day 2....day 1 was forgotten....and now i need to figure out why i am doing this...

now let me think this through....
my purpose for sacrificing is to get closer to God.
whats the direct correlation though?
i go without, having faith that God will sustain me with
what i need? or is it that lack reveals to you what you
have had all along? i really am trying to think...

because i am sitting here with extremely selfish intentions.
"well my sacrifice with automatically make me a successful stylist"
what? no....no no no.
and i feel like sacrificial living should not be surrounded with motives.
but i suppose that i can't really call the desires of my heart, motives.
thinking in circles.

ok...retrack.
the goal is to make sure that God's will and my will are in alignment.
mom has always said "if your willing, then God's willing"....
and that is another one of those cliches that i can't stamp with absolute truth....
"u can't have your cake and eat it too"....i dunno, i guess i get it, its just stupid to me. who doesn't want that? "beauty is only skin deep"....is it? okay...maybe these are just going completely
over my head.

i think too much.
i believe that God's willing, when your will is righteous.
and i dunno that my will is always righteous.
i know that my will is not always righteous.
there are times when i act for show.
i have to recite to myself sometimes "live for no audience".
i know that its not by happenstance that i choose to be in an industry that revolves around vanity. the external.
hmmmm....so what?

well....i suppose i need to seek balance. remember what matters.
so the reoccuring theme is doing everything with purpose.
begin with the end in mind.

so why am i sacrificing? (i have been writing this for over an hour now)

beauty is truth, truth beauty- that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
-john keats

i commit to sacrificing to seek truth and purpose behind everything i do.
patience.
discipline.
drive.
THAT is beautiful.
............
i wish i were with coretta at her homegoing service today.