i'm in it for the pleasure...

..you have NO idea.














blame him.

my truth

instinctively, i have always gravitated towards darkness.

and aftwerwards...

i absolutely love finding my way into light.

....

what if i eliminate the darkness factor all together?

what if i just live light?

.....

WHOA!

indian summer...

freedom from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

i say thank you God.

my good good friend from way back when

marcia jones.



atlanta is becoming too much of a memory.

....

she was a professor at cau.

we partied together often.

i loved her. and she loved me.

i never sat in her classroom,

but she taught me A LOT.

"pam...you are a stylist...so BE ONE!"

.....

i don't do anything alone.
i have been pushed and led every single day.

thank you all.

new spaces. new faces.

dear brooklyn,

i love you dearly...always remember that.
don't ever feel threatened when i venture off.
you hold a special place in my heart.
forever and always.

sincerely, pam

don't work from a needy place (part deux)

a past reminder

monday-

he says: we are shooting sat, are you free?
i respond: what does the video entail?
he says: i dunno all the details. management will contact you.
management says: i'll call you tonight

*no phone call

tuesday-

he says: reference some mexican gangster images, thats what i want.
i say: i'm not confirmed for this project, no one contacted me.
he exclaims: whoa! wow!...okay. let me make some noise
i say: i need to know, concept, # of looks, budget
management says: 16 looks, goes into detail about concept, skips budget altogether.
i respond: 16 looks is a lot for a 3 day prep period. fashion week is next week, closets are closed. i can shop for the shoot, and if that works for you, then we can discuss my rate.

wednesday-
(late afternoon)

management says- okay, can we do 3 looks each? and mix some of their personal closets with some of the stuff you can pull? and whats your rate?
i respond: ...in a stout email that i can't compromise my work on such a time crunch. i tell her that i love the band, and appreciate the fact that they want to work with me, but i cannot service them with my best work with twelve cohesive looks in two days i ask that she encourage the band to think of me for future projects.

*i blind copy two of the band members onto that email.
management: does not respond.

band member #1 says: Totally cool Pam. I appreciate everything
I'm sorry everything has been so last minute we have been trying to do a Bazillion things at once. But u are 100% on my radar for everything.

band member #2 says: Hey Pamsterdam. Thanks for the honesty

.....

okay.
i am more than pleased.
its a matter of not only respecting your work, but also creating boundaries for how you work.

my roommate has moved out, and i am now responsible for paying double what i normally pay for rent (anyone in need of a home?) i have been in conversation with myself and God...

i need work.
september has to be a big month.
let me be available for projects.

i am learning what i give most value.
myself.

.....

all is well.

how i see things.

i am constantly looking at visual stories and thinking of how i would
have approached the concept.



this is dope.
dope.
dope.
dope.
i understand the direction...but i don't completely agree with the execution.
(as if anyone cares)


on my set:
she would have been standing straight, connecting with the camera, with her head slightly leaning back on the wall.
we would believe that she was perfectly comfortable.
in a moment of pause.
her emotion would be calm + content.

her clothing would offer no interruptions with her hair...her look would be simple.
super simple.
option 1:
skinny strap, low cut, heather grey tank. high waisted blue jean. clean leg. 5inch + open toe stiletto. patent leather navy.
eyes.

option 2:
a slashed shift dress.
a fabric with a shimmer that has slits all throughout the dress, creating built in necklaces
bareoot
colored lip.

option 3:
all black
a fitted sheer tee...skinny skinny suspenders (with some type of dark print)...slightly baggy pants...and a lace up, flat boot.
clean face

for all options...
same pose.
with a bright white backdrop to contrast her hair.

cleaner lines with her hair,no stray aways.

