last night i had to wonder what i was living for....
i mean grey's anatomy is no more.
i sighed...
then cried...
because i then knew...
that summer was through....
no more laughs and heartache
now just silence and eating cake
last night i was so bored
i contemplated going to the store.
meredith, burke, cristina, are you there?
no one to answer, sitting alone in my chair.
i can only think, izzy are you okay?
i won't know till another day.....
that day being months from now...
but i'll make it thru, someway...somehow.
thank you
Monday, May 22, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
my kinda work. ?
my gaurdian angel----->
she is glamorous.
she wears a different neon color on each fingernail.
she likes bamboo earrings. and tiaras.
she pretends to not see me sometimes.
she and i are really connected.
she is silly.
she is ambidextrous.
she is thick with long wavy hair.
she likes the cut of italian wardrobing.
she sometimes mocks me in my movements.
she is quite good at painting. and calculus.
she pays close attention to the hair on her face...eyelashes and eyebrows
she is cynical.
she is thai and black.
she has been trained in both modern and ballet.
she sometimes likes to dress like me.
she is single...i would become jealous if she got in a relationship.
she likes wrestling shoes.
she sometimes runs really fast and leaps really far.
okay...that helps...
photographer: marlo
models: ladawan, stefani
styling: moi
...............................
i assisted for the lamborghini (?) show last night.
really...white folks will never cease to intrigue and amaze me....
especially rich ones. the event was invitation only, and i
am sitting there watching folks interact. i see
dresses from gucci's spring collection (2006 that is), i see BOTOX (never
ever have i noticed that on real like folks before, oh my), i
see white loafers, i see valet parking the matchbox cars
that i played with as a child....i just see a lot. and perhaps
for a brief moment i lapsed into thinking i fit in.
i really think i did; as i helped to prepare for the show damn near every
woman inquired about my pink colorful hoodie with skulls
and sequins. true...the hoodie is dope.
"i just have got to get that sweatjacket"....(smile)
i dunno. let me say this correctly. doing shows comparable
to this one has often placed me in an environment around
wealthy white people. i am awed when i look at these clones
mix, mingle, and interact...but they consistently come to us for
whats next. buying culture. these shows that i am doing are
always directed by a black man. he has ridiculous vision
and his work is detailed with scripts, props, intricate
choreography....he is great at what he does. and he leads them.
there is a science behind this. dosa says that you walk
with them...observe them...then make money
by safely standing apart from them. and i believe
this is what terrance has done.
i dunno if i can do it.
can i?
dunno if i want to do it.
...............
brandon leaves for the summer today
:(
.................
dj kemits birthday!
wooo hoooo, most fun i've had in a long time!
she is glamorous.
she wears a different neon color on each fingernail.
she likes bamboo earrings. and tiaras.
she pretends to not see me sometimes.
she and i are really connected.
she is silly.
she is ambidextrous.
she is thick with long wavy hair.
she likes the cut of italian wardrobing.
she sometimes mocks me in my movements.
she is quite good at painting. and calculus.
she pays close attention to the hair on her face...eyelashes and eyebrows
she is cynical.
she is thai and black.
she has been trained in both modern and ballet.
she sometimes likes to dress like me.
she is single...i would become jealous if she got in a relationship.
she likes wrestling shoes.
she sometimes runs really fast and leaps really far.
okay...that helps...
photographer: marlo
models: ladawan, stefani
styling: moi
...............................
i assisted for the lamborghini (?) show last night.
really...white folks will never cease to intrigue and amaze me....
especially rich ones. the event was invitation only, and i
am sitting there watching folks interact. i see
dresses from gucci's spring collection (2006 that is), i see BOTOX (never
ever have i noticed that on real like folks before, oh my), i
see white loafers, i see valet parking the matchbox cars
that i played with as a child....i just see a lot. and perhaps
for a brief moment i lapsed into thinking i fit in.
i really think i did; as i helped to prepare for the show damn near every
woman inquired about my pink colorful hoodie with skulls
and sequins. true...the hoodie is dope.
"i just have got to get that sweatjacket"....(smile)
i dunno. let me say this correctly. doing shows comparable
to this one has often placed me in an environment around
wealthy white people. i am awed when i look at these clones
mix, mingle, and interact...but they consistently come to us for
whats next. buying culture. these shows that i am doing are
always directed by a black man. he has ridiculous vision
and his work is detailed with scripts, props, intricate
choreography....he is great at what he does. and he leads them.
there is a science behind this. dosa says that you walk
with them...observe them...then make money
by safely standing apart from them. and i believe
this is what terrance has done.
i dunno if i can do it.
can i?
dunno if i want to do it.
