wild cowgirl

dames.

2010-06-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

26 looks good.

feels eh...

definitely looks good.

slowwww down

2010-05-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

its such a frustrating feeling when i cannot calm

down my overactive mind when my body is ready

to rest.

-if i haven't yet received my final answer

-if i can't see the next scene

-if i don't understand his reaction

-if i don't understand my story

i have to mentally repeat

breathe in

breathe out

breathe in

breathe out

....

this mind of mine is experiencing a new phase.

when you don't follow your spirit

2010-05-10T02:26:00.000-07:00

you walk into trouble.

i absolutely HATE these moments.

i am angry at myself for not trusting myself...

and allowing someone to talk me out of myself.

i feel prisoner to proceeding in this direction...

because my mind won't swell up to think differently:

offer me alternatives

i want to bow out gracefully.

my dignity is important.

...as is my reputation.

i've changed my mind

i've remembered my intuition

but now i'm in it.

how do i get back out?

(tick tock tick tock)

stuck

2010-04-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

we drank haitian rum with lemon juice.

its now time to go to sleep.

i expect to feel better in the morning.

he is running full steam...

2010-04-20T21:33:00.001-07:00

its his time.

cheers to kehinde.

MY FAVE BY FAR!

2010-04-19T00:22:00.001-07:00

she has good vision from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

i literally just got back

2010-04-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

kizzy.riverhead.peaches.submercer.longislandcity.barricou.fortgreene.condo.meetingtime.newpaltz.rockclimbing.

in 3 days....

this city is exhausting.

new season.

2010-04-15T14:57:00.001-07:00

many moons ago

2010-04-13T20:24:00.001-07:00

red light special.

let it be known

2010-04-12T22:29:00.001-07:00

Cheeba feat. Bilal from Plug Research on Vimeo.

that i am looking for someone.

...give me 3 months.

at the very most- we have 3 degrees of

separation. this will happen.

circa 1992

2010-04-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

location - mcdonalds drive thru

long silence

8 year old pam- robin...i have a question.

17 year old robin- what?

8p- i think its kind of weird

17r- that's okay...what is it?

8p- well i am looking at the guy in the car in front of us.

17r - mmhm

8p- and, i think he's black.

17r- okay...and i think you're right

8p- SO WAIT! you can tell what race
someone is by how the back of their head looks?

17r- ummm, sometimes you can.

8p- that's like...psychic.

17r- it's not at all like being psychic.

YVES SAINT LAURENT!

2010-04-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

y marisa.

*giggle* thank you grace.

noted

2010-03-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

according to my gmail archives (which represent a huge part of my life)

i say the word "keep" far more than i say "release".

about 5 times more.

i gotta get over being so hesitant about letting things go.

from whichever way you look at it.

2010-03-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

you can't turn me away.

excitedly, the model asked...ARE YOU FRENCH TOO?

2010-03-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

"nope...i'm american. a black girl from maryland...."

-"WHERE!?!"

(smile)

......

my critique of the day:

Beau style, étrange et élégant !

oh to be called both strange and elegant!

dad said

2010-03-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

no one is going to represent you like you.

stay present.

people will remember you pam.

and if necessary, don't shy away from reminding them.

...i know you did it for christmas. did you market

yourself for valentines day?

......................

i love that man.

strategy

2010-03-22T21:00:00.001-07:00

feel it out.

lurk...and ease into spaces.

less face.

make magic.

.....

i am finding my power.

sharing my gifts.

i am always drawn to color

2010-03-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

but these days i am seeing so much in black in white.

even the things that ordinarily offer color.

i am liking this phase...i am learning so much about

texture, patterns, silhouettes, and composition.

....

a long time ago a seasoned stylist told me

"watch the mary tyler moore show...you will
learn everything about color theory. the
director was color blind, and the palette of
that show has such a system."

she also suggested study i love lucy to learn about contrast.

(head bowed)

2010-03-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

...

...i had to.

why am i 26?

i like young boys these days.

i feel like he could take care of me.

(am i out of line right now?)

....

30+ dudes...take notes.

this is very important.

2010-03-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

gucci spring 10

..that is all.

working artists.

2010-03-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

rappers releasing albums.

photographers getting published.

promoters promising a good time.

art directors entering a residency.

designers honoring specs.

filmmakers screening movies.

models traveling the world.

writers speaking on panels.

installation artists creating spaces.

architects building.