...........................

i'm inspired.
oh MY Story:

geeta...evie...kwes...suki...come onnnn...
we can create a story surrounding weight.
and we can MAKE hair...filled with the things that burden us.
money.
money hair is cool.
orrrr , ummm...
well money is the only one that i can think of that feels fairly universal.
but i know that there are more...

i would like this in my book by the end of this month.

please and thank you.

wisdom.

cody chesnuTT @ 09snstjnctn from preAMP+ on Vimeo.

some people are just so remarkably consistent.

they don't have to be in your face all day every day.

because when they show up...they show up!

and so She said

"the light cancels out darkness all the time,
and that is the premise that we have to live by.
that is my encouragement"

.....

i often speak in terms of light...and today i understood
that its not original thinking on my behalf. the presence
of my mother has shaped me. i submit to this fact.

my cousin is suffocating, and is in a space where its a
challenge for her to breathe. her vision is blurry
and her speech is muffled. she has temporarily
misplaced her source. her mother just died
and she opts to sit alone. with shades drawn and
no communication she is pushing away those that
love her. shoving, not nudging, screaming, not speaking.

the mind is a deep deep cavern.
it has the power to make you feel brilliant and sharp.
as well as terrifyingly outside of sanity (perhaps all in the same day)
...in between we float along, subconsciously navigating
where we wish to rest.

.......
if she is close, hug and kiss her.

if she is far, send love her way.

give thanks for mamas.

shut DOWN.

"mannnn ma, i'm tryna have some babies..."

silence

"be quiet pam."

.....

did she play me?

yes.

was i serious nonetheless?

again, yes.

contradictions for days.

lean not unto your own understanding...

1. its for the birds

2. its a huge waste of time.

.....

the one thing that we must do is:

keep moving.

(unless is time to be still)

i learned it in the 7th grade

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

....paul laurence dunbar

i was sooooo deep in ms. kelly's class.
i loved the language then...and got particularly
excited when i recalled the words today.
......

this morning i heard the words:
IF YOU FAIL TO BE TRANSPARENT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THEN
YOU WILL NEVER ACHIEVE INTIMACY.

...oh how we all enjoy intimacy.
the moments of an exchange.

get worthy.
stay worthy.

saturday night i am booked

PSA: Free from Karen Abad ♥s Dinosaurs. on Vimeo.

...this is really going to take me to the next level.

THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!

therapy...finding my delight.

tonight.
i sat on my stoop to eat dinner.
a cat welcomed himself to join me.
at first i was angry at him and
told him to leave.
then he laid down.
so i then decided to not be angry,
and chose to be nice.
he sat at the bottom.
and i sat at the top.

he left.
and i tried to meditate.
well, actually, i had tried earlier, but my phone rang.
i was relieved + and answered it.
we hung up.
the had cat left.
so i tried again.

breathing is such a gift.
time moves when i get still.

i'm always proud of myself
when i take time to listen to myself.

i then came upstairs and did this.
















i like it.

shep!

yesterday i was remarkably transparent.

today i was difficult to read.

similar crowd. no drastic change of environment.

....

he used to tell me

"you're consistently inconsistent"

back then, i honestly believed that i had masterfully set aside all of my good JUST for him.

wanting to be both perfectly supportive and cute at all times.


looking back, i can only come to two conclusions:

1. i was so disconnected from my insides that i didn't recognize disappointment from adoration.

or

2. he was a soothsayer...

........
(mumbling)
or maybe its #3...
i was young and open.
and he got me for who i was.
who i am.
who i was.
who i am.
........

it continues...

it ALWAYS continues.

it all counts.

its all very tricky
when you are not paying attention.

when woven into the lives of those
around you...it can sometimes feel
as though what's theirs is yours.

...not the case.

the confusion is understandable.
the confusion is a nuisance.

what's mine is mine.
i take that to bed with me at night.
what's theirs is theirs.
they wake up with that in the morning.

the web is only tangled if we mistake
where the lines cross.

.....

my anxiety is low.
my persistence is high.

i'd be a fool to not pay attention

she said, loud and clear,

"do not work from a needy place.

it's desperate.

and when you really trust in your work,

you don't behave desperately."

....

ashe + amen.

e-pen pals

cool hunter introduced me to this guy.

everyone, meet pedro.
my new e-pal that lives in portugal.

after spending lots of time on his website,
i put together a collage for my design lovers
and sent out his work.

"who's heard of this guy?...he's mine!'

before leaving the house, i decided to send him an email
telling him how connected i felt to his work...and how
much i enjoyed that feeling.

i went out...got clothes...and returned to an email
that read:

Thank you so much, that words means a lot to me.
I knew your work/ website before, so its a really nice surprise your email.

