work without a job....nah i do have a job. sigh....

yesterday was my first day without a job.
remember? i quit.
and yesterday was STILL A PRODUCTIVE DAY!

sienna and i met up to talk about the photo shoot she
wants to take place. we went by a really nice boutique
on peachtree. miz scarletts. yo, DON'T EVER support
miz scarletts. the energy that the woman gave off
was staight up disastarous. ugly man. i'm trying to
inquire about the store (really trying to gaze the like-
lihood of me pulling clothes from the store). that woman
was evil dude. she was really talking to me like i
dirt. so i just continued to make my way around the
store...she kept trying to ask stuff....i guess i answered...
i dunno. she was the worst. we then went next door to
joe muggs to look through magazines. after that
we went to different boutiques and stores to look
at clothes. sienna has a particular dress in mind, and
i am trying to find it. i took her to a black owned shop
that was comparable to miz scarletts.

i wonder if i would like it if i were white....

no.

i got a phone call from WB....yup, warner brothers....
i met with them at 4pm. they are looking for a new
stylist assistant. the show is called ATL insider...
i sat there and met with mad people. showed the
woman interviewing me my work. told her my goals.
blah blah blah....long story short, i am the stylist
assistant for a show sponsered by WB called
ATL insider. (i wrote that really nonchalant, but i
am geeked). my name will be in credits! first show is
dec. 14. soooooooo.....i have to put the host in something
holiday-esque. ironically enough, while i was sitting there
AMBROSI (image consulting company...needed retail
shots) called me. it was insane.
"hello, ms. shepard? this is ambrosi. my name is _______
and i am calling from the chicago office"
....awwww shitttttt......
"i got your portfolio, and i just wanted to know where you
stood."
......AWWWWW SHITTTTTT......
"you are too fashion forward. we do more set design,
and even your product styling was highly fashion based"

"wait, i know i can do set design. those were just a couple shots.
if u give me a week, then i know that i can have many more
shoots that are solely set design. i know i can get it done!"

sidebar....why the hell did i say that when that product shoot alone
was ridiculously hard for me? was i really mad at her critique?
well in the moment, i was.

"well ms. shepard we are looking for portfolios of people that
do this for a living. i mean people that have a portfolio
filled with retail.product shots"

"well i just know that this is what i want to do. and i know that
you guys do some type of styling with fashion"

-clearly this woman is beyond ready to get off the phone
"ms. shepard, home depot is our biggest account down there"

WHAT THE HELL?
"oh."

"how about i do this, i will keep you on file for fashion jobs"
...."yeah thats cool".

my heart was broken. i was really sad. now mind you, this entire
conversation took place at WB. i sat in the studio and continue to
watch the show...i was sad, but i did feel a little better when
i received a phone call from the WB folks later on that night.

"hey pam, you're a stylist...and probably a super shopper....
u think ur a tv person?"

"yes...well, i think i can be. why?"

"well we were thinking we could interview you on the next
show in regards to holiday shopping...and how we can get
a bargain for our bucks".

"oh yea...i would love to do that. i'll be doing research
in the meantime."

"okay, we'll call you soon with the specifics"

.....
i need a job.
LOL....i do.
life is good.
random as hell, but good nonetheless.

let me think...

i've started, erased, and restarted this blog a couple of times....
not getting too far at all...
my mind has an overload of thoughts....

i miss being robin's wife (she really is married now)
i am not that excited about my shoot this weekend
i need my money for this barbershop project
something in me wants to cry right now...
cry hard.
he said i am great at what i do....
i am a stylist.
i gotta read the bible
that ed hurley was legit!
RENT....hmmmm, but i LOVE musicals...i dunno, that one was a bit rough 4 me
remember community
some days i miss my long permed hair
ready for change....i think.
moya is beautiful.
i think (pretty sure) i have my first magazine shoot.
sister circles are beautiful.
i love women.
....men are cool too....
i'm not sad that its over, i smile because it happened.

correction....i want to cry hard AND scream.
i love my heart!

......

pics from my product.retail shoot.
i see that its hard for me to completely
let go of a model. i can't solely work with product.
much of my connection is to the body....


photographer: davonne
models: lovely pakistanian women
stylist: pamela a. shepard

everything comes full circle....everything

hmmm....
definitely just had a meeting with one of the partners from that awful fashion show.
she's not javaology partner.
and she's not mississippi.
she's the oblivious one.

yea...we met.
update u ask?
javaology and mississippi have joined forced to build an empire. (evil empire?)
oblivious is a one woman show.
she said it was a tough experience and she has learned her lessons
she says she wants to do work...she respects what i do and is ready for what i have to offer...
i told her my day rate...and what my role as STYLIST entails...

