whas goin on with you pam...

the year is NOT over...
two entire days are left....
yo...a rack of stuff can go down in two days. smile.





.....i feel like a nomad....i am a nomad.....
.....i am beautifully broke.... (i'm just glamorous, it's really not beautiful at all)
.....i am applying to jobs. like real jobs. my man got the email addresses of every designer and pr contact in NYC......
......i am no longer intimidated by the idea of NY.......
.....holding tight to my faith in regards to my abilit with styling.....
......i've personally emailed every designer and pr contact in NYC....
....GOT MY FIRST DECLINE TODAY...."i really like your work. we're just not hiring right now, i'll be sure to keep you on file though"....
-----------------oh boi, i have a fan (an industry fan)--------------------------
.....he said the documentary footage is beautiful......
.....antonio got my on the list to his show in dc.....
.....i've been partyin @ the 9:30 club since i was about 15....went back last week for his show.
fertile ground performed. no lie, i had a serious out of body experience. nah....i'm lying. i had a MOVING experience. i saw passion.
again.........


drumroll....and this is a secret....don't go screaming this to america....
........i will be having a new neice or nephew that i have instructed the immediate family to name
rainbow (as opposed to "it"). she loves rainbows. she is 7.5 weeks pregnant....
......LADIES: this is the season of pregnancy, if you do not care to be a mommy right now in life...ummmm u might want to take MAJOR precaution......
.....officially letting go.....
......i love u grace. karla, i'm moving in.....aHa....
.....jeremiah 29:11
for I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and hope.
ASHE
ASHE
ASHE.......
......i dress like i'm staying at the hamptons.....and i like it
.....last photo shoot sucked! model looked MAD ancient.....
......gotta SHOOT!......
......need a job.......

so like i said. 2 days. 48 hours.
IT'S FIXIN'A POP OFF.
let's go....

i feel like her! yea, her right there.....

no matter how old i become...i always feel like "the baby" when i come home. tightly wrapped up in a comforter with my body in a ball on the couch. when i was young, it used to be a big deal to me to only take up one cushion on the couch. its a bit pitiful that i still even attempt to do that 17+years later and about
3 feet taller. it feels good to hear my parents move around. i sit here, at 22 years old, and choose to watch jimmy neutron and get excited about the new disney musical that comes out next month. its crazy. i like doing childish things here. i like dancing just
to watch my parents crack up. i like pretending like my mom's soup is
the only in the world worth eating (hmmmm). i even may secretly like hearing my father
scream at me to button my jacket up to the "neckline".

at least i like it now. and i will savor in the now.
cuz God knows...this too shall pass.....

..........

this year is closing out, and i have a smile on my face. i dunno, for some reason its in me towant to say that this has been a bumpy year, many ups and downs. but the more that i think about it, i'm not so sure that it was at all. this was a good year. i started styling. i created a documentary. i loved. i was rich. i met beautiful people. i loved. i graduated college. i still see my grandma. i met new aspects of me. i still love. i created. i got jobs. i continued styling. i see and have more understanding of what it means to honor a faithful walk. i can't be mad at this year at all. its really all good.....

last night i styled for a show at sutra lounge. rocked it! the clothes were awesome. the girls performed. i was able to humble my spirit. i saw many friends support. rashan alii hosted. there were a number of celebritiy shout outs. it was crazy to me...simply because i was apart of this. scar was there. hi scar. he peformed randomly (but it was comfortable, not annoying) during the show. i gotta introduce myself to this young man. its crazy when u feel like u know someone but u haven't carried one conversation of substance with them.

my boys supported me.
i love how i can help them with their events, and they can show up to mine and simply be impressed. its like they're my teachers or something. and when stuff is mine...i gotta pass the test. much love 3 wise men.

hmmm....i walked last night. and i LOVED it. i wore huge shades, cuz i didn't want makeup on my stye. sigh....God stop it. please....not telling, asking. i have become quasi comfortable with my stye. well its no longer on my mind every hour of the day. thats a step in the right direction. right God? ....we can talk later....

magazine. (print)
WB (tv)
sutra lounge (fashion show)
3rd week of december brought me work.
coming to a nice conclusion for this year.
not tryna be completely done though....still have 11 more days in 2005.
lets do work MD!