...

things are brewing. taking shape.

our dreams are not deferred.

we are hustling, strategizing, praying our way through.

expecting desired outcomes.

i wish us all the best.

its all practice

2010-03-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

beauty. (i think)

what are you so afraid of?

2010-03-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

what he thinks?

silence?

what she says?

how mama and daddy respond?

....

get into yourself.

....

it's really important that you do pamela.

pause.

2010-02-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

i am resisting the urge of "googling" people

immediately after meeting them.

that rash movement isn't fair to me or them.

discovering someone is a gift.

one that is heightened when all five senses are activated.

face time...LETS GO!

let us dance.

2010-02-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

your atmosphere is determined by your presence.

let us shine.

(because we have the power to do so)

......

always sing.

always offer praise.

always give thanks.

yo comprende

2010-02-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

this genius is not for everybody.

or as ma would say: don't share your pearls with pigs.

year in review

2010-02-23T21:24:00.001-08:00

fortune

blessings

luck

...call it what you want.

it has been good.

.....

esp because i have this man on my gchat list.

*i just got chills...again.

YES!

highlights.

2010-02-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

20/20 vision from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

rain, shine, sleet, or snow.

2010-02-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

...mama gotta pay these bills

...and i am thrilled to pay them doing this.

g.r.a.t.i.t.u.d.e.

...i got lots of it!

p.s. lines are entirely too sexy at times.

roxanna floyd..

2010-02-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

i had the pleasure of meeting this woman.

she was both beautiful and charismatic.

she impressed me most was the clarity

that she had when it came to her work.

she seemed to let her talent lead her.

she closely understood that she was walking

in purpose...connecting her beginnings

of working at a jewish man's lab, mixing chemicals

to create colors...to progressing into one of the

most respected makeup artists in

the beauty industry.

lifeisquick.

rest in beautiful peace.

hey heart heads...

2010-02-14T12:40:00.001-08:00

happy love day.

dark + beautiful

2010-02-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

i've always been into it

my spirits are down.

2010-02-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

led by feelings

2010-02-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

instinct is a priceless guide.

resistance against what feels right

is a waste of my time.

this is fact:

if i do my part (and do it well)

then i am progressing.

that's all i really need to know.

and its honestly good enough for me.

i have enough past proof to trust this fact.

....

my vision is hazy.

there was a time when this frustrated me,

i wanted to know what i was working towards.

because then i would know what steps to take

to get there.

i envied zora neale hurston who had

flashes of scenes that would take place in

days/years/decades to come. she had a

sense of her future.

that hasn't been my life and that's fine.

i am now cool with being partially blind.

i just think about the type of

work that i want to be doing...and give thanks

for being able to live that now.

i do have one clear detail about what's to come.

i want it to be bigger than me...

if other people can eat off of this work, then

a full harvest will have been reaped.

that will be a testament to my patience and persistence.

mama fed me. and her mama fed her.

... i too plan to feed a lot of folks.

love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.love.

2010-02-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

my cup is running over these days.

absolute power

2010-02-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

"This has always been a motto of mine:

Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work."

- Bette Davis

"Every important choice we make is being guided by one of two places:

either it is an act of faith or it is an act of fear. Faith opens the door to a new future."

- Debbie Ford

"Defeat is a state of mind. No one is ever defeated until defeat

has been accepted as reality. To me, defeat in anything is merely

temporary, and its punishment is but an urge for me to greater effort

to achieve my goal. Defeat simply tells me that something is

wrong in my doing; it is a path leading to success and truth."

- Bruce Lee

"If you can think it, you can do it. As for fear, just go through it.

Ask to receive believe and you'll achieve.

Love is the key, to unlock your destiny. The present is all you have

Trust in the Master's plan. Today is gone too soon, get going

So you don't die with your music still in you."

- Mastin Kipp

from the great prophet...

2010-02-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

I’m a mirror…If you’re cool with me,

I’m cool with you, and the exchange starts.

What you see is what you reflect.

If you don’t like what you see,

then you’ve done something.

If I’m standoffish,

that’s because you are.

-jay z

perspectives of yesteryear

2010-01-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

Dearest Queen Pammy,

Just wanted to share these quotes with you by Apollinaire from my recent literary explorations...