*i have a shoot dec 5.

cold busted show was fabulous. jabari g. is a walking example for me right now.
and i appreciate that. left ACEmedia today.
too much shade, not enough profit....that balance sucks.

still doing what i do....
model: enin
photographer: future
stylist: moi

yo....this concept was the best....now note, i am a prop in this set i am the "make up artist" but know that i did style this shoot....

thanks mississippi

...yeah about that show...
first and foremost...GLORY BE TO GOD. your presence is real...i couldn't deny it if i wanted to...and i thank you for choosing to deal with me. wow. i'm am such a mess, and the mere of that is overwhelming. out of all of your children you choose to give me personal attention.
thank you.

sigh....i could no longer sit on the idea of girls walking around with jeans and tshirts. it was beginning to eat away at me. in an annoying kinda way. friday afternoon i met with one of the three partners at javaology....the first words out of her mouth to jump off the meeting...
"one of my partners is in mississppi, and will not be back until 4pm tomorrow. (day of the show) and i have no idea where my other partner is. we need clothes because we are uncertain as to whether or not the clothes that we are supposed to be getting will even come thru. this is a mess. there is an urgency for us to get clothes".

i sit there thinking...."hi melissa, good to see u too" instead i embrace her, tell her that i have been exactly where she is, assure her that everything will work out and that a great production will be produced, and then we proceed to talk. in conclusion, i was asked to use some of my resources to try and get more clothes. now that i think of it, it is amazing that the no parts of me questioned whether or not i would be able to get clothes, fire clothes at that, in less than 24 hours for a show the following night. she left me with the men's clothes, and i proceeded with my day.

i woke up saturday morning ready to begin my day. my mother's flight left at 4pm, but i had to say goodbye to her early because i knew that i had a full day ahead of me. we hugged and kissed one another and whispered our adioses. i was out of the house by 10, and at bad rags by 11. i left there with 4 pieces....God bless monica. i then went to shoe freak.....left with 2 pairs of seven jeans, and a million shirts....and with an invitation to return for shoes later. i was headed to (hmmmmm, how do i go about this, don't wanna put her business out there). okay. i couldn't get in touch with the owner of the last boutique. her line was staying busy for her home phone. eventually she called me back sounding absolutely drained.
"yea, so last night i spent time with the woman that my husband has been having an affair with"
whoa.
"ARE U OKAY?"
"yup.....i like her."
"HOW'S YOUR HEART?"
"100% better"
.....another story for another day.
after hearing that i didn't even want to ask her for anything
"pam, what were you calling for?"
once i told her, she provided me with the illest jewelry and clothes. her store alone was about to make the show.

women. wow. and i'm one too. i'm honored.

this night was long...the story is longer....
basically i worked hard to organize three solid scenes. i worked to match up jewerly, shoes, purses, put together pieces....i had 3 solid scenes with clear concepts. i sat down with the models and gave them the prep talks

"you love these clothes, you respect these clothes, you honor these clothes, you do not do anything to hurt these clothes. be careful, i don't want to see any makeup....rips, nothing. if it doesn't fit, do not force it!"
.................sidebar.............
during the fitting earlier in the day i felt tension from the mississippi partner. it eventually surfaced that she was mad at the partner that i met with for questioning her ability to come thru with the clothes. and her irritation was being channeled my direction, and i believe its because i came thru with better clothes at the drop of a dime. and i don't say that in a cocky way, but my clothes were of more quality and more interesting and fun to watch at a fashion show. her other two lines consisted of denim.
..........we're back...........

i set three scenes.
innercity coutoure
vintage soul
and my store (the third store i went to)....can't catch me....
scene 1.....i dress the girls...the girls walk....done
scene 2......i dress the girls....the girls walk....done
scene 3.......i dress the girls.....the girls walk....prepare for final walk.

at this point the girls look flawless. this is a finale.....memorable. i was pleased at an all time high. models line up to take their final walk. mississippi comes out of no where...."guys we're gonna get the leftover clothes and do a fourth scene".

pamela shepard is livid! yo....God was in me, cuz i was somehow controlled and composed....but my soul was literally on fire. mississippi threw together random pieces from each line....told the girls to grab jewelry and get ready to walk....