tryna holla at some of that KING KONG love!

yo.....

america creates the craziest shit to praise/celebrate/recognize white blonde haired women....
king kong was ji sexy?
i mean...dude saved her....challenged her....protected her....fought 4 her.....sought after her....
LOVED HER.
i was cryin so hard it was ridiculous.
the child in the movie on the island was flawless....the people of the island were nice to look at
beautiful folk.
the movie depicted white people well...
the movie was pretty....not an excess of dialogue (i like that)
i am finally growing up...because i didn't keep my eyes covered the entire movie
dunno...i liked it. a lot. surprisingly.

anywho....
for once, i don't think i'm seeking love (sigh, even though knowing me, i secretly somehow still probably am). just seeking truth. yea....i romantacize everything. EVERYTHING. and now i am just taking stuff for what it is....not working so hard....trying to just let life happen.
S C R E A M. its so hard for me not to be involved....

we kicked it at javaology and he stepped me through the creation of my myspace account. as a mucisian that gets mad connects and business thru myspace....he felt like it would be a great
way to promote myself as a stylist. he is such a flirt...and its funny because when i look at him i literally see my 10 year old cousin. he's 34.
"just come thru with me tonight to eat sushi with my friends. its my friend's birthday and we are celebrating. u can be my date"
thinking. thinking. thinking. "oh nahhhh...."
"why not?"
"i dunno u like that and i hate being the one person that knows no one in already formed cliques. i'm cool on that, thanks though"
he looks at me and after a long pause, busted out laughing. "yea, i feel u. i don't like being the outsider either. okay well look, after that i am going to a small party at earthlink. wanna come there?"
"damn dude...aren't u quite the night owl. ummmmm....yea. i guess. i hope there aren't a lot of people. how long do u think it'll last? what u just want me to meet u up there? damn..i look like a teacher, i gotta go home and change....."

he just stares at me.
"u done?"
"sorry...yes."
"good. we won't be out all night grandma. meet me up there in an hour. u look great, don't change"

.....eddie murphy RAW voice...."ok"
as we leave i wave goodbye to the BEAUTIFUL young man that is the cashier at the shop.
"damn girl he was anxious for u to turn around and wave. its so obvious u want him"
whoa..."i've learned the difference between finding people attractive and actually being interested"
"ohhhh u have sensei? well teach me"

we went our seperate ways.
we met again.
"dammit girl! u changed."
"shutup. i don't go out after 6 lookin like a teacher"

i like our energy. its not forced. it is what it is. i'm comfortable.

we walk up the stairs to earthlink...and i too, simply because i'm with him, am somebody.
anthony. ANTHONY. aNtHoNy......everyone is hollerin at dude...
we take the elevator up to the loft...and we walk into this great space with a great band.
he guides me in front of him...i see a couple folks i know...and he is straight working....
exchanging cards, cds, catching up with folks....workin.
he keeps saying "ok, i don't want to leave u here alone....i just"
"dude...this is what u do. this is business. go to work. i'm cool. i can stand alone. contently even"
he smiles.
I HAD SO MUCH FUN. i enjoyed meeting with new people. dancing to the band. standing in a space pretty much off to myself. experiencing new talent. being move.d it was nice. really nice.
he kept coming around to check up on me. it was peace.

we had simple talk. updated one another on whats coming up in one another's lives....got in our cars...went our seperate ways....


.........5 minutes later.....
"pam. are u home yet?"
"ugh. nope."
"lets go dance. lets go to the peacock"
"now?"
"yup"
"ok"

we went.
we danced.
we laughed.
we talked.

and nothing was forced. nothing. it really was like old friends kickin it.

its always to find a guy and feel like he can just be a friend.
thanks anthony! i really appreciated the purity of thursday night.
......

now back to that KING KONG love...i met a photographer at friday's shoot....sigh.
LOL. ima mess.
still love u Heart!
wish i had a seperate heart, so that this heart could have the simple role of feeling the love that i have for it. one heart to give. one to receive.
damn...that would be a doosie.

come if u can....

i think i miss feeling happy more frequently...don't think i'm depressed or anything...just not happy??

