kindred spirits....

dream 1.
as she laid on the couch she began to fantacize....his huge black truck....long locks...and she was the perfect trophy wife.
"God please remove these thoughts from me..."
following her please, she turned over she fell asleep immediately.

she saw herself on a stage accepting an award. everyone cheered and clapped to congratulate her accomplishments. she stood there in her fine gown mentally preparing to give her acceptance speech. as a black community leader that always nurtured and worked with the youth, she wanted her words to be perfect. at the end she said "and i'd like to thank God". she said it simply because its the thing to say...u know, rapper, football player, actress, dancer....it is always protocal to first thank God. she turned off t
he platform and headed backstage....

-
she was smiling in her sleep...took a deep breath...and knew that she could die in that moment a fulfilled woman....
-

the moment she reached backstage she began to float. she was amongst angels. they all floated outside of the venue and flew directly to a train. this was the train to heaven. everyone was extremely warm and welcoming. there were many humans and angels. she watched as the angels went from one person to the next and congratulated them on their meaningful lives and complimented them on how well they lived for God. she watched the exchange of many hugs and kisses. as the angels approached her

-she took a deep breath-

they immediately pushed her off the train and told her that she never relayed the message of God's love.

-
she woke up. her eyes opened and she became worried....and instantly she fell right back into the dream
-

as she floated away she was surrounded by different people. she was comforted in knowing that she wasn't the only one kicked off the train. she even became prideful and excited about the idea of meeting knew people. seconds later she felt the presence of evil. she was surrounded by demons...

-
she woke up. she was stuck and unable to move. pinned to the couch. with her eyes wide open the ceiling began to turn into darkness. she could no longer pinpoint her surroundings in her aunts house because everything became dark.

"jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus. jesus"

she arose and sat there puzzled as to what was the dream and what was reality.




.........
dream 2
i don't dream. well i probably do, but it takes a lot for me to actually rememeber what happened in my dream. as the day progresses i can see or hear things that will trigger my memory...and i will say ...."that was in my dream". everything is always fragmented. i can count the number of dreams i have remembered in my lifetime.

all i remember is that kanye and diddy threw me a surprise party.
(no segue)
it was an outer body experience because i watched the blood spread on my wife beater. i was shot. my perspective switched because i saw that i was shot in the back also. i then watched my body fall backwards.

i woke up staring at the ceiling fan. the atmosphere was not right. i didn't want to move too much. the vibe in the bedroom was eerie. i looked around....prepared to see someone or something. i am good for seeing images that aren't there...and i know that they aren't there...but they are so real and vivid to me and my eyes. i looked out the window prepared to see anything walk by. it was wrong in there. i just prayed that God would allow me to escape and return back to sleep. the weird thing was that i wasn't trippin. i watch NO violence. i am so sensitive to the imagery that i take in. so the two dreams i have ever had with other people getting shot have really effected me. and last nite, i watched myself die(?)....nah i dunno that i died but i watched myself get shot and i wasn't trippin. i was cool. i woke up with a peace. but the air around me was wrong.

we both dreamed of our deaths.
and i don't dream....

hmmm....

asha bandele checked me....and i'm appreciative....wow.

.....getta load of this.....

Pam-

Thank you for all your kind words, and yes, that does sound like my wild
beautiful Aries girl. She must have seen something in you. About Essence,
I left the magazine about a year and a half ago to pursue a fellowship at
Columbia. Since then there have been great changes in leadership, not the least of
which is the magazine's sale to Time, Inc. They also have a new editor in chief.
It's a hard moment to try to read where things are going and the best way to
introduce yourself. On the one hand i would imagine that a new editor in
chief will make tremendous changes to the staff and likely bring in people she
knows who can shore her up in what I would imagine is a challenging time
for her. On the other hand, because there will likely be changes, maybe they are
looking for fresh, new talent. My best advice would be to reach out
to--and stay connected to--the human resource department at Essence, which is headed by a lovely woman named Judy Jackson. Please let her know I referred you. Ms. Jackson and I sort of passed each other--she arriving and me leaving in the same month or so. But all my interactions with her were warm, smart and
satisfying. One last thing I would add Pam--and I say this certainly not knowing your
talent. Before reaching out to Essence, which remains the premier
lifestyle magazine for Black women, make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Make sure when you show up, you show up ready. I didn't go to Essence until I had
been publishing with magazines for 10 years, had a master's degree and written 2
books. Even still, there was a great learning curve. I don't say this to
discourage you from applying, but to make sure when you step up, you know
you're stepping up with some tremendous talent--and competition. I hope that
makes sense and doesn't come across as harsh. I don't mean it to. I just always
want to remind the beautiful and talented young folks who are poised to take
over industries across this country, that it means something to pay your dues;
it means something to wait for your moment, to earn it; and that it means
something to be prepared. That, at least, was my experience and the road I took.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Be well,

asha bandele

colorful naked ice cream!

lets start this off with a sidenote....in about 2 weeks...all baskin robbins in the atlanta metropolitan area (ITP...inside the perimeter).....will post a sign saying "DO NOT SERVE THIS WOMAN!" with my picture beside the text. and its crazy...cuz i am not EVEN acting up. i figure that it may be in these folks culture to get so aggressive with customers...i dunno.

so yea....on my birthday i got yelled at for requesting two flavors in one scoop.

a week prior to that i got replied to recklessly when i commented on how the baskin robbins was short of 31 flavors, and asked if i could get a discount on my purchase since i was not satisfied with the flavor that i was forced to order....(right like someone had a gun to my head)

YESTERDAY...we voluntarily walked into hell yet again. only because its 1.00 scoop tuesdays. am i ignorant for asking if two scoops are two dollars? i mean thats nothing short of logical in my mind. "NOOOOOOO...2 scoops is the regular price. you can only get one scoop for one dollar!" i have been yelled at 3 times in the past two weeks. only 3 times though. no one else has raised their voice at me.