(calm down pam.....)
i am no longer in control. models are running up to me asking me how they look. i coulda screamed that they looked horrible. it was in me to throw a fit and refuse the models to walk out in those clothes. nia rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. i love her for that 1 moment. it was effective.

i began to gather together my clothes....and go off to be away from everyone.
javaology partner "are u okay?"
me "nah, but i'm not putting another ounce of energy into this until this is over"
javaology partner "oh no....what happened?"
me: "not now".

so of course she badgered me a good three more times...and i keep tellin her to just wait...we'll talk. the models return...and i congratulate them on a job well done. they're oblivious...and really i have no beef with them at all. they're tellin me how great i did....how much they wanna work together in the future....blah blah blah. yay models.

mississippi approaches me....
"i didn't mean to offend u....but u just have to know my personality. and i thought it was best for me to make an executive decision and extend the show....i didn't mean to offend u, u just have to know me"

......sidebar....knowing ur personality makes u being wrong acceptable? KILL THAT!.........

me.....
a CALM ME.....
"u have every right to make executive decisions, just know that the way u went about making that one was extremely unprofessional. this is my work with my signature on it. we all have roles...i am the stylist. things become problematic when you begin to step outside of your role."

irritated mississippi.....
"WELL....i am being woman enuff to come up to you and tell u that i didn't mean to offend u. u really do just have to know me....i'm sayin....i thought the show needed to be longer."

a CALMER ME....
"cool hun...u felt the show should have been longer. communicate that next time. stuff comes up and decisions need to be made, but its best when everyone knows. u articulated nothing to me. there was confusion from me to the models. and as a result there was no consistency in that last scene. i think its cool if u take the time to speak on it..."

and that was that.
GIVE ME A STANDING OVATION. i spoke in truth, not in a spiteful manner, and i had a calmness. the biggest thing is that i am striving for this to be my career. everything that my name is behind needs to be golden. so when i am asked to get clothes for a show (as a stylist, someone who just puts stuff together and doesn't actually retrive clothes) i do it, and make sure that they are the best clothes i can contribute. why? because i am affiliated with the project. sometimes u just have to do what u have to do. and i did. i worked hard man. and it still came out ....ugh. wrong.

life happens....
i waved goodbye to everyone and left with a smile. i want this to be my profession and i refuse to act stank due to a reactionary spirit. your attitude is your reputation. thanks mississppi, u challenged me. and i am pleased with my outcome. i gotta learn somehow.

i have faith that it will be better next time.

what a fall.....

i am sure that this is something that i say during every change of season....BUT i am feeling like this fall will be memorable forever. i drive down the street and literally get tears in my eyes. everything looks absolutely crisp. the blending of the colors are perfect.
i whisper goodbyes to the leaves as i watch them float from the branches to the ground. their lives are over, and their jobs have been served. like really...i wave goodbye to them.
and i think to myself...u did a good job, God is happy, u served your purpose. i guess i wanna be just like those leaves.

(disclaimer: all is not well) well, its going the way its supposed to be...sigh.
at any rate, i still feel light on my feet, creative, desired, kind, i dunno, i feel good.

lets see....updates...
well this weekend was absolutely eventful. two photo shoots and one meeting for a fashion show. the first shoot was dope...indian models....(some of the most hood women from pakistan i had ever met)....exotic jewelry...my product/retail shoot. i was SO excited. great shoot. long. but still great

*models are starting to get on my nerves....to all models out there...U ARE NOT THE STYLIST, U ARE A WALKING (SOMETIMES SITTING) HANGER...BE QUIET AND PRETTY*

second shoot was a bridal shoot on monday. sigh....pamela shepard doesn't even get geeked offa wedding dresses. and it was such an unconventional shoot simply because everything was provided. the dress, jewelry, shoes, the bride to be had all of that. the only thing was that her dress had not yet been altered...so i was there for that. we did that shoot in the suntrust building downtown. beautiful.

sunday, i was the last person to arrive for the meeting. "this is pam...she is a stylist, we are humbled to work with her cuz her work is awesome". whatta intro. so as i stood there with a goofy grin, after a delayed silence, i said "thank you". i waved, and sat down. the meeting was brief. i gotta feel for the theme of the show. number of models. blah blah blah. as everyone continued to sit aroud and socialize, i dipped out.

O
K
first rehearsal was last night. what have i gotten myself into. now mind you, the day i came to the first meeting, one of the directors pulled me aside and said "girl i might need u to walk in the show!"
"but i'm the stylist"
"oh we can work it out so u can do both"
"thats a little much, i'd rather not"
"ok...ok."
i go up there last night with nia. i needed someone to write down the order of the models and who wore what. she was my assistant. sidebar....at my bridal shoot i had a 40 year old woman as my assistant. THAT TICKLED ME. she was sweating me for so much ifno...i admire her!
back to nia
the directors pull me aside "oh we may need her in the show". i look at them like...damn do ya'll have women models...whats the issue, why are u recruiting everyone with breasts? i sigh, look at nia, who is the midst of the male models quasi posing and doing a great job of acting non interested in her surroundings.
"yea she'll do it".
they squeal with delight. "well does she need any training?"
"nope...she is a performer"
"great!".
i tell nia she has been recruited...she acts momentarily irritated and stressed, as she gets in the back of the model line all in one swift motion.
okay...so as i stylist i do print work. there i come up with the looks...and bring the aesthetic together. ummmm...this is so different. i don't want to step on any toes, so i make sure that i meet the vision of the designers and boutique. so basically i execute what i am told. and i feel like what i am being told is wak. wiggaty wak!