MARCH 8, 1910

"What strange times we are living in! We are surrounded by ugliness on every side. We allow horrible buses to disfigure the streets of Paris without protest, and our houses are the ugliest possible... Yet, there is not a young girl into town with her mother who does not carry on herself a whole museum; her ring is signed Such-and-such, her tooled leather book cover is signed So-and-so, her belt is signed This-and-That and etc. Our time will have a style of its own when people attach less importance to signatures; then even buses will be graceful. I recognize, however, that there is more than a mere promise in the general effort of our artists to endow us with a style. We may in fact, have a style... "without knowing it," The way Moliere's M Jourdain spoke prose."

"I am not afraid to say it: between the bizarre and the boring I always prefer the bizarre."

.....

scarlett bailey is fascinating.

she has a sound Mind...

It actually listens.

psst.

2010-01-26T20:17:00.001-08:00

i was playing yesterday.

work is for today.

i'm in the out field.

sitting on the sidelines

is not an option.

...at least not for this season.

...stolen from brook d'leau's blog...

2010-01-25T18:18:00.000-08:00

"Good relationships balance over time. This means that at any particular point in time, the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing; one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic. The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance."

— -Gregory Godek

...i figure that he stole it from somewhere else.

because that's all blogging is these days. right?

quiet theft.

i believer her.

2010-01-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

"It's great to argue with someone and know that there's a real commitment

underneath it all - it's not about slamming doors and walking away,

but about working things out."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wzr6_9fxqg

***beautiful video...that live performance is just gripping.

kudos to her for still living.

i am learning that everything is temporary.

to live fruitful lives, we always have to be able to let go.

they started it...

2010-01-21T12:38:00.001-08:00

...the whole dressing up thing.

fantasizing is a must.

2010-01-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

each

and

every

single

day.

whoop whoop!

2010-01-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

i am no where in sight.

but tell me, do you SEE ME!?!?!

......

i can do this. i can.

i am doing this. i am.

CHURCH!

2010-01-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

....grow where you're planted.

we write our own scriptures.

2010-01-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

"saying 'no' to someone else is saying "yes" to yourself"

- taneeka wilder

i feel this.

2010-01-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

forthebrotherthatlosthissister.andthegiverthathasnothing.andthesingerthatisnowdeaf.

andthedreamerthatisdead.andthehustlerthatcan'tstandup.andtheuneatenfruits.

andthewomanthatcan'tcry.andtheteachermissingstudents.andtheundeliveredapologies.

andthedoctorthatcan'tbestill.andtheescalatedcongestion.andthemanythatlosttheirlives.

andtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandtheandthe

no one. and nothing is exempt.

you are in my prayers.

i am so so so sorry.

and i feel ridiculous for even saying that..but i am.

i am crying for a country.

and that solves nothing.

seconds of attention up against centuries of neglect.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/12/haiti-earthquake-relief-h_n_421014.html

pray for haiti.

again&again&again.

maNNNnnnN call ME!

2010-01-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

"okay...let me make this clear.

no one is ever going to book you because

of how you style. people will book

you because of who you are."

...mmhm.

i'm thrilled.

2010-01-12T18:17:00.000-08:00

nothing is in vain.

there is a return on everything!

...act right children.

it all comes back.

i get it.

2010-01-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

help who you can.

what's for me is mine.

i am now just past the very beginning.

critique happens, so listen with discernment and grace.

my girl.

2010-01-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

my jdavey baby from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

let's get dressed...

2009-12-27T22:05:00.000-08:00

¹²Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

¹³Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

¹⁴And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

colossions 3: 12-14

LOOOooooVVVEeeee TThhhIIIisSSSSS!

scripture for my work.

scripture for me.

he caught me

2009-12-20T21:51:00.000-08:00

much of me.

whatta dream...

2009-12-07T14:57:00.000-08:00

i enjoyed it.

financial backer

2009-12-06T22:06:00.000-08:00

2010 lets goooooo!

shoot, last days of 09.

we can start this in the morning.

thanksgiving lessons

2009-11-30T14:58:00.000-08:00

11 year old stefani taught me allll about coraline:

its her fave. (and now mine too)

........