...............
brandon leaves for the summer today
:(
.................
dj kemits birthday!
wooo hoooo, most fun i've had in a long time!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
seasons shift...
i walked into her bedroom, and she turned to look at me grinning from ear to ear....
"hey pam, i have good news"
"yay...so do i! you go first"
"i am completely breast cancer free! and with the cancer cells in my brain the cells are no longer spreading, so thats good. its just that radiation is not working to its capacity, but over time it will. i am being taken off of these steroids....and yea, i'm getting better"
i just sat there and smiled. i had an urge to jump on her...but i resisted.
"okay so your turn, whats your good news"
i now felt mad wak about my news. how do you follow up a report about how one is
successfully fighting for their life....?
"ummmm, nothin major, sisley/united colors of benetton called me today to come in next week for a 'chat' next week".
"i really dunno what that is, but you seem happy, i assume it deals with clothes, SO i'm proud of you"
i told her that we are in one another's lives now, so we are connected. i explained that because of our connection, our seasons are shifting together.... she smiled.
.................
i heard him screaming at the top of his lungs. i faded out and went back to sleep. about 5 minutes later...an hour later, not so sure, i laid there voluntarily frozen, refusing to move. i heard the ambulance, police car, some vehicle for emergencies keep passing the house. i knew that they were lost. i also knew that they were trying to get to the house. the house was actually pretty silent. i stared at the ceiling and just imagined what wrong turn the ambulance/police car had taken. once i heard them pull up the driveway, it became harder for me to breathe. i didn't want to be apart of what was going on downstairs, and i refused to move. for once...i wanted to ignore the chaos.
i heard the door open and a man's voice said "10-4"....i thought...now is that the police or ambulance...or do they both say that? "okay mam, can u hear us? tell me how you fell..."
ambulance.
i just laid on my back and started my conversation with God. we exchanged for about, i dunno how long, but when it was over i got up. i went to the room next door, robert was still sleep. good. as i was coming down the stairs, i watched the front door close. courtney was handing her father her mother's purse. i looked at my 15 year old cousin, and she looked at me. i stood there on the stairs, and she stood there in the dark living room....it was a long second.
no parts of me wanted to inquire....
"courtney...whas goin on?"
"ughhhh....my mom fell and hit her head"
i could hear movement in the kitchen...fast movement...much faster than i am used to hearing him move. i walked into the kitchen, and watched his fear and anxiety take over him. 5 strokes permit no one to move like that...it looked unnatural and i got scared. i followed him to the car and began to plead with him...."let me drive you....let me ride with you....c'mon, let me get a jacket, i'm coming"
no
no
no
"pam you just stay by the phone, i'll be fine"
i told him to follow the ambulance and drive safely.
my heart hurt. he barely drives during the day, and never after sunset.
i was torn. i really wanted to make sure he was safe, but then i knew that i had to stay with the kids.
he left.
the lights stop flashing.
courtney removed her face from the window pane.
i sat in the dark and cried. hard.
............
i wonder if i too will have a relapse.
"hey pam, i have good news"
"yay...so do i! you go first"
"i am completely breast cancer free! and with the cancer cells in my brain the cells are no longer spreading, so thats good. its just that radiation is not working to its capacity, but over time it will. i am being taken off of these steroids....and yea, i'm getting better"
i just sat there and smiled. i had an urge to jump on her...but i resisted.
"okay so your turn, whats your good news"
i now felt mad wak about my news. how do you follow up a report about how one is
successfully fighting for their life....?
"ummmm, nothin major, sisley/united colors of benetton called me today to come in next week for a 'chat' next week".
"i really dunno what that is, but you seem happy, i assume it deals with clothes, SO i'm proud of you"
i told her that we are in one another's lives now, so we are connected. i explained that because of our connection, our seasons are shifting together.... she smiled.
