a beautiful mind

Paranoia is a disturbed thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion.

More recently, the clinical use of the term has been used to describe delusions where the affected person believes they are being persecuted. Specifically, they have been defined as containing two central elements:

1. The individual thinks that harm is occurring, or is going to occur, to him or her.
2. The individual thinks that the persecutor has the intention to cause harm.

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Schizophrenia, from the Greek roots schizein (σχίζειν, "to split") and phrēn, phren- (φρήν, φρεν-, "mind"), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction.

......

there lies no difference between my world and the real world.
its all the same.

here to stay: (i know this is forever)

parents that really love me.
neon.
brilliant siblings.
feel good fabric.
these dancing hips.
this amnesic heart.
the living word.
stefani's eyes.
fresh bouqets
seven perfect women.
all movement in the sky.
text + color.

here today: (i adore today...hope to have forever...but i do understand if its fleeting)

pantone #660099.
my waistline.
his way of loving me.
the bookstore on 42nd and 6th.
faith in the unseen.
manicures.
fingertips.
blurry faces.
sartorialist.com.
paulo ceolho.
exciting distractions.

fading away: (mission accomplished...or aborted)

ugly people.
stilettos.
atlanta, ga.
crowds and large groups.
oprah.
wandering.
jellybeans.
vogue.
the color gold.


...........

if i wish to stop walking backwards...then i just have to turn around.

...........

my head is the size of a blimp.
no one ever wants to walk down the same side of the street as me.
i always walk alone. i still yell at passer-byers across the street...wishing
them lovely days and safe nights. most just pretend not
to hear me and stare straight ahead. few glance my direction.
it doesn't bother me...i am certain that they all see me.
i have never ever seen anybody walking down the street that
even slightly resembles me.

my head is rather large...although i
do suppose that my body looks like theirs. linear.

this morning a little girl was walking towards me.
we were sharing the same side of the street.
i could barely control myself. i began to
jog...i couldn't wait another second...i just
had to know what it felt like to "brush shoulders"
with someone. her dress was stark white with
a lace overlay. she marched in her patent
leather mary janes and rosette trimmed bobby
socks. for a millisecond, i was concerned
that her chocolate skin threatened to
stain her gleaming garments.
this child's face was a perfect circle,

i was immediately thankful that everyone else always
walked on the other side of the street.
no one compared to the perfection of this
girl...and i had the privlege of walking
next to her. me and only me.

one more block to go.

her little short legs seemed to
move so slowly. if she could
just grow tall for the next
15 seconds...i would be that
much closer to walking past God.
i quickened my pace.

her curls bounced with each step.

only one more exaggerated step and
i would be directly parallel to
my first love.

she began to walk slower...
her eyes stayed low...she
was fixated on my doc martens.
i began to clear my throat...
uncontrollably and at the top of my
lungs i screamed
"good morning God!"

....i couldn't help it. it just
came out. loudly.

she took a step backwards,
lifted her eyes, and peered into
mine.

her voice sounded the
way she looked...sweet.
"...do you love me?"

i didn't think first.
"i think so."

...she squinted her
eyes, and a wide smile slowly
began to spread across
her round face.
"well, i think that your thoughts are true.
so that is good to hear. thank you, i love you too"



it's now 2:37pm.
and i've been seriously thinking about it...
and if i die today...i won't complain.

so i say today.

being awakened by the moon is much more personal than the sun.
i'm apart of something exclusive and mature.
not everyone can handle this.

i want to.

.....
it isn't completely full.
one edge is slightly straighter than the others.
a tiny chord at the bottom has been sliced away.

a prot'eg'e sits not too far below.
she is petite and cute.
and she twinkles more than shines.

i know that its fraternal twin is lurking nearby.
the backdrop says so.
...its blue...blue like a sailor suit.

and these flighty nomads tell all.
...they're pink...pink like cherry blossoms...
i am certain that the twin will be arriving shortly.



the moon is the prettier twin.

twins...

i know...it's uncanny.

new. new.

i had never seen anything like this before.
and i had to watch closely because everything moved
so quickly. there are times when the sky can
create a reflection that makes me believe
that an ocean is nearby. i begin to imagine
that the sun/moon is sitting on top of water...
and the exact image that i see on top, mirrors itself
perfectly below. clouds are always involved
in this illusion. they serve as a substitue for the water
that the reflection sits on.


for some reason, i couldn't stop thinking
about me giving birth to my first child.

thick nebulous clouds covered the moon.
it was orange (the moon).

the moon was steadily lowering, and it would ease its
way down below the clouds. but as
soon as the moon shifted down, the
clouds did the same. it was as though
they were gradually moving together while
alternating turns. just above the horizon,
the clouds got still, and they sat just high
enough over the open field so that i could
insert a full moon between the atmosphere's ceiling and
the floor. for the 5 seconds or so that i saw the complete
moon, it occurred to me that i had never really
thought about or imagined moonsets.

i try to make it a point to be outside when
the sun goes down...
but now i'm thinking that it just might be worth
it to be in north carolina on my parents back porch
at 5:00am every morning from now on.
(or at least once a week).

only you mr. duncan

...



wow.

*note: yes i do recall saying that there would only be one time white WOMEN
were featured on my blog. these, my friends, are children.
there is a difference.
for pamela surely loves the kids.
thank you.

where is he now? because i really liked him then.

"aye slim. SLIM...redbone.
....oh you just don't hear nobody?"

"i hear you. that's just not my name"

"i know its not...but i had to get your attention somehow.
....can i holla at you for a second?"
"you've been hollerin"

"true. true. i see you a lot. you go to kennedy?"