one store comes in with six pairs of jeans. and thats it.
he says "the girls are gonna walk with just the jeans, no shirts, covering their breasts".
creative pam "YES! and we can put sooooo much jewelry on them that little skin shows. the jewelry with serve the purpse as the shirts. bangles up their arms. chokers, neclackes, neckpieces, the whole nine. long earrrings..."
"no, we were just thinking, bangles"
...sad pam "oh, okay..."
that is so wak. wiggaty wiggaty wiggaty WAK. women with no shirts, orginal right? NO. not at all. and THEN he had the audacity to pick only two models for the six jeans. so ur scene is not only just jeans....but two girls wearing them. thats absolutely uninteresting.

so now i am concerned. when i am acknowledged at the end will people think that i styled the entire show? like those were all my ideas....? geez....i gotta figure this out. i am so agains that jean segment...thas not gonna work.

two models (out of maybe 15 girls) can walk. two. nia (surprise, surprise) and this chick shayla. everyone else looks damn near silly. but then i don't wanna overstep my boundries, cuz that is not my role. but then i don't wanna be apart of a silly wak show. pray pam. do somethin.

.....
pics from the retail/product shoot are not exporting from the camera. this is delaying my sending the pics to the company. i give it to God.

all will be well...its too beautiful outside for it not to be.

She is so awesome....

its up to us to pay attention to the omens. both good and bad. God wants our attention, and quite frankly, she of all people deserves it. (i'm feelin like God is a woman today...she's been so compassionate and nurturing these past couple of days).

so i am really hard on myself with this styling stuff. and i almost feel like if something is not popping off for me at least once a week...then i am seriously wasting time...not doing what i need to do. and i think that i have come to the conclusion that my thoughts are only partially true. yes, i do need to stay busy and engrossed with this...this needs to become my everything...but on the flipside, this is the type of work that can be wishy washy. nothing about freelance styling is synonomous with 9 to 5 stability. i get it.

so this week, and last week (even though i did place the warriors party as my priority) i haven't really had any styling projects. and that frustrates me. my mentor told me that a great deal of the market here in atlanta lies in styling for product/retail. not solely people. so this week it is my goal to get that in my portfolio. even though i am dreading it, because i have not one creative idea when it comes to the thought of styling a camera or a piece of jewelry or even a toaster. sigh....i don't even think of that as styling...thas set design. but, i do want to show my versatility. karla encouraged me to look though magazines when i expressed my difficulty with strong ideas. i tried...but when i look through magazines, i am damn near thinking up ways to slightly copy what i see. not the route...

tuesday i had lunch at slice. it was me...nia...t.i....and the rest of the commoners. LOL...well t.i. was there, just not with us. my friend came and sat by me...
"so ms. pam what are u up to?"
"staying on the grind to be the best stylist i can be...and u?"
"styling."
"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU STYLED....WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS?"
"yeah....i just did ludacris "georgia" video. and i style for this rock band"
"oh..."

why did i get SO down after that conversation. u have to understand that this young man and i used to model together. we also graduated at the same time. i felt so behind. discouraged even. so i kicked rocks throughout the rest of the day... i mean i was really down, just feeling like my progress is moving so slowly.

i love how God screams at me. honor your journey. within hours a weekend packed with events surfaced for me....
thursday...meeting with a makeup artist and local photographers
.....meeting with the art renaissance project (art and fashion) so i can show work and meet with the models so i can style for the fashion show ( i believe its friday)
REWIND...
wednesday...got a call from ambrosi (image consulting company) about sending samples of my work. AHAHHHHHHAAAA!
friday....i presume the fashion show
saturday.....modeling for a shoot with a new boutique in lil 5.....a nous (check it out) dope and affordable accessories......styling for a shoot for another boutique bombay gal (auburn ave) good stuff too....
all of these opportunities came up in hours

by monday i should have shot enough product/retail to send into ambrosi as an addition to my portfolio....

praise God from whom all blessings flow...thank you for being so attentive and timely.
i feel that you're always attentive (but in my immature point of view) not always so timely.
thanks for this though!

warriors....come out and PLAYYYY....

quite honostly...i have no earthly clue what i came out as....a 3 year old playing in her mom's closet? it was fun. the creativity of grown folks never ceases to amuse me!