3 year old nina taught me alllll about yo gabba gabba

Yo Gabba Gabba! from Kidrobot on Vimeo.

its her fave. (and now mine too)

.......

i love that my neices have an eye and an ear for whats good.

they're just so cool.

priorities

2009-11-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

it goes:

account for taxes

account for traveling

account for malandrino.

...i really don't get too much more refined than this.

easy breezy...

2009-11-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

lady shay from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

part two. (my scriptures of the day)

2009-11-24T16:52:00.000-08:00

humor is a release

habitual contempt doesn't reflect a finer sensibility

good deeds eventually are rewarded

going with the flow is soothing but risky

go all out in romance and let the chips fall where they may

giving free rein to your emotions is an honest way to live

freedom is a luxury not a necessity

fake or real indifference is a powerful personal weapon

faithfulness is a social not a biological law

extreme self-consciousness leads to perversion

expiring for love is beautiful but stupid

exceptional people deserve special concessions

everyone's work is equally important

every achievement requires a sacrifice

emotional responses ar as valuable as intellectual responses

dying and coming back gives you considerable perspective

drama often obscures the real issues

disgust is the appropriate response to most situations

dependence can be a meal ticket

children are the hope of the future

being sure of yourself means you're a fool

being alone with yourself is increasingly unpopular

at times your unconsciousness is truer than your conscious mind

ambivalence can ruin your life

ambition is just as dangerous as complacency

all things are delicately interconnected

action causes more trouble than thought

absolute submission can be a form of freedom

a sincere effort is all you can ask

a sense of timing is the mark of genius

a relaxed man is not necessarily a better man

a lot of professionals are crackpots

a little knowledge can go a long way

...jenny holzer...again.

truisms.

a quiet moment.

2009-11-20T12:57:00.001-08:00

shhh.

gotta write it down. gotta remember.

2009-11-17T09:22:00.000-08:00

i am closely tied to what i produce.

i cringe when i am not 100% satisfied with

the end result, and know that outside eyes

are looking at what i feel is incomplete imagery.

...but what happens when those very same outside eyes love

the end result?

which matters more?

their feeling inspired or my discomfort.

so then the question is posed:

who is this for?

who are you working for?

who are you aiming to service?

............

client list:

saks.com

belk.com

mossimo

donna karan

dkny

mf+g

burberry

rjr

almay

new york presbyterian hospital

tropicana

bet

centric

gnc

russian standard

new york moves

fulfillment list:

real people

saks.com

belk.com

real people

mossimo

donna karan

dkny

everyday people

rjr

mf+g

you

burberry

almay

new york presbyterian hospital

tropicana

bet

me again

centric

gnc

russian standard

new york moves

it all matters.

what looks like crazy on an ordinary day

2009-11-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

set location: the bathtub

......

nina: hey mom. after this, i can go pick out my clothes for tomorrow.

robin: nina, no. you are only 3 years old, and you will not be picking out your clothes

everyday. it takes too long, and you don't know what you need to wear. i am your

mom, and i know what you need to wear on a cold day, or a hot day.

nina: ((begins to whimper))

robin: no nina! you are still little, and need help. we can't do that every morning.

and don't you dare have an accident on purpose at school thinking that you can

change clothes...because i will pack clothes in your bag that i know you don't

like to wear! no more accidents just so you can change clothes nina!

you gotta stop that.

nina: ((wails))

robin: but remember that you get to dress yourself on the weekends...and thats fun.

i let you pick out and wear whatever you want, so that's the balance. you understand?

nina: ((murmured through sobbing)) yes mam

my mother's swag

2009-11-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

"oh pam...that's rita moreno...don't you remember her from
the electric company?"

oh pam:

look at her

i love her hair cut

she's so beautiful

look at her dress

such pretty colors

she is 79.

am i the only one that was unaware?

2009-11-03T21:06:00.000-08:00

MARTIN SCORSESE!?!?!?!
i never. ever. knew
part deux
hangin with my mama teaches me so much.

focus pamela

2009-10-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

...please focus.

....

its unsettling when you get highly frustrated with your work.

especially when you don't know what else you're so good at.

digdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdig

digdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdig!

i don't wanna be a one trick pony.

I CAN'T BE A ONE TRICK PONY!

i wanna be a consistently unpredictable unicorn.

think different.