.................
i heard him screaming at the top of his lungs. i faded out and went back to sleep. about 5 minutes later...an hour later, not so sure, i laid there voluntarily frozen, refusing to move. i heard the ambulance, police car, some vehicle for emergencies keep passing the house. i knew that they were lost. i also knew that they were trying to get to the house. the house was actually pretty silent. i stared at the ceiling and just imagined what wrong turn the ambulance/police car had taken. once i heard them pull up the driveway, it became harder for me to breathe. i didn't want to be apart of what was going on downstairs, and i refused to move. for once...i wanted to ignore the chaos.
i heard the door open and a man's voice said "10-4"....i thought...now is that the police or ambulance...or do they both say that? "okay mam, can u hear us? tell me how you fell..."
ambulance.
i just laid on my back and started my conversation with God. we exchanged for about, i dunno how long, but when it was over i got up. i went to the room next door, robert was still sleep. good. as i was coming down the stairs, i watched the front door close. courtney was handing her father her mother's purse. i looked at my 15 year old cousin, and she looked at me. i stood there on the stairs, and she stood there in the dark living room....it was a long second.
no parts of me wanted to inquire....
"courtney...whas goin on?"
"ughhhh....my mom fell and hit her head"
i could hear movement in the kitchen...fast movement...much faster than i am used to hearing him move. i walked into the kitchen, and watched his fear and anxiety take over him. 5 strokes permit no one to move like that...it looked unnatural and i got scared. i followed him to the car and began to plead with him...."let me drive you....let me ride with you....c'mon, let me get a jacket, i'm coming"
no
no
no
"pam you just stay by the phone, i'll be fine"
i told him to follow the ambulance and drive safely.
my heart hurt. he barely drives during the day, and never after sunset.
i was torn. i really wanted to make sure he was safe, but then i knew that i had to stay with the kids.
he left.
the lights stop flashing.
courtney removed her face from the window pane.
i sat in the dark and cried. hard.
............
i wonder if i too will have a relapse.
Monday, May 08, 2006
just do....
James 1:22-25
1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.
1:23 For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:
1:24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.
1:25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.
can't stop....no desires of my heart can be obtained if i'm stagnant. i won't wait for anything to
happen...you push for what you want. you do.
................
a photoshoot that has been approximately 4 months in the making took place on saturday.
the photographer works for turner, and travels a LOT. he cancelled and rescheduled at least
two times. no worries though, not only was he a dope photographer, he was a beautiful person.
we worked well together...and i will push for it to happen again. i am always honored when
i am the baby on board of a A+ team....(coming from a voice of humility) something is so right
about that. i know what i want my book to reflect, and i know the direction that i am heading in,
conceptually, now. for once, i know.
dosa said "make no exceptions, make sure that what you see in your head is what's executed.
commit". i think it was captured....i hope.
................
what if we lived our lives always concerned with how people react to us?
i don't want to care anymore.
i figure if i live in truth...honor my feelings....nothing too much matters.
yea?
yes.
...................
1:22 But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.
1:23 For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:
1:24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.
1:25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.
can't stop....no desires of my heart can be obtained if i'm stagnant. i won't wait for anything to
happen...you push for what you want. you do.
................
a photoshoot that has been approximately 4 months in the making took place on saturday.
the photographer works for turner, and travels a LOT. he cancelled and rescheduled at least
two times. no worries though, not only was he a dope photographer, he was a beautiful person.
we worked well together...and i will push for it to happen again. i am always honored when
i am the baby on board of a A+ team....(coming from a voice of humility) something is so right
about that. i know what i want my book to reflect, and i know the direction that i am heading in,
conceptually, now. for once, i know.
dosa said "make no exceptions, make sure that what you see in your head is what's executed.
commit". i think it was captured....i hope.
................
what if we lived our lives always concerned with how people react to us?
i don't want to care anymore.
i figure if i live in truth...honor my feelings....nothing too much matters.
yea?
yes.
...................
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
but i don't dream....
the women of my family were headed to the mall for a "girls day out".
for some odd reason, i drove seperately, and mom and robin were in
another car. they instructed me to park my car in a nearby parking
deck so that we could all ride together. they trailed me to the
deck, and waited for me in their car at the bottom of the ramp.
the parking deck was filled, but i was lucky to find a spot not too
far from where mom and robin where patiently waiting. they
watched me whip the corolla to turn into a narrow slot... and i
hopped out the car.
as i walked towards them, i sensed movement behind me.
my car was now proceeding up the ramp. i glanced back at mom
and robin, and their facial expressions said "handle it".
feeling like this was a bit odd, i slowly followed my car as we
passed rows of cars. there was no one driving...but my car
was moving.