"okay well i will walk out...sit in my car...eat this scoop....and return once i have finished and am ready for my second DOLLAR scoop." ....nia harris.

lesson to learn? either stop eating so much damn ice cream. OR holla at jakes...cold stone....smoothie king....bruesters....i need to find a black owned ice cream shop....where is the water ice youngin from clark?.....well, somethings gotta change.

who's with me? the revolution against lame ass baskin robbins begins today! spread the word.

okay....let me tap into non spiteful pam....tapping....tapping....well....she'll surface eventually.....

i JUST got an email about styling for a nude shoot. now i think that i am imaginative...exploratory...and down right creative when it comes to styling and this has NEVER crossed my mind. this shows me how high i place clothes. this is so exciting for me. extremely challenging. this will completely turn my thinking pattern upside down. i mean, hmmmm....hmmmmm! i think body art is going to be involved. i dunno why i just said that. nothing in the email said anything about body art. which do i value more? the woman's body or color? i have a strong attraction to both. and to eliminate one completely.....

wow. i have to think differently and i am excited.

.....

quote of the day...

i come to art to be seduced, i come with a desire to be moved. so go ahead move me, please go ahead and try to seduce me.

~hollywood africans....

the 22 year old pam

praise God for another year.
oddly enough i feel like a great deal of my growth in the past year occured when is 21 and 363 days old. funny right.


i woke up to a text message from brazil. "good morning pam, go to church because you can. have a good day"

i rose out of the bed and it was almost as though people then got a memo that i was awake because my phone began to ring like crazy. i decided to let some calls go to voicemail and to actually answer others.

"good morrrrrrrningggggg"
chuckle..."hey pam. how are today?"
"i'm goooooooodddd, how are youuuuuuuuuu?"
"i'm good. ur in a good mood today"
"why yes i am."
pause
silence
"ummmm, chico?"
"wassup?"
"uh uh, say it"
pause " say what?"
" oh HELL NO....SAY IT"
"pam what is the matter with you? say what?"
"chico today is my birthday, i have someone on the other line i have to go"
"dfajkfjakjfdkajkfdjlkjadkljaf blah blah blah blah blah blah it IS your birthday blah blah blah fksajfkdajjlajdfkjfkldjalkdjfl Happy Birthday blah blah blah"
"bye chico"

i clicked over and continued to speak with chantae. smile...he is an ex. purposefully.

anyway i got myself together...decided that i wanted to feel cool at church. i wore a white tee, my huge jeans ripped in the knee, a small green and yellow hoodie, and pink slippers. yeah i felt cool. lol...i am so lame because i am so serious.



so God granted me with two personal gifts. one being the photo shoot that i ROCKED the day before. first real paid styling job. well second, but this one was big. booyaw grandma. second gift, the message at church.

man matthew 6:25-34 read it kids. read it and be comforted. i felt like the only person in the congregation. the words were pertaining to me so personally and relating to thoughts that i had been meditating on the past couple days...it was awesome!

went in the parking lot only to see a number of balloons and candy strewn on my car. oh pink jacket lipstick wearers...u girls rock.

proceeded to go to the atlanta art expo by myself. white people kill me. i was one of the youngest and among the few brown people there. "oh my heavens i LOVE your hair, its just so....so....free". shut ur face.

left there and headed back to my car. this guy approaches me....attractive, cute lil style..."sis, i just had to approach you....your hair" STOP. ok sir u shut ur face too.

met with nia at milan's. we went to borders. she did homework. i read more of the alchemist aka my personal diary and went through all the fashion mags. more ideas for MY SHOOT ON SATURDAY. smile. left borders...
"i knew i recognized that hair"
and it was cameron, the one white boy i went on a date with. sigh. yea.

i then got yelled at at baskin robbins for asking to split two flavors in one scoop. i was tickled and offended all at the same time, left promptly.

milan nia eb and i went to piedmont to skateboard. fun fun fun. we skateboarded and took pictures. we even met torie. he tried to teach my tricks. torie and tierra, some of the cutest kids ever. they were so friendly and kind.

"do you have dreads or is your hair just loose?"
"loose"
"hmmmm....oh"

we walked from piedmont to that thai place across from apre diem. nice.
this was by far the most low key birthday i have ever had in this city....in the last 4 years. i LOVED it. i had no expectations and everything was so simple. just enjoying the people i love.

i ended my day with a text message from brazil...happy birthday pam, i love you.

thank you God for clarity and confirmation. thanks for my gifts also....all of them.

to the stranger i knew...

my heart is heavy. my heart is heavy for someone that i did not know. i only saw her in passing when i was cosby groupie, and lingered on that side of campus. i knew her name before i knew her face. i liked her name. her name sounded smart to me. and then finally some point in time came where i was able to put two in two together.

ohhhhhhhh thats her? i've BEEN seen her...

i used to watch and observe her whenever we crossed paths. she was so tall and slim. i wondered if i carried myself like her. we had similiar builds, and i admired the way walked. head held high, natural poise, and a sensuality that was embedded in her hips. i liked that, and i wanted to be like her.

perhaps she noticded me watching her, because she always made it a point to acknowledge my presence. it was cool feeling like i knew her, even though i really only knew her name and her awesome stride.

nothing is promised. NOTHING IS PROMISED. fear nothing. love everyday. sacrifice everyday. dance everyday. laugh everday. speak in truth everyday. work with purpose everyday. touch everday. remember everyday. cherish everyday.

my heart and my prayers go out to her family, friends, and spelman college.
r.i.p. nikia bazemore