Could i ask you something, how is to live in NY?

Thank you,
Pedro

whaaaa?
so of course i got extremely emotional and hyper.
i love that there are communities of folks that see one
another.

even when its hard to see...i will always have somebody.
somewhere.
that is a gift.

....

-the end.

rich (or lame) beautiful men

(titled by sunflower face)

lets talk about it
........

8:19 wasn't extremely late for our 8:00 date.
while walking up the steps to his building, i gazed
out past the holland tunnel exit, looking at the
river. pretty. he opened the door, grabbed me,
led me into the elevator, and pushed 2.

on the other side of the elevator door was a
real door. we stood in the elevator as he
got out his keys to unlock it. after exiting the
elevator shaft and entering his home
i stopped dead in my tracks. sounds funny, but
my first thoughts were
"wow..this is a mansion"...a mansion of
an apartment. i had a strong urge to politely
excuse myself...purchase an evening gown from
a nearby store....and quickly return with proper
attire.

i can't begin to imagine the square footage...i choose
to believe that this is a space where movies are filmed.
everything was so surreal...i felt like i was on a set.
it was a huge open space that housed a kitchen,
dining room, lounge area, and a sitting space.
with flat screens, amazing light fixtures,
plush couches, smart tables, massive paintings, huge
bay windows along the periphery of the room, and
stately statues strategically strewn about. my eyes became
intoxicated. i was amazed by how well arranged
and cohesive all the elements in his home came together.
well done.

without having to pee, i requested the whereabouts of the
bathroom. i just wanted to see the back of the palace...
the bathroom resembled the second bedroom in my apartment.


"welcome pamela"

i smiled, took off my shoes, and shimmyed
into the kitchen. as i sat cross-legged in
a throne (literally) across the room, i watched
him prepare our salmon. he's a
beautiful man...early thirties...stable
in his career...and genuinely into me.

none of this is new...we met last summer
and attempted to date. after i faded, so
did our communication. due to a recent inadvertent
reunion here we are a year
later...in a "mansion"...trying again.

.....

"enough about me..tell me more about you"

"i don't wanna go alone, i want to go with you!"

"i was signed...i modeled for years. you didn't know that?"

"high five for being so pretty"

"well...you do know that i play semi-pro right?"

"i tell my co-worker all the time, 'you should really think like me'"

"soooo what happened to us?"

"i mean really...i stand out as a leader in that group"

"i drive a saab, you've been in it right?"

"oh...women approach me all the time"

"do whatever you want in here, my space in your space"

"you are so young, and you have so much wisdom.."

"at this rate, i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have a kid before
i get married"

...........



thrones or not.

i can't.

...........

mom: you are so judgemental...you can't judge someone off the first date pamela.

quiet, irritated, inside voice pam: ...is it safe to judge him after the 10th date that
took place over the span of an entire year?

mom: you hear me talkin to you?

me: yup. i hear you. there is a backstory. i'll share it another day.

mom: no you won't.

she's probably right about that.

........

sigh.

my foresight is ill...

...i just KNEW that this was perfectly fine for a ten year old.

behind the scenes from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

yes yes...the song is problematic for a million + one reasons.
wanna know what else is problematic for a million + one reasons?

nike.
mcdonalds fries.
greygoose.
rich, beautiful men.
pollution.
dirty fingernails.
gossip goons.

...glad we covered that.

this video is gawgeous!

Kid Cudi - New Music - More Music Videos

oh me. oh my.

little dragon from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

revelation of the moment

i am not a workaholic.

...i just don't have an amazing work ethic.



the work just comes...it simply happens.

chance favors the prepared mind...luck is being prepared for an opportunity.

blah blah blah.

working on my discipline.

hello, i am a stylist.

a blue yawn

good morning buttercup.






no, no, you mean goodnight ladybug.




either one, both are good.

reunited.

i sat at the table doing everything in my power to not stare. stirred the sugar at the bottom of my drink, initiated conversations on instant messenger, added some arbitrary tasks to my "to do" list...i tried very hard to appear busy. he had already caught me looking at him twice, and i was feeling embarrassed. for some reason that i couldn't pinpoint back then, i chose not to rush out with my belongings and a bowed head. i stayed put.

moments later, i realized that he was working with his back towards me. as he prepared lattes, i happily watched him move. the swiftness of his turning around caught me off guard. i had no time to look away. as our eyes met a third time, i began to feel sensations. i had to speak.

