "brush shoulders"
with someone. her dress was stark white with
a lace overlay. she marched in her patent
leather mary janes and rosette trimmed bobby
socks. for a millisecond, i was concerned
that her chocolate skin threatened to
stain her gleaming garments.
this child's face was a perfect circle,

i was immediately thankful that everyone else always
walked on the other side of the street.
no one compared to the perfection of this
girl...and i had the privlege of walking
next to her. me and only me.

one more block to go.

her little short legs seemed to
move so slowly. if she could
just grow tall for the next
15 seconds...i would be that
much closer to walking past God.
i quickened my pace.

her curls bounced with each step.

only one more exaggerated step and
i would be directly parallel to
my first love.

she began to walk slower...
her eyes stayed low...she
was fixated on my doc martens.
i began to clear my throat...
uncontrollably and at the top of my
lungs i screamed
"good morning God!"

....i couldn't help it. it just
came out. loudly.

she took a step backwards,
lifted her eyes, and peered into
mine.

her voice sounded the
way she looked...sweet.
"...do you love me?"

i didn't think first.
"i think so."

...she squinted her
eyes, and a wide smile slowly
began to spread across
her round face.
"well, i think that your thoughts are true.
so that is good to hear. thank you, i love you too"



it's now 2:37pm.
and i've been seriously thinking about it...
and if i die today...i won't complain.