2009-10-27T21:46:00.001-07:00

a. today i needed a calculator to do some math. and then i remembered that i owned a ti-83 for many years. i wish i knew where it was. i then could do my math, and not waste my parents hard earned money.

this intro is not representative of how clarissa dressed. here she looks like a child prostitute.

i really adored clarissa...she explained it all.

c. this past week sucked. but i've got a new attitude. (i'm pretty sure i have a new attitude)

d.health insurance...coming soon.

good morning lovers.

2009-10-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

and i say this with a smile

it does sometimes feel as though

a chair has been slipped out from

underneath my bum

still standing.

to the future mrs. moore

2009-10-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

i come through on my gifts!

we fight til the end....

2009-10-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

for what we want.

we work.

anoche.

2009-10-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

common
~~the roots~~

~~bilal~~

~~q tip~~

QUEEN LATIFAH. ahhhh...yes!!!

....

many reunions and good times had by all.

not the first time

2009-10-06T12:09:00.001-07:00

support.

pamela s. jackson...writing for her life.

amazon.com

swoons

2009-10-01T18:36:00.001-07:00

i love the studied boys.

keep talkin zonia, i'm listening...

2009-09-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

me:

any crisis in fashion is never that big of a deal to me. its not life or death. no blood is involved. i mean figure it out...
chartreuse isn't here, and realistically won't be here before the shoot is over...use the ochre shoe.

mom:

if you measure anything with regards to whether or not blood is involved, then few things will seem important

me:

right!

mom:

so don't be that dramatic. this is your world...and it is important.

head bowed

2009-09-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

today my follow through fell through.

and the backlash put my stomach in a knot.

when working, see it through.

offer someone else the results you wish to have.

say it louder!

2009-09-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

"you have to have something
to put your work into...
otherwise its not valid"

- grace coddington

i'm in it for the pleasure...

2009-09-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

..you have NO idea.

blame him.

my truth

2009-09-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

instinctively, i have always gravitated towards darkness.

and aftwerwards...

i absolutely love finding my way into light.

....

what if i eliminate the darkness factor all together?

what if i just live light?

.....

WHOA!

indian summer...

2009-09-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

freedom from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

i say thank you God.

my good good friend from way back when

2009-09-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

marcia jones.

atlanta is becoming too much of a memory.

....

she was a professor at cau.

we partied together often.

i loved her. and she loved me.

i never sat in her classroom,

but she taught me A LOT.

"pam...you are a stylist...so BE ONE!"

.....

i don't do anything alone.
i have been pushed and led every single day.

thank you all.

new spaces. new faces.

2009-09-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

dear brooklyn,

i love you dearly...always remember that.
don't ever feel threatened when i venture off.
you hold a special place in my heart.
forever and always.

sincerely, pam

don't work from a needy place (part deux)

2009-09-03T07:07:00.000-07:00

a past reminder

monday-

he says: we are shooting sat, are you free?
i respond: what does the video entail?
he says: i dunno all the details. management will contact you.
management says: i'll call you tonight

*no phone call

tuesday-

he says: reference some mexican gangster images, thats what i want.
i say: i'm not confirmed for this project, no one contacted me.
he exclaims: whoa! wow!...okay. let me make some noise
i say: i need to know, concept, # of looks, budget
management says: 16 looks, goes into detail about concept, skips budget altogether.
i respond: 16 looks is a lot for a 3 day prep period. fashion week is next week, closets are closed. i can shop for the shoot, and if that works for you, then we can discuss my rate.

wednesday-
(late afternoon)

management says- okay, can we do 3 looks each? and mix some of their personal closets with some of the stuff you can pull? and whats your rate?
i respond: ...in a stout email that i can't compromise my work on such a time crunch. i tell her that i love the band, and appreciate the fact that they want to work with me, but i cannot service them with my best work with twelve cohesive looks in two days i ask that she encourage the band to think of me for future projects.

*i blind copy two of the band members onto that email.
management: does not respond.

band member #1 says: Totally cool Pam. I appreciate everything
I'm sorry everything has been so last minute we have been trying to do a Bazillion things at once. But u are 100% on my radar for everything.

band member #2 says: Hey Pamsterdam. Thanks for the honesty

.....

okay.
i am more than pleased.
its a matter of not only respecting your work, but also creating boundaries for how you work.

my roommate has moved out, and i am now responsible for paying double what i normally pay for rent (anyone in need of a home?) i have been in conversation with myself and God...

i need work.
september has to be a big month.
let me be available for projects.

i am learning what i give most value.
myself.