"hmmmm...this is my first time seeing you"

"aint nobody stalkin you! you're tall as hell... so i see you.
...damn i aint think you'd be mean"

"i am not mean...cautious. yeA. i go to kennedy"

"you a senior?"

"nope. junior"

"ok. ok. about to be done in a year. so you know
phil, nelson, sean, and them?"

"yup. philip is my brother"

"that's how i know you. you be with them all the time"

"mmmhm"

"forreal, thats my man. youngin and i go back to 4th and delafield.
but you a montgomery county girl. you dunno about that"

"dude...you act like i've never been to dc"

"you prolly go to the white house area. i know u don't be around my
way"

"....whateva"

"i'm just sayin cuz its true. don't get mad. i don't wanna
make you mad. OK OK...so you know about 4th and delafield"

"i'm not mad at all. i just know thats where philip
grew up...he reps faithfully."

"its real out there. thug livin though. you better of here in
good ol silver spring. its where you're supposed to be"

::silence::

"well...you aint talkin. and i know that i'm just a nigga from
4th and delafied, but i like you. i'm glad i caught you alone.
your girls too loud and they run they mouths too much. i just
wanna get to know you. can i hit you up sometime?"

"it doesn't matter where you're from. we just like
who we like"

"....yeaaaa we'll see"

"yea we will. if you're cool you're cool.and if you're wak...
well...you know. but yea. we'll see. you gotta pen?"

"nope. i'll rememeber it"

"ohhhhhkay....301.460.6965. young, please do not call my house late"

"i wouldn't do that"

::silence::

"wow....so you booked me. and i dunno your name"

"you know my name"

::pause::

"ughhhhh....nah, i really don't"

"well you're PAM, and i guess that you'll just learn my name when i call"

"when did i say my name? i don't like that. what's your name?"

"you're rushing me. you will hear and say my name a lot soon enough"

"oh will i? so we just about to be best friends?"

"hopefully."

.............

riding into work yesterday, i watched 3 little boys try to holla at
this young girl. the boys looked to range from 12 to 15, and the
girl looked 13. IT WAS THE BEST CONVERSATION I HAD HEARD IN A LONG
TIME. the kids were crackin jokes...making her laugh...askin her for her AIM...
gettin on her back about drinking a red bull so early in the morning. and
all four of them were so comfortable with one another. she was really
holding her own to have three guys in her face. in those 4 stops...
they all found out who went to what schools. what grades they were in.
that she was a dancer. that one of the boys was headed to downtown
brooklyn to go to court. mutual friends. and when it came time
to part ways...sis decided that she didn't want to exchange AIM
info. so they left each other...and it was all love.

i didn't see any judgement take place.
and it was nice to watch.

it made me realize that some of the most honest and sincere
approaches by men came before i turned 17.

square sanctuary.

dreams come true in my bedroom. my creme colored walls adorned with white
spackle remind me of the beauty that lives in imperfection.
pastel, sheer, vintage gowns hang from my closet door.
the exact uniform of my guardian angels.
three window panes extend about three quarters the length of the wall.
and when i look outside my window i can see the half narrow world.

i have yet to purchase a chandelier. i figure that when i
do, light will bounce into every crevice and corner.

"the secret lives of men and women", uniqlo edition 3, metropop,
pop art post-its, pens, karla's congratulations card,
magnetic strip, dusty green mirror, used
matches, lady guadalupe, empty wine bottle/flower vase, unopened nano,
girbaud visuals, incense dust, flat iron (new member), paige sabrina,
holy bible, manni the mannequin, rainboots, iron pills,
clinique bag, and the shiny silver introspective and
magically exposing spotlight.

all of these participants cooperatively sit in my windowsill.

my closet is filled to capacity, but my brain is not.
so just is case i wish to match the two,
i have a couple of over-sized hat boxes that store my books.
...i should open my hat boxes more often.

my platform bed takes up about 65% of my floor space.
which is fine, its the one clearly defined space in this
overstocked cube. with it pushed against my glasses
for the outside world, i wake up to the sun each and
every sunny day.

a baby pink crenalyn skirt (tu-tu) serves as wall art.
it hangs high.

shoes paint seeds purses makeup needles binder clips
safety pins notebooks magazines barrettes and cds
are the glitter that make this small sanctuary sparkle.


a cubicle has never looked or felt so good.

this place.

if i wake up and i'm surrounded by sunflowers....i just might feel better.
this is a clue that i will survive today.
i love it when i turn my head to the left.
i am then staring at these rows and rows of calming green stalk.
green heals.
primary green.
no matter how i may shift or move, everything obediently
grows around me.
my being here doesn't inconvenience anyone or anything.
they prefer that i'm here.
and i am grateful...to be chosen as someone's preference encourages me to live.

so i come here to lay.
yellow. brown. black. and green.
primary green.
the blue sky serves as the perfect canvas for
my sunflowers to lay against.

the wet, bug infested soil that i press against doesn't even bother me.
it's all odd...i know.
but i need all of this to breathe.

breathing is a choice.
this place helps me to make my decision.

i've. got. to. change.

me: ever go through unfocused periods?

him: hmmmm

him: yeah, but i would say that they were still controlled

me: .....sigh

me: i have so much work to do

him: when you zoom out it all makes sense

me: well said.

me: but how do i zoom out?

me: TEACH ME SENSEI!!!

him: time.

him: years of trial and error.

him: don't hold back on yr pimpin.

him: put yrself out there.

him: fearless.

him: fake it till you make it.