"okay. hi. my name is pam, and i know i keep looking at you, and that's weird. i don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable,(pause) but you are perfectly beautiful. you are making me feel a certain way...and its not romantic or sexual...just really really good. i feel good looking at you."

pause

"okay. out of all the things i imagined you, or me, saying...this was not it. wow. wowwwww."

pause

"i know. its random. but i felt like had to speak. i feel really drawn to you...i feel crazy for saying this, but its like i know that you're good and about good things."

"i'm honored. truly. this is such a huge compliment."

"can we be in touch? i'm assisting as a stylist, and i am starting to work on my portfolio. i think it would be awesome to work with you. i feel so much when i see you"

"the funny thing is, i am very uncomfortable having my picture taken. i just finished interning at fader magazine, and they asked me to pose for some stuff, and it was kind of hard for me to do. but, i will give you my info, and we can talk about it. i'll try my best"

a week later we shot.
it is still one of my favorite projects.



we spent close to every day and night together for the next eleven months.
he yelled at me for still living in atlanta and not moving to ny to
seriously start pursuing my work. we look at one another now and comment on how much we've aged and ascended into new people. even with distance and over time, our spirits still speak clearly with one another.

......

four years later, i now know to never question what is sensational.

if i feel it...then it is good.
forever & always.

two weeks

temporarily lost my blackberry, broke up fights, went deaf in my right ear, glimpsed a potential car accident, inhaled salt water, suffered from sunburn, was diagnosed with swimmer's ear, shaved a chunk of skin out of my ankle, misplaced my atm card and id, had an emergency doctor's visit, listened to michael's funeral, argued with my father, paid $188 to rent a car for a day, lost my favorite sunglasses, watched stef lose her flip flops to the ocean, listened to my mother complain about how i make her tired.

it was a perfect two weeks.

mini and major me

l

o

v

e

previous responses:

january 9, 2008

i live for color and capturing moments.
documenting life through photos and or words excites me.
creating a marriage between text and a photo...
and telling a cohesive story is allll i want to do.

........

Everything I do has to come from an honest place, not to just sound good.
I know the power of art and I hate that it is wasted on empty messages
when so many people need the therapy that music can offer. I feel fulfillment
when I can capture a moment, or an idea, or an emotion in words.

......

self contentment and still having the ability to produce...my motive is the passion.
it feels good getting paid for doing something you love...and even you don't
break even...at least you got your name out there a little more.

........

I feel like I finally just found peace with WHO I am... now it's about fig. out
what I'm supposed to do. FASHION has always been a given since I can remember...
I live for life's ideals, life's luxuries, beauty in every form-
art/dance/color/sound/people/the unknown/the unusual.. I've always seen
fashion as this global entity that I wanted to be a part of...

........

in turn, the children inspire me to be patient, humble, innovative, and understanding.
they force me to be better as a child would be for their parents. i am reminded daily
that if i am not at my best, they are not at their best.

......

many are called, but few are chosen.

oh yea...

1. i was a brown child, and i now remember why.

2. i forgot how much i hate peeing while wearing a bathing suit.

3. spf on your lips help.

4. butterflies are harmless, spastic, but harmless.

5. let your body lead, and your feet follow

6. follow through is everything

7. board games are supposed to be a good time.

8. singing and giggling simultaneously is most fun.

9. handstands under water are far easier than headstands out of water.

10. joaning never gets old.

.......

14 y/o him: "yea, but she is like in her twenties right?"

moi: "yup."

14 y/o him: "oh okay, so she is married right?"

moi: "nope."

14 y/o him: "oh. that's weird."

moi: "is it? i'm in my twenties and not married."

14 y/o him: "yea...but you're like, busy."