middle ground.

he said: because i love old new york. people were so hungry, and everything was much less contrived.

i said: what is that about? it's crazy you're saying this, because i have had this reoccurring thought this past week. we're always trying to recreate the past...we want stuff to resemble how things once were. we all do it all the time.

he said: hmmmm

i said: like the stevie wonder party, everyone talks about how much better it was last year. and the year before that. and the year before that. we are always comparing to how things were before. complaining because everything was so much better back then. WAS IT SO MUCH BETTER? i dunno...

he said: i think the future is scary.

i said: hmmmm

he said: there is something wholesome about the past. we can identify with it because we have lived it.

........

... from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

that jumpsuit.

Judy Holliday (June 21, 1921 – June 7, 1965) was a Jewish-American Academy- and Tony Award-winning actress best known for the screwball comedy Born Yesterday and other films. She had a distinctive and endearing New York accent and persona. In 1952, she was called to testify before the Senate Internal Security Subcommittee to "explain" why her name had been linked to Communist front organizations. In spite of her 172 IQ,[2] she was advised to play dumb (like some of her film characters) and did so.[citation needed] She used this technique to avoid giving up names of people she knew to be Communists. Holliday experienced blacklisting during the anti-communist witchhunts of the 1950s and died of cancer in 1965 at the relatively young age of 43.

"You have to be smart to play a dumb blonde over and over and keep the audience's attention without extraordinary physical equipment."



brilliant film.
folks used to write + folks used to act.

........
*it's amazing what black and white films teach you about color.

precious.

"so how did you and uncle joe meet?"

..."girl, in the club. its not there anymore, but
we met at tremors in north raleigh"

"this is getting redundant...i have been here 4 days, and you are the
3rd person to talk about meeting her husband in the club.
hilarious.."

"girl yea. i met my man dancin. and you know what else??"

"what?"

"i knew that he would be my husband that very night. i told my girlfriend"

...

we sat on the porch as she smoked. my aunt wilma. hails from puerto rico
with her baby face, wide eyes, friendly smile, and wavy, grey streaked hair.

...she's cute, i too would have noticed her in a crowd.
...


my folks are my friends.






.....

eb wanted me to come to adam's morgan.

milan wanted me to meet her for happy hour.

mom and dad invited me to run to cvs, return the movie to redbox, grab water ice, and CRUISE.


now you tell me how my night unfolded.

quimby the jerk.

Quimby The Mouse from This American Life on Vimeo.

i kind of hate him.

my folk.

:) from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

..from a distance...

when you meet someone that

a. doesn't let you slip away after you begin to squirm

b. speaks honest intentions from day 1

c. shares your thoughts

d. pushes you to produce

love them HARD.
...not just because they are loving you,
but because they simply deserve it.

we started over a year ago.
...and we are still progressively getting better.

i have so much control.

1. don't chase the money.




2. understand that your work isn't for everybody.




3. if the project doesn't resonate with you, don't do it.



4. only showcase the work that you believe is worthy of an award.

tonight was so sexy.

i strolled out of my house to make the
9:00pm yoga class.










the teacher ended class
saying "ummm, that was delicious"

speaking of holy...

today ryan was baptized.

..and not baptized like aunt pam at 7:
7am "mom, i think i wanna be baptized today."

"really pam? why?"

"ummm, its just time" (signal #1 the child is shuckin and jivin, the vague, deep, but not deep at all response)

pause. pause. pause. "well, we'll see how you feel in service"

"yup, i'm doin it"

little pam, goes to church, and sleeps the entire service.

end of service.

mom rubbing me on my back.

"ummm, pam. its call to worship. but i don't think you're..."

"oh no mom. i'm going"

wipe the sleep out of my eyes, hop up. walk down from the balcony.

march to the front. join church.

so sad. i should be really embarrassed by that story.

ryan, on the other hand, is 15. as he told me this morning
"i am a mid-teen. its rough here. i'm not a kid, and i'm not grown."

he's right...he is exiting childhood and growing up.
thinking independently. moving in his own time. and making decisions
for himself.