my car eased around the slight curve to continue moving
higher up the ramp. as it slowed down, i realized that
it was beginning to park again. relieved, i glanced
back at my family with a hint of pride. i felt like
i controlled the situation well...i mean the car was now
parking again. the second i looked back at my car,
i realized that it was not moving into a parking space
but was driving up a wide stairwell. i got nervous.
i took baby steps to move towards my car. i kept
throwing my hands out, as if i would be able to catch
it if it happened to fall. i was whimpering, hoping
that my car would ease back down the steep set
of steps.
instinctively, my body knew to move back.
i sat there and watched my car flip over
backwards and land on the roof. the impact
was intense and glass flew every direction.
i yelled. my chest was tight. i felt like the wind
had been knocked out of me. i was scared to look
back because i knew that they would be angry.
when i eventually turned around, no one was there.
(may 2, 2006, around 4ishpm)
.........................
i know i had another bad dream last night because i woke
up praying out of my sleep again. my body was tense.
i just can't remember.
this is weird. everything is so real and absolutely
disastrous.
for some odd reason, i drove seperately, and mom and robin were in
another car. they instructed me to park my car in a nearby parking
deck so that we could all ride together. they trailed me to the
deck, and waited for me in their car at the bottom of the ramp.
the parking deck was filled, but i was lucky to find a spot not too
far from where mom and robin where patiently waiting. they
watched me whip the corolla to turn into a narrow slot... and i
hopped out the car.
as i walked towards them, i sensed movement behind me.
my car was now proceeding up the ramp. i glanced back at mom
and robin, and their facial expressions said "handle it".
feeling like this was a bit odd, i slowly followed my car as we
passed rows of cars. there was no one driving...but my car
was moving.
my car eased around the slight curve to continue moving
higher up the ramp. as it slowed down, i realized that
it was beginning to park again. relieved, i glanced
back at my family with a hint of pride. i felt like
i controlled the situation well...i mean the car was now
parking again. the second i looked back at my car,
i realized that it was not moving into a parking space
but was driving up a wide stairwell. i got nervous.
i took baby steps to move towards my car. i kept
throwing my hands out, as if i would be able to catch
it if it happened to fall. i was whimpering, hoping
that my car would ease back down the steep set
of steps.
instinctively, my body knew to move back.
i sat there and watched my car flip over
backwards and land on the roof. the impact
was intense and glass flew every direction.
i yelled. my chest was tight. i felt like the wind
had been knocked out of me. i was scared to look
back because i knew that they would be angry.
when i eventually turned around, no one was there.
(may 2, 2006, around 4ishpm)
.........................
i know i had another bad dream last night because i woke
up praying out of my sleep again. my body was tense.
i just can't remember.
this is weird. everything is so real and absolutely
disastrous.
Monday, May 01, 2006
i don't remember dreams often...but when i do....
we were in this huge room that was filled with all different types of people. young. old. black. white. rich. poor.... random mix. the space was designed to offer an open exchange amongst everyone; many people stood up in their seats and spoke about their lives (often times, their current situations). sienna and i sat on a high table looking down on the many desks. we were in the back.
this woman came to sit at a desk near us. she had anxious energy...and kept saying how badly she wanted to walk to the direct front of the room, and speak out to everyone.
"you should"...i told her. she kept glancing at me in my eyes and nodding her head. it was weird because sienna's entire vibe towards the woman was extremely cold. and the woman picked up on it. the woman proceeds to walk past me and put her finger at the tip of sienna's nose. without any hesitation, the sienna pushed the woman's hand away. the woman taunted her again, sienna pushed her again.
i silently watched.
aside from the low bickering and aggressive hand slaps, i knew that this was not going to escalate. the woman stepped back, glared at sienna, stormed out the room, and started yelling down the hall. some random white girl was not too far behind.
i was scared. i looked over at sienna with her long hair and primary color baseball cap. her body was tense, but her facial expression was calm...."yea...i don't like her". i said nothing.