.....

all is well.

how i see things.

2009-09-01T08:56:00.001-07:00

i am constantly looking at visual stories and thinking of how i would
have approached the concept.

this is dope.
dope.
dope.
dope.
i understand the direction...but i don't completely agree with the execution.
(as if anyone cares)

on my set:
she would have been standing straight, connecting with the camera, with her head slightly leaning back on the wall.
we would believe that she was perfectly comfortable.
in a moment of pause.
her emotion would be calm + content.

her clothing would offer no interruptions with her hair...her look would be simple.
super simple.
option 1:
skinny strap, low cut, heather grey tank. high waisted blue jean. clean leg. 5inch + open toe stiletto. patent leather navy.
eyes.

option 2:
a slashed shift dress.
a fabric with a shimmer that has slits all throughout the dress, creating built in necklaces
bareoot
colored lip.

option 3:
all black
a fitted sheer tee...skinny skinny suspenders (with some type of dark print)...slightly baggy pants...and a lace up, flat boot.
clean face

for all options...
same pose.
with a bright white backdrop to contrast her hair.

cleaner lines with her hair,no stray aways.

...........................

i'm inspired.
oh MY Story:

geeta...evie...kwes...suki...come onnnn...
we can create a story surrounding weight.
and we can MAKE hair...filled with the things that burden us.
money.
money hair is cool.
orrrr , ummm...
well money is the only one that i can think of that feels fairly universal.
but i know that there are more...

i would like this in my book by the end of this month.

please and thank you.

wisdom.

2009-08-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

cody chesnuTT @ 09snstjnctn from preAMP+ on Vimeo.

some people are just so remarkably consistent.

they don't have to be in your face all day every day.

because when they show up...they show up!

and so She said

2009-08-25T20:47:00.001-07:00

"the light cancels out darkness all the time,
and that is the premise that we have to live by.
that is my encouragement"

.....

i often speak in terms of light...and today i understood
that its not original thinking on my behalf. the presence
of my mother has shaped me. i submit to this fact.

my cousin is suffocating, and is in a space where its a
challenge for her to breathe. her vision is blurry
and her speech is muffled. she has temporarily
misplaced her source. her mother just died
and she opts to sit alone. with shades drawn and
no communication she is pushing away those that
love her. shoving, not nudging, screaming, not speaking.

the mind is a deep deep cavern.
it has the power to make you feel brilliant and sharp.
as well as terrifyingly outside of sanity (perhaps all in the same day)
...in between we float along, subconsciously navigating
where we wish to rest.

.......
if she is close, hug and kiss her.

if she is far, send love her way.

give thanks for mamas.

shut DOWN.

2009-08-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

"mannnn ma, i'm tryna have some babies..."

silence

"be quiet pam."

.....

did she play me?

yes.

was i serious nonetheless?

again, yes.

contradictions for days.

2009-08-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

lean not unto your own understanding...

1. its for the birds

2. its a huge waste of time.

.....

the one thing that we must do is:

keep moving.

(unless is time to be still)

i learned it in the 7th grade

2009-08-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

....paul laurence dunbar

i was sooooo deep in ms. kelly's class.
i loved the language then...and got particularly
excited when i recalled the words today.
......

this morning i heard the words:
IF YOU FAIL TO BE TRANSPARENT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THEN
YOU WILL NEVER ACHIEVE INTIMACY.

...oh how we all enjoy intimacy.
the moments of an exchange.

get worthy.
stay worthy.

saturday night i am booked

2009-08-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

PSA: Free from Karen Abad ♥s Dinosaurs. on Vimeo.

...this is really going to take me to the next level.

THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!

therapy...finding my delight.

2009-08-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

tonight.
i sat on my stoop to eat dinner.
a cat welcomed himself to join me.
at first i was angry at him and
told him to leave.
then he laid down.
so i then decided to not be angry,
and chose to be nice.
he sat at the bottom.
and i sat at the top.

he left.
and i tried to meditate.
well, actually, i had tried earlier, but my phone rang.
i was relieved + and answered it.
we hung up.
the had cat left.
so i tried again.

breathing is such a gift.
time moves when i get still.

i'm always proud of myself
when i take time to listen to myself.

i then came upstairs and did this.

i like it.

shep!