i don't feel good. i am sad. all i really wanna do is cry.
and sitting here at a coffee shop, i am quite comfortable doing so.
hmmmm....
this morning i woke up to suze orman giving a lecture on GPB
called young, fabulous, and broke. God is soooooo good!
so so so good. i dunno whas goin on with me right now.
i never want to give up this dream....haven't even really gotten
started, but styling is getting on my nerves.
i am young.
some days i'd like to think i'm fabulous
and i am for damn sure broke.
that lady said some great stuff. some really key things for me to think about.

pamela shepard is a focused wanderer.
...ready to set some goals....

move on girl....

let's see.....
i endured one of the most intense interviews ever...
GRIP Magazine...up and coming, last issue featured Purple Ribbon Allstars....
that made me happy. hi janelle. hi scar. the office is actually designed by
my billionare friend....senor richard taylor. its beautiful how people are able
to let themselves shine thru their work. richard actually helped me to pick out
the pics for my portfolio. the same portfolio that i was preparing for my interview
with GRIP. the same GRIP that is in the space that he (richard taylor) designed.
i see u God....

the fashion photographer ripped my portfolio apart. taught me a GREAT deal in
that 45 minute session. spoke of the angles, lighting, contrast, makeup, location,
EVERYTHING in every single pic.
"one thing i can say is that your styling is consistent. you're good at what u do"
he and the editor took it upon themselves to have an intern fetch clothes from his
trunk. "i just want to see what u can do right here in the moment"
part of me is geeked, and the other part is nervous. the intern entered the office
with bags filled with lacoste, juicy couture, calvin klein....MENSWEAR. ugh.
me love women.... BUT THAT'S OKAY.

i lay the clothes on the floor, sit on the floor, and go to work. as i'm working the editor
says "david (the photographer) has his masters in fashion photography"....
ok. why'd u say that? i continued to work.
david says "i know how I would put it together....just curious what u would do"
ok. now why'd U say that? i continued to work.

as i was done putting items together, i left out what didn't mix. i explained why i put
pieces together. i explained color combination and texture. i explained additional
accessories i would add that were not actually there. yea....they felt it.
he then showed me his combinations, and explained why. he also explained who the
clothes were purchased for.....that would be scar himself.
WOW. if he did it, why can't i.
woo hooo!

got the job. i will assist on the upcoming shoot, and i will be head stylist for the following shoot.

"the best part about your portfolio is that ur work doesn't look like u. u have range,
and your personal style isn't forced in the pics. yea, you're ready to grow, lets do work"
good deal.
---
left there and went to sutra lounge. i have a show there on monday night. models are great.
clothes are AWESOME. choreography is dope. venue is cool. guy i'm working with....sigh.
i'll learn one day. i put forth 100% and pray for the best. can't possibly be worst than last time.
----
left the lounge and went to WB. my first show, the finale of the season. i aws the stylist. i dressed the host all my own. we went to the boutique and played dress up. it was hard for me because she is the oldest person i've ever worked with. she is hella conservative. after a stressful search (i felt a lot of pressure for this to be my first tv shoot) i came up with winter white slacks....silver tank....and a sequined pink shrug. very adultesque. smile...
i was fearful that the crew would not like my work. long story short....she was a perfect
contrast from her set. had i put her in the traditional christmas colors, then she would have
blended in the set.
"that's the best she has looked all season" said the producer.
hey hey hey!
and the head stylist was there for the shoot, and she rubbed my back
"i'm strokin ur ego girl. u did good"

triumphs....
................................

i have a stye on my eye and my insecurity is at an all time high.
God is hollerin at me about vanity.
i finally called him.
goin home. whats a girl to do there?
anthony and i kicked it.
ima groupie 4 pj mortan
went to the peacock. first time in years.
she just told me she is gonna be a mommy.
wow.
and she just had her baby.
common makes me smile.
just BE. i like that.
time heals.
gotta work. gotta re-evaluate
life is crazy.
grace attracts love. nice.
now that i think about it...she's been a mommy for a while.
honor time. honor being proactive. honor work ethic (teach me more tiona)


....seasons are changing.....

less starving. more artist.

got my phone cut back on today.