..............
the second time around, sienna and i were sitting on the table looking down at the same woman sitting at a nearby desk. sienna kept both quiet and her distance. the woman acted like i was the only person she saw. "i mean, its so hard for me out here. i have nobody. its just me against the world. its not easy out here with aids". i proceeded to lift my dangling leg and push her desk away from me with my foot at the front of her desk. she just stared at me and said "SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT. I TRY TO OPEN UP, AND PEOPLE PUSH ME AWAY".
i felt ridiculous. i hopped off the table and dragged the woman's desk close to me. "i am SO SORRY. i am trippin". during our dialogue i had to make mental notes...okay pam, you will not catch aids from sitting next to her. okay pam...console her, touch her hand (pam you won't get aids that way). glance at your hands to make sure u don't have any cuts...okay you're cool. go head touch her hand...seem genuine, do it for like 4 seconds, then let go.
we discussed her circumstances. i genuinely wanted to help, i just genuinely didn't want to end up with a deadly virus. i would have these out of body seconds, where i could see myself sitting desk to desk with her, and sienna looking down on us. the woman kept saying she wanted to go up front and speak....i told her to do so....
....................
somehow we both ended up at the front of the room. i don't recall walking there. she never spoke. she was standing and i was sitting down at a desk. she pulled me up, i knew that we were going seperate directions. she pulled me into her body, and we hugged. i assume that she actually placed it into my back about 5 seconds before i felt it. i knew my reaction was delayed. i immediately jumped back because i knew exactly what she had done. i was injected with a needle filled with her blood.
i just thought about my life. the past and the future. i yelled and screamed.
"but i was nice to you!....i mean i know i pushed u away, but i let u back in....no one else did, but me!" sienna just stared at me and said....
"you let people in entirely too quickly."
.......................
when i came out of my dream i was too scared to open my eyes. my body was sore, and my back literally felt like i had gotten a shot. i prayed. i prayed. i prayed. there was an ill presence in the room. i slowly opened my eyes and immediately turned on the lights.
....................
this woman came to sit at a desk near us. she had anxious energy...and kept saying how badly she wanted to walk to the direct front of the room, and speak out to everyone.
"you should"...i told her. she kept glancing at me in my eyes and nodding her head. it was weird because sienna's entire vibe towards the woman was extremely cold. and the woman picked up on it. the woman proceeds to walk past me and put her finger at the tip of sienna's nose. without any hesitation, the sienna pushed the woman's hand away. the woman taunted her again, sienna pushed her again.
i silently watched.
aside from the low bickering and aggressive hand slaps, i knew that this was not going to escalate. the woman stepped back, glared at sienna, stormed out the room, and started yelling down the hall. some random white girl was not too far behind.
i was scared. i looked over at sienna with her long hair and primary color baseball cap. her body was tense, but her facial expression was calm...."yea...i don't like her". i said nothing.
..............
the second time around, sienna and i were sitting on the table looking down at the same woman sitting at a nearby desk. sienna kept both quiet and her distance. the woman acted like i was the only person she saw. "i mean, its so hard for me out here. i have nobody. its just me against the world. its not easy out here with aids". i proceeded to lift my dangling leg and push her desk away from me with my foot at the front of her desk. she just stared at me and said "SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT. I TRY TO OPEN UP, AND PEOPLE PUSH ME AWAY".
i felt ridiculous. i hopped off the table and dragged the woman's desk close to me. "i am SO SORRY. i am trippin". during our dialogue i had to make mental notes...okay pam, you will not catch aids from sitting next to her. okay pam...console her, touch her hand (pam you won't get aids that way). glance at your hands to make sure u don't have any cuts...okay you're cool. go head touch her hand...seem genuine, do it for like 4 seconds, then let go.
we discussed her circumstances. i genuinely wanted to help, i just genuinely didn't want to end up with a deadly virus. i would have these out of body seconds, where i could see myself sitting desk to desk with her, and sienna looking down on us. the woman kept saying she wanted to go up front and speak....i told her to do so....
....................
somehow we both ended up at the front of the room. i don't recall walking there. she never spoke. she was standing and i was sitting down at a desk. she pulled me up, i knew that we were going seperate directions. she pulled me into her body, and we hugged. i assume that she actually placed it into my back about 5 seconds before i felt it. i knew my reaction was delayed. i immediately jumped back because i knew exactly what she had done. i was injected with a needle filled with her blood.
i just thought about my life. the past and the future. i yelled and screamed.
"but i was nice to you!....i mean i know i pushed u away, but i let u back in....no one else did, but me!" sienna just stared at me and said....
"you let people in entirely too quickly."
.......................
when i came out of my dream i was too scared to open my eyes. my body was sore, and my back literally felt like i had gotten a shot. i prayed. i prayed. i prayed. there was an ill presence in the room. i slowly opened my eyes and immediately turned on the lights.
....................
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