2009-08-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was remarkably transparent.

today i was difficult to read.

similar crowd. no drastic change of environment.

....

he used to tell me

"you're consistently inconsistent"

back then, i honestly believed that i had masterfully set aside all of my good JUST for him.

wanting to be both perfectly supportive and cute at all times.

looking back, i can only come to two conclusions:

1. i was so disconnected from my insides that i didn't recognize disappointment from adoration.

or

2. he was a soothsayer...

........
(mumbling)
or maybe its #3...
i was young and open.
and he got me for who i was.
who i am.
who i was.
who i am.
........

it continues...

it ALWAYS continues.

it all counts.

2009-08-03T20:01:00.001-07:00

its all very tricky
when you are not paying attention.

when woven into the lives of those
around you...it can sometimes feel
as though what's theirs is yours.

...not the case.

the confusion is understandable.
the confusion is a nuisance.

what's mine is mine.
i take that to bed with me at night.
what's theirs is theirs.
they wake up with that in the morning.

the web is only tangled if we mistake
where the lines cross.

.....

my anxiety is low.
my persistence is high.

i'd be a fool to not pay attention

2009-07-28T20:16:00.001-07:00

she said, loud and clear,

"do not work from a needy place.

it's desperate.

and when you really trust in your work,

you don't behave desperately."

....

ashe + amen.

e-pen pals

2009-07-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

cool hunter introduced me to this guy.

everyone, meet pedro.
my new e-pal that lives in portugal.

after spending lots of time on his website,
i put together a collage for my design lovers
and sent out his work.

"who's heard of this guy?...he's mine!'

before leaving the house, i decided to send him an email
telling him how connected i felt to his work...and how
much i enjoyed that feeling.

i went out...got clothes...and returned to an email
that read:

Thank you so much, that words means a lot to me.
I knew your work/ website before, so its a really nice surprise your email.

Could i ask you something, how is to live in NY?

Thank you,
Pedro

whaaaa?
so of course i got extremely emotional and hyper.
i love that there are communities of folks that see one
another.

even when its hard to see...i will always have somebody.
somewhere.
that is a gift.

....

-the end.

rich (or lame) beautiful men

2009-07-23T16:27:00.000-07:00

(titled by sunflower face)

lets talk about it
........

8:19 wasn't extremely late for our 8:00 date.
while walking up the steps to his building, i gazed
out past the holland tunnel exit, looking at the
river. pretty. he opened the door, grabbed me,
led me into the elevator, and pushed 2.

on the other side of the elevator door was a
real door. we stood in the elevator as he
got out his keys to unlock it. after exiting the
elevator shaft and entering his home
i stopped dead in my tracks. sounds funny, but
my first thoughts were
"wow..this is a mansion"...a mansion of
an apartment. i had a strong urge to politely
excuse myself...purchase an evening gown from
a nearby store....and quickly return with proper
attire.

i can't begin to imagine the square footage...i choose
to believe that this is a space where movies are filmed.
everything was so surreal...i felt like i was on a set.
it was a huge open space that housed a kitchen,
dining room, lounge area, and a sitting space.
with flat screens, amazing light fixtures,
plush couches, smart tables, massive paintings, huge
bay windows along the periphery of the room, and
stately statues strategically strewn about. my eyes became
intoxicated. i was amazed by how well arranged
and cohesive all the elements in his home came together.
well done.

without having to pee, i requested the whereabouts of the
bathroom. i just wanted to see the back of the palace...
the bathroom resembled the second bedroom in my apartment.

"welcome pamela"

i smiled, took off my shoes, and shimmyed
into the kitchen. as i sat cross-legged in
a throne (literally) across the room, i watched
him prepare our salmon. he's a
beautiful man...early thirties...stable
in his career...and genuinely into me.

none of this is new...we met last summer
and attempted to date. after i faded, so
did our communication. due to a recent inadvertent
reunion here we are a year
later...in a "mansion"...trying again.

.....

"enough about me..tell me more about you"

"i don't wanna go alone, i want to go with you!"

"i was signed...i modeled for years. you didn't know that?"

"high five for being so pretty"

"well...you do know that i play semi-pro right?"

"i tell my co-worker all the time, 'you should really think like me'"

"soooo what happened to us?"

"i mean really...i stand out as a leader in that group"

"i drive a saab, you've been in it right?"

"oh...women approach me all the time"

"do whatever you want in here, my space in your space"

"you are so young, and you have so much wisdom.."

"at this rate, i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have a kid before
i get married"

...........

thrones or not.

i can't.

...........

mom: you are so judgemental...you can't judge someone off the first date pamela.

quiet, irritated, inside voice pam: ...is it safe to judge him after the 10th date that
took place over the span of an entire year?

mom: you hear me talkin to you?

me: yup. i hear you. there is a backstory. i'll share it another day.

mom: no you won't.

she's probably right about that.

........

sigh.

my foresight is ill...

2009-07-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

...i just KNEW that this was perfectly fine for a ten year old.

behind the scenes from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

yes yes...the song is problematic for a million + one reasons.
wanna know what else is problematic for a million + one reasons?

nike.
mcdonalds fries.
greygoose.
rich, beautiful men.
pollution.
dirty fingernails.
gossip goons.

...glad we covered that.

this video is gawgeous!

Kid Cudi - New Music - More Music Videos

oh me. oh my.

2009-07-20T12:49:00.001-07:00

little dragon from pamela shepard on Vimeo.

revelation of the moment

2009-07-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

i am not a workaholic.

...i just don't have an amazing work ethic.

the work just comes...it simply happens.

chance favors the prepared mind...luck is being prepared for an opportunity.

blah blah blah.

working on my discipline.

hello, i am a stylist.

a blue yawn

2009-07-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

good morning buttercup.

no, no, you mean goodnight ladybug.

either one, both are good.

reunited.

2009-07-13T18:16:00.001-07:00

i sat at the table doing everything in my power to not stare. stirred the sugar at the bottom of my drink, initiated conversations on instant messenger, added some arbitrary tasks to my "to do" list...i tried very hard to appear busy. he had already caught me looking at him twice, and i was feeling embarrassed. for some reason that i couldn't pinpoint back then, i chose not to rush out with my belongings and a bowed head. i stayed put.

moments later, i realized that he was working with his back towards me. as he prepared lattes, i happily watched him move. the swiftness of his turning around caught me off guard. i had no time to look away. as our eyes met a third time, i began to feel sensations. i had to speak.

"okay. hi. my name is pam, and i know i keep looking at you, and that's weird. i don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable,(pause) but you are perfectly beautiful. you are making me feel a certain way...and its not romantic or sexual...just really really good. i feel good looking at you."

pause

"okay. out of all the things i imagined you, or me, saying...this was not it. wow. wowwwww."

pause

"i know. its random. but i felt like had to speak. i feel really drawn to you...i feel crazy for saying this, but its like i know that you're good and about good things."

"i'm honored. truly. this is such a huge compliment."

"can we be in touch? i'm assisting as a stylist, and i am starting to work on my portfolio. i think it would be awesome to work with you. i feel so much when i see you"

"the funny thing is, i am very uncomfortable having my picture taken. i just finished interning at fader magazine, and they asked me to pose for some stuff, and it was kind of hard for me to do. but, i will give you my info, and we can talk about it. i'll try my best"

a week later we shot.
it is still one of my favorite projects.

we spent close to every day and night together for the next eleven months.
he yelled at me for still living in atlanta and not moving to ny to
seriously start pursuing my work. we look at one another now and comment on how much we've aged and ascended into new people. even with distance and over time, our spirits still speak clearly with one another.

......

four years later, i now know to never question what is sensational.

if i feel it...then it is good.
forever & always.

two weeks

2009-07-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

temporarily lost my blackberry, broke up fights, went deaf in my right ear, glimpsed a potential car accident, inhaled salt water, suffered from sunburn, was diagnosed with swimmer's ear, shaved a chunk of skin out of my ankle, misplaced my atm card and id, had an emergency doctor's visit, listened to michael's funeral, argued with my father, paid $188 to rent a car for a day, lost my favorite sunglasses, watched stef lose her flip flops to the ocean, listened to my mother complain about how i make her tired.

it was a perfect two weeks.