....
wanna see/hear/feel some more religion?

When I Grow Up from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

i BELIEVE in her.

dey

.

i say world...

i say WORLDDDDDDD....

where is the boo?

setting love free.
setting love free?!

loving enough to let go.
not for you. but for them.
COSMIC! holy even.



....
i'm so special.

i know it.

reversing the universe

is entirely possible.

lets say i didn't like how things panned out the first time.

...i overreacted

...i initiated silence.

...i pretended to be indifferent.


whatever I may have done...I can still go back and push that part of ME aside.


the universe is forgiving.

feel free to go back and change your response.

you're allowed. welcomed even.


good things come when you simply do the right thing.

give good.
give good.
give good.
give good.

love.

i'm getting so good and grown.

it's quite beautiful.

respect.

good voguing makes me just sit quietly.
i feel excited and emotional.

its like watching accelerated joy.

black boots (leyomi) is a vision.

i love her.

deeply.

what's to come...

these children are mine.

and i am so thankful that i can claim them.

they make me curious about who will come out of me.

scriptless from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

head trip.

some days are easier than others.
i'm being dramatic, i digress.

starting over.
most of my days are pretty damn good.
today was a bit frustrating.
just difficult.

i stepped backwards and laid around in
the sunlight from my past.
i applied proof from yesterday to support my
wishful thinking today.
i didn't remember any hiccups or
glimpse any lingering blemishes.

i saw him clearly in my head.
and i liked what i saw.
but he wasn't really here.
just in my head.
and being just in my head is often times
more than enough.
but not today.
today sucked.


......


you all are tired of hearing about it.
so i'll be quiet.
..and just write it on my blog.
my buddy Blogger never judges me.
she/he lets me say whatever i want.

neon dye...

will

properly

conclude

this

project.

and so it is.

lights are blaring.
i'm woke.
and the dead has risen.

He bends down low to reach me.
to hold me.
to nurture me.
to comfort me.
to encourage me.
to push me.

even when i am unresponsive and limp, i am still held.



He gives. i take.
i've got to be more like Him.

.....

i must be patient with my love.

energized.

+ mesmerized.
















the pleasure seekers stumbled into berlin.

....good thing we always carry passports.

all coming from the same place.

this is where i am. and you are not invited. (sorry)




............
her lemon colored dress reminded me of the sorbet that we ate
as children. i felt that she always deserved the final spoonful of our icy
treat. ... and she expected it. if i was as pretty as her, i would probably
expect it too.

grownups always admired her clean clothes and perfectly pressed hair.
no matter how carefully i ate my meals or constantly tugged at my
braids, i consistently looked sloppy when standing by her side. i could
never seem to keep my barrettes on the ends of my hair. i would
find them on the bathroom floor, in the laundry hamper, on the
stoop, in the flower bed. any and everywhere. i would even grab
extra barrettes in the morning, and replace my lost ones
throughout the day. i could never keep up. my plaits
demanded that at least one be missing.

my lack of a polished presentation annoyed me, but i understood
that i couldn't change. stains and mix-matching accessories
were who i was. and this was how i was measured...ranked even.
number two. i am sure that if i were apart of a trio, then i definitely
would be number three. my place was behind.

she wore lemon and i wore mustard.


....

on another note.
its kind of annoying when clients act shocked after
hearing my day rate. it is what it is.
and *WARNING*...with this recession biz...it just might go up.


tee hee.

....
1. i got a haircut. damn dominicans. yay eve (evenareya.com)

2. yoga is metaphoric for how i approach life.

3. he came to town. had a huge meeting. fed me. and flew away (within 8 hours)

4. i want to purchase an easter dress.

5. minding my business. gots lot to mind.

3:09

...arm's length away.